Mom is 81, mid-stage dementia, only dx'd a few months ago. We moved her to Assisted Living 1 1/2 months ago. I completely understand that the move will take her time to adjust, but she tells people I "put her in this awful place," that I crashed her car on purpose and blamed it on her (SHE crashed it and almost killed someone), among other fibs. She is constantly messaging me or my daughter that she is sick and scared, come get her, that she's run out of things she has plenty of. When we go there, and get her out of her room to explore the facility and show her, again, the activities and such, I get the feeling she's faking that she doesn't know where she is, or that she is allowed to leave her room, and the WHINING about having to walk, at all, heavy breathing. Mom has always been a perpetual victim. And she hasn't always been very truthful about, really, anything. You could never depend on her to tell a straight story, or relay details of something she was told or saw without her embellishing for dramatic effect. I completely understand that confabulating is normal in Dementia, but I'm not convinced all her confabulations are without the intent to deceive or aren't purposefully over exaggerated for sympathy. I can say, though, now I know why her Primary never picked up on her issues for all these years. She showtimes BIG time. I had to take her to see her Primary and despite having complained the entire ride there about this ache and pain or that, when the Dr. asked if her she had any pains, she denied it and got very angry with me for telling the Dr. the truth. She worked very hard, I would say, at really making herself look like she was being victimized by me, that she was fine, she didn't need a doctor, or medicine, she remembers her name and my name, there's nothing wrong with her. But, outside of anyone else seeing her, she is a pathetic elderly woman (sarcasm) that can barely stand, breathe or anything else. Are there are effective strategies for curbing this behavior in her, or do I need to focus on my just let not letting it bother me. She wears me out.
Your mom is likely beyond ALF needs and may need MC where the access to phones isn't what it is now. Otherwise you will have to start not answering more than a call in the a.m. and a call in the p.m.
You mom is complaining to YOU because she feels that YOU are the one who can stop what is for her a torment. She has lost everything, and is in fact now losing who she is--her very mind.
This isn't a happy time for your mother.
This isn't going to BE a happy time for your Mother.
And she has decided (unlike my gentle brother) that she isn't "going gently into this good night".
She is complaining about this, but you didn't cause this and you can't fix this.
Not everything can be fixed, in fact, and this is one of those things that CANNOT be fixed. You aren't responsible for making your Mom happy and whole again and IT ISN'T POSSIBLE TO DO SO.
Allow her to mourn. Allow her the pain she feels. Allow her to express the loss. Tell her you mourn with her and are heartbroken with her and cannot fix this for her. Tell her you love her.
You can try a bit of Pavlovian training thrown in by leaving the phone and the premises when the complaining is bad, telling your mom that your visit isn't making her happy and you will return on a better day.
I am sorry. What you have told us is somewhat a "script" it is that common. We hear it all the time. It is true for so many, and so few have the strength left that my brother had to try still to the end to make it OK for ME. To tell me "You know, hon, it's a bit like when I was young and in the army. I don't LIKE it, but I make the best of it". And he DID.
Just repeat like a mantra to yourself:
1. They complain to YOU because they trust you most to unleash their anger and pain
2. You can't fix this; don't try.
3. Let them say their truth. Let them express their thoughts. Soon enough they will be gone and you will not have to stand witness to what is nothing but torment for all involved.
There are Glass Half Empty type people and Glass Half Full type people out there. My mother was a Glass Half Empty complainer since I knew her, nothing was ever quite right. Yet she had a good life. Just not to hear HER tell it.
You won't change HER after all these years, so set down some boundaries for YOURSELF to cope with her behavior. That's my suggestion. And call the staff to find out how she's REALLY doing.
As for the rest, treat other issues in a similar fashion. I'm not saying you have to be mean; you can lovingly let her know that while you care about her concerns, you do not deserve to be verbally abused, which is what all these complaints are. She is controlling you through complaining. Once you make this plan no longer work for her, she'll eventually catch on (hopefully) and stop. But if she doesn't, you can remove yourself from the situation. Do not let her complaints bother you. If you know she is being taken care of and that you have done what is necessary (what she needs, not every little whim or desire she has), you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Having said that, it looks like you have spent a lifetime listening to her complaints and that she has "trained" you to respond the way she wants. You might want to consider seeing a therapist to help you change the way you react to her complaints. It can be very difficult to change behaviors that have been ingrained in you since childhood. Getting some help can make a big difference.
We can only guess that any character flaws one has had all their lives are only magnified once dementia is on board, so none of this should surprise you one bit, and you're best to just ignore them best you can.
If that means not answering your phone every time she calls and only visiting once a week, well so be it. By doing both of those it will make your mom more dependent on the staff that is there to help and hopefully get more involved with their daily activities.
There is nothing fun about dementia for both the one with it and the family members affected by it.
However I do believe that it does require more patience and understanding on your part, as your moms brain is now permanently broken and will never get better only worse, and you honestly just need to let these annoying things roll right off your back best you can.
The choices to deal with this are slim. Either the family member can practice total patience (changing the subject), refusing to listen to the Elder (ignoring the tirades), or getting sucked in by the Elder's manipulation and suffer the resulting stress and emotional upheaval.
The common sense suggestion is to call the facility to ask the staff caregivers how their Elder is really doing when family is not there.
As others have said, best to limit your contact with your Elder, and prevent constant calls, so they can adjust to staff helping them. This is what they are paying for! It's not so easy to tolerate the behaviors. An independent person like me reaches their limit quick and my temper flares.
Many here will place an Elder somewhere in total desperation, then visit them daily for literally hours. I don't think that helps at all. You can't allow 10 calls a day, or daily visits for hours, and expect anything but Elder Rebellion. I believe basic preventative measures must start from Day One.
All you can do is try to control the negativity, which is exhausting. Dementia is very unpredictable! I wish I had better advice.