My dad, who is 90, had surgery for small bowel obstruction almost 3 wks ago. He had many post op problems and his bowel incision is leaking. This was what the Dr was afraid might happen. He has not been oriented much since then and there is no way his frail body can withstand another surgery with general anesthesia to fix it. In the ICU they had to restrain him and he was never comfortable. We decided to get him a bed in hospice. I know he wouldn't want any more surgery. And now he is comfortable and allowed 2 visitors. He is sleeping most of the time. I talk to him sometimes and I feel like he knows I'm here. But how do you just sit and wait for someone to die?? This is tearing my heart out. I feel like I should be here all the time but I have to rest too. It's just hard for me. I was a healthcare worker for 40 yrs and I always wish I could do more. But for now, I'm going to sit with him and read my book. Thank you for listening.
My Dad went into hospice 2 months before he passed. He and Mom always said they preferred to have visitors while they were living rather than at their funeral, so the children and grandchildren to see him right away. When he was put on the eminent status on the Thursday before he passed, my brother was on a job site and felt he could not leave. He said if Daddy died before he got there, then it was God's will, and that he (brother) would be at peace with that. My sister and I took turns sitting with him through the night, by his bed, holding his hand. When she was there, I slept on the couch in the same room. When I was there, she felt better going to her own home (20 minutes away) to rest. My brother arrived on Saturday, and I was so very thankful. Saturday night I thanked Daddy for waiting until my bother got there and it was OK if he "went home." Sunday morning the chaplain came and said he was suprised Daddy had hung on that long. My brother's wife suggested that maybe we should call my other sister (who had come to visit a few months before and knew she could't afford to come back). That sister's husband was a policeman who was killed in the line of duty and preferred to not be close when Daddy passed. Anyway, we called my sister, put her on speaker, and she said "I love you Daddy" and within 45 minutes he was gone. I had thought Daddy was waiting for my brother to come home, but I think he was waiting on my sister to call too. Mom, my brother and his family, sister and her husband, my husband and I were all present (in the house) when daddy passed. Several of us were by his bed when he took his last breath, and we knew that was the way he wanted to go (in contrast to my MIL who preferred to die without an audience).
Now my mom lives with us and has been in hospice for 6 weeks, but she has improved remarkably in the last 3 weeks. Her short-term memory is gone, she sundowns and gets agitated, but physically she is much better. I wouldn't be surprised if at the end of her initial certification period they do not recertify her - and that will be OK. I appreciate all the help Hospice has provided (used the same agency with Daddy 2 years ago and some of the people are still there). I fully expect my mom will want as many of us possible around her when she leaves this world.
That being said, if our loved one passes when we are not present, rest assured it was probably their choice, and they were not truly alone, that the angels were surrounding them to keep them company.
I'm sorry for your loss. Praying for you.
Pray is the best thing for you and your dad.
May God give you the strength and comfort you need.
The key words are what you said," He is comfortable and sleeping most of the time." There is no easy answer when it comes to death and dying. He is comfortable that is the main thing. You would much rather be with him knowing he hears you and how much you love him by being by his side.
I have been a healthcare worker for many years also, but when it came down to the pain and suffering that both my mom, dad, and first husband had towards their end of life, Hospice was the only answer, as they couldn't endure the pain anymore. It was harder for me to watch them in a hospital bed away form their loved ones most of their time, suffering, when they just wanted to be comfortable and die with their loved ones around them, at home or in a Hospice home. God Bless you and your dad.
Somehow, on some level, they know.
I am so sorry for your loss. Rest knowing you spent his last week together.
When my friend, Beth, was nearing death and I was her P.O.A., I made sure I had picked out a casket, bought a burial plot for her and her husband and had things ready as that time approached. She had a hospital bed set up next to her husbands recliner where he would sit and watch TV and died next to him. He was pretty distraught, but I and several other friends came soon. They were already on their way to see Beth and got there in time to console her husband. I got phoned about that and came right away, then made the call to the funeral home to pick Beth up and take her there. I had some female friends lined up to do the ritual washing of the body and wrapping it for burial. No open casket stuff and she was buried the next day. Both were living in the memory care apartment I had found for them once Beth was diagnosed with Frontal Temporal Dementia and could not function very well any more. Her older husband had short term memory issues and could not process what was happening to his wife. I was a long-time friend who they chose to take charge since they had no children or close relatives. Her husband is still alive at 94 five years later and still living in the memory care apartment I found for them. He is in good health, but I am getting things ready for his burial--pre-paying while he still has some money to do this.
I just did it. The first time it was my Daddy, it was in 1974 before Hospice. I kept him at my house because that was where he wanted to be. Mom would watch him at night while slept. I would take care of him during the day. I bathed him, fed him, and gave him his meds. I had 2 girls and I was home to get them home ready for school in the morning and help them with homework etc. They would sit with Grandpa and do their homework. Some people didn't think they should see their grandpa dying. So I asked them if they would feel better if Grandpa went to the hospital. They said no because they wouldn't be able to see him.
I have held my Dad, Mom, 2 Aunts, a Sister-in-Law and a lot of friends while they left this life. Try to enjoy him while you can. If he can talk to you, talk to him about his life, learn everything you can about him. There is so much I wish I had asked my Dad because I found out that my mother lied to me about my Dad so much. Tell him you love him.
DL
"Hopefully she knows the Lord!"
AMEN
YES, That is the most important thing. I know what we face on this side can be hard but let us be ready for "eternity."
Wow it was so surprising to see you have 40 years of service in the medical field. And still have half of my family and I do agree once it hits home the outlook is a little different. I have sympathy for you because I said watch my mother passed away she held on 2 1/2 weeks. Through a outside window looking in .
( window visit )
Once they called me on Sunday and said they don’t think mother going to make the rest of the day . Terrifying emotions everywhere, rushing up to the nursing home wanted to be able to look through the window and cry and tell her it’s OK to go home. With her nurse there, only to discover the Lord wasn’t ready for her yet the next day just as spry alert and singing with the pastor on that Monday she got better to see & participant in her own Home Going. This was video for me I didn’t even know that . Although I cannot be there with mother due to this pandemic there was a lot of videos and photos taken from a very good staff and members of staff‘s , hospice CNA and God‘s angels they were truly my angels for my mother . I can see changes.
when I got the window visit it was a daily or nightly visit I could see her slipping away, breathing patterns changed small frame body no longer wanted food, but she would sips of liquids and then eventually she didn’t like that going away. The hurting part is if your love ones in a nursing home you cannot be with them you cannot hold them hold her hand touch them Or even sit by their bedside until their soul & Spirt separate from their body. And that’s what hurts the most with this pandemic but if your love ones home you can love them hold their hand massage their head tell them you love them and you were there with them so they’re not afraid .
Your love one was 90 years old and he went through a surgery. With the knowledge of the information you received from the doctor this was gonna be a positive or a negative outcome. Just curious who was the medical POA I would never send my parents were that age that towards surgery but now he’s sleeping a lot and that is our sign that the body is preparing itself . As a Kalab pillar does any turns out to be a butterfly he’s preparing to get his wings and you should let him go to his transition continue to shake him and wake him disturbs the transformation more or less enables them to complete their journey. We all have to die soon some sooner than others he had lived a beautiful 90 years old he has seen it all it’s time for him to rest God bless his soul. So don’t wait on him to leave his temple he’s waiting on you to leave the room, after his time of preparation and then he will leave his soul and spirit will separate
So you need to start getting preparation and find the papers prepared for his Home Going for him they always say whatever their date of birth it’s either deport three months before or three months after I don’t know how true that is but that’s all it was true for my mother she passed away August 20, 2020 and her birthday will be November 14, 1933
. Stay encourage that’s what they keep telling me .
Yes sleeping 😴 80% of the time in 20% eventually stop eating then the body can go for two weeks without food before the organs started to shut down. Due to lack of nourishment flowing through the brain and throughout the body in the liquids to flush out the toxins. God bless you
My brother chose not to be there at all and my sister visited twice, but not at all the last four days when the physician said death was a matter of hours. I guess that was their way to deal with it. I wondered how many times she sat by our beds when we were sick or needed help. Still it was not a time of paying back care. It was being there for her last earthly days, a kind of sharing that I can't put into words. I am grateful I was able to be there. I hope this helps.