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My mom broke her knee cap and lives in an apt upstairs she needs rehab but wants to live with me. So since my original post I got my mom into a SNF for rehab on her knee. Today I had a meeting with social services and she hinted that 10 days is the norm for discharging patients and that would probably be happening soon. Even if I could get her upstairs , the social worker says she will need to be looked after. Mom can not bend her knee for another 4 weeks wears a big heavy brace and can not get up, can not go to the bathroom by herself. I asked her what are my options if they discharge her and I can not take care of her and refuse to take her, she said she could give me a number to a board and care facility that I could call. I told her my mom has no money and can not pay for that, and Medicaid doesn't cover that. She told me I need to put together a plan A ,B and C. We have no other family. I told her my plan was for her to stay there until she can get around, get up, and go to the bathroom by herself. And then, I may consider her coming with me for a week or two until she can get approved for In Home Care. But that I can't stay home 24 hours a day, and change diapers etc. she gave me the impression they would be discharging her this next week. Can anyone help me? I am in California, she has Medicare and Medi-cal. If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off. What will they do with her if I don't take her? Please don't judge me, I really need help on what options I have. I am confused and stressed and sad for what my life will be. I feel like the social worker did nothing but try and bully me into taking my mother.

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Good news indeed. I hope that you get your wish.

I would still follow up with having her evaluated for dementia. That knowledge will help you be prepared for the future and get your ducks in a row, quacking harmoniously.

Have a great weekend!
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Jules unless you already have done you seriously need to get your mother's mental state specifically evaluated. Your description of her non-compliance, her inability to understand normal interaction, the series of falls over the last couple of months - these are not signs of a mentally well person.

Difficult and challenging people get dementia too, you know. And dementia comes in many forms. For example, having a fixed idea that you live with your daughter and she takes care of you and sticking to that story come H*ll or high water in spite of the fact that your daughter is going blue in the face saying the opposite. Or, agreeing to house rules and then consistently, from one hour to the next, appearing to ignore them. Or, again consistently, expecting to be welcomed in a room by people who less than two hours ago asked you to leave it.

You think she's a vampire who hates your SO and wants you all to yourself. But what if it transpires that she is indeed a lonely old lady with no friends or family but whose brain ceased functioning properly three to five years ago?

Literally, she needs her head examined. Hasn't anyone in hospital or rehab even discussed this with you?
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JulesNeedsHelp Aug 2018
No, no one discussed that with me at rehab or hospital. I will take your advice and ask her primary care doctor to evaluate.
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Oh Jules, you need to get some counseling to overcome your FOG with your mom.

It is heartbreaking when you look at her life but, you didn't do it, so you can't fix it.

Please do not just take her home, if she is considered a vulnerable senior, you could be in heaps of trouble. What you can do is drop her off at the ER and don't respond to any calls.

I think that if she is unwilling to stick to the agreement then she gets to pay the consequences.

Sucks, big time, but not nearly as much as you loosing your happy home because of her bad choices. I would not tell her what's up, get her in the car and off you go.

Best of luck letting her live with her choices.
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Jules, I just don't know what to say.

If your mother can't even stay in her separate area and can't keep on board with rules she herself agreed to, which is probably not so much because she's being ornery as because she's mentally unable to process the idea, you know quite as well as I do that to take her back to her home and leave her there unattended would be obvious negligence.

Which leaves me saying "I wouldn't start from here..."

Sorry.

So, you're jumping through hoops to get her assistance in her home while she's still in your home, yes? That's your hitch. From the providers' point of view, she is not at risk. She is safe in her daughter's home. No rush then.

You could move her back to her home and go with her (take a folding bed or an inflatable mattress or something). At least it would take the pressure off SO. You would then be liaising with the agencies on the basis that you are staying temporarily and will be leaving on [date].

But actually, it is beginning to sound as if in-home care won't cut it. So, what are the next steps?
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JulesNeedsHelp Aug 2018
I just called in-home care, got the voicemail. Left a message telling them she would be going home unattended and she needs help now! I am going to take her home in a few days. CountryMouse, great idea with the air mattress and calling from her house, It seems that is going to be the only way she will get help..
No she does not have dementia , she is just a lonely women with no friends and family, and wants to suck the life out of me. She Hates my SO, and is extremely jealous of him, and it gets worse every day. He is at the point of no return also. Her perfect world is her living with me, him moving out. I was so angry/mad/sad/frustrated last night, I almost packed her in car and took her home.
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Can I be arrested if I take her home?
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BarbBrooklyn Aug 2018
Can you call your local Area Agency on Aging and have them assess mom's needs AT HER apartment? This might have the effect of getting her services in place more quickly.


Does your mom have a diagnosis of dementia? Has she been evaluated for that?

Jules, the next time mom ends up in the hospital or rehab, don't show up. Change your phone number. Let them pretend you don't exist.
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My mom is out of rehab and I took her to my house for the second time knowing I shouldn't . She has been here 4 days now, and I can't stand the sight of her. I have in a back bedroom with a couch and a tv and wants nothing but to be out with us in the living room with the tv blaring. We made rules before she came, and she won't stick to them after day two without a fight. I am ready to take her back to her apartment and let her manage on her own. I am tired of the tv, hygiene, neediness, waiting on her, thermostat, bowel movement problems etc. and just the invasiveness of her being here! I have begged her to stay in the back but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be with her. My SO , argue all the time. We have been waiting for in home service for almost eight weeks and they keep prolonging everything. I thought she would be here a few days at most but now I get a letter from IHSS that the doctor didn't fill out the med cert completely ( which I hand delivered to them 3 weeks ago) 3 weeks to tell me this! But, the last 24 hours have been good as we finally found a 1 yr old pup we rescued,after losing our dog three months ago. This puppy is the cutest, snuggle buggle I've ever seen, so at least I have something to be happy for...
Sorry for my venting
one day later.... I want her out now , I’m done. Still have no in home care after jumping through hoops 7 weeks now. trying to decide if I take her home Tuesday regardless. I’m done. I done all I can and nothing is happening. If I have to see her another day I’m running away. Help!
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Jules - ABSOLUTELY refuse to take her home. It is much easier to get placed in a nursing home from Rehab than it is from home. Do not let them bully you. It is up to the Social Services department at the Rehab to work with you to come up with a safe discharge plan. That is their job.
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DeeAnna,
Thanks for the post and especially the last sentence. (A Lightbulb moment for me!)

I think I've been confusing grieving with depression or a "bad outlook".

Funny how we think of grieving only when someone dies or is dead. I guess I forgot you can grieve for someone while they are still alive. I think that's what I'm doing.

Well, I won't worry about myself so much now. 😉

Thanks. 🌺🌷🌸🌹💐
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You need to consider that your Mom might NEVER be able to take care of herself at home. If that is the case, then you will have to ""shut your ears" to whatever your Mom or the nursing home say. Many elderly people ask to "go home" after they enter a nursing home or assisted living facility. However, many of them eventually acclimate to the nursing home/assisted living facility routine and receive better care than if they had tried to live at home alone or even with hired caregivers that visit a few hours per day.

My Mom complained almost daily the first 4-5 months that she was at the nursing home. Many of her complaints were related to her depression and delusions. Once her medications were regulated, she calmed down and she is content with living in the nursing home now.

None or very few of the elderly "Ask for falling and breaking a bone or having to go to a nursing home". Unfortunately that is part of life and she and you are going to have to try to accept this. It will not be easy and you will experience feelings of grief for what is happening with your Mom. Let yourself grieve as this will help you come to terms with your Mom's situation.
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Update...two weeks have gone by, two weeks of h*ll....All I can say is I should have taken all of your advice. The nightmare was supposed to end today as I was going to take my mom to doctor and take her back to her apartment. But Friday night she fell again, 10 hours in ER yesterday and now she has a fractured pelvic bone , along with the still healing broken knee cap....I am waiting to see what is next. They are going to try and get her into the same rehab facility as before. And this time no matter how she or they bully me I am not going to bring her back here. She will have to stay at a facility until she is able to go home alone. I feel so bad for her though, she certainly didn't ask for any of this. :(
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I was in this position with my husband. They said that he would not qualify for extended care, I told them I was not taking him home so they better figure out a way to get him qualified to stay! They did! I got him on Medicaid and he has been there a year and will live out his days there.
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SueC. You had me crying when you said “mr muddy paws “ , that was a name only my SO and I used. Until last night when I shared with the world. Tears of sadness but joy. You are also spot on with your assessment of “narcissistic “ and the difference between that and dogs. Thanks for your message. I can’t even begin to say how thankful for all of you! Your messages are so spot on and kind and seem to Patch me up for the night. God Bless you all!
Jules
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Jules,
A huge difference from an old, (possibly) narcissistic, demanding mother who thinks you should wait on her hand and foot and a dog that loves you for who you are, never asks anything of you but just companionship and thinks you're the greatest human in the world.

Mr. Muddy Paws will be waiting for you (when your time comes) at the Rainbow Bridge.
I'll send you a personal message.
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JulesNeedsHelp,
To send a Private Message (AKA "PM") to someone, click on the person's screen name which is in BLUE to the right of their AVATAR. You should be taken to that person's Profile Page. Type your message in the "Message Box". Above the box on the Right-hand side, "Check" the small box that states "Private Message".
You can also send a "HUG" by clicking on the "Give a Hug" message below the Message Box at the Lower Left-hand corner and choose a "HUG" from the photos listed. When you have completed your message and checked "Private Message", then click on "Send Message". A "Private Message" will show up on yours and other person's Profiles Pages in a "GREEN" BOX and state "Private Message". Only the two of you can read those. Regular Messages are in WHITE Boxes and everyone can read those. Hope that this helps.
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Countrymouse. Hugs. Ha ha we would sometimes call our dog Mr muddy paws. Towards the end we would wake up to food bowls flipped over and water bowls , but not a day goes by since 5/11/18 that I wouldn’t give up everything to have my dog back. . I didn’t know how to send you a private message or I would have !
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Sue..I hate it all... I don't want to take care of anyone ...especially someone that thinks that I am on this earth for that purpose... I have been on my own since I was 15, I am 55 now. Somehow I never developed the desire to take care of anyone . Although not completely true because I just got done taking care of my dog for the last year ,(who recently had to be put to sleep), cleaning up poop, accidents etc....laundry all day long....I would give anything to still have him and do that for another five years ...I miss him terribly....
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What part are you not cut out for? Is it that it's your mother or would you feel this way about caregiving anyone?

Now that you know this, what can you do about it? She has Medi-Cal already so she'd qualify for a nursing home. Maybe time to take a couple of tours of NH's that accept Medi-Cal.

Hey, don't feel bad. Many of us (for whatever reasons), can't take physical care of our loved ones. Don't beat yourself up.
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Sorry that you're having trouble. Epic failure according to you, or according to your mom? Me. I’m just not cut out for this.
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Sorry that you're having trouble. Epic failure according to you, or according to your mom?
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Day 3, epic failure... :(
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Wilma - nice going!
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Wilma, it does sound quite similar. CTT , yes that would probably do it for me to get me to say enough is enough and that I did all I could.
Day One, I am a terrible caretaker, there is no part of me that likes it. Couple of mishaps that made me realize what I knew and that is I don't have the patience nor compassion to be one.
Day Two, So far so good!
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WilmaDean, maybe what happened when your mother came home because she insisted upon it will also happen to Jules' mom. If Jules realizes she made a big mistake in taking her mother into her apartment like she thinks might happen, maybe her mother will have an emergency which will result in hospitalization. And then at THAT point, she will be insistent that she canNOT care for her mother.
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Hi Jules and Wilma.... my honey tried everything he could to be released from the hospital to home and I kept steadfastly advising that I could not give him the care he needed in the condition he was in as I could not lift on him period and there was no one else there to provide his care. They finally listened and he was sent to a skilled nursing facility with rehab (after I told him flat he was not allowed home in his condition). When he was released from rehab (after me setting some ground rules) he was mobile again and 74 lbs lighter. The 24/7 IV I could deal with as I had dealt with his IV after his second defib implant.

Skilled nursing facilities, especially with rehab, can make the difference. Things are not easy now that he is back home, but they are easier than they were before he went in the hospital/rehab.
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Wow.. sounds like a carbon copy of my situation. Great advice from all here. I've been taking care of my mom the last three years only child and no help from family or friends. Mom recently feel at home and broke her hip. Went to community care for re hab 45 days. All thru this I kept insisting she needed to be placed somewhere because I'm at the point I can't take care of her like she needs. They too kept listening to her claim it's ok I can go home my daughter can take care of me. She was released 10 days ago and fell off her bedside commode. Refused to go get checked out and became more dependent on me. WTH she's suppose to be able to do for herself. So baby monitor the last 2 weeks up 2 and three times a night to potty mom..I started taking the advice of those on this site.. worked with the home therapist social worker and finally today they notified the primary care doc and got the approval to re admit her. I simply refused to continue living like this.. and finally something's getting done FOR ME.. And she still start getting the care she needs! 24/7! In the meantime back to making arrangements to have her released to a SKILLED NURSING FACILITY not assisted living like they had first thought she requires too much care!
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Why would your mother be scared to death in a nursing home?

The nursing home that my mom resided in had some patients who had mild dementia (the ones with more serious dementia were in a locked unit on another floor, to prevent them from wandering--but even they had lovely activities in the garden and singalongs and the like).

There were many people who were able-minded but who had physical issues.

Needless to say, I think your mother sold you a bill of goods.

Please come back and tell us how this is working out. Oh, and I hope you have a good fire safety plan in place.
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This will work out as planned, hmmmm?

This is what you were expecting: "If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off."

Can we at least hope you've made some alterations to the plan since you typed that? Because what you mean by big trouble if it doesn't work out... That trouble wasn't big enough to put you off?

Oh Jules, sigh.

Scared to death of what? Helpless about what?

Between your mother saying what's to become of me and the social worker telling you this is your problem, I think you have had a number done on you.

So. There we are. Let us move on.

How are you going to stop mother getting too comfortable?
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I love this forum! Why did I heed advice? I couldn't stand the thought of my mother scared to death with her full mental facilities and no one else in this world sitting in a NH with a broken knee wondering and feeling so help less.
We will carry her up the stairs if we have to, we are hopeful she will be able to get up them in two weeks ( not on a daily basis) but up the stairs nonetheless.
Yes, she will receive more PT at my house for a few weeks. I will keep praying this will work out as planned. if it doesn't , I am in big trouble. I am having a cocktail or two with my honey and enjoying one of our last nights together for awhile. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will get the mother I never had...haha. Thanks for being there for me. You all have made my darkness a little brighter.
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Ahh, Jules, take care of yourself and best wishes that all goes well. One of the most difficult decisions that we have to make in life is the one you are facing. So many are in denial about what is actually needed or just plain quilted (internal or external) into the decision that is not the best for our loved ones. Then there is staff at the facilities that just need to open up the bed, to them many times it is business as usual.
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You were very well advised by many here who have been through it.
You are going to see that you should have heeded their warnings.

How WILL you get her up the stairs?
Gotta tell you, if she is like most stubborn elderly folks, the first time "she thinks" she has improved enough to handle those stairs, she is going to be on them. 

I do hope I am wrong.
Please keep us updated.
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