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My mom is in lockdown in memory care and I can only call her. The lady at the facility in charge of doing the video chats told me over a month ago she would do Skype with me every week and we agreed on a daily time. I didn't get a call the day she was supposed to do it, so I called and the director said the lady that was in charge of doing the video chat was not at work that day. So, I waited for her to call me for video chat, and it never happened, even though she had been back at work.


I called the next week and asked the head nurse/co director to do a video chat, and she did the Skype with my mom. It was at 2pm, and my mom looked exhausted and didn't have her glasses on. Mom has only one eye, and the one she has left has poor vision without her glasses. So, I requested they get her glasses so she could see me.


So, I've just been able to talk with my mom on the phone for the last 6 weeks, and Skype with her once. I would like to see her more often on Skype, but the memory care still doesn't have their stuff together. I called last week to see if they are going to resume Skype with my mom, but the lady in charge of doing the Skype said yes they're still doing it, but now it's Zoom.


Well, she couldn't figure it out, so I still couldn't see my mom.


She said she would reschedule my video chat with mom for today. She never called. I called a few minutes after my scheduled time to talk with the lady doing Zoom. The director let her know I was trying to get a hold of her to do Zoom or Skype. Neither one called me back. So, an hour later I called back telling the director I never received a call. The director told me she would talk to her and call me back. Never received a call back from director either.


Are any of you having issues like this? You can only talk with your loved on the phone? My mom lives in an inside room that doesn't have a window to the outside only inward to the garden area in the facility.


At this point, I'm getting a little tired and starting to be concerned. Would you be, or is this common place to only be able to talk on the phone with your loved one and not see them?


Thank you for any input!

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I have only spoken to my mother over the phone for at least 6 weeks now, since the no visitor order was put forth by the State. Mom lives in a Memory Care ALF also. They do Google Duo video chats once a week, however, so we do have that. If I were you, I'd be calling the facility EVERY SINGLE DAY to ask for a video chat to be scheduled once a week. It's their job to get this video chat set up properly for the residents and their families, period. Not getting a call back over and over again is NOT okay. Call the Executive Director personally, or whoever it is that's in charge of the entire facility. Let your displeasure be known without being rude, of course..........but be firm.

That said, it IS commonplace to not see loved ones for extended periods of time with lockdowns such as this. This COVID19 situation is unprecedented, however, and the longest of any I've encountered. And likely to go on for many more months before visitors are allowed back in. Or until a vaccine is developed and available for everyone. The non residential care home settings have been hit the hardest, so they're the least likely to lift restrictions, you know? That's why I think you need to be persistent with your mom's place to let them know you MUST do a weekly video chat with her, period.

My mother has been in such a foul mood for weeks now, I can't even tell you. She doesn't really even want to speak with me! She won't answer the phone when I call, or, she'll be in such a rancid mood that she'll say she doesn't want to talk. She's obviously not coping well at ALL with the few new restrictions that they've put on her. Such as wearing a mask when she leaves her room. They're still doing one-on-one activities, still serving 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, still doing most of what they were doing pre COVID19, including allowing the residents full use of the beautiful garden outside. So I'm not sure why my mother is THIS upset and furious. I do know that I haven't been able to send her things or bring her food, which is irritating her........so that may be most of it.

It's sad, all of it. I've been dealing with my parents and their health and living arrangements since 2011 (as an only child); Dad passed in 2015 and it's been one thing after another with my mother since her sounding board and scratching post is no longer there. And now that I can no longer 'do' for her, she doesn't even want to speak to me 90% of the time.

We do our best, right? Come what may. Wishing you the best of luck getting your message across to the powers that be at your mother's place.
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Roseformom Apr 2020
Thank you Lea! You are blessed they do Google Duo for you and your mom every week. Our situations are similar in that I'm like an only child. My brother lives in another state and only comes out once a year.

I think they got the message when I called them yesterday. The lady in charge of doing video chats called me this afternoon and I was able to do Zoom with my mom. My mom didn't have her glasses on again, but this happens quite a bit there. I think they have been overwhelmed for a long time, even before the quarantine. They don't hire enough staff and the old staff left when new management came in at the end of last year. I'm looking into a new place for my mom with a better ratio of caregivers. Her place she's in went from 1 caregiver for every 6 residents to 1 for every 12 or more at certain times of the day after new management.

The place that I'm looking into has 1 caregiver for every 3 residents and it's in a large home with a capacity of 15. She's first on the waiting list, so when this quarantine is lifted the director of the home is going to see my mom and will let me know if she qualifies to live there.

Wishing you the best with your family as well. Thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences. I appreciate it.
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My mom has moderate mixed dementia and is in the Assisted Living side currently. We bought a Facebook Portal so that we can video chat. It looks like a digital picture frame and it plays a slide show of pictures I set up when not in use. I use Facebook messenger to call, and it's only one touch on the screen to answer. It's worked pretty well, except sometimes she unplugs it. I can see her and seeing who is calling really helps my mom.

Even if your Mom cant do it herself, it would be easier than setting up a zoom call for the facility. We set it up at home, connected to the facility Wifi, from parking lot and then they just plugged it in her room.

My mom's facility has been no visitors at all for several weeks now. It's been hard. Prior to that, even though visitors couldn't go inside, she could come out on the front deck and we could sit and chat, socially distanced. Hopefully we can at least get back to that soon. But no one, residents or staff , has had any symptoms confirmed cases of the virus.
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Roseformom Apr 2020
Thank you Gracie! I'm going to look into buying a Facebook Portal. I love how it also does a slide show of pictures when not in use. Great idea!
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I'm going to add another suggestion that may work for some people in this predicament: you can always send an old-fashioned, "snail mail" letter (in VERY LARGE print, if necessary) reminding your LO that you are thinking about and still love him/her. Then your LO can read it as many times as necessary and desired. I did this twice for my mother. Unfortunately, we lost her a few weeks ago--I found my first letter had been received and opened, but the second was sent the day before her death and I didn't find it in her room after we received "the call". On each envelope I wrote "PLEASE OPEN FOR RECIPIENT" as my mother wouldn't be able to do this herself. Fortunately, with the help of the staff, we were able to see and talk with her via smart phone the afternoon of the day on which she died that evening (9 April).

Sometimes, the "old fashioned" way is still a good idea, and a way to which the oldest generation was accustomed when communicating.
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My mom is in skilled nursing and has Parkinson's and Dementia. The technology I have installed costs about $100 per month, plus about a $400 investment in equipment. I realize that's not within everyone's budget, but if you can afford it, it makes a huge difference.

First, I got her a phone that has internet connection - just like you would get for your house. This service is $90 per month from the local phone / internet provider. This service gives us Wi-Fi, and I don't have to worry about the facility complaining that I'm using too much of theirs. She can't talk on the phone much anymore, but I had to get the phone line in order to get the Wi-Fi.

Next, I bought a Nest indoor camera for $200. This thing is a GOD SEND! Some nursing homes don't like them, but most states are passing laws that make it illegal to forbid the cameras. I pay $10 per month to store 10 days of footage. This allows me to look backwards to see how she did during the day.

Third, I bought a ViewClix, also about $200. It has no monthly fee. https://viewclix.com/

The ViewClix allows me (and a few close relatives) to call her and video chat with her. We have to initiate the calls. She cannot. When it's not a video chat screen, it has rotating images which I can change from afar.

This setup is definitely for someone who has dementia. It's way too invasive for someone who still wants some privacy.

I find it incredibly comforting to see my mom on the camera. Incredibly! There's no substitute. People cannot really describe how she's doing, even when they are telling me every detail. The camera is everything.

The facility (initially) thought I wanted the camera to catch their employees acting badly (and sue them). Of course, if someone were being abusive, it would catch that, but I have seen nothing but consistently kind and patient behavior from the staff members. And, you can tell that they forget about the camera, so I don't think it's just because it's there. (Some are more patient than others, but no one is abusive!)

Now - I live 3000 miles from my mother and had installed all of this way before the coronavirus and shut-down, so I don't know how you'd get the equipment in there now.

FYI, if I owned a nursing home or assisted living facility, I would offer some version of ViewClix for every room!
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Alicew234 May 2020
Thank you so much. I was in the market for a digital frame. This is even better!
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My mom is also in memory care on lockdown. They are allowing me to FaceTime once a week with mom. The administrator or one of the assistants takes mom to her room and starts the FaceTime and then they leave and let us have some privacy. Mom does pretty good in FaceTime and I can talk to her about half an hour. I think one week they did forget to call me and I had to call them back and get someone to FaceTime her.

They also send photos. They were better at that in the beginning then now. I have asked the administrator a few times to send me a photo of mom.

I would be worried if I couldn't at least see mom over FaceTime..my mom can still communicate... but even if she couldn't.. I would want to see her. You can kind of see if they look healthy and cared for.. so to answer your question I would be concerned if they weren't allowing me to see her in real time.
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Roseformom Apr 2020
You're so lucky Katie! It sounds like your mom's place has things together! I would be happy with seeing my mom once a week. I agree with you that you can see if mom looks healthy and cared for. This would make me feel better about the situation. Thank you so much for your response!
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I know exactly how you feel. My mom is also in memory care. They have had 18 employees and 24 residents with the virus so they are working on a skeleton crew. They stopped Skype about a month ago. Skype only confused my mom anyway and she wouldn’t sit still. My mom has trouble using the phone. She’ll call me but not use the receiver. I have to call the facility and hope they answer to go give my mom the phone. My mom has lost more than 10 lbs. and has had 9 falls. Even though she’s in memory care she had a full time private aide in the morning and I was there every day from noon till she went to sleep. I know how overworked the staff is with full staff cause I was there every day. It’s killing me not being able to be there and at least see her. Her room is the same situation. Her window overlooks a locked courtyard. I know if she could at least see me her anxiety would be less. They have had to put her on Lorazepam because her anxiety is so bad. If they would just unlock a gate I could get to her window and at least see her. My mom is confined to her room. Being confined to my home is bad enough. I couldn’t imagine being confined to one room with nothing to do. It’s heartbreaking that our loved ones have to spend this time in their lives alone. I think with proper coverage there is someway we can spend time with them.
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ArtistDaughter May 2020
I agree that the window visit from the courtyard would really help. Could you continue to ask for that? Or do the residents get to go out there sometimes? In that case they can't allow you there. So sad.
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My mother cannot talk and cannot understand anything over the phone. I send a card every day and "talk" to her. I printed pictures of the family. I send pictures and tell her about the memories of what we were doing. Her caregivers tell me that she smiles and seems to enjoy them. A couple of the caregivers gave me their personal cell numbers in case I have a hard time getting through. I think it would really confuse her if I was outside the window and did not come inside. Also, contact the activity director. Mother's activity director has been wonderful. She meets me on Saturday mornings so I can drop off goodies. She is great about keeping me posted
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The device my mom and I use is a Grandpad from Consumer Cellular. She has dementia but only has to touch one large circle button when I video chat with her. It also has music, weather, games and many other functions. It is very simple to use and you control who can call her, no scam calls. This was the best solution I could find at an affordable price.
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Good afternoon, Roseformom (lovely user name!)

As someone else mentioned, we are all learning how to do this on the fly. Some facilities seem to be doing this better than others. In looking back, I wonder if my mother’s nursing home had some information about what was in store earlier than most. Back in November, they started making every employee who had not had a flu shot wear a mask to work. In January, they started to prohibit visitation after 5:00 p.m. This is because all visitors prior to this time were screened for fevers and asked about symptoms of illness and travel abroad. No visitors were allowed after 5:00 when the people manning this station went home. We just thought they were being extra cautious about the flu.

At the end of February, they shut down the nursing home to outside visitors and vendors. Since then, they have set up a 2-3 times a week Facetime call through the activities employees. We also get a daily update from the director. Fortunately, the facility has only one story, so we are able to visit my mother through her window. We call the front desk when we arrive, and someone goes to the room to raise the blinds and position my mother near the window. At this time, we ask them to check her oxygen, change the channel on her TV (making sure she’s not watching covid news), and ask them how she’s doing. The visits aren’t optimal, but at least we can see her and her room.

The facility moved my mother several times while setting up an isolation wing for covid infected residents. This caused a lot of harm to her mental health (bipolar in addition to dementia) which we have spent a month trying to figure out. No UTI, and they are presently doing a blood analysis to check her medication levels. It may be a combination of the moving around, different nurses, and stress from not seeing her daily visitors. She has been doing better lately.

This facility amped up their activities for the residents - they just changed the way they did them. They still do Bingo, but the residents sit outside their room and they call numbers down each hall. They let them eat in the dining room but no more than ten at a time and distanced from each other. I heard they did a group art project this way.

i just looked at our state’s covid status. We have had 303 deaths so far - one third in LTC facilities. The covid wing at my mother’s nursing home is empty, which I hope and pray stays that way. Most of the cases and deaths in these facilities seem to come from only a few counties. Many counties have had zero cases.

It is easy to say that maybe these facilities didn’t take proper precautions, but there is so much unknown about the transmission of this virus and when it even began. I just read an article in which epidemiologists from around the world are studying why certain countries or areas with similar population density, climate, and demographics seem to be hit harder than others and even they can’t figure it out. I pray A LOT!
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Wow this sounds terrible. I’m in a similar situation. It took them 2 weeks to set up a FaceTime call and said they would call me back. It has been 2 more weeks. I will call tomorrow and find out when they can do another call. My mom has forgotten that she can ask them to call me and I hate to bother staff I know they are terribly busy. I think this is an ongoing problem for everyone. I feel like the spouses need the FaceTime and phone calls more than I do. But do feel my mother may wonder where I am on some level.
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