My husband and I are without family except for our daughter who is 41 yrs old. She has estranged herself from us. We are really nice people, really we are. We were not abusive to her in any way, but she says she is done with us. We are 72 and 85. Husband has been unwell most of 2020. I told her in a letter that we could use some moral support and I told her how old we are. She replied that she knows how old we are. That I was trying to make her feel guilty. No word from her since then. She has blocked us on social media and the phone. We are not asking her to come to our town and take care of us. All I ask is a Christmas card and mothers/fathers day card. Maybe she could call us and inquire how we are faring during the virus, but nothing from her... Do you think there is any hope here with her? What should I do about this matter?
PS she is a professional in the health field.
My husband Is 72 and also sick. I do miss her, but I have found that when she is with me her selfishness sucks the life out of me and I just can’t take it any more.
Why has your daughter said she is done with you?
Even if you still think you did no wrong, write a letter of apology anyway. Someone has to extend the olive branch. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you would like to be able to talk with her on the phone and for her to visit whenever possible. Tell her you love her and end the letter. Do it a couple of times and see if she will respond.
Be very careful when you say I am sorry - Many people who say it while not really believing they did anything wrong will say: " I am sorry you took what I said that way, BUT..." --That is not an apology and actually just reinforces the thing you originally said that made someone mad. An apology is: "I am sorry, PERIOD. I hope you can forgive me.
None of us have the real history for you as to why a daughter walks away, no contact, and says she is done, however there is always hope. Continue to write and make an attempt from your side. If she ever comes round, leave the issue in the past and do not rehash again. It is sad when family cannot be family.
So here’s my take...but at first a it’ll e back story.
My brother was “the golden child” from the day he entered this world. Handsome, articulate with the family and financial opportunity behind him to be literally ANYTHING he wanted to be. My mother, and to a lesser degree, my father, were there for him at ever twist and turn in my brother’s life. Which includes never letting him hit rock bottom, wiring him money when he needed it, etc, etc. His thanks? When my mother had a massive stroke in 2000, he had the gaul to say that she was “dead to him” and for 3 years before her death, and towards the end when she had declined and family members asked that he come visit, he didn’t. And then comes my father’s turn. Only this time, my brother didn’t come home for 8 years. But he did call. To ask to borrow money and tell my father, then in his 90s, about his own health woes.
So what does that have to do with your story? Maybe your daughter simply can’t be bothered with you. She knows you’re not getting any younger and she doesn’t want the responsibility or stress to be respond or you (though you may have always been there for her). And maybe she already feels a little guilty which is why she said you’re trying to guilt her.
So in my humble opinion, you can keep investing in your relationship and write to her, potentially to no avail. Or realize that you need to come up with a plan for you and your husband when you do need some permanent help. And change your will. If she wants no contact with you, then no contact it is.
Have you been, either implicitly or overtly, expecting her to take care of you in your decline because "she's a professional in the health field"? If so, that's totally not fair to her.
I always feel bad for those in the nursing profession. A doctor, by their very own code of ethics, are not allowed to render medical help to a family member, unless it's an emergency. Nurses, however, dont get that same consideration. If she has told you in no uncertain that she will not be responsible for your caregiving and you have been insistent because that's how she earns her living and you figure since that's how she makes her money she should do the same for family for free, that might be why she has cut you off.
Focus on other resources and people for social contact and support. If you and your husband have no social interaction besides each other, have your PCP or your insurance plan or your church or your Area Agency on Aging help you arrange a "Wellness Check" schedule. churches often have a Stephen Ministry that can keep in contact with people who need that support.
During COVID restrictions, many Medical Systems and social services have people making phone calls to isolated seniors to check on their well being.
Take your own steps to build needed help and contacts. Don't rely on your daughter for support or even contact. Go on with your lives on your own.
I know there are often many sides to any story--my mother would maintain the charade that she was a perfect mother, our family was perfect, everyone who meets her adores her---on and on.
Truthfully--she has been completely self absorbed all her life. She has 6 kids, 5 still living and trying to get any of us to 'want' to spend time with her is like pulling teeth.
I honestly went above and beyond in trying to be the loving daughter despite so many family issues---my 'aha' moment came when I was dxed with cancer a year ago. I told her about it and her reply was " well, daddy will be glad to see to see you. You always were his favorite." (daddy's been gone 16 years)
Who the heck says that to someone who has just been handed a possible death sentence? I didn't reply to her, just left and put my energies into chemotherapy and the hell that it is. She did not call me, nor reach out to me in any way shape or form for 9 months. We live >2 miles apart.
She felt perfectly fine about not being there for me. when I had finished chemo, but was still really sick, I went and saw her. Her response upon seeing me "Oh, so you lived, huh? You look horrible".
The 'story' I heard from her 'friends' was that she was worried sick about me the whole time.
It wasn't ABOUT her, so she ignored me.
That's the last time I give her tacit approval to hurt me.
Look deep inside your relationship with your daughter. I'm not saying you're bad people, I just think a little self introspection is always good.
And maybe, you'll just have to accept her choice to not be a part of your life. I am sorry--I really wish it were different for me & my mother, but she's 90 and not likely to change at this late date.
I have a drama queen twisted sissy. She is out of my life, the drama and tears I just refuse to tolerate. It was always oh poor me about whatever from her. I do not need her added stress or histrionics.
- you hit a trigger with her - she feels you are shaming her and making her feel guilt and doesn't like that- you want her to care without being coerced into it-
I would try - start by calling and leaving brief, upbeat messages - so she doesn't sense ulterior motives other than just touching base-
HI- just thinking about you and wanted to say hello -hope things are going well I'll try you again soon-
or let her know what you have been up to - find some positives - so she doesn't dread talking to you ---- ( I'm not saying she does)
You do what you would like her to do in return (modelling) and she might come around
Focus on what you do - you are being a positive figure in her life and keeping the olive branch out there!
I don't know why or what happened in HER life to make her block you out and refuse to acknowledge your existence, and neither, apparently, do you. If this were one of my children displaying this type of behavior towards me, I'd do my utmost to find out precisely WHY. I'd try with all my heart to honestly understand where things went south and to make amends for whatever I'd done to create such a problem.
Because, in the end, we have to put our egos aside and admit when we are wrong. Even if we aren't wrong, we have to be big enough to admit that we did SOMETHING to alienate a child that we love with all of our heart. I think that is your only hope here............to make yourself vulnerable with your daughter and ask her how you can fix this broken relationship. Be open, first and foremost, and don't be on the defensive with her. HEAR what she has to say and then ask yourself if there's any truth to it. And then figure what you have to say and do to mend this broken fence with your child; what SHE would like to see from you to begin the journey towards friendship with her.
Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a hug and a prayer that it all works out well.
First post: I am overjoyed to read your response containing God. My responses are usually secular in nature but I truly believe that everything should begin and end with and because of God. Remember that God did not say He would take away our problems or sufferings. God did promise to help us through it. Everyone should put their faith in God, rely on Him, and praise and thank God daily. If things get too hard to handle, trade your yoke with Jesus for His is light and He will give you rest.
Second post: Tell your daughter that you do not reward bad behavior. Say that because of her total lack of communication and concern she will be taken out of your will. The imminent loss of money and things tends to make people more attentive. Good Luck.
Yikes!
Stop trying and pray for God to soften her heart towards u.
♥️🙏🏾♥️🙏🏾♥️🙏🏾♥️
Sometimes we hurt people and don't realize it. Your daughter did not cut you and your husband out of her life for no reason. She may be hiding something from you and she cut you out of her life because she is scared that you won't except it or you may reject her.
If I was you I would write her a letter saying, "I am sorry if I ever hurt you or did something to make you feel the way you do. If you ever want to talk I am here ready to listen. I will always love you no matter what. Love Mom."
Send it and leave it at that. This way she knows how you feel and if she does have any bad feelings she may (in time) feel safe enough to call you and tell you what is going on. All you can do is open the door and pray that she walks through it.
Good Luck!
I'm pretty sure most people know how old their folks are, give or take little.
You asked for moral support. Maybe she has none to give. Being a health professional in the greatest world pandemic for 100 years, maybe she needs moral support too!
Hard as it is, look for support in other directions & hope others are supporting your daughter - so she can assist in this crises.
2. Maybe it’s your husband not you.
3. Be honest with yourself, what do you really expect of her?
As someone else mentioned, your daughter knows how old you are. Was there a specific reason you chose to mention your age? 100% of the time my FIL brings up his age to us, it is for some self serving reason, generally guilt. He also uses it with strangers to get them to feel sorry for him or give him something. It is his go to when say a phone company wants to raise his rates...suddenly his voice changes and he sounds downright pitiful and he invokes the age and that he is disabled.
Yes, he is 86, which considering his health is somewhat of a miracle. And yes, he is disabled. But those are the cards he plays when he isn't getting what he wants and needs an angle.
I'm not saying this is what you have done. Just that it can easily be interpreted that way, especially by someone close to you who may see it or hear it frequently.
Again, maybe look closely at your word choices and your own motivations in those word choices. Maybe you chose to say things that to you felt like natural conversation but could easily be interpreted as manipulation by someone else. Put yourself in her shoes and look at it from a different lens.
I was very sad to read your letter!
I would like to tell you about a support group on Facebook, that is just for that very situation I know the founders, personally, and they were estranged by two of their children over a misunderstanding. One of those children has gone back to having a relationship with them, so they are very empathetic and tender-hearted, loving people.
They have over 400 people in their group, from all over the world. As she put it, "Estrangement has become quite an epidemic." I told my friend about you, so she will be praying for you (as I will), and looks forward to hearing from you.
It is a closed group, but you may request permission to join. Type in the search bar in Facebook, for "You are not Alone".
I wish the very best for you, your husband, and your daughter. Keep loving her, and keep praying for her.