My mom broke her knee cap and lives in an apt upstairs she needs rehab but wants to live with me. So since my original post I got my mom into a SNF for rehab on her knee. Today I had a meeting with social services and she hinted that 10 days is the norm for discharging patients and that would probably be happening soon. Even if I could get her upstairs , the social worker says she will need to be looked after. Mom can not bend her knee for another 4 weeks wears a big heavy brace and can not get up, can not go to the bathroom by herself. I asked her what are my options if they discharge her and I can not take care of her and refuse to take her, she said she could give me a number to a board and care facility that I could call. I told her my mom has no money and can not pay for that, and Medicaid doesn't cover that. She told me I need to put together a plan A ,B and C. We have no other family. I told her my plan was for her to stay there until she can get around, get up, and go to the bathroom by herself. And then, I may consider her coming with me for a week or two until she can get approved for In Home Care. But that I can't stay home 24 hours a day, and change diapers etc. she gave me the impression they would be discharging her this next week. Can anyone help me? I am in California, she has Medicare and Medi-cal. If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off. What will they do with her if I don't take her? Please don't judge me, I really need help on what options I have. I am confused and stressed and sad for what my life will be. I feel like the social worker did nothing but try and bully me into taking my mother.
I would still follow up with having her evaluated for dementia. That knowledge will help you be prepared for the future and get your ducks in a row, quacking harmoniously.
Have a great weekend!
Difficult and challenging people get dementia too, you know. And dementia comes in many forms. For example, having a fixed idea that you live with your daughter and she takes care of you and sticking to that story come H*ll or high water in spite of the fact that your daughter is going blue in the face saying the opposite. Or, agreeing to house rules and then consistently, from one hour to the next, appearing to ignore them. Or, again consistently, expecting to be welcomed in a room by people who less than two hours ago asked you to leave it.
You think she's a vampire who hates your SO and wants you all to yourself. But what if it transpires that she is indeed a lonely old lady with no friends or family but whose brain ceased functioning properly three to five years ago?
Literally, she needs her head examined. Hasn't anyone in hospital or rehab even discussed this with you?
It is heartbreaking when you look at her life but, you didn't do it, so you can't fix it.
Please do not just take her home, if she is considered a vulnerable senior, you could be in heaps of trouble. What you can do is drop her off at the ER and don't respond to any calls.
I think that if she is unwilling to stick to the agreement then she gets to pay the consequences.
Sucks, big time, but not nearly as much as you loosing your happy home because of her bad choices. I would not tell her what's up, get her in the car and off you go.
Best of luck letting her live with her choices.
If your mother can't even stay in her separate area and can't keep on board with rules she herself agreed to, which is probably not so much because she's being ornery as because she's mentally unable to process the idea, you know quite as well as I do that to take her back to her home and leave her there unattended would be obvious negligence.
Which leaves me saying "I wouldn't start from here..."
Sorry.
So, you're jumping through hoops to get her assistance in her home while she's still in your home, yes? That's your hitch. From the providers' point of view, she is not at risk. She is safe in her daughter's home. No rush then.
You could move her back to her home and go with her (take a folding bed or an inflatable mattress or something). At least it would take the pressure off SO. You would then be liaising with the agencies on the basis that you are staying temporarily and will be leaving on [date].
But actually, it is beginning to sound as if in-home care won't cut it. So, what are the next steps?
No she does not have dementia , she is just a lonely women with no friends and family, and wants to suck the life out of me. She Hates my SO, and is extremely jealous of him, and it gets worse every day. He is at the point of no return also. Her perfect world is her living with me, him moving out. I was so angry/mad/sad/frustrated last night, I almost packed her in car and took her home.
Does your mom have a diagnosis of dementia? Has she been evaluated for that?
Jules, the next time mom ends up in the hospital or rehab, don't show up. Change your phone number. Let them pretend you don't exist.
Sorry for my venting
one day later.... I want her out now , I’m done. Still have no in home care after jumping through hoops 7 weeks now. trying to decide if I take her home Tuesday regardless. I’m done. I done all I can and nothing is happening. If I have to see her another day I’m running away. Help!
Thanks for the post and especially the last sentence. (A Lightbulb moment for me!)
I think I've been confusing grieving with depression or a "bad outlook".
Funny how we think of grieving only when someone dies or is dead. I guess I forgot you can grieve for someone while they are still alive. I think that's what I'm doing.
Well, I won't worry about myself so much now. 😉
Thanks. 🌺🌷🌸🌹💐
My Mom complained almost daily the first 4-5 months that she was at the nursing home. Many of her complaints were related to her depression and delusions. Once her medications were regulated, she calmed down and she is content with living in the nursing home now.
None or very few of the elderly "Ask for falling and breaking a bone or having to go to a nursing home". Unfortunately that is part of life and she and you are going to have to try to accept this. It will not be easy and you will experience feelings of grief for what is happening with your Mom. Let yourself grieve as this will help you come to terms with your Mom's situation.
Jules
A huge difference from an old, (possibly) narcissistic, demanding mother who thinks you should wait on her hand and foot and a dog that loves you for who you are, never asks anything of you but just companionship and thinks you're the greatest human in the world.
Mr. Muddy Paws will be waiting for you (when your time comes) at the Rainbow Bridge.
I'll send you a personal message.
To send a Private Message (AKA "PM") to someone, click on the person's screen name which is in BLUE to the right of their AVATAR. You should be taken to that person's Profile Page. Type your message in the "Message Box". Above the box on the Right-hand side, "Check" the small box that states "Private Message".
You can also send a "HUG" by clicking on the "Give a Hug" message below the Message Box at the Lower Left-hand corner and choose a "HUG" from the photos listed. When you have completed your message and checked "Private Message", then click on "Send Message". A "Private Message" will show up on yours and other person's Profiles Pages in a "GREEN" BOX and state "Private Message". Only the two of you can read those. Regular Messages are in WHITE Boxes and everyone can read those. Hope that this helps.
Now that you know this, what can you do about it? She has Medi-Cal already so she'd qualify for a nursing home. Maybe time to take a couple of tours of NH's that accept Medi-Cal.
Hey, don't feel bad. Many of us (for whatever reasons), can't take physical care of our loved ones. Don't beat yourself up.
Day One, I am a terrible caretaker, there is no part of me that likes it. Couple of mishaps that made me realize what I knew and that is I don't have the patience nor compassion to be one.
Day Two, So far so good!
Skilled nursing facilities, especially with rehab, can make the difference. Things are not easy now that he is back home, but they are easier than they were before he went in the hospital/rehab.
The nursing home that my mom resided in had some patients who had mild dementia (the ones with more serious dementia were in a locked unit on another floor, to prevent them from wandering--but even they had lovely activities in the garden and singalongs and the like).
There were many people who were able-minded but who had physical issues.
Needless to say, I think your mother sold you a bill of goods.
Please come back and tell us how this is working out. Oh, and I hope you have a good fire safety plan in place.
This is what you were expecting: "If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off."
Can we at least hope you've made some alterations to the plan since you typed that? Because what you mean by big trouble if it doesn't work out... That trouble wasn't big enough to put you off?
Oh Jules, sigh.
Scared to death of what? Helpless about what?
Between your mother saying what's to become of me and the social worker telling you this is your problem, I think you have had a number done on you.
So. There we are. Let us move on.
How are you going to stop mother getting too comfortable?
We will carry her up the stairs if we have to, we are hopeful she will be able to get up them in two weeks ( not on a daily basis) but up the stairs nonetheless.
Yes, she will receive more PT at my house for a few weeks. I will keep praying this will work out as planned. if it doesn't , I am in big trouble. I am having a cocktail or two with my honey and enjoying one of our last nights together for awhile. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will get the mother I never had...haha. Thanks for being there for me. You all have made my darkness a little brighter.
You are going to see that you should have heeded their warnings.
How WILL you get her up the stairs?
Gotta tell you, if she is like most stubborn elderly folks, the first time "she thinks" she has improved enough to handle those stairs, she is going to be on them.
I do hope I am wrong.
Please keep us updated.