With the Holidays coming up, my question is whether or not to take Mom with me to our usual social gathering. It's a 45 minute drive to their house (not family). Mom seems to get agitated if sitting longer than a few minutes. She expects to be served food immediately upon arriving to their house. Then immediately expects dessert, then demands to be taken home. She sees me as being responsible to tell her what to do and provide all that she needs while there (she won't speak up for herself).
She gets excited about the idea of going to visit her former work friends, but I'm thinking it might be too much for her (and for them!) at this point.
I know it is too much for me, as I am good friends with this family now also, and I wish to stay and visit longer than just to eat a meal. Has anyone had a similar situation?
PS - I'm an only child, she has no in town family and no friends other than these people.
It is stressful getting her ready, stressful travel and a lot of people can cause stress not to mention being away from her "routine".
If there are a few that would like to see her make a date that she can have a few visitors and then you and the visitors can go out and have a coffee or a lunch or dinner after the visit. This way you will be able to see them again. mom can see her friends and it will be on her territory and you can keep the visit real short. I would think no more than 30 minutes. If there are a lot of people that would like to visit break it into a few on one Saturday and a few more the following Saturday. This way she gets a break between and is less stressed and will have a few more visitors the next week.
so hard accommodating all her needs and demands sometimes..! but if I don’t, I get the “evil eye”, and bad behavior from her, causing me to have to apologize to everyone..!
Do a separate celebration with your mom in the comfort of home where she is familiar. I can tell by your posting that you do not have unrealistic expectations from her. It sounds like you are well aware of her behavior, thus knowing that she will grow impatient and want to leave shortly after eating and then you will feel shortchanged with your visit. So do both mom and yourself a favor by booking a sitting appointment early because you know they will fill up quickly as the holidays approach.
Best of luck to you. Let us know how you enjoyed the party please. Go, don’t miss the opportunity. You can’t get back lost years. Divide your time as equally as you can for you and your mom. Hugs!
i know she wants to see them so I thought maybe I could arrange a “walk by”with them, sometime before thanksgiving, where she can say hi to them, but we don’t have to linger.?
i might have to fib a little to her though about Thanksgiving, as she will be expecting to be invited over to their house.
i already told her that since they are older also, and one has been sick, that they may not have the energy to cook and entertain all of us this time.
She seemed to understand that concept. fingers crossed!
I wouldn’t be concerned about what you tell her too much. You came up with a sensible plan. If she gets to see them before or after the event that would be great. Otherwise, I think the way it stands is fine.
Good luck and enjoy your holiday gatherings with your friends.
Arrange another social event in a quieter more familiar setting for Mom, but send regrets to this one.
Sorry, I totally disagree that she should miss out because mom can't handle these situations any longer without making things uncomfortable for all involved. We don't take children to every social activity and we shouldn't be expected to take adults that suffer diseases that impinge on all around them either. It's unrealistic to expect them to adjust or to expect the caregiver to never enjoy a break.
Do your best and don’t worry about ignorant onlookers who don’t know caregiver life.
People don’t always bother to educate themselves on situations different to what they are familiar with in their own lives. They don’t have a clue about sensory issues with someone who has autism.
The same could be said with dementia. We can’t criticize their behavior because their behavior is the norm for someone with dementia. Plus it’s just plain insensitive. Would we criticize a cancer patient for throwing up after chemo? Certainly, many things go along with the territory.
Thanks for this reply and pointing out something important for everyone to read.
My moms extended family still doesn't understand why she can't come spend a late Christmas evening with all of their grandkids running around. First of all she doesn't like to stay up that late, second of all she doesn't remember your house so everything is strange and confusing to her and thirdly having a bunch of little kids running around and screaming is not a good time for her. They just don't get it, so I have to decline for her and let them get angry at me. I suggest that they swing by and have a cup of coffee with her or just to say hello and they never do.
There is a learning curve with all of this and you will get to a point where you know what is best for your mom and what you can manage.
Best of luck.
Not everyone sees this behavior in her, because it all gets directed at me...!
You can then have somebody else stay with your mom while you enjoy the party as planned. Don't feel guilty about "ditching mom" since you already know how the event would go and you would feel "cheated" out of the event you we looking forward to as well.
Halloween first. I should make some costumes for the assisted living residents for when they answer the door to the neighborhood children.
so far she has refused to go to any, saying she doesn’t like to sit, and everyone there she says is “crippled”..., makes me cringe when she says that...i told her the “fib” that these people may not be up for cooking and entertaining this year, as they are in their 80s, and the man just had chemotherapy for prostate, so I would never assume anyway..and he really did have chemo.. I assumed he may not be up for all the fuss of entertaining..
Or, maybe make it an overnighter and take someone with you - one of your friends - so you can shorten mom's visit and extend your own. Also possible you wouldn't have to stay overnight, if the friend you bring can babysit mom and give her undivided attention for an hour or so while you visit. You might even be able to hire a caregiver to attend with you to attend to mom while you're there. If mom too antsy and wants to leave, take mom and caregiver to hotel so you can return for your own visit.
Pack some snack items for the 45 minute drive and for arrival at friend's home. She can snack until actual meal is served...and afterwards if dessert not immediately available. Let her visit with the old coworkers.
The alternative to this would be to invite the former coworkers to her house for brunch or lunch in the coming months. Perhaps one or two of them might even come a day before and spend the night with her for a longer visit.
i can’t get her to sit thru a restaurant meal, so getting her to sit in a car for 45 minutes, then sit at their house for 3 hours just won’t work for her or me.
she goes into a “Mommy meltdown”...!
I am pretty new at this, my mother has Vascular Dementia (moderate) since March 2019 among other health issues. So far I have been attending events that we still both enjoy, I’m am trying to give her the best quality of life, even if we attend for a couple of hours, it makes her happy.
However I am choosing not to take an airline to a relatives house for Thanksgiving this year, the airport scene with bustling people/long security lines, sitting on a plane for 3 hours, in contingency issues, I feel it’s to much for me to handle alone, let alone luggages, walker, wheelchair and taxis.
Everyones situation is unique. If your mom is still able to remember them (co-workers, friends, family) and enjoys the scenery a bit, I feel it’s worth going if not too far.
I just would like to mention, I have read a great book, it has helped me to understand a lot and put me in “their” perspective, it’s called the “36 Hour Day”, I can relate to a lot of pages in this book and it helped me feel that I am not alone.
God Bless you both and good luck:)
A book I found helpful generally, was Leeza Gibbons book “Take your Oxygen First”.
My health has suffered thru this process with Mom, and feel I need to make sure at all times that I’m not promising more than I can handle.
Holidays are stressful enough!
First let me thank you for all you are doing. I have spent the last 5 years caring for my mom with AD, 24/7, with occasional breaks from paid home care. We lost her just a few weeks ago, but let me assure you that the time you spend caring for her will be your highest and best truth of your soul. My first advice is that if you don't know how she will be able to tolerate such a trip, then a bit of effort with experimenting on a couple of day trips to nowhere will give you the information you need to make a decision. If she is already following your lead, then lead with love. My mom had severe sundowning in the last year. Anything after 2pm was especially taxing on her anxiety and fears. Remember that even if there is nothing to be anxious or fearful of, it is her emotions. My mom would also love the idea of getting out to go see someone, but couldn't actually do it. So we would get ready to go everyday (even up to 2 weeks before she passed) then we would walk outside for about 2 blocks. I would hold her hands and walk backwards in front of her. So the IDEA of visiting made her happy. Then 2 blocks and she was done for the day, and just wanted to rest. Friends who KNOW this disease will completely understand and know that your judgement is sound. Bear in mind that your mom probably recognizes that she is declining and might be embarrassed by social situations that are beyond her. My mom was a trooper at pretending she knew what was happening around her 2 years ago, but in the last year she wasn't able to mask her lack of understanding. At that point it is a kindness to not put her in a situation that will hurt her fragile mentality. YOU KNOW where she is at on her journey. We here at the forum can only give you tips. TRUST yourself. You are doing the best you can. Big hugs....
For some reason Dementia patients can't sit for long. My Mom, maybe an hr and she was ready to go. Her AL building was a square. She walked around it all the time. Never in her room. A former classmate, at 70, has ALZ and no longer drives. But he walks miles around town every day.
i know her friend will understand, and I think it’ll be easier for everyone if I just take her for a short visit before or after the Holiday.