I have been my mother's caregiver for the past year. In this time, I have changed. I look awful, don't sleep, have lost contact with friends and family. I have a worry/ guilty feeling all the time. The good news is that I have a wonderful husband, very good back up help for her during the day when I am at work, and people who I can talk to. Is there something wrong with me? Why isn't that enough? When I do get a chance to get away, all I do is worry. When I am with her, she accuses me of being conrtolling and demanding. We fight all the time because she alwys feels like I am ordering her around. She cannot take her medication on her own, never knows the days, looses her money and bills, has let herself go. She never gets out, watches TV all day. She is critical of others and is not willing to do anything to help herself. She is 77 years old and in ok physical health but I am concerned because she gets NO exercise what so ever, eats primarily junk food and does nothing for her mind. She watches talk shows and reality TV all day and all night. I worry about this constantly because I fear she will only get worse if she doesn't do anything to help herself. I am obsessed with trying to come up with ways to get her to want to help herself. I am convinced that she is very depressed and that she needs to see a psychiatrist. She is currently on Cymbalta for depression and Arcipt for her memory issues, She has been diagnosed by a neurologist as having beginning stage dementia. Is it too late? Is there anything at all I can do to get her to cooperate? Will I ever feel happy or peaceful again????
To save my own sanity, I pulled back and stopped trying to make her into the person I wanted her to be. She has always been lazy and rather inactive, so I just let her be how she is. She's 85 now, so I don't think that making huge changes in her life is going to have any effect one way or the other. So I just try to let her do what she wants as long as it isn't starting an unhealthy pattern. (I do push her to keep socializing with her two friends, because it is healthy AND takes much of the burden off me to be her only contact.)
I had ideas on what would be best for my parents, but after a while realized that forcing them into what I thought best was making their home life uncomfortable. I wanted my parents to feel unstressed at home, so I fitted my caregiving into their lives. My father is gone now, but I try to do the same for my mother alone. If she wants to sit in front of the TV all day, it is okay. If she wants to visit with friends, it is even better. I try not to pressure her into doing anything, because I don't want her to lose the feeling that her home is her safe place. (Hope this made sense.)
Will there be a time that I can relax? As so many others have expressed on this site, respite care time is absolutely a must. In the last 4 months we have been able to guilt relatives into giving us a respite day just twice. On both of those days my wife & I had guilt feelings before we got to the end of the driveway as we left our house. Once we got away from the house we had to remind ourselves that this was our time to relax, to unwind. It was sort of like the feeling we got years ago the first time we left our little baby girl with a baby sitter while we went out to supper.
I think parents never totally get over worrying about their children. As caregivers we never get over worrying about our loved ones. I fully well expect guilt feelings even after my mother passes away. I'm sure I will wonder if there was anything I could have done to make her last years more comfortable. Initially I had those same feelings when my dad passed away, but I came to realize that because of the sacrifices I made in his last years I will never feel the regret that some of my siblings have now.
Do I enjoy cleaning the bathroom toilet, floor, walls, etc. after an episode of diarrhea goes terribly bad? Of course not, but I also know that there will be a time that I wish it needed to be done again. I know that there will be a time that I wish I could see the child-like smile that I get to see every morning when I wake my mother to tell her that breakfast is ready. There will be a time that I will miss the bad as well as the good times.
There will also be a time that I will be happy .... happy in the knowledge that my wife & I did everything we could to help our parents through this difficult phase of their lives.
I have faith that God has a special blessing for caregivers.
"...whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
This is a difficult journey, but it is surely possible to make it and be glad that we did all we could for our parents! Let go of your guilt; don't expect too much from yourself.