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Sue1957,
I agree with you on the dangers involved if Mother can not get out.
But Isn't that also true of a bed bound person living at home?
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Sue, that was eye opening; I never thought of your example regarding a fire. Never crossed my mind. So thanks for that. Bad Jules!
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You HAVE to be strong. Just take a deep breath and force yourself to say no. Just say "She cannot come live at my house." And don't say another word. Don't put an "until ....." at the end of that sentence. If you do, they will view that as a maybe and will badger you relentlessly until you give in. If they balk, simply say, "I lack the skills and ability to care for her." Don't cave in. Don't do it. Because here's the deal ... Once they realize that you are not going to give in, they will find a place for your mom where she can continue to recuperate with the care she needs to do so. It's a good thing to do for her too.
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Just do it Jules. Say no. You don't have to help them decide which facility to place her in. That is their job. They know what options are available and they know what degree of care and services she needs. One short sentence ... "I will not be taking her home with me." Don't say you can't, or that you aren't able to - they will try to convince you that you can and that you are able. If you say you will not take her home - there is nothing left to say. Except why. And that is simple ... it's because you lack the skills and ability to care for her. Period. (And that is probably true.) If you decide you aren't happy with your decision, it will be easy to change things and bring her home. If you take her home now, it will be really difficult - nearly impossible actually - to place her in a facility later simply because it has turned out to be everything you had feared it would be.
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Jules, any updates? I am wondering how things are going!
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CTT..Thanks for asking! So against everyone's advice I decided to have her discharged to me. They are keeping her until Monday, as I told them I would not be available to take her until then. She is progressing very well with PT. And I talked to her about the rules to making this work. With number one being , be nice . Number two, no loud television unless she was in the back bedroom. I spent yesterday going to the county and applying for in home services and requesting that she be allowed to move downstairs when an apartment becomes available. The in home care may take a month to get, I am planning on moving her home in two weeks unless her doctor tells me otherwise. The moving part may take months. But as long as I can get her upstairs , and she can safely move around. I can get groceries delivered . I also talked to her neighbor yesterday and she said she could pop in and check on her during the day. So that is the plan. I pray that everything goes to plan and next time I update will be to tell everyone she is safely back home.
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"So against everyone's advice I decided to have her discharged to me."

Why, did you?
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Jules, please let us know how it's going.

Is the doctor at rehab going to order at home pt and home health services?
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You were very well advised by many here who have been through it.
You are going to see that you should have heeded their warnings.

How WILL you get her up the stairs?
Gotta tell you, if she is like most stubborn elderly folks, the first time "she thinks" she has improved enough to handle those stairs, she is going to be on them. 

I do hope I am wrong.
Please keep us updated.
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Ahh, Jules, take care of yourself and best wishes that all goes well. One of the most difficult decisions that we have to make in life is the one you are facing. So many are in denial about what is actually needed or just plain quilted (internal or external) into the decision that is not the best for our loved ones. Then there is staff at the facilities that just need to open up the bed, to them many times it is business as usual.
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I love this forum! Why did I heed advice? I couldn't stand the thought of my mother scared to death with her full mental facilities and no one else in this world sitting in a NH with a broken knee wondering and feeling so help less.
We will carry her up the stairs if we have to, we are hopeful she will be able to get up them in two weeks ( not on a daily basis) but up the stairs nonetheless.
Yes, she will receive more PT at my house for a few weeks. I will keep praying this will work out as planned. if it doesn't , I am in big trouble. I am having a cocktail or two with my honey and enjoying one of our last nights together for awhile. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will get the mother I never had...haha. Thanks for being there for me. You all have made my darkness a little brighter.
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This will work out as planned, hmmmm?

This is what you were expecting: "If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off."

Can we at least hope you've made some alterations to the plan since you typed that? Because what you mean by big trouble if it doesn't work out... That trouble wasn't big enough to put you off?

Oh Jules, sigh.

Scared to death of what? Helpless about what?

Between your mother saying what's to become of me and the social worker telling you this is your problem, I think you have had a number done on you.

So. There we are. Let us move on.

How are you going to stop mother getting too comfortable?
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Why would your mother be scared to death in a nursing home?

The nursing home that my mom resided in had some patients who had mild dementia (the ones with more serious dementia were in a locked unit on another floor, to prevent them from wandering--but even they had lovely activities in the garden and singalongs and the like).

There were many people who were able-minded but who had physical issues.

Needless to say, I think your mother sold you a bill of goods.

Please come back and tell us how this is working out. Oh, and I hope you have a good fire safety plan in place.
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Wow.. sounds like a carbon copy of my situation. Great advice from all here. I've been taking care of my mom the last three years only child and no help from family or friends. Mom recently feel at home and broke her hip. Went to community care for re hab 45 days. All thru this I kept insisting she needed to be placed somewhere because I'm at the point I can't take care of her like she needs. They too kept listening to her claim it's ok I can go home my daughter can take care of me. She was released 10 days ago and fell off her bedside commode. Refused to go get checked out and became more dependent on me. WTH she's suppose to be able to do for herself. So baby monitor the last 2 weeks up 2 and three times a night to potty mom..I started taking the advice of those on this site.. worked with the home therapist social worker and finally today they notified the primary care doc and got the approval to re admit her. I simply refused to continue living like this.. and finally something's getting done FOR ME.. And she still start getting the care she needs! 24/7! In the meantime back to making arrangements to have her released to a SKILLED NURSING FACILITY not assisted living like they had first thought she requires too much care!
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Hi Jules and Wilma.... my honey tried everything he could to be released from the hospital to home and I kept steadfastly advising that I could not give him the care he needed in the condition he was in as I could not lift on him period and there was no one else there to provide his care. They finally listened and he was sent to a skilled nursing facility with rehab (after I told him flat he was not allowed home in his condition). When he was released from rehab (after me setting some ground rules) he was mobile again and 74 lbs lighter. The 24/7 IV I could deal with as I had dealt with his IV after his second defib implant.

Skilled nursing facilities, especially with rehab, can make the difference. Things are not easy now that he is back home, but they are easier than they were before he went in the hospital/rehab.
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WilmaDean, maybe what happened when your mother came home because she insisted upon it will also happen to Jules' mom. If Jules realizes she made a big mistake in taking her mother into her apartment like she thinks might happen, maybe her mother will have an emergency which will result in hospitalization. And then at THAT point, she will be insistent that she canNOT care for her mother.
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Wilma, it does sound quite similar. CTT , yes that would probably do it for me to get me to say enough is enough and that I did all I could.
Day One, I am a terrible caretaker, there is no part of me that likes it. Couple of mishaps that made me realize what I knew and that is I don't have the patience nor compassion to be one.
Day Two, So far so good!
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Wilma - nice going!
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Day 3, epic failure... :(
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Sorry that you're having trouble. Epic failure according to you, or according to your mom?
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Sorry that you're having trouble. Epic failure according to you, or according to your mom? Me. I’m just not cut out for this.
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What part are you not cut out for? Is it that it's your mother or would you feel this way about caregiving anyone?

Now that you know this, what can you do about it? She has Medi-Cal already so she'd qualify for a nursing home. Maybe time to take a couple of tours of NH's that accept Medi-Cal.

Hey, don't feel bad. Many of us (for whatever reasons), can't take physical care of our loved ones. Don't beat yourself up.
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Sue..I hate it all... I don't want to take care of anyone ...especially someone that thinks that I am on this earth for that purpose... I have been on my own since I was 15, I am 55 now. Somehow I never developed the desire to take care of anyone . Although not completely true because I just got done taking care of my dog for the last year ,(who recently had to be put to sleep), cleaning up poop, accidents etc....laundry all day long....I would give anything to still have him and do that for another five years ...I miss him terribly....
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Countrymouse. Hugs. Ha ha we would sometimes call our dog Mr muddy paws. Towards the end we would wake up to food bowls flipped over and water bowls , but not a day goes by since 5/11/18 that I wouldn’t give up everything to have my dog back. . I didn’t know how to send you a private message or I would have !
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JulesNeedsHelp,
To send a Private Message (AKA "PM") to someone, click on the person's screen name which is in BLUE to the right of their AVATAR. You should be taken to that person's Profile Page. Type your message in the "Message Box". Above the box on the Right-hand side, "Check" the small box that states "Private Message".
You can also send a "HUG" by clicking on the "Give a Hug" message below the Message Box at the Lower Left-hand corner and choose a "HUG" from the photos listed. When you have completed your message and checked "Private Message", then click on "Send Message". A "Private Message" will show up on yours and other person's Profiles Pages in a "GREEN" BOX and state "Private Message". Only the two of you can read those. Regular Messages are in WHITE Boxes and everyone can read those. Hope that this helps.
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Jules,
A huge difference from an old, (possibly) narcissistic, demanding mother who thinks you should wait on her hand and foot and a dog that loves you for who you are, never asks anything of you but just companionship and thinks you're the greatest human in the world.

Mr. Muddy Paws will be waiting for you (when your time comes) at the Rainbow Bridge.
I'll send you a personal message.
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SueC. You had me crying when you said “mr muddy paws “ , that was a name only my SO and I used. Until last night when I shared with the world. Tears of sadness but joy. You are also spot on with your assessment of “narcissistic “ and the difference between that and dogs. Thanks for your message. I can’t even begin to say how thankful for all of you! Your messages are so spot on and kind and seem to Patch me up for the night. God Bless you all!
Jules
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I was in this position with my husband. They said that he would not qualify for extended care, I told them I was not taking him home so they better figure out a way to get him qualified to stay! They did! I got him on Medicaid and he has been there a year and will live out his days there.
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Update...two weeks have gone by, two weeks of h*ll....All I can say is I should have taken all of your advice. The nightmare was supposed to end today as I was going to take my mom to doctor and take her back to her apartment. But Friday night she fell again, 10 hours in ER yesterday and now she has a fractured pelvic bone , along with the still healing broken knee cap....I am waiting to see what is next. They are going to try and get her into the same rehab facility as before. And this time no matter how she or they bully me I am not going to bring her back here. She will have to stay at a facility until she is able to go home alone. I feel so bad for her though, she certainly didn't ask for any of this. :(
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You need to consider that your Mom might NEVER be able to take care of herself at home. If that is the case, then you will have to ""shut your ears" to whatever your Mom or the nursing home say. Many elderly people ask to "go home" after they enter a nursing home or assisted living facility. However, many of them eventually acclimate to the nursing home/assisted living facility routine and receive better care than if they had tried to live at home alone or even with hired caregivers that visit a few hours per day.

My Mom complained almost daily the first 4-5 months that she was at the nursing home. Many of her complaints were related to her depression and delusions. Once her medications were regulated, she calmed down and she is content with living in the nursing home now.

None or very few of the elderly "Ask for falling and breaking a bone or having to go to a nursing home". Unfortunately that is part of life and she and you are going to have to try to accept this. It will not be easy and you will experience feelings of grief for what is happening with your Mom. Let yourself grieve as this will help you come to terms with your Mom's situation.
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