How can I deal with resentment of my Mom with dementia?

There is an old song 'the old grey mare ... she ain't what she used to be...' - however 'mare' can also be 'mere' which is French for mother - this was a favourite of my mom's & I always looked back on it when her dementia took over because my 'old grey mere' really wasn't what she used to be -

I believe that we pre-mourn our loved ones with dementia - it is the opposite of seeing when a child grows up & reaches each milestone whereas with dementia it is the removal of those same milestones that we mourn - when they need depends, when they need help to dress, when they need help to eat .... all are reverse milestones & we mourn that loss with each one repeatedly

I found it good to look at old pix of her when she was vibrant not as she was towards the end of her life - the gleam in her eye when she was 21 or the smile when she finally graduated university at 47 are all the pix you want to be in your mind's eye not the sickly person who needed help 24/7 - you will adjust if you can go beyond her recent time to her 'best' time for her - good luck in the future & a hug for when you need it

I’m in total agreement. My mother raised four children on her on with no help from any government agency or any child support. Her strength and personality were uppermost in her daily life. I have to assist in her personal cleanliness by being right there in the bathroom and literally telling her step by step what to do. I had a difficult time in the beginning telling her she smelled but I don’t now. She is my child that has to be shown literally everything! Patience is not easy as I have so many to do things and I feel like I’m always late and never get anything done. That’s when I have to challenge my thoughts and say,”is that the truth?” The answer is no it isn’t. Guilt has a way of creeping into my life constantly and again I challenge the thought. I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got, just me. Never let your thoughts take you to a place of doubt and resentment, it’s exactly what works against us. I try to think of what my mother went through with us four kids. I’m sure she had guilt over a lot of her decisions and resentments of never having time for herself or even money to buy a new pair of shoes. But we made it and so did she. I’m going to make it and so are you, we have been chosen to help our parent because WE ARE AS SPECIAL AS THEY ARE!! You can do it, even in bad times, believe in your purpose for just today, let tomorrow take care of itself. If you must beat yourself up use a feather, it’ll make you laugh and goodness knows sure need that. Hope I’ve helped you, make a great day🤗

I feel for you. I really do. Sadly, the old mom is now much changed, BUT she is still your mother. You're doing everything humanly possible to help her. You are not God, but a mere mortal and a wonderful one at that. Prayers sent to you.

Thank you Debstimetolive <3

I miss mine too. We traveled and spent time together, talked and laughed. Now her mind wanders, her filters are gone and she says whatever occurs to her. It's difficult to carry on a conversation with her since she is easily distracted. She makes statements for which there is no reply. Sigh.

my advice is to not focus on the loss of your mother but on remembering your time together. No illness can take that away.

I know how you feel, my dad is verbally abusive and I try my very best to stay calm. I find it hard not to react. I pray to God that my dad suffering will end. May Almighty God continue to bless you and all of us each and everyday. I will be praying for you.

My mother is the same way. She still has her sense of humor but sees all kinds of stuff that no one else sees. When I tell her about something, most of the time she acts like she only understands about 50 percent. I just try to pay attention to the few things during the day that still seem like her - and I know this sounds crazy, but I take a homeopathic flower remedy that is called - wait for it - Impatients. I does help some, don't ask me how. Patience has never been my strong point, but I'm better than I used to be. I do deal with anticipatory grief about my parents. Keep meaning to see a counselor, but the question is - when do I have the time.

I miss mine too. Feeling exactly like you and not wanting to express it outloud. My Mom was my road buddy and business assistant. Now shes lost in this Dementia that has taken her over. I'm asking God for patience continuously! I feel your pain.... But, I know, what I'm giving back to her is the least I can do for the life she gifted or should I say granted me. It could be worst...She could have made a different decision for her life... which would have effected mine. I'm grateful and sad at the same time. To see this beautiful feisty little half pint woman wither away before my eyes... Time is so precious. Live, Love and Laugh as much as you can my Sister in Christ.. One day we will be old and our life will change too. I pray that our family will give us the same unconditiional love that we have provided to our parents. I've stopped asking "Why Me"?
LOVE and Be Well!

Sounds like you are grieving the loss of the "mom" you knew and loved. The woman you care for barely resembles her. It is OK to mourn the "loss" of her even when she is still alive. Maybe going to a grief group at church or in the community will help. Meanwhile, consider getting some help so you get a break from caring for her.

hi Misseverything. I'm in tears with your post because I feel the same about my mom. Unfortunately mine goes a little deeper as my mom watched my sister and I get abused mentally and physically by our dad. And didn't do anything to stop him. most likely out of fear herself, she has always said she didn't know about the sexual abuse but I wonder how she could not, as there were many signs. So all that said and I apologize for anyone that might trigger or offend, I have blocked most of my childhood but from what I can recall my mom never told us she loved us, never hugged us as she hasn't her grandkids or great grandkids either unless they say it first. When my daughter (moms first grandchild) was a toddler I would say go give grandma a hug and say I love you, my mom would hug her but it took years for her to say she loved her back. My Grandparents didn't say it or give hugs. So I can't say I miss my cool beautiful mother. I miss the mother that I had normal conversations with and that I took on vacations and to stores etc. I've tried so very hard to try and touch her, or put my arm around her, say I love you. It's just not there for me to want to as sad and horrible as that sounds. For the first few months I did once in awhile but since she's worse and calls me names and wants to argue constantly and smells from fighting me about showers, and wears me out from having to yell for her to hear the same repeated questions/answers over and over and over (because she won't wear her hearing aids) or that I don't want half of her food but thank you, but saves it for me anyways, it's harder to try and be close to her. I hold her elbow when I'm walking her to the car, I pat her on the legs when I tuck her in bed, I put ointment on her neck and legs where she hurts, I get her all her needs day and night and ask if she needs anything all day long, and at night but that's about it. There's no hugs or love felt sadly. So I understand how you feel. I am sorry we both and all on here are going through similar situations. Dementia is the devils son. Prayers and best wishes and hugs to you

There is a song out there...I think Trace Atkins sings it.."You're gonna miss this".  My mother passed almost three years ago from dementia.  I, too, felt that the same as you for a long time.  Then I just had to keep telling myself..'this isn't mom.  It's the disease'.  What I wouldn't give to have one of those times when she is telling me about the babies she gave birth to that morning, or asking when the boat will be here because she sold apples in the morning so we would have extra money.  Count your blessings..one at a time..to go with each number as you count to 10.  Take a deep breathe..and remember..it's not your mom.

The anger and resentment I have is palpable, so I get where you're coming from.
I pray for kindness, understanding and patience, but it still eludes me.
Mom is not the same person and I feel just like you do...that I am just going through the motions to take care of her immediate needs.  I keep telling myself that even though she has gotten lost or trapped in her own mind, she NEEDS me to make sure she is ok until God decides to take her.  It is a task and most times not a pleasant one, but our moms still NEED us and they know they can rely on us no matter how bad it gets.  Looking at it from that standpoint helps me...maybe it will help you too.

I understand, I feel resentment and I know it isn't right to feel this wat, I hate this disease and how it has taken my mommy from me

I pray every night that my poor Mother dies in her sleep. She was a high school math teacher who could do calculus in her head. Now she does not know even what 2+2 means, never mind knowing the answer. Dementia is a total thief of anything "normal". My mother falls on her face a lot because she does not know that she is supposed to put her hands out to stop the fall. Memory Care doctor got her one-on-one physical therapy to stop the falling and it has been six months since the last fall. I keep telling myself that is NOT my Mother, because Alzheimer's has robbed her of any common sense. My aunt called me and said my Mother will not talk to her on the phone anymore, but my Aunt does not realize my Mother does not know what she is supposed to do with the phone. Memory Care told me my Mother has to be prompted to eat. Basic life skills are gone. I really pray that she dies soon because she is just wasting away. I feel guilty about this and try to remember the good times. I like this forum because it makes me know there are other loving daughters in the same miserable boat. GOD BLESS and pray for peace.

I don’t have a good answer. I just want to give you a giant hug! I’m so sorry. You are entitled to grieve for the mom that you knew and obviously love so very much.

She isn’t the same person and it’s okay to acknowledge that you miss who she was. I suppose the next step is acceptance. This is incredibly hard to do. How can it not be?

Others who have experienced your dilemma will understand your situation. My mom has Parkinson’s without dementia. I think dementia or ALZ has to be worse.

Again, I am truly sorry that you are suffering. I imagine that this is an ongoing struggle that doesn’t get any better because there is no cure. Watching the cognitive decline of someone special to us is tragic.

I did see my godmother decline with ALZ and it was hard but that isn’t anywhere near as hard as you have it.

Just do the best you can , your mother is fortunate to have you. My mother will ask me the same simple questions repeatedly so I got her an Alexa and now when she asks the time or date easy questions, I just tell her to ask Alexa. I find a regular routine helps ,I use tv programs to help her remember the time and when we're supposed to do things, she will hallucinate children around and instead of disagreeing I just tell her they smell your food they're hungry and occasionally she will feed them. I've learned disagreeing gets me nowhere. I place a pretty bib and no spill cups , I vacumn her room everyday, food ends up on floor , or on her, so I usually end up feeding her, but some finger foods I let her eat, her dexterity and vision are diminishing. Everyday is different, I never know if it will be a good day or bad, so I've learned to " go with the flow" . We have a day out once a week adventure, groceries , mall Amish market ,anywhere out. My mom is 94 and she's had occasional bouts of dementia but since June has gone full blown where we had to place her on medication. It's been an experience it's only been 5 months buts it's felt like years! Good luck don't be so hard on yourself many caregivers do feel guilty, it's the disease nothing to do with you .Bless you! As for the hygiene I would explain the doctor has a medication for your skin that must be placed after a bath,use a fragrant lotion.

This sounds like my SO. I also carry that chip, and STILL try to reason-haha, that's on me! so I understand. I find that leaving him to his own devices and checking in with camera helps. I do not love him, I do not care about him. Well maybe a little but not who he is. But he is still human. He can feed and dress himself sort of, but is forgetful and often makes no sense and makes LOTS of messes. I have reached the point of not caring. Numb. I mean I care and I am here if he needs help. There are good days albeit very rare. Mostly I try to give myself distance and space with the comfort of a camera and intercom. He refused a NH or ALF. I have had to SCREAM at VA doctors to get in home help. I get it in pieces and bits, but have learned to just shut my bedroom door and sleep in when I know they are coming. No putting on aires here...he's in THAT room, have fun.

You have to step away. Leave it to the pros, save yourself as best you can. Or if she is agreeable, make the hard choice of a NH or ALF.

Your cool mom is still with you, and always will be. The mind is dead or being eaten away now, the body will be eventually, but you will always have your cool mom in your heart. If there is a blessing in dementia, they really, further into the illness, have no real realizations of who they used to be.

And if you are still dead set on putting your 99% in daily, binge watch Teepa Snow Videos on youtube!!

My wife's mom has dementia. Unlike others, she can still feed and dress herself, showers, and overall gets by. However, she is legally blind and very needy. She is unable to pay bills or even order a pizza for herself because she will get the address wrong or the credit card number wrong - even though we have written it all down for her - because she often just cannot speak. Her written language is nonsense and her speech is only somewhat better.

However, one factor which I have not seen in these answers is that my wife does not have a good relationship with her mother. She never did. She cannot reflect on the "good years" and how her "sweet mom" is now disabled. In fact, her mom's anger and acting like a petulant child ("I need you to come over here and help me place this order NOW") just ignites all sorts of bad memories. She has no good times to fall back on. She tells me: "I realize my mom has been like this since I was a child and I was just a naive child trying to do good by her even though it was abusive. Now that she has dementia it is even worse." So, for my wife, taking care of her mom is like bringing back a flood of bad memories and sometimes she thinks it is karma coming back.

I am caught between because it is not my mom and I do not have that history with her. I think she's difficult but my wife says I don't understand because it is not my buttons being pushed. So what do you say to someone who never had that "cool beautiful Mother" to begin with but is now faced with the decision to care for her or else put her into a home against her will where she will probably die - possibly kill herself as she says she is hoarding pills from us for the occasion? You would think doctors, social workers, or even lawyers would help but so far they really haven't. It's all up to us unless she becomes a ward of the state.

I was feeling so overwhelmed for a while as my mom has advanced dementia, TIA's and frequent UTI's.  I then have reevaluted my life and instead of being in a bad mood, I try my best to think: this is my life now, taking care of my mother who was always here for me no matter what!  I am taking advantage of a program that will have a worker come over 2 times a week for a few hours each day and gives me a break for awhile and time to do necessary things like grocery shopping.
Don't try to reason with her if you don't think you can.  Just try to ignore it unless she makes a big deal of it. Try to change the subject. I too, miss my mom so much. She didn't want dementia just like we would never want it.  She doesn't want you to suffer.  If she ever could realize what was going on I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be suffering.  Try to take one day at a time and don't think about the next day.  Things can change very fast and if anything did happen, you would want to feel you did what you could to help your mom who i'm sure loves you very much.  Try to see if you can get any help at all with govermental assistance.  The one I have only needs to know what my mom gets from social security.  If you can get any help at all, try to take it so you can have a little time for yourself.  My mom has gotten worse lately and there have been previous times when she would want me to just sit with her and watch tv but I would mostly have something else to do.  Now while I have the time, I'm trying to sit with her and watch tv a little.  There are other things you can do together like make a puzzle with the big pieces.  Amazon has some things you can order for people with dementia for them to get involved with.  I'm trying to be able to look at the site.  Guilt is bad, I have had it.  But how much more would it be to have piece of mind and know you did your very best?  This is not going to last forever for you or for me.  Remember to take a day at a time and do your best.  Remember the beautiful mother you had.  She is still there.  She is still beautiful but in a different way.  She is suffering herself and she didn't want this!!  At least she can still enjoy some food and drink.  There may come a time soon when she won't want to eat.  Remember your mom loves you.  You are maybe beautiful to her. Don't try to reason with her as you can't reason with a child.  Change the subject, offer her something to eat, something to do with you, send her a card or write one out and leave it at the table where she sits and remind her of your love for her.  My mom loves cards I have given her and she keeps looking and looking at them. I usually throw it away as I can't stand to see her looking at it as it's the first time she's seeing it.  They can't  help it!  They are sick. They are hurting too but in a different way.  I'm going through much now and prayer is very important. Hold her hand at times if you can.  Remember you will not change overnight but with a little effort I think thinks can get better.  There are still times I wish things were not this way, I would guess every day!!  But as things are not in my control, I can only do what I can control.  My best to you and you Mom.

Dementia is horrific. Your mom is gone and some stranger is left behind.

I do not blame you one bit for feeling resentful. And for not being able to muster up the patience to deal with her. Oh, the being hard of hearing is mind numbing too! It's, IMHO, very boring dealing with a person like this. You can not have a conversation and have to deal with all kinds of bizarre situations. Who signs up for something like this??

You MUST get some help and some respite care! You're burnt out and that's really bad for both of you.

Unless you can get enough help at home, I would look into having her placed somewhere. She is not your mom anymore. She is a sad and broken shell of the person she used to be. Part of what you're feeling is probably grief for what you have lost.

Since your mom is so far gone, I guess it to be quite unlikely that she realizes how hard this is on you, etc. So as long as you are providing for her basic needs, I do not think you need to indulge in feeling guilty. What you're doing is impossible!

Be kind to yourself.

I also try to remember all the years she devoted to my constant care. I just wish I could put her on my hip and go about my life .

My mom isn’t that far along, but I try to picture after she’s gone and although I will be relieved, I will know I was good to her away. I look at her and see myself in my golden years and pray I don’t spend them spending all my time doing this.

Omg you are living my life except she stopped eating or drinking without constant reminders or feeding. She's an incontinent un speaking zombie who still walks. I'm invisible to her. Her only though is to get out. Will move or walk over anything in her way to try to open a door. Only other movement is to try to get back into bed. I have constant annoyance, resentment, anger, impatience. I don't cry I shout and I think I'm getting an ulcer from the stress of doing everything alone. My sister is putting her in a facility in 2 months and thinks it will all be fine. I'm the one who dealt with the awful financial situation due to my brother stealing everything and daily read up on the disease. My sister does not understand what I've been through nor does she know what's ahead for her. I've tried all the positive mind set but I still cannot justify/accept her behavior, how she got I to this situation or control my anger. Sorry for what you are going through. I think your reaction is completly normal and those care givers with more understanding and patience are way better people than I am.

You're walking around like a robot and ignoring her as much as possible...sounds like you're really burned out. Consider memory care?

The biggest step in being able to deal with "dementia mom" has to occur within your own mindset. If your mother had been in an auto accident and lost both her legs below the knees, would you be mad at her for not being able to easily walk anymore? Would you resent the active Mom wasn't around anymore? Be mad because she asked your help to get out of a chair? Dementia means your mother's brain is broken. In some ways it still works but it fails partially or completely in others. Personality changes are present in almost all dementia patients. Vascular dementia changed my father's personality so much he would scream about how much he hated me, wanted me gone, and even hoped I died before he did in very vulgar detail; absolutely nothing like the man who raised me. Eventually I was able to separate "my dad" from "dementia dad" in my mind and heart; they were two different people. Dementia dad was a shell with my dad's voice, but not his words, values, or personality. I didn't like dementia dad but sometimes when I spent time with dementia dad, my dad would make a brief appearance.

Grieve for real mom, because she is nearly as gone as if her physical body had already died. Don't feel guilty about disliking dementia mom, but realize real mom didn't choose to become dementia mom. I cannot explain how exactly, but I was able to tolerate dementia dad into the mid to advanced transition stages on a daily basis by concentrating on the "he didn't choose this" and "he needs my help". Later in the advanced stage, the emotional cost was higher than I could bear and I only visited for a couple of hours once a week after he was placed in MC.

You may be able to establish a new relationship with dementia mom, at least for a while. Maybe looking at old photographs and while Mom tells you about the people and places in them. Sing-a-longs with hymns or other songs you enjoyed together during your childhood? Having her back scratched or lotions applied? Combing her hair?

Leaving mom alone in her room too much may actually make her more aggressive tendencies worse. Consider an adult day care or bringing her into the kitchen or living room while you read or watch television (older shows watched during their adult-hoods seem to work best). Often you do not need to interact with your LO all that much just share the space.

You also need to find some methods of reducing or relieving your stress - quick ones and some with longer timeframes. Drinking a cup of coffee while you enjoy the view or peace of a deck or porch. Taking a walk around the house/yard or the block. Deep breathing or a soaking bath. Time off duty during adult day care, in home care hours or a relative giving you a break, even a respite week at a local MC. When you are less stressed, it is easier to tolerate dementia mom.

BTW: When she says the craziest thing ever, "That's nice" and "Really?" are completely appropriate responses!

I don't think there is any real way to deal with the resentment that goes hand in hand with caring for a mother with dementia, especially when you live with her. If you get her placed into a Memory Care community, you can get rid of the chip on your shoulder, but if you're like most who post here, it would be replaced with 'guilt' instead. My mother lives in Memory Care, where she's well cared for, well fed, has plenty of activities to participate in, and I suffer no guilt as a result. I visit her weekly & my husband and I take her out to dinner so she can eat to her hearts content, which makes her happy. I also take her lots of snacks and treats to keep in her room, because she loves to eat. The resentment is kept to a minimum this way as we each have our own lives.

Just something for you to consider; even if you don't wind up getting her into Memory Care, just knowing the OPTION exists can sometimes help with resentment.

Best of luck

I think the hardest thing is to adjust to the switch of not being the adult child who looks to Mom for guidance and love, rather to become the one who knows and who is able and strong. I watched my sister-in-law with my mom and the other ladies at assisted living a while ago. I took some mental notes on how to contact them in their confused minds. She sang to them, danced for them, and got one of them up to dance with her while singing songs they all knew. Of course you can't do this sort of thing every day, but maybe once in a while see if your mom will respond to music or drawing if only to make it more fun for you. Also, it helps me to go right into the crazy things my mom says and add my own crazy to her stories. But I think being smelly would bother me as well. Can you get some help to keep her cleaner?

Oh how I feel for you!

You lose your proper mother and you get this nutsoid mannequin instead, and she smells, and she constantly needs things from you, and every time she falls or she cries or she turns a peculiar colour it is ALL YOUR FAULT. You've got grief, loss, guilt, stress and resentment all rolled into one, and you didn't volunteer, and it isn't fair.

Two different perspectives to try:

1. If she weren't your mother, if she were some other equally helpless little old lady who you had to take responsibility for - never mind why - for, say, the next two years, how would you want to treat her?

2. If someone else were being you and taking care of your mother, how would you want that person to behave around her?

It was the falls risk that turned me into a screeching harridan. Mother had a call button. Every time you explained that she must press it before getting up from her chair, she would solemnly nod and agree and promise for next time. Then you'd turn your back and she'd be off on her travels, tottering along to the bathroom and bouncing off the walls. Cue self leaping up and down and tearing hair and shrieking "WHY - ?" and explaining all over again; and mother had one response "oh, I didn't want to bother you."

The penny half dropped when I realised that, no, she didn't want ME bothering HER.

And then fully dropped when I realised that she did not in fact use her call button because the mental process involved was beyond her. She didn't because she couldn't.

Anyway, that's quite enough from me - are you getting any respite at all? When did you last have a decent night's sleep and some time to yourself and an ordinary social conversation with a non-demented adult?

Accepting that a much-loved parent has become how you describe your mother as being is just about impossible. Please don’t punish yourself if you cannot do it. I never did and I am still resentful of what happened to my own mother and she’s been gone for 3 years. Every so often, a ray of sunshine will come through my dark thoughts about her and I will remember something wonderful or kind she did. It brings me some peace. But, like you, I tend to dwell on the times I visited her and she went on and on (graphically) about sex or was in a nasty mood or a space cadet. It helped a lot when people on this forum told me her “brain was broken” and she was not the person she was. She could not help the things she said or did. And if her former self could look at herself now, she’d be devastated and mortified by what she’d become. It helped me find some compassion. We are not prepared to handle this stuff and we shouldn’t punish ourselves because of that.

If there is any help available to you, take advantage of it, whether it’s help through her insurance, your church, your family, friends or community. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask about what’s offered to you. Good luck. I understand exactly how you feel.

No real answers......I also hate that my mom has dementia and I have become her 24/7 help. I try to take breaks as often as possible, look for happiness and joy somewhere else and deal with mom. I find solace in humor, watch Seth Myers...Trevor Noah..etc. I try to exercise & work p/time (am terrified I have to stop working to care for mom..). Now winter is coming here in the northeast, I cannot even take mom out for walks.....

Take comfort that you are not alone and vent away here...