First of all, here is background information on my Dad's living situation. About 5 years ago, both of my parents' health declined to the point that they needed caregiver assistance to remain living at home. We started out with a part-time caregiver and by last year, it was necessary to have a caregiver (paid and family) at the house 24/7. Mom and Dad did not want to move to a facility so we did everything we could to make their home safe and secure. They seemed content all in all.
Mom passed away on October 31st, 2012, in her own bed with the help of hospice. Since that time, Dad's mental health has deteriorated and his Dr admitted him to the hospital with the diagnosis of "failure to thrive" in February or March. He was transferred to rehab for a 6 week stay and seemed to be happier and more active. He agreed to move to an assisted living facility on a trial basis. The trial period is up mid-May and he now wants to go home.
My sister is POA and said he cannot go home. I don't yet know why not except that it might be against Dr's orders. I will find out more tomorrow when I visit Dad during his counseling appointment at the facility. Since that seems to be the case, I am wondering what I can do to make it easier for my father to accept the permanent nature of the situation. Whenever I have gone to visit him the past couple months, he keeps asking when he will be able to go home and I think he may find comfort being at home surrounded by my Mom's things.
Has anyone here arranged to have their parent or parents live in assisted living part-time and home part-time? Or, do you think it would be ok to pick Dad up and bring him back to the house sometimes? I wonder if that would be too stressful for Dad to go home and then have to leave again. It just seems so cold to say you never get to see your home that you lived in for 40 years again. I don't know how I would cope if that happened to me.
For what it's worth, it is a very nice facility where he has his own "apartment" that includes a bedroom, bathroom, living area and kitchenette. Besides talking about going home all the time, Dad talks about Mom every time I see him and I hate to see him in such emotional pain.
One more thing, I read somewhere that the average life span for someone that goes into a facility is 18 months. Has anyone else read that? It's definitely cause for concern because I am hoping to have many more years with my Dad.
Thank you for reading my long post. It has been therapeutic to write all this out --it is weighing heavy on my heart and mind. Looking forward to reading what my fellow caregivers have to say :)
My mother and MIL are both new to assisted living facilities. Both need help rising up from bed, so they are where they need to be. They are safe, eating, are bathing and are around other people.
Many elderly ask to go home, even when they are home. So, I think that it would be worse to let them move home.
I would bring his favorite chair, pictures, books -- even his favorite cup and saucer, rug, etc to make it more like home. Second, you might take pictures of each room, their garden, favorite shopping places or restaurants, street, neighbors, neighbor houses, like an earlier suggestion and put on one of those digital photo frames. This won't make him sad like you thing, but reassuring.
Do you still have some of moms clothes or favorite sweater? Can you bring a couple pieces and hang in his closet? Would he let you cut them up and make a nice quilt or wall hanging for him? To many of is it might sound morbid, but for some it is comforting to open the closet and hold, smell their spouses clothes for awhile. Only you can decide what your loved one will be most comfortable with.
Hope some of these suggestions help.
As far as when a family decides an ALF or NH is appropriate I think it depends
on the ability of the elder to care for themselves and the willingness and financial ability of the family to keep them safely home. Further, the family support must increase to keep them safely in their home with or without home health aides. The adult child of an elder makes lots of sacrifices to keep the elder home and unfortunately as a society we do not help these adult children financially or emotionally. Medicaid pays for NH placements but Medicaid does not pay for the home health aides when needed for custodial care at home. Hopefully as a society we will make it possible for support at home.
Elizabeth
Dad is still adamant about going home. However, my sister visited him this past weekend and told him if he goes home, she will quit as his POA. From what I understand, he told her that he'd stay.
We've been discussing his living arrangements in counseling, that is, my Dad, the counselor and I. My sister lives in another state and visits infrequently. For me, it's upsetting to have a family member strong arm another family member. That's what it feels like --- I plan to continue the conversation with Dad about options, concerns about living at home and what the possibilities are for another POA. I think, though, he's actually afraid of losing a daughter with a threat like that.
Whatever he chooses to do, for whatever reason, I will stand behind him. It just makes me sad that she is doing things without his input.
Personal opinion - if you can keep the house for awhile so your father can "check on it" it might really help him. He has lost so much, it might be nice if he doesn't have to lose that too. I'd guess his visits will get fewer as time goes on. Unfortunately we didn't have that option for my Grandma, and she mourned losing her home of 40 years. We were able to take her back for one visit before it was sold. We sold to a friend of the family (full price), who offered that she could come visit anytime, though she hasn't taken him up on the offer. The sale to someone "sorta" in the family helped her deal with the sale much better. She did feel a huge loss that her things were disposed of without her there, but we had no real choice (she was in hospital/recovery when everything had to be taken care of). I've been interrogated numerous times about where different items went, & have been able to tell her that this went to this aunt's house, that went my bro's house, or "I don't know, but I think it went to so-and-so's house", which satisfies her most of the time. She doesn't want the stuff back necessarily, just to know where it went.
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