My father is 77 and I am 51. I’m an only child. My father lives alone in the same house he’s lived in for 50 years. It is NOT a safe environment for any senior - let alone someone like him who had back surgery 3 years ago, walks with a cane, and has a very unstable gate. For most of my life, my father was not a regular dad. My parents divorced when I was 5, and although I saw my dad every weekend until I went into high school, he was barely involved in my life. My father is also an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. 3 years ago, he underwent back surgery because he went from walking normal to walking wobbly, to not walking at all in a 3 week timeframe. The surgery was successful (he’s not paralyzed) but it definately had a severely negative effect on his quality of life. He has lost confidence, rarely drives, is angry most of the time, and barely does anything. He refuses to accept his physical condition as his new normal but does not do anything to fix it. He won’t try P/T, won’t use a walker, WON’T stop drinking, and is basically a recluse. His memory is spotty which I know makes him nervous but he really doesn’t admit that’s a problem either. Doctors visits are because I force him to go (and take him) but I am usually so embarrassed at his outbursts and rudeness while we’re in the waiting room. He calls me every day several times a day asking if I want to go to lunch - then do I want to go to dinner....then to say basically nothing at all. It's literally become like a life sentence for me. He doesn’t demand that I come down to visit him but he’s soooooo lonely and I feel like I should because he asks every day. I don’t want to push him away but I don’t want to enable the situation either. I’m completely at a loss but this has become my new full time job. I think he looks at me as a friend or a client or something! I don’t even know for sure that he thinks of me as his daughter (who has kids of her own and a life.) I dont know what to do or where to turn.... I can’t imagine my life staying like this. I worry all the time. What should I do?
You are doing a great job! Don't forget that.
I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel like I am my parents only social outlet. Aside from work... They didn't cultivate many friendships and now... They are retired. In addition... Obnoxious. (obsessed with politics) Sorry. There, I said it.
So for friends...Welp, they have me. I am in the same town. (and I could care less about politics! Or watching the 24/7 news channels 24/7...)
I had to decide how much time I am willing to spend. And so do you. I have to say....your going three times a week and being a hour away is definitely plenty! I try to see my parents once a week. And try to call them a few times in between. Is it possible to not answer all his calls? Would you worry if you didn't? You can listen to his messages immediately and decide about when you will be calling back. You could have some stock things ready.... Sorry dad, I'm cooking dinner. If you are okay? I'll talk to you later. Or, I'm coming tomorrow, we can talk then.
Type or write out a few things you can say. Then practice. Sometimes we get into the habit of letting them keep yakking when we need to go!
I tell myself it isn't my fault that my parents don't have friends. I will say the same to you. It isn't your fault that he doesn't have friends.
And I will tell you again, you are doing a great job!
Hugs.
Sparkles
You say your father’s home is not safe for him, and additionally he is a fall risk. Would he consider Assisted Living? His health may not be all that great. Alcohol has a detrimental effect on the entire body, including his mind. Ask his doctor to test him for dementia. When he acts out in public, it’s ok to firmly tell him to stop it and behave. Yes, like a child.
Since he is so dependent on you, he may accept any advice you had to give. But first, he needs to dry out. He has to want to stop drinking or rehab won’t do any good. I hope he’s not driving drunk.
Stop answering every call. Tell him you will talk to him once or twice a day and that’s all. He’s capitalizing on your pity. He’s using your guilt at not being available to him 24/7 against you. Only you can put an end to that.
Good luck. I know this is difficult.
Or maybe a servant/friend. I've seen very rich isolated housewives turn their
housekeepers and gardeners into confidantes (I know because it's happened to
me and others I know). They have total control over relationship and because
they also have control over the individual's pay, the hired help is forced to play the part of an obsequious friend. There is no reciprocation. Neglectful and/or narcissistic parents try and form the same type of bond. I think. And punish or guilt trip you when you wont submit to their terms.
You can't care give someone out of this mindset, but you can die trying. As he's unsafe where he is, you should explore different living options for him. Worse comes to worse, report his situation to social services. But try and get him onboard first to live in a healthier environment with assistance.
He needs help, and there are not enough of you to provide it. In a care facility
there will be a small army of people to assist him. Not just you. It is really better for both of you.
So true!!!!
dysfunction for decades. I've seen very frail seniors living well into their 90's at
home and way past 100 in a facility. You could be stuck doing this for 20 years. No joke. It's not in either of your interests to do so. Each time he falls,
or forgets to eat, or stays shut in all day, he loses a little more of himself and
needs to take more of your life force to keep going. That's the reason a number
of caregivers die before the person they are care giving. They are quite literally transferring their life force into the other person so that they can keep going.
There are better solutions out there. For both of you. Living a lonely shut in life
mired in alcohol, and dependent on one person, that isn't good for him either.
Sounds like my Father apart from the alcohol and he is much older(92) and now in care facility.
Believe me I understand. Like you tried everything to help him but he refused to do anything to help himself. He thought he knew best. All carers,doctors,physios, mental health team,nurses,the list is endless were hopeless according to him. I now realise what he wanted was a personal slave to do exactly what he wanted without question. I had to wait or a crisis when he was in hospital to get him in care as he's a complete refuser. I have power of attorney which is a must or they can do what they like. Mental health doctor and hospital doctor deemed he had not capacity to make decisions about his wellbeing so I could decide. He was not eating, washing,going out. Sat all day with curtains shut but refused to believe anything wrong. He's still at it demanding to get home and says being kept in care against his will . It upset me at first but you have to make yourself toughen up. For your sake and well being. I can now just walk away when he starts. It's taken me years to get to this stage. I still love him and care about him but I am not allowing him to bring me down or take over my life. What a rant. Hope it helps
I agree you do not need to answer your phone every time he calls. That’s why we have voicemail. So what if he doesn’t like it. You decide when to pick up the phone. I and many others here have had to do that with our parents. Even the sound of my dad's personal ring tone would give me anxiety so if it was evening I would block his number. He was in AL so I knew he had help if needed.
You must do what you can to protect yourself and not enable. You can learn these skills through Al Anon. Report back. We care!!
Perhaps he didnt keep in touch with you as a child because his alcoholism was in full force? Some alcoholics can go to work everyday and do their job, and no one knows. They will white knuckle thru because they have to earn $ for a roof and alcohol. Then go home and get drunk evenings and weekends. Its like 2 different people. It's called a functioning alcoholic. I don't know your life, but it's just a guess. That doesn't excuse any abuse aimed at you.
I'd lay down the law that you won't be there for him unless he gets OT, or carers to help.
You can always call adult protective services on him. You are not his caregiver.
I wouldn't go to a doc appt and be abused. I'd tell him you will stop any time he starts abusing you. Give him the number for uber and leave. I'd give him 1 chance to knock it off before I left. I would do it and mean it! You have to.
You might have to threaten no contact if he doesnt help himself in those areas he needs help, like pt.
But you have to be strong and follow thru. Even if You feel guilty. Do it. Nowhere is it written that because you share DNA you have to be abused.
I'm terrible but I would tell him you weren't there for me, and I am not filling in all voids now. I've learned to have to put boundaries up and stick to them with the narcissists in my family.
When you feel guilty because you out up a boundary not to be abused, or walked over, think of it as setting boundaries for a child that throws a tantrum. You are just being the adult and will not accept child like behavior. Good luck.
We need to set boundaries in accordance with what we can live with (not what he or she wants) and stick to these depite the pushback we'll get. We can only do so much. We will never make this person feel secure and happy. We need to find a support group to turn to, people who are going through the same thing. we need to laugh. We need to pray the serenity prayer. Best of luck.
You can't reason with a drunk, not now, not ever. You can't get him to stop drinking, he has to WANT to stop, and so far he doesn't want to. All your wanting in the world won't work. It is the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". If he ever wants to quit he will need help, but he has to want to, and HE has to ask for help.
There is a book called "Codependent No More, How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for your self" that may help you. You need to detach from this drunk. He will suck you dry. I come from a long family of drunks and I know they are totally selfish. He doesn't care if you spend all your time with him to the detriment of your husband and children. When you married your husband you promised to "Cleave" to him. Your main job in life is your husband and children.
Please get some help for yourself. Your children and husband need you. Don't drag them into the whirlpool of this drunk.
ACOA is great. Did it many, many yrs ago. Probably need to go back. Thought I had done all the work necessary to be able to handle Dad now. Boy was I wrong!
I am now 2 yrs in of caring for him. My home is in VA and he is in CT, in my childhood home. The first yr I went back and forth and spent the whole winter with him. By spring I thought I was going to lose my mind. He would fight and resist me on everything, insist he could take care of himself (he couldn't) refuse any help, and generally be a nasty curmudgeon constantly. It was so draining. So I began to spend more time at home than with him. Then last Sept he fell and ended up with a spinal compression fracture and a fractured pelvis. I took this opportunity to take away his truck keys, which meant no more alcohol, but increased anger and nastyness to me. I also moved in with him FT as I could see no other option. But, it's killing me. His house is a moldy old new England colonial and I am very allergic. The stress of the situation and dealing with his narcissistic, petulant, abusive personality is affecting me in many ways. It will take me a long time to recover.
Right now I am in the process of placing him in a care facility. He will not like it but too bad. I have lost everything trying to care for him..my health, my wealth, my sanity, my relationship. Don't let this happen to you!!!! I wish I had found this forum earlier to help me understand that it was not my obligation to do this. He was a sh*tty, abusive father , and he still is.
In retrospect I realize that I should have just left him alone to live his life based on his choices. Yes, he may have hurt himself again. Yes, he may have fallen down and no one found him for days or weeks. He may have killed himself by not eating and drinking himself into oblivion. But I would still have my life.
Let me repeat myself and the words of others: YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO MAKE THE SH*TTY LIFE HE HAS CHOSEN BETTER!!! HE DOESNT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION AND CARING. HE WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE YOU. IT WILL DRAIN AND DESTROY YOU AND YOUR LIFE. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
This is your opportunity to learn and practice boundary setting and tough love. I bet, like me, this is an important lesson for you. And like me I also bet you have spent your life seeking the love your father never gave you. I can guarantee you that choosing to take care of him, allowing him to continue to engage in his lifelong behaviors with you, and not disentangling yourself from him will NOT have you find that love either. LOVE YOURSELF INSTEAD.
I wish you the best in moving forward in a positive life affirming way that protects your life, your kids, and your sanity. Don't let any sense of guilt or obligation put you into an untenable situation you will regret. Feel free to reach out personally if you would like.
Blessings...
U r lucky you had an insight ful dad...
*Shorter time with your LO
*do not engage in his fixations/danger subjects by emphasizing and redirecting him
*walking out of the room (or leaving) if he continues his negativity.
*making your own life a priority, taking time outs are imperative to both of you.
*daytime visits/time with your LO is best, nights are not good cuz the drinking adds up over the course of the day.
i attended ANON once - and the main theme I got was that I was to not be an enabler, and to put myself ahead of him at all cost, and take medication for anxiety. I attend Dementia seminars in my area and they are the opposite- they say his brain is not well, he may not realize the amount he drinks, and it’s not his fault.
So at the end of the day, you do the best you can, and rely on those around you (family & friends) to be good listeners...cuz their advise won’t be that good. Why? Because they are not living on the inside - they will never be able to advise you like this site - they don’t really understand - they are not in the middle of it.
I am not strong enough yet to take the bull by the horns and force my dad into assisted living. To do that I would have to stop caring for him cuz he won’t go willingly. Right now I am enabling him to continue on this path because of my weakness. As Jann Arden said ‘I love my dad but I don’t like him’. To explain...my love runs deep, but my dad has always been negative and condescending... now he uses these as his vice in life. The alcohol makes it worse. He won’t have help in, he won’t do exercise to keep his muscles moving, he does not like going out (blames it all on the doctors taking his license away); and is hard of hearing and cannot manage his hearing aid. And he falls and hurts himself on average once a month or two.
I love the visits that do go well. He tells me he appreciates me and does not know what he would do without me. He does care about me, Those visits are better ... I don’t engage him or manage to redirect him. It’s hard to do, it’s takes practice and determination.
Good luck. Be strong. Talk time for yourself. Be healthy.
Mom had a full knee replacement 2 years ago. But still concentrate on the pain. Doesn't try to help herself, or even try to join the local senior center! The other day she asked me to swipe her cr card at the store! I had to remind her she could do it! I hate that I do this, and I feel I get short with her more often than not these days. Want to mention that I go visit her 3-4 days a week after a full day of work, and on most sundays. And I feel feel guilty if I don't, but I have a family, and need some me time too!
Anna....
forst thing you must know
is you are not alone in this fight..: I have had to deal with pretty much the same issues but with my mother... Who has become a recluse , can walk but won’t duento laziness and an addiction to sympathy she gets from my other siblings... I refuse to give her sympathy and enable her to stay in the toxic situAtii. She has lit herself in...
Her doctor told her she has not reason to be in a wheelchair and that all she needs is PH and small sessions of walking !!! and she refused..: she also has to be almost dead
beforw she’ll go to the doctors and refuses to take the medication she is supposed to be on for her heart and diabetes but refuses to take them.. in return she’s become a nasty over bearing , rude person and I finally after research, prayer, and taking to my church family had to remove myself from her toxic attitude and love her from afar.... Now I only talk to her over the phone If she’s nice and doesn’t start gossiping about my family members whom she has torn apart from lies she tells to keep people on her side and feeling sorry for her.. she’s got serious mental issues and I refuse to allow her or anyone disrespect me , verbally abuse me, use me for my kindness then tell
lies behind my back..
so you see sister you are not alone .. The advice I can give you is to either find some care givers for him to do what you try to do .... seek some counseling with others who are struggling with parental abuse , reach out to some senior care places and ask questions... because YOU need to take care of you first.. if you allow yourself to get abused and stressed out eventually you will get sick !!!
I don’t know your beliefs but I know that prayer works and God listens and always brings peace to those who abide in Him ... But if you don’t know or believe in God you can always try taking some massage sessions , meditation ( peaceful quiet
ness) or find really good friends that you knownyoy can open up to and let all your burdens go...
Jesus is that friend for me and he taught me my
worth and that I matter and that it’s okay to walk away from toxic abusive people..
I hope you can find peace and the courage to do what you have to do and not allow guilt to step in...
I will be praying for you !!!
take care & peace
be with you.. 😇
1. Alcohol abuse teaches a person to lie, manipulate, and know how to get what they want by any means necessary.
2. Alcohol abuse causes brain damage, or other medical problems that cause brain damage. After every surgical procedure, Dad got a little worse with memory, self-care and anger.
3. Assisted living will not work because they are not prisoners and can run amuck.
4. We could not make him do anything because even with a DPOA, a person has to be deemed incompetent before you can make them do anything.
5. You have to let him fail. All of us siblings agreed that we would put severe limits on our aid and assistance because he refused any outside services. He would not even let us clean, wash his clothes, or help him with medications.
All he wanted was to be able to call us anytime day or night and demand we take him to the store or bank, which was an opportunity for him to buy stuff to hoard and buy booze. He was shoplifting items in the store, and buying cases of pet food on sale. He does not have a pet.
So we said once every two weeks someone would take him to the bank or store. He refused to use the senior shuttle system, giving a variety of complaints.
So he did fail, after tons of drama, extra efforts at manipulation, and lots of verbal abuse. We knew he had brain damage, but there was really nothing we could do.
He got the evaluation during a hospital stay where all us siblings refused to take him home. I was able to get him transferred to a skilled nursing home. And apply for Medicaid, and my brother got guardianship of person. So Dad is now safe, clean, and we are able to breathe.
6. This is a long process, be strong. You owe yourself not him.
Everything about it is sad. Especially
since there is no hope that he will ever be anything other than what he is. He is not able to give you anything emotionally.
Save yourself. You can without giving up your heart and soul.
He, too, is very lonely. He has alienated almost everyone but me. I am the only person who will talk to him at this point. Even his parents will not return his calls.
When, He calls I talk to him, but I do not allow him to manipulate me. I limit the conversations to a half hour. If I have somewhere to be, I end the conversation sooner, but always pleasantly.
If a doctor will say that your father is housebound, due to physical and mental disabilities, you may be able to have a CNA come in Several times per week, during the day.
Then, perhaps, he will not be so lonely.
The solution is that he can choose to go to AA and join the thousands who have, with God's and one anothers' help and encouragement, faced their reality and "hit bottom" and stopped drinking one day at a time...
There is also an organization called Al-Anon which is for loved ones of Alcoholics. There are no dues or fees....Loved ones often suffer as much or more than the alcoholic.. I urge you to consider going...You will be made welcome immediately. You will find them in most every town of any size...My own town of 75,000 has seven or eight meetings at various places each week... You will be amazed at how these folks have learned to cope with their loved ones alcohol problems.
Meanwhile, I also urge you to find the courage to tell him you are only going to visit him (choose your number) times a week unless he stops drinking. Offer to take him to an AA meeting. If he says he is not an alcoholic, or that he can quit anytime he wants to, but does not want to, or that he likes to drink, or that if anyone was in his situation they would drink too, or tat he "isn't as bad" as many others, or will switch to just beer, tell him to have it his way, and just do not see him so often....Do not attempt to say "You are an alcolholic" or argue with him about it... No one but the problem drinker can stop the drinking.....It cannot be done. You must stop letting him lean on you so long as he is boozing. I wish you well....
Grace + peace,
Bob, a recovered alcoholic
I
Anabox
It only took 10 days after he got back to his house of 52 years to drink himself into a falling-down drunk. He fell in the bathroom and got wedged under the toilet tank- it took 2 firefighters to get him out. He couldn’t stand or walk. Hospital kept him 2 weeks! He started withdrawal from alcohol after 2.5 days- took him 3 full days to detox with medical supervision. He was angry the whole time. They put him on ridpiridone,,, aricept... and said he can’t live alone without someone monitoring him. Presto! Problem solved!
i hate to say it but sometimes it takes a near tragedy to shake some sense into what we see as the obvious.
Let dad live his life until the inevitable fall.... and subsequent hospital stay....THEN you can share all your concerns with the doctors! Then you implement the solution that works best for your sanity, and you can blame it on “doctors orders!” I wish you well!
Let him fail. You can talk to him and visit/go less and get just as much cooperation out of him. Make him earn your time by putting in exercise and effort. If he won't play by nice person rules, then he can play by himself. My mthr chose to not speak to me instead of treating me as nice as she did strangers at Walmart, and it was to my benefit those 8 years. We did rescue her once she hit true bottom and Adult Protective Services called us. Set your boundaries to protect you and your family and respect those more than you respect the booze talking.