My dad, who is 90, had surgery for small bowel obstruction almost 3 wks ago. He had many post op problems and his bowel incision is leaking. This was what the Dr was afraid might happen. He has not been oriented much since then and there is no way his frail body can withstand another surgery with general anesthesia to fix it. In the ICU they had to restrain him and he was never comfortable. We decided to get him a bed in hospice. I know he wouldn't want any more surgery. And now he is comfortable and allowed 2 visitors. He is sleeping most of the time. I talk to him sometimes and I feel like he knows I'm here. But how do you just sit and wait for someone to die?? This is tearing my heart out. I feel like I should be here all the time but I have to rest too. It's just hard for me. I was a healthcare worker for 40 yrs and I always wish I could do more. But for now, I'm going to sit with him and read my book. Thank you for listening.
My reply is a tad late. I hope you are at peace.
Studies on coma patients who have awakened show that people can hear someone and realize their presence, even if seemingly unconscious.
Your Dad knows you are there.
You are a good person to not put him through another surgery, even though it will break your heart to lose your Dad.
As for being their 24/7:
If you talk to hospice nurses, they will tell you that often the presence of a relative prevents the person from letting go. They say that very often the patient will CHOOSE to slip out of the room into death, when a family member finally leaves the room to get a cup of coffee.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
When you are at the hospice. Read to him. Talk to him. Pat his hand or head. Tell him you love him. Tell him it is okay to let go.
But I doubt he would expect you to be there 24/7.
My husband had dementia then Alzheimer's for 10 years. At least 6 years of that time, he woke up in the morning, had a cup of coffee, maybe I could get some breakfast in him, then he was sleeping in his recliner all morning. Maybe got up to go the bathroom.
Then if I was able to take him anywhere, or fix him lunch, after which he would be back on his recliner sleeping for 4 or more hours. I would wake him for dinner, he didn't want to eat, then he would be back sleeping in his recliner. He maybe watched TV but fell asleep, and I'd have to wake him to go to bed.
When I finally put him in assisted living, when I would visit, he'd be sleeping in his recliner, unless the aides had him in the living room, on a chair, sleeping in a recliner there.
The only thing different, is that he insisted on eating breakfast and dinner out, so before he climbed in the recliner in the morning, he waned to go out for breakfast. Again in the evening, if I cooked, he wouldn't eat, back in the recliner. It wasn't my food he didn't like, because he always loved my cooking, but the act of eating he just wasn't hungry. Going out for food was his socialization. I'm sure this hasn't helped but my spouse slept at least 18 hours a day in a recliner then bed.
being with someone during their last days of life helps them -- now is the time to visit. After death it is too late. Strange how people do all their visiting and give flower to the dead when now is the time to do all of that--while they are alive.
As a RN, I have had the experience of clients passing from life and it appears they need to finish "life work" first. So, get the family and friends to visit. Let dad you you will handle all his financials and the home after he passes. If he has a pet, let him know who is going to care for it from now on. I even had a Catholic client with a terminal head injury who waited until she had last rites. All that :life work" being completed helps them to relax into eternity.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Many hugs!
You did well, escorting your Dad through his last days of life.
That is just how loving someone is done.
I don't have any wise words to give you to help you through such a dreadful period of time. You feel helpless, and that's a terrible feeling to have, especially after having been a healthcare worker for 40 years. There's just some things we can't fix, and this is one of them.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for a quick and easy transition for your dad to a place of pure and eternal peace.
Oh, I just saw that your dad passed peacefully yesterday while sleeping & looking comfortable, thank God. My deepest condolences for your loss, dear one.
I appreciate all the thoughts prayers and comments from everyone on here. This is very hard to go through but I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last. We meet with the funeral home tomorrow to discuss arrangements. I'm not sure what is allowed with covid here. But we will figure it out.
My heart goes out to you all. ❤
A poem that has helped me to keep doing what needs to be done.
Hope it helps you also:
You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he’s gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he’d want:
smile,
open your eyes,
love
and go on.
Author Unknown
Somehow we make it through. Sometimes they are afraid and want someone at their side. Others who are independent die after a person leaves the room.
Don’t wear yourself out. Get rest when you need it.
After a couple days my uncles and a couple cousins arrived from out of town and we relieved each other.
When there was more than one family member there, we told stories and reminisced. Granny may or may not have been able to heard us. Before when I was on my own with her, I talked to her a bit, but she was tired and did not want to talk. I read a book and did counted cross stitch.
In the end she died on her birthday during the night when no one else was there. I think she may have waited to be alone.