Hello and it's my first time on this forum. I don't even know where to start, it's all so complicated. Just knowing you're all here gives me hope that I'll find help and understanding when I'm ready to put it all into words. My mother is 98 years old and still doing not-too-bad in an independent living facility. I moved into the same building that she's in, 6 weeks ago, to give her the extra care she seemed to need to keep her from having to move into an assisted living place, which she was dead set against. We're constantly locking horns. I overheard a conversation just this evening between her and my brother (yes, I was eavesdropping) that shocked me. And hurt my feelings. And now I'm thinking I made a huge mistake in moving halfway across the country to be of assistance to her, and to give my 3 brothers in town a bit of a break from the mother-care they've been doing for years. I was thinking it may have been a huge mistake before I overheard that conversation, because I was already so frustrated with things. Like I said, long story, but at least this a start.
I know what it is like when family has no idea how hard it is to visit someone's house. I took my dad to visit my brother. Taking him to the bathroom was terrible.
I was talking to my SIL about how we can't visit because he can't use their bathrooms. She told me, oh we have grab bars. The grab bars are maybe six inches high and fit under the toilet seat. Totally useless.
I said he needs grab bars on the wall so he could stand up and use the toilet. The grab bars were never put up. So we couldn't visit.
Did your mother ask you to come? If so what did she want you to do once you were there? Did your brothers ask you to move back? If so, what did they want from you?
If any of these people asked you to move back, then think about what they said about what type of help they needed/wanted from you. Where did they want you to live?
If you made this move without being asked to by your mother or brothers, then I'd suggest you back way off, even move to a rent house in same town or nearby town & get a job, friends, a life. Enjoy visiting your mom weekly & take her to appointments when able. That way you are helping your brothers some & getting to help your mom a little & enjoy seeing her more, than you would in another state, during her last years.
IF you were asked to move back to help, especially by her: Don't lose heart. Take a step back & look at this whole situation. There are a lot of players in this so things may not be as they seem. No matter why you are there, your brothers, & even your mother, may be tired, jealous, envious, resentful, afraid,... just like you are.
If someone asked you to move back, talk to them about what you understood they wanted from you, and hear what they say about what they expected from you. If you are both on the same page, then move on to "I am new at this and feel I'm not helping you like you wanted. What can I do differently to help you? You will either get the "oh no you are doing great.." then they will behave better for a day or two. Or you'll get the "I never asked you to be here..." or the "I'm sick of you bossing me around...". Then you will both go to your own "safe space" to hide/sulk for a while.
Either way, from what your post said, I say you need to back off a little. Not because you did anything wrong, but because she/they are not use to this "extra/new" person's opinions, ... and everyone needs a chance to adjust to this family's New Dynamics.
I lived in another state than my parents for years and moved back in with them, after my mom asked me to several times over 2 months. That was 1 1/2 years ago. All my siblings were 100% behind me & paid my moving expenses. My parents were thrilled I was with them and told me that daily the first week & mom was lounging on the sofa enjoying her vacation. I was doing all the things my mom specifically said she can't do anymore (clean, laundry, cook...). By the 3rd wk mom was getting antsy & trying to help/critique my cooking, mopping (we had some little spats too). By the 5th week I overheard her say to dad "I don't know who she thinks she is coming in here and taking over! She's just bossing us around!". Of course my heart immediately sank. I closed my bedroom door to hide for a while, cry a little, question if I'd done the right thing, and review my actions to see if I had really been bossy. After reflecting & calmer, I reminded myself that my dad has Alzheimers, and my mom needed help because she has progressing dementia, anxiety, confusion, & back problems so can't fully care for dad anymore, remember nor always reason well. I realized that even though they did really need me to do all the things I was doing, it was still a hard transition for my mom to suddenly give up all the things she'd done daily for 70 years.
My advice is to back off on whatever it is that you were doing that caused ripples.
Let your mom be in control of as much as possible.
Ask before doing things for her & give her choices. "Mom, earlier today you mentioned the carpet being dirty. Is this a good time for me to vacuum, or would later in the day be better?"
Don't force her to do anything, unless it is a severe immediate safety issue. It's not a disaster if she does not want to take a shower everyday, eat healthy food all the time, go to sleep and get up at times you think appropriate,....
Instead, let her take the lead. Act interested in what she is doing, watching or talking about & ask followup questions about it. Remind her of things before it is actually time to do them, like "Mom, your doctor appointment is in the morning so we probably need to leave about 2:00. Does that sound about right to you?". Then remind her again the morning of the appointment, and 1 hour before leaving...
Most elderly people, even with mild-moderate dementia..., still know if someone is doing things that are in their best interest, and if you are, with time she will grow to trust you and your decisions. Then she will slowly start giving you more responsibilities and less lip:o)
Knowing more about the dynamics between your mother & your brothers, before you moved there, could be helpful to you. I've found that my mother's closest friends are a great source of info d/t they probably know your mother better than anyone else & they like to talk about it. Don't start asking question after question like a detective though. Just casually visit, ask about their day... then mention that you want to help your mom but you don't feel you are doing a good job & you don't know what you're doing wrong. Then just listen. Do not interrupt when the friend is talking unless it is a follow up question or clarification. Once you have her talking & if things are going well, you could mention your brother(s)... Keep in mind that everything they say may not be completely true d/t their memory & hearing might not be good.
Others that could give you insight are your mothers pastor, neighbors, & the Independent Living staff.
When I moved in with my parents, I told my parents & siblings that I don't know how long I will live with them d/t it depends on my mental and physical health. I also said I only have one promise, and that was that I go to go out of state to see my grown children as much as I did before moving in with mom & dad, and that my siblings will need to either be my backup help or they will need to hire someone for when I'm gone. They all agreed.
Good Luck