Help dealing with family. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help her mother?

You don't mention whether your MIL has any cognitive or memory loss. If not, then she has some say in the matter. You also don't say how old she is or if she has physical limitations. Was your SIL living with your in-laws when your FIL passed away? Was she caring for them in their home?

If your SIL was not caregiving but is the PoA and your MIL is in her right mind or only has very mild cognitive/memory issues I'd take her to the attorney and have her reassign durable PoA to your husband so that he has the legal ability to actually help her. At that appointment I hope she will also complete her Living Will (Advance Care Directive) and her Last Will.

In the end no one can assume or insist or demand that any one person care for another, and your SIL certainly doesn't sound like she's capable of acting in your MIL's best interests. Once your husband has PoA then you can both move forward and not rely on the flaky sister or her "help" or opinions on the matter.

But if your MIL has enough cognitive decline that she can no longer create a new PoA, then that's a totally different answer, so it would be helpful to know what the facts are in your situation.

If SIL is POA she is already doing "her share" in many ways. It is a difficult job. Do let her know you will need funds for respite care. You may also want to consider seeing an elder law person so you can work out in terms of funds just what care plan you wish, and how much your MIL will contribute to your household costs. You cannot change others. The best way to avoid conflict is to recognize that. Your SIL can refuse to care for your Mom but she cannot refuse the COST of care while you have your vacations. I think mediation is an excellent idea. EXCELLENT.

Your feelings aren’t wrong, it’s disappointing when family members choose not to be involved. Realize first that her choices are her own and you have no power to change her. Accept her non involvement and make care plans that don’t involve needing her. Having her pay for respite care is a great idea, as well as having a regular helper come in. I’m glad your MIL is an easy going person, that makes the job infinitely better, but know it’s still a full time job from which you need breaks to avoid burnout

LTC really IS an option if you want it to be. Get your MIL her shots and then get her placed. All the LTCs in our area are open for visits now as the residents have all been vaccinated. If your area hasn't quite opened up yet, it should do so shortly....call around to various ALs and find out.

You can't force your SIL to do the right thing but you can do what's right for YOU. Assisted Living is also a good option if your MIL has funds to private pay.

Good luck!

No SIL does not have to do the caring but it will be her that will have to set Mom up somewhere else. She holds the purse strings. She is the one who will sign as Moms representative. So DH may want to make it clear to sis that Mom staying with you is temorary and that eventually sis will need to place her Mom.

The POA is only valid if Mom can't handle her own affairs. Is that the case? Is Mom competent? Does she know what Sis is doing?

You certainly have the option of telling Sis that you charge $25/ hour for caregiving plus all of Mom's expenses, including rent, groceries, clothes and medications should be charged to Mom.

Sis is likely cleaning out the accounts, just so you know.

Mediation is expensive and only useful if both sides agree to go by the mediator's recommendations. We paid $4,000 to a mediator as required by the sales contract when we bought our house. The mediator came, heard everyone's side, made his recommendations, and the seller still said, "Yeah, that's not going to happen. Sue me." That was $4,000 down the toilet.

I'd get an attorney instead. Make Sis provide detailed accountings of the money she spends on Mom's behalf, complete with receipts. Beyond that, stop stressing out about making her help. She isn't going to, and there's no point in adding more stress to your life about it.

Wow that is horrible that your SIL did that to you and I understand your not wanting to say no. I was there and lost many times to say I no. It sucks I allowed it to happen so long. Take a stand and drop her off at her house because she had no right to do that to you and none of yo are legally obligated to care for her but as POA it is her responsibility to find someone but they never will if they can take advantage. Contact social services and any legal recourse so that you make it clear you are not responsible. Keep you foot down and say you refuse to because she won’t be getting the best care of you don’t want to do it. I am working on my strength to say no too and reading what she did to you guys makes me so angry

I agree with Greaton777, if MIL is competent or only mildly cognitively deficient, have her revoke the current POA and assign you husband as DPOA for both medical and financial. I don't know your MIL's financial situation, but it might be good to contact and elder law attorney to get everything straightened out including having SIL provide proof she is acting in MIL's best interest as far as financially.

You can hire in home aide for MIL or charge for your services but that doesn't guarantee SIL will actually cut the check. I don't know where you live, but in my area, SNF, AL, MC were still admitting residents - I know Mom's AL facility would take in new people, only bad thing is they were locked down in their apartment for 14 days. They are now open for visitors after following the protocols. But again getting her into a facility will be difficult if daughter won't cooperate; unless MIL has access to her own accounts.

I also agree there is nothing you can do to make SIL take care of MIL, her "dumping" her at your door 2 days after FIL's funeral says it all. I'm sorry things are strained. Can you and hubby sit down list out needs and wants, have SIL do the same and sit and calmly discuss without a mediator. Otherwise mediation may be necessary.

I wish you and the family best of luck.

I think the COVID issue is changing rapidly. In my state everyone who wants a vaccine can get it today. I would revisit the care facility with that in mind.

You wrote this in a more recent post:

"I am looking after my MIL while working with some help from my husband. She has Alzheimer's/Dementia so she needs help with everything (bathing, eating, dressing, walking etc...)"

and:

"We have zero help and are on 24/7 and I am fearful of losing my job because of the attention during the day that I have to give my MIL"

This sounds pretty dire. "Some help" from your H? And she "needs help with everything"? Better put your foot down NOW before you lose your job!

Is your H of the opinion "no facility for Mama!"? Because if he is, then things are going to be a LOT more difficult, since you will have to change his mind. (And you might have to move out temporarily.)

You didn't have mission creep...seems you jumped right into fullscale operations on the MIL caregiving front! I am also curious about SIL, though...was she taking care of MIL before she dumped her on your doorstep?

Just to clear things up a bit, my MIL is in advanced stage of dementia and alzheimer's. She is unable to eat, dress herself, bathe, walk un assisted.....really do anything. She does understand 50% of the time what you are saying but has trouble responding. This is why she needs care by my husband and I 24/7, this is also why I need to ensure that I get a break and can take my holiday's from work. We do have part time care-givers come in for a few hours per day but the rest of the time I am taking care of her and juggling work at the same time (I work full time) My SIL is retired and not working. She is busy doing her own things and has left all care responsibilities to my husband and I and refuses to help. We are looking at respite now but want my SIL to cover the cost as she should be responsible for figuring out care for the 6 week break that we need if we are taking care of her mother 52 weeks of the year now. My MIL is helpless and does not understand what is going on, I even suggested that we make sure we keep some of her personal belongings and furniture for when she moves in to LTC in the future and my SIL said what's the point she does not even know what is going on.......so uncaring !! How does she know that my MIL would not recognize some of the things from her own home !

Who took care of your MIL before your FIL passed away? Was he taking care of her and suddenly passed, or was a third party involved in her care? Was it your SIL? In any case, it seems to me that you would not be out of line in placing her in a facility to care for her and you and her son could visit her often. I honestly don't know how non-professionals can take care of someone with your MIL's conditions which need 24/7 attention; it seems an impossible job.

If your hubby is also POA.......then he needs to make decisions. Maybe the sister is not capable or just really never wanted in that position. Both my brother and I are POA's but honestly I do 99% of the decision making, etc. my brother lives half hour away but I end up doing most of everything. Now... our father passed in 2020 (NOT FROM COVID), and our mother is now in nursing facility due to many health issues and both her and I know that I cannot be at her place 24/7 and she didn't want it that way either, so that helps. She was fine with going into nursing care. Your hubby should speak with his mother and they should make a decision together and then seek out an Elder attorney to help protect any assets she has. Find a good nursing facility (and YES there are some out there, my mother is in one)........and hopefully things will fall into place. IF your mother-in-law is still very coherent, maybe she would want to take back the POA of her daughter since its clear that the daughter don't care (unfortunately)......but I guess pancakes have 2 sides so do you know everything that went on between them? Your hubby can inform his sister of what is happening and let it go at that. just make the decisions.........she (sister) doesn't need to be involved IF she doesn't want to be. wishing you luck in this.

COVID or not you start arranging a 2 week Respite for your vacation.
Mom pays for the respite with her funds.
After the 2 weeks mom either stays for another 5 weeks or sister can come pick her up.
Placing mom in a facility would result in a quarantine for a time but mom (MIL) will be just fine.
The next thing you do IF you manage the vacation is you need to hire (again mom pays) caregivers that will come in and help care for her as well as do some of the tasks around the house to take a bit of the workload off you and your husband.
If the POA does not want to release the funds you might have to talk to a lawyer.

Maybe mom should rethink her POA and give it to her son.

Many times a child will just use their parents money and take their things but try to put all the help and work for others to deal with.

She is taking advantage of you. She didn't discuss this with you ahead of time. As POA is she reimbursing you for expenses? Can your sister hire an aide to stay with your mother while you are on vacation? Preferably it would be in her house. If you offer your house, be sure to lock away your valuables and financial papers. You need to have a conversation with her daughter about your limitations and wishes and set boundaries. If her daughter will not cooperate to help figure out how to make this work you might want to discuss it with a professional, as you suggest. But a mediator won't work if the daughter is not cooperating. You may need an attorney.

As POA, is your SIL using your MIL's money to help pay for her cate, housing, relief help for you, perhaps even paying you beyond expenses for your help? She shouldbe. If she is unwilling or unable todo hands-on care, she needs to contribute by managing your mother's resources for your mother's care.

There may be other circumstances that you are not aware of that your SIL cannot take care of her mother Assuming that she is uncaring seems right to you but may be way off the mark. I say this from experience.

My SIL and brother were so mean to me because I wouldn't (couldn't )take in my mom, that for 6 months I couldn't even go visit her. They said nothing to me about their assumptions and refused every offer of help from me which was so awful and left my poor mom wondering what happened to me. It was torture the few times I ventured to go. They were the ones who had offered to take her in after all. Their coldness was excruciating and obviously they thought that because I was the daughter I should have taken her. Never mind my circumstances.

6 mos. down the road things came to a head and we talked.
None of us wanted LTC so we finally agreed to put her in an adult home for a year(all she can afford) while Covid is still going because the adult home doesn't have the same regulations for visiting. Everyone is happy; my mom especially. Talk to you SIL before it is too late to mend things.
If she really won't talk to you then you need to find out what is right for you and it seems you are at your limit now. SIL had 4 hrs. help a day and was still resentful having MIL there. I'm sure my mom is happier without all the tension between families. She loves it where she is.

I wish you he best. There IS a solution.

Oy...you seriously think she would agree to mediation? Don't count on it. First be grateful/see as a blessing that your mil is a "joy", but I think I would be contacting an elder law attorney for some guidance. You deserve and will need some respite and although I doubt the daughter feels any responsibility, financial or obviously otherwise (sounds to me like she has plotted this whole thing out to HER advantage), something like a caregiver agreement should be set up so that mil's expenses are covered for you, which would include hiring privately so that you can get that counted on vacation. You also want to make sure mil's own paperwork is set up adequately. She could be the type to want to divide the estate she may have down the middle, while her dear daughter has done nothing and you are left holding the bag (literally). I'm sure you don't have it in your heart or would want to do the same thing. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing the right and compassionate thing....but try to create a Plan B in case your mil's needs become too much for you....

There are reasons why your SIL won't be and does not want to be her mother's caregiver. Mom might have an amazing disposition and be a joy to be with for many people. That very likely is not the case when she is with your SIL. Maybe you and your husband could sit down with her and talk about those reasons without judgment or contradiction about what she tells you.
In many families there is often one sibling who grows up as the family scapegoat taking the blame for everything. The one who is the lightening rod and catches all the anger, resentment, bitterness, the parents ever have. In families siblings don't all have the same experience growing up in the house. Many times there is abuse with one of them and the others don't even realize it's going on. In later adult years it's usually the abused sibling (almost always a daughter) who ends up taking the responsibility and being the caregiver to the abusive elderly parent.
I tell you from experience because I've been living it for years.
Please try talking to your SIL. Let her know without getting heated that both of you are upset and resentful of having the responsibility dropped into your laps without warning. At least get her to turn the POA over to you or your husband. Otherwise your hands will be tied and you won't be able to arrange care for mom or manage it. Please have a talk with your SIL.
If you've decided that you and your husband are going to keep mom at your home and be her caregivers, you have options.
If you want six weeks off this summer and want to go on vacation mom can be put into respite short-stay care in a nursing home or LTC. You can hire a live-in caregiver to take care of her for a few weeks in the home. Don't take the option of a nursing home or assisted living off the table. Talk to your SIL too. She very well might be willing to help out some if she knows that she will not have to have mom living with her. Good luck.

If SIL is POA that given her a great deal of authority over moms finances & assets. That she has quite effectively & ruthlessly gotten you & hubs to be responsible for moms day to day living and medical needs shows SIL is clever & cunning. There’s another C word I’d use but let’s not....

Imo as long as shes POA, any solution is at an impasse.
I think your choices are:
- mom is cognitive and competent to handle her own affairs and she does a new DPOA and name you or your hubs as her new one. This you get done at an elder law attys office and at the same time update any other legal that may need to be done.
- mom maybe not quite cognitive and competent to handle “executive functioning” totally on her own, so mom does a voluntary guardianship naming hubs or you to be her guardian
- mom isn’t competent or cognitive enough to do either, so hubs files for guardianship. The elder law atty needs to be one that also does guardianships. It will have costs, but once it’s awarded to hubs he can use moms $ to pay for the costs that y’all will have to front. Guardianship trumps any POA, so hubs will be able to do whatevers for mom, her assets, where she lives, etc w/out Sissy’s interference

It sounds like his folks have a home that is now sitting there empty? Is that it? Are you able to secure the house?
So when FIL died, did he have a will? And is anything happening to open probate related to his death? Any idea if in the will if Sissy is named Executor? If you know this is the case, IMO you need to move fast to get with an elder law atty as he may need to challenge Sissy getting independent administration on FILs estate. Like maybe she stays executor cause it is what FIL intended as per his will but it’s gets done as a dependent administration, so it’s court supervised which means anything she might do to sell or liquidate assets needs to be cleared by the court and mom (or you as her POA or guardian) need to be made aware any asset liquidation or distribution beforehand.

Is Sissy a big personality? Is it that hubs has always tended to defer to Sissy? S MIL scared of the wrath of her daughter? You know your hubs family dynamics best. If so, your atty will be pretty priceless for you as he can take the lead in dealing with Sissy and removes hubs from the emotion of dealing with her. Good luck and let us know how it goes, ok.

Is there something in the relationship between that SIL and her mother that you don't know or don't say here? My SIL (wife of brother, the oldest) would say my mother is a joy as my mother worships my brother and has showered them with gifts and kindness while requiring nothing from them. (Different situation from yours clearly since you are helping.). My mother has scapegoated me from childhood even though I was the only one who protected her from my father's physical abuse (my mother used me as a human shield) and has treated me like garbage despite my being the one who was there for every surgery, financial crises (most were lies to get money out of me who has little), downsizing her without any help from siblings etc. I'm going on maybe too much here. My point is that my mother made me her POA (not in force yet) as I've always been the free slave, while treating me horribly my whole life. If you MIL has treated your SIL as the scapegoat or abused her in some way you don't know about, there may be a valid reason she avoids her mother. My brother too has always been physically and emotionally abusive towards me, so I now know I will never willingly be around him again. Just throwing this out there in case this horrible situation applies and helps you understand your SIL. (Of course on the other hand, she may just be an uncaring person. I almost hope for all of you that it's this latter situation.). If it is the former situation though, you SIL deserves compassion and the right to have boundaries. She will have suffered tremendously.

I think mediation might be a very good idea indeed.

Especially as there *must* be more to this than meets the eye.

Your SIL, as POA, can make decisions for her mother. But she cannot make decisions for your husband and yourself - she cannot decide that you are it when it comes to your MIL's care. Which makes this whole situation scandalous bullswotsit!!!

First things first though - what's your MIL's state of mind? Is she capable of figuring out and expressing a practical preference about what she would like to do?

The consensus seems to be that SIL is an evil self serving 3itch, but in my opinion she has zero obligation here beyond dealing with finances.
You say that you are the ones who have watched your inlaws deteriorate for years, why was nobody looking at the long game and planning for the inevitable need for a higher level of care at some point?
MIL needed 24/7 care and you stepped up, kudos to you for your compassion and care. I never tried to guilt my sister into providing any hands on care for my mother because I knew that was not her forte; she couldn't, she wouldn't, and if left up to her my mom would have been in a nursing home 5 years earlier. Nonetheless she was free to visit and interact with both of us in the same way she always had without the stress of veiled hints and overt or passive aggressive accusations because I owned my decision, I knew if it became too much the fault was not hers. Yes, covid has been a consideration over the past year but as others have already pointed out it does not need to figure into your future now that vaccines are widely available. Stop nursing your grievances and start planning the next step, it's time.

First of all, your feelings are NOT WRONG. Mediation is a fantastic idea: please visit the Ohio Dept of Aging and ask for help: https://aging.ohio.gov/wps/portal/gov/aging/

"Both my husband and I are not happy that we are stuck with trying to arrange care to get a break when we feel she should step up and figure it out."

Maybe your husband and his sister need to sit down TOGETHER to figure this out...I get you're angry about the circumstances, and you have every right to be, but many of your responses seem to have the continuing theme that you think SIL is the solely responsible party. Has it always been this acrimonious between you and your husband and his sister? Has his attitude about taking care of mom been one of "you're the daughter, mom is your responsibility" - especially since you say he is "uncomfortable" with toileting issues...I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but to drop mom off on the doorstep with a bag of ill-fitting clothing sounds rather extreme - like an "I've reached the end of my rope" extreme. Did you and husband think MIL was automatically going to become SIL responsibility once FIL passed, because she is the POA? Being a POA doesn't automatically make you the full-time hands on caregiver, nor should that be the assumption made when someone agrees to POA responsibility!

I agree with the previous posters that, if you and hubby are willing to step into the primary caregiver role, then your husband should be the POA. But that very well might be a moot point, if your MIL has advanced beyond the ability to change the POA. If you truly want to resolve this, I strongly suggest hubby put aside the rancor with your SIL, and work with her to find caregiving arrangements that everyone can live with.

Good luck.

A few gaps were filled in by your replies. You and hubby oversaw care for a while. You indicate both SIL and husband are POAs. Was it set up as joint or primary/secondary? If joint, husband should take over the finances and medical decisions. No point wasting time or effort trying to convince her to do anything. He should be aware of her income and assets. As someone else pointed out, the time for discussions around MILs care should have taken place before FIL passed. That ship sailed, so now it's time to make the right decisions for her care. I wouldn't rule out facility care - most places have vaccinated everyone, so they should be safer than bringing in help who may not be vaccinated. Facility care will be dependent on her assets and income.

My YB and I were both appointed POAs. At no time did he EVER take any responsibility or even question anything I did to manage her finances and care. NEVER. We were also both appointed executors for the will. The bulk of assets were in a trust, no need for a will, but several checks came in, like the facility deposit plus interest, the 2nd stimulus, and TBD the remainder of the 1st stimulus they cut as they used the previous year tax return. He was asked to decline and did so WILLINGLY - the only quick turnaround ever!!! I've managed everything for the last 6 years, despite trying to include both brothers in decisions.

Dropping her off at your doorstep wasn't a very nice thing to do, both for you AND MIL. No idea what the relationship between them was, but why was SIL involved? Did she take MIL in when FIL passed? If she didn't want to provide care or couldn't, she should've at least discussed it with her brother first. From what you've said, you and hubby were providing care (with some hired help too?) prior to FIL passing. Perhaps she felt that should continue? As far as expecting SIL to take up any slack, don't hold your breath. It is what it is, so unless husband can work with his sister, he needs to make decisions for his mother going forward. Since you indicate her dementia is fairly progressed, I would consult with EC atty to see if there's anything that can be done to negate her POA. Perhaps if asked she would willingly revoke it herself (in writing!) That would eliminate any need to consult with her about assets/income or any other decision about MIL's care.

IF mom's only income is SS, he can apply to be Rep Payee (legally this is the ONLY way one is supposed to manage someone else's SS funds.) Also, if her husband's SS was more than hers, she might be entitled to more. If he becomes Rep Payee, SIL would have no access to MIL's income.

If this is her only income and there are no assets (such as bank accounts, house, etc.), then she might qualify for Medicaid. Depending on her needs AND income AND state rules, that could be facility care or some (limited) in home care. Medicare might cover up to 5 days of respite care IF the person is on hospice. Could she be approved for hospice care? Given your description, she might qualify - talk with her doctor. They also provide supplies and necessary medical equipment at no charge as well as some help like bathing and support for the family.

Is there a house or just an apartment? If house, it could be sold to ensure funds for MILs care, either by hiring help or seeking a facility for her. Another good reason to see an EC atty. If apartment, can you either move what items you'd like her to have to your place or storage until residence is decided?

"...I think she should pay for the respite." "...has the responsibility to step up with help or financially until things are settled. This should not fall on my husband an myself only."

NOTE: POA does NOT put any financial or care responsibility on the person/people appointed. It shouldn't fall on you & your husband, but it isn't her "responsibility" and you can't force her to pay. If MIL doesn't have enough income, it would be nice if children could/would chip in but it isn't required.

If both your husband and SIL are POAs, would SIL be willing to resign as POA and let hubby be sole POA?

If not, would SIL be willing to work with brother for resolution of what to do with mom other than being in your or SIL's home?

Does MIL have resources for a MC facility? If not, will cause more work, but get MIL enrolled in medicaid and find a facility with medicaid beds which can be a challenge.

If husband has access to mom's finances, then hire more help (as much as she can afford) using mom's money until you can get mom's future determined. You can't keep going like this and "this" is guaranteed to get much worse.

Prayer that you all may be able to resolve this peacefully.

You say below that your mil has little to no money. I suggest you apply for Medicaid. They have in-home care programs that would pay you and/or other caregivers to care for her in your home. ( If she was in a nursing home with no money Medicaid would be paying her expenses.) An elder lawyer could advise if you need help through the red tape. Also your sister in law should turn over the full POA to your husband since your mil lives with you. If she won’t, file for guardianship.

So from other responses further down the line, I read MIL has dementia/Alzheimer's, and you won't do long term care. That's a very hard road. I think it's valid to try mediation with SIL, but you can't expect that she HAS to care for her Mom, either financially or otherwise. She is only responsible for doing what a POA does. What was the relationship between SIL and MIL? Bad, if so- that is understandable to not take care. Good, that one is hard too- be in a caregiver position and be reminded daily as to loosing them? I'd just say if the decision to take care of MIL was decided by yourself and husband, then she isn't obligated because it wasn't her decision. Seems like there is more to understanding the SIL perspective also.