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My dad, who is 90, had surgery for small bowel obstruction almost 3 wks ago. He had many post op problems and his bowel incision is leaking. This was what the Dr was afraid might happen. He has not been oriented much since then and there is no way his frail body can withstand another surgery with general anesthesia to fix it. In the ICU they had to restrain him and he was never comfortable. We decided to get him a bed in hospice. I know he wouldn't want any more surgery. And now he is comfortable and allowed 2 visitors. He is sleeping most of the time. I talk to him sometimes and I feel like he knows I'm here. But how do you just sit and wait for someone to die?? This is tearing my heart out. I feel like I should be here all the time but I have to rest too. It's just hard for me. I was a healthcare worker for 40 yrs and I always wish I could do more. But for now, I'm going to sit with him and read my book. Thank you for listening.

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Ann--
I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I, too, sat vigil for my daddy. I watched cartoons with him, whether he was lucid or not, sang to him, fed him popsicles and administered the morphine & Valium. Talked to him when he was awake, or not.

Just a trying time--but to me, it was beautiful and sweet. I knew his body was just preparing to let his spirit go. I'm lucky in that he loved me so much, and the last few weeks were peaceful and painless for him.

There's no 'right way' to do hospice. Let dad be your guide and God bless you with some sweet moments along the path.
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It's very, very hard. I did it with my dad, too.

The good thing is that people don't usually die with no warning. Their breathing changes, and the hospice nurses will notice. You can get your rest and have them call you if they notice his breathing changing.

I was taking a much-needed nap when my dad's breathing changed. The nurse had been sitting with him, went to the restroom, and when she came back, she noticed the change. She told my brother, who woke me up, and my dad passed about 45 minutes later with all of us by his side.
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I am so sorry for this grief. I am so glad your father has so much love. The fact he has had a good long life doesn't make the loss of him easier. I was in health care all my career also; I have always seen death as our last great adventure, the unknown, the mystery. I don't fear it at all, but I DO fear suffering, and I am so glad your Dad isn't suffering. I am thankful he is medicated. Please take good care of yourself as you can, try to think good memories of your Dad to help him from you on this next journey. So thankful you can be with your Dad; I couldn't be with my much loved bro last May, and could only have hospice worker hold phone to him, and have him squeeze his hand to know he could hear my words; He was in that dream state, and otherwise not able to respond. I know a little of what you are feeling. After my bro's passing I was surprised to feel some actual relief, that I no longer had to suffer for him, no longer had to see him suffer, no longer had to fear for him; that he was at peace. I hope that will come in some small manner for you as well.
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Invisible Nov 2020
Lost my father last year and have several times been grateful he didn't have to go through 2020.
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I'm so glad you placed him under hospice care. You say he is comfortable and allowed to have visitors. Wonderful. "How do you just sit and wait for someone to die?". Don't know. But for those of us who have experienced the death of a LO, you do what you think will give both you and your dad comfort. You're already doing that. Holding hands (touch is very important), talking to him (he hears you) then take a break and read your book. Peace will come to both him and you when you realize he will die and that you've done your best.
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Im so sorry u r both going through this. It certainly sounds like the bedt choice for him.
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So sorry you’re going through this. My dad died at age 90 this past summer in his home with hospice care. It was very hard to get through his final weeks, but also a privilege to see him out of this world in the way that he wished. Hold you dad’s hand, reassure him of your love and care, know that he’s at peace, know it’s okay if you miss the actual moment he passes, and be kind to yourself. These are hard days, your dad is blessed to have you with him
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How do you do it? You just do because there is no other choice. When my brother died of cancer he was never awake any time I visited him over the last month or so of his life in a residential hospice, I remembered him asking me to hold his hand once because he was scared, so that's what I did. I've learned a lot since then and I wish I had said and done more - in retrospect I'm not even sure he knew I was there because I didn't try to wake him or talk to him. Just do what feels natural, and don't feel embarrassed to say or do whatever is in your heart.
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Im so sorry your dear sweet dad is preparing for his final journey. I too, am glad he is on Hospice. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and even though i worked in oncology it was different when its your loved one. and i had him on hospice as well. Do what you are doing, talk with him, play some of his favorite music, read some of his favorite bible passages or books he loved. As his time here on the physical plane gets less, talk with him, let him know how much you truly love him and that you will be okay when he passes. You also need to make sure you get some rest, maybe take a short walk outside if theres a garden or trees close by, and eat something even though you may not have an appetite. Please know that the wonderful folks on this forum truly care and will be praying for you and your dad. Blessings, Liz

Also, Hospice does provide grief counseling and i would encourage you to speak with them....
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It is hard. I sat with my Granny for 5 days while she was in ICU dying. After day 2 she was no longer conscious. I did go home at night, but I did book time off work.

After a couple days my uncles and a couple cousins arrived from out of town and we relieved each other.

When there was more than one family member there, we told stories and reminisced. Granny may or may not have been able to heard us. Before when I was on my own with her, I talked to her a bit, but she was tired and did not want to talk. I read a book and did counted cross stitch.

In the end she died on her birthday during the night when no one else was there. I think she may have waited to be alone.
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It’s never easy. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. We don’t want them to leave us. We don’t want them to suffer. So sorry that you are struggling with this.

Somehow we make it through. Sometimes they are afraid and want someone at their side. Others who are independent die after a person leaves the room.

Don’t wear yourself out. Get rest when you need it.
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This could go one for a while--several days, a week, or longer. You can visit as much as possible, but it does not good to ruin your own health because you can't change the inevitable.
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As a healthcare worker you know more than a lot of us. Thank you for your service. There are usually clear signs of near death. Rattling when breathing is one of them. Hands and feet become purplish and other signs. Now I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but some signs are there. I sat by my fathers side at 2 in the morning. The hospice allowed entry 24 hrs a day. (In your case maybe Covid restrictions are in place.) Anyhoo, I wanted to be there while it was quiet all around. I wanted to feel HIS presence. To tell him I loved him. I wanted to tell him he did a good job with us. That he could let go now if he wanted. His job on earth was done and we were proud of him AND all was forgiven. I was able to do that and felt peace. I am now POA for my mom, as she is in MC. But for me, when I bury my mom, just as my dad, I know I did for them all I could do while they were alive. Don't get me wrong, hasn't always been easy, but don't beat yourself up, if you're not there when he passes. Tell him while he's laying in hospice, for your peace. Hang in there.
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When I have sat with doing family, I’ve held their hand and just talked - how much I loved them, what a good (sister, dad, mom, etc.) they are, how they will soon see loved ones, that I would watch out for the other family members and it was okay to let go, or just sitting quietly and being with them. Playing soothing music too. Best wishes HUGS
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Anlat, thinking of you.
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My my dad passed away yesterday while peacefully sleeping in hospice. I had spent most of the previous day in his room. I told him I loved him and that I was there . He looked comfortable. My heart is broken now and I feel numb , but I know he isn't suffering. And thinking that hopefully he is with my mom now makes me feel better. He missed her so much, she died 15 years before.
I appreciate all the thoughts prayers and comments from everyone on here. This is very hard to go through but I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last. We meet with the funeral home tomorrow to discuss arrangements. I'm not sure what is allowed with covid here. But we will figure it out.
My heart goes out to you all. ❤
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SueNWPa Nov 2020
I'm so sorry for your loss Annlat. To lose a loved one, especially a beloved parent is a deep heartache. I recently experienced the same. We honor them by keeping them in our hearts and living the life they would want us to live.
A poem that has helped me to keep doing what needs to be done.
Hope it helps you also:
You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he’s gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he’d want:
smile,
open your eyes,
love
and go on.
Author Unknown
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I'm sorry for your loss Annlat.
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I think the longest 19 days of my life was when my dad went on hospice at the ALF where he lived with my mother. He was lucid and talking with us for the first week, and then things went south from there. So, for about 12 days, we had to 'watch him die', as you put it, and there's no other way TO put it. I reached the point where I was praying that God would take him sooner rather than later because it was so difficult to witness him in such a condition. Fortunately, hospice was able to keep him comfortable and relaxed, so I didn't get to witness much agitation or displays of pain, and for that I'm grateful.

I don't have any wise words to give you to help you through such a dreadful period of time. You feel helpless, and that's a terrible feeling to have, especially after having been a healthcare worker for 40 years. There's just some things we can't fix, and this is one of them.

Sending you a big hug and a prayer for a quick and easy transition for your dad to a place of pure and eternal peace.

Oh, I just saw that your dad passed peacefully yesterday while sleeping & looking comfortable, thank God. My deepest condolences for your loss, dear one.
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Annlat, Thanks so much for getting back to us. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am so glad you got to be there, and that your Dad was comfortable in his last time. Heart and thoughts out to you.
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Sorry for your loss, Annlat.

You did well, escorting your Dad through his last days of life.
That is just how loving someone is done.
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Ann,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Many hugs!
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So sorry that you are experiencing this. Imagine your dad is your client, what would you do for him if you were still working: hygiene needs, rub lotion into skin, oral care, play soft music he likes, tell him that you love him, tell him that it's ok to leave... Also make sure to meet your own needs: eat regular, good meals, get sleep in a quiet room (preferably not his), and take time for your own hygiene.

As a RN, I have had the experience of clients passing from life and it appears they need to finish "life work" first. So, get the family and friends to visit. Let dad you you will handle all his financials and the home after he passes. If he has a pet, let him know who is going to care for it from now on. I even had a Catholic client with a terminal head injury who waited until she had last rites. All that :life work" being completed helps them to relax into eternity.
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As a healthcare worker what is the advise you would give to someone in a similar situation?? I suggest you listen to what you already know
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I spend time with people who are dying if they want company. I have done this for many years. Often old friends and family don't visit any more. Maybe it is too painful or they live far away. Maybe they fear death. When I was 38 I died during surgery due to massive blood loss. It was so beautiful where I went. The hospital folks took good care of me and in a few hours and many blood transfusions I came back to life. So I have no fear of death. You are doing the most beautiful thing a person can do. Keep him company, share your love with him, talk to him about the good times you had, how much he means to you. He can hear you and feel your love although he may not be conscious. You may have to tell him it is okay to leave you. That you will be alright and one day you will meet again in the afterlife. Some people need to hear that from someone so close to them. Then be glad that he is free of pain and his suffering is over. I always say that when you love someone they never leave you.
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Most people die alone and maybe that’s the way they want it. Family will leave for a short time and that’s when the end comes. Be there when you can but get plenty of rest, eat regularly and take care of of yourself.
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cetude Nov 2020
Nobody wants to die alone.
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We just had to do this last week. The waiting or “anticipatory grief” is almost harder than the actual death. Once my mom stopped eating, we put her on hospice. They said it would be 72 hours, and they were correct. So I’m total it was about ten days. Those were hard days. My advice is to be with him as much as possible. Sit and talk with the other person in the room. Keep the atmosphere light. We were told they can hear us. I had just left to go home to try to sleep for a few hours. My sister was with her when she passed.
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cetude Nov 2020
that is because you had to watch her die of dehydration. my sister-in-law's mother had no feeding tube and it took her 14 days to die.
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Make sure you got funeral home plans done.
being with someone during their last days of life helps them -- now is the time to visit. After death it is too late. Strange how people do all their visiting and give flower to the dead when now is the time to do all of that--while they are alive.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
My grandma always said, “Give me flowers when I am living.”
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I am going I am going through this exact same thing with my 91 year-old Mother after 2 hip surgeries. It is agonizing, and I am just trying to be grateful for spending time with her before she passes. With the virus, I was not visiting her much except for outside her senior apartment building. She is home in her apartment with hospice as of Friday and I am spending up to six hours a day with her. She has dementia and some other medical problems besides the post-surgical issues. She is not eating much -so it is just a matter of time. But we are talking and laughing and my children and my nieces are visiting and my husband also. I am trying to find comfort in that.
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Don’t read a book; unless you are going to read it aloud to yourself and your Dad. Please hold his hand, rub his neck, and talk to him. He knows your are there! Watch tv shows that he likes, even news and talk about it to him. Bring the news paper read it to him. Bring magazines he like and tell him about the articles in the magazine. Sit in his bed if you can and hug him and kiss him. You are only as bored as you want to be and think and talk to him about your life’s best times with dad.
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Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you. I have been a caregiver for over 40 years - I've been with alot of my seniors when their journey ended. A good caregiver can tell when their time is near - so I do what I can to make them comfortable. Then I sit with them, hold their hands, touch their beautiful face. Human touch is very important - but most of all, I talk to them. Hearing is the last thing to go, so I tell them how much they're loved, how they enriched the lives of everyone, including mine, how blessed all were to know them. I also tell them that it's okay to let go, and to take Jesus hand, and go with him. Permission to die? Don't think so, but they sometimes seem to need to hear it. With you & your dad - share good memories, how he's been there for you, how much you love, appreciate him and all he's done. Share love, most of all. Let him go with no regrets, no guilt, on your part, or his. You're doing a great job.!! Blessings, prayers ---
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Doingmybest101 Nov 2020
Excellent reply. I just went through the same thing with my dad. It was exhausting. I was with him 24/7, sleeping on the floor next to him so my mom could get some rest. I held his hand, brushed his hair, rubbed his shoulders, and talked to him. He's been gone for two months, and I'm so grateful to have had that time with him.
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Wow -- I was with my dad on hospice for 2 months( we were given the idea that it may be a few weeks) - very difficult time and just as difficult taking care of my mom and the emotions that come with that. He has gotten better - went to rehab and now on home care. At the moment bed-ridden and with a cancer diagnosis he will be back there at some point in the future- I feel like I have been to hell and back. I tried my best to be there for him and when I left at night would set him with YouTube movies to watch - mostly animal planet and westerns or movies that would keep him engaged mentally- old Oscar winners. I clipped his nails, cut his hair and tried to take care of things the nurses didn't it was a super strange surreal moment - the floor we were on people kept dying around him and he pulled through. Of course at 88 I know this reprieve will not last but am thankful for the moment and terrified of the next moment that I know is inevitable.
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