How can I go on with my narcissistic 91-year-old mother?

Hi!! Although I myself don't deal with abusive parents/people, I feel for anyone who's going through this!!

They'll ruin your day - they don't care - actually in a sense, they do care, in the sense that they (often) intentionally want to ruin your day.

BE AWARE:
It's not an accident.

And if you're having an especially happy, festive day -- watch out.

My compassion to anyone who deals with abusive people.
Find a way to protect your happiness.

Here I Am

I would say it's not her but possibly a disease, BUT you said she's been doing this your entire life.
Therefore it sounds like she's just a cranky nasty person.
You are an adult now, stand up to her.
You're not a child who would have to rely on her for your basic needs.
She sounds like she's nothing but a bully.
Your not living, it doesn't even sound like you're existing staying in a small room.
Be blunt & tell her to knock it off, set your ground rules, let her cook her own meals.
Doesn't sound like she can't care for herself.
My Dad's a wonderful person who has been a great Dad my entire life, he thanks me all the time.
But he went through a period where he got a little nasty & hurtful.
I let it go at first thinking he's tired, hurt, frustrated & scared.
When he did it a few times more, I told him "he'd better be nice to me because I was the only one he had to take care of him & I wasn't going to put up with that crap"
He went back to being his normal sweet self.
NO ONE, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE, HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU LIKE THAT!!!!!
Do not enable her!!!
For him

It seems lou got in this situation for perhaps financial reasons: she needed care, so it seemed like an ok idea. You can get yourself out, but you first need to stop acting like a victim. You might start by setting boundaries & sticking to them. Do you or your husband work? Could you 2 live on your own? What would happen to your mother? That's the bigger issue. Have you looked for services for her?

I know it's hard to live with a difficult person. My mom lied, too - she told her health providers that I was making it dangerous for her to live in my house. They knew it wasn't true & told me it's common with people who feel frightened at what's happening to them. But the only person you can change is you. If you can't get out of the situation because of financial reasons, try to make the best of it for yourself. Make a plan. Set boundaries. Stick to them. You don't have to yell or scream at her. You don't have to be nasty. But you do have to be firm. It *is* a learning process, & you have to put in the work. But you'll be better in the long run, and I'd like to think that becoming the best person you can be is one of your goals.
Good luck!

I agree with some of the answers but not all .. No one can treat anyone else poorly unless they are allowed to . That might mean standing in from of a mirror and take a good hard look at what you see. If you decide the person looking back at you does not deserve the way they are being treated , do something about it . Next , you might have to take a hard look at your mom . It seems to me that she is sick . With everything else you shared , it sounds like she also has dementia/ Alzheimers . You did not cause that or any other of her other issues. Meaning you also can NOT cure it . She is who she is and you could scream and be nasty, but in her reality the ability is not there to think any different than what she already does. That would be a tremendous waste of time and energy .
There are great CareTakers meeting and the Alzheimers association offers great resources. There is help out there but only YOU can get the ball rolling . There are agencies that can help with your mom. Most areas have local Councils on aging . There is no shame in taking care of your self and your husband and also find ways to keep mom safe.

Nightwind: Welcome to the forum. This is an intolerable situation. You cannot nor should not take the acrimony and verbal attacks from your mother because she is a narcissist. That is appalling that "she has the master," your husband sleeps on the couch and that you spend all of your time in the small bedroom (other than your cooking 'chore' for her.) Wherin lies the time for the marriage? My heavens! Whose idea was this? This dynamic must be amended immediately. I am concerned when you posed the question "how can I go on?" You and your husband must amend this dynamic, e.g. find a small apartment.

It's past time to look into a nursing home or assisted living for her. If she gets financial assistance from the government, that could help with her upkeep.
Your mom might even enjoy being around people her own age, and you'll be able to have peace of mind while getting your life back.

Colleen

I would give her an ultimatum: straighten up or get out. If she has not paid you to take care of her, your back wages should cover the cost of the trailer. Either that or get out and do not look back.

10 tactics to put a narcissist in their place on youtube helped me out a lot

Sounds like she has Alzheimer’s or some sort of dementia. Bad traits often get worse with this illness.they imaging things but they are real in their heads.

Detach emotionally from her and grieve for the parent you wish you had and never got.

shes 91 she can’t really do anything. You have been conditioned to respond in a certain way since you were very young. Time to be brave, remember she can’t do anything to you. If she attacks you call the police and have her sectioned. You have more power than you think

your elderly mother may hold a few purse strings but she needs you more than you need her and that feeling of hopelessness for a toxic narcissist is frightening and infuriating.

This is so ugly, I feel like vomiting. This woman is a pure demonic monster and I don't give a darn how old she is or what is wrong with her or if she has dementia. She is a beast and you must totally and permanently separate yourself from her. You don't need to love her - for what? She does not deserve one drop of love or anything nice. I don't care who paid for the trailer - that does NOT give her the right to be a devil. Either remove her at once and find a way to place her (Medicaid can help and there are other ways this can be done - and it is what I would recommend). Or hire a full time caretaker and let her pay the bills. Or you move out. Immediately read the riot act to her to stop her in her tracks. One instance of bad behavior and she is GONE ON HER OWN. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND WALK AWAY. Remember this, what you sow is what you reap and this is what she has sowed and reaped. Walk away and don't look back, ever....and I think your sister should walk too - now.

Start looking for a small apartment. Perhaps Social Services can help you with that. Also ask a social worker for recommendations for you mom. Find some legal services to help you figure this out.

As a compassionate person it would hurt to "leave" even a savage and helpless 91 year old dog but you must.

Researching the net I found that only a mental health professional can determine if someone has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I also researched what exactly are the symptoms of narcissism -
"People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others".
There was lots more information. Very eye opening for me, but I can tell you that from that definition it would almost describe my husband who has Alzheimer's disease.
Looking back, one of the earliest indicating behaviors that my formally considerate husband had Alzheimer's disease was that he could no longer connect with the needs of others. For example, an older lady was stepping out of our car onto an icy parking lot. I had to instruct him to both open her door, something he always use to do, and to extend his hand to help steady her. On two other occasions I was standing right next to him on icy concrete, I took a step, and he just watch me hit the ground. He calmly stayed immobile. He didn't help me get up either. Like a dart I've caught him when he lost his balance. Dementia prevents logical thought. Very basic infantile self preservation is what they are reduced to. It is not on purpose.

Staying in a small room? Kiddo, it sounds to me like you are afraid of more than your mother. Get the h-ll out. Get healthy. Walk. Think. Action.

Who’s name is this home in ? You should consider detangling all this. Is your mom going to be running out of funds and need Medicaid… please see an elder attorney if this is down the road for you.

on your relationship, why is your mom in the master and your husband on the couch? .. stand up , and if this arrangement was made in exchange for rent free home, it’s time to move…

You're not going to like what i have to say... why are you CHOOSING to let mommy run the house? She's delusional and demented if what you are saying is true. If she owns the place, pack up and move! It's not rocket science. Do you and your husband work, or are you using her for a roof over your head? If the latter is the case, get off your butts and get jobs. Especially your husband! To let a frail old woman control you it's sick andscreams to me that you need to grow a backbone and get her into memory care or move out get some peace. What are you thinking letting her put you in this situation?

"She shouts, denies everything, interrupts, comes in my face, I feel terrorized like when I was a kid!"
...one thing about Narcissists is that they will never change because they are always right, and when you encounter one it's best to keep as far away as possible to keep your mental health intact (it sounds like you haven't much left at this point).
"I feel terrorized like when I was a kid!".... this message conveys that you have dealt with her abuse as a child and it's time to either get her out of the house to living elsewhere or you and your husband move away to find peace and sanity. This is complete, utter abuse and will grind you into the ground eventually. Your marriage also is being affected, and if you and your husband allow this to keep going (he's a part of your marriage relationship, and should be looking out for your well-being too!!) , it may not end well for you both.
Your bedroom is your only safe, quiet place and it's very sad that you are feeling so desperate that you have to resort to this escape mode while Mother takes up the rest of the house with her negative, abusive energy. This is not right and needs to change - yesterday!! We are all here for you.

She paid most of the home? Do you or your husband work? Then, you leave. Let her live there by herself, and if she has dementia, find a way to pay someone to come and check on her. Where is your sister? Why can't she take her?

I like what this poster said:
My narcissistic mother recently passed but, I’d not lived with her for decades. I warned her that, if her behavior kept up, she’d be down to one daughter (my sister) and I followed through on that promise.

My narcissistic step mother paid a lot so that she could control people. Turned out, she was paying with my Father's money that she was no longer even married to! We got POA for him, and got her off so she could no longer take his money without his knowing. It's about control for them. Get better employment, move out and tell her she can have the trailer. Seriously. It's hard, but do able.

A little more info needed. I was floored to learn your husband sleeps on the couch and you hide in the bedroom. I know my words seem harsh but you need to GROW UP.
Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself and your husband. This is the first thing you MUST do - take your power back! Tell her you will not be putting up with her abuse from now on - and prove it! If the trailer is in your name, you call the shots here, regardless of how much Mom has contributed. You can sell it, rent it out, or move Mom out of the master (biggest mistake you made in the first place) and into the smaller bedroom so you can be with your husband as it should be! Even if your name wasn't on the deed, what is your mother going to do if you and husband stand up to her? The answer is NOTHING - she is all talk and used to bullying because it keeps her in control. Stop this destructive cycle.
Take a united stand with your husband, make a plan with him for what you both feel are fair and reasonable changes at home, put that plan into action and don't back down. Hiding in your bedroom is not an option. I feel sure you and hubby will feel a weight lifted once you empower yourselves. You can do it!

Perhaps Just leave and find a apartment and check in On her . That is no way To live. Then go by a tiny House some where .

Practise saying: ‘don’t you ever speak to me that way again. I don’t have to put up with it and it’s NOT ok.’ Practise saying it beforehand, so you’re ready the next time she hijacks you with her abuse. Let her know very clearly that when she behaves like that you will not stay in the space and LEAVE - go somewhere for a walk, practise self care and don’t feel guilty - they are master manipulators at getting you to feel bad for reacting in normally to their abuse - gaslighting you, etc. When you leave the space this shows her you mean what you say and you’re willing to back it up with action. It gives her a choice to modify her behaviour. With a narcissist, she may not ever stop, in which case you may need to put yours and your husband’s welfare first and get OUT!

You may have to try to seek better employment in order to get out of there. Some will tell you that, as it’s your mother, you have to care for her, if she needs that, and tolerate however she treats you. That is not the advice of the psychological experts though. Your life should not be diminished or worth less, because you haven’t a narcissistic parent. Think years ahead and consider your future.

My narcissistic mother recently passed but, I’d not lived with her for decades. I warned her that, if her behavior kept up, she’d be down to one daughter (my sister) and I followed through on that promise.

It is rare for a narcissist to accept professional help. I “think”, typically by how law handles any of their misdeeds, if necessary, they are considered responsible for their behavior. This is something you should consider, on a personal level also.

If she is on the verge of dementia, it’s important to get her assessed, but yes, I understand how difficult that can be, if she is still cognizant enough to say no, all the while mistreating you. Still, as is said, you owe nothing to anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. Accepting abuse for the fact that she gave birth to you, changed your diapers, fed and clothes you is a no no. If she gave birth to you, those were her basic, accepted duties. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

If your mother is mentally competent, then you really need to find another living solution.

If this is a new behavior for her, then get her to a medical doctor. In the case of new terrible behavior, she could have an infection, low oxygenation, blood chemistry imbalance, a stroke,,,, all which can be treated medically. If she is not mentally competent - dementia, stroke, mental illness - get her treated by her doctor or take her to the ER. If the doctor says this behavior will most likely be permanent, consider having her placed into residential care. You may have to sell "her place" to help pay for her care.

Nightwind, I second lealonnie. This was not a good idea to comingle assets but as it is you still do have legal and morally ethical options.

You didn't mention dementia, so presumably mom is in her right mind legally but has taken it upon herself to become a tyrant and an abuser.

I would for decorum's sake give her one last chance. She is to move into the smaller room as you two are two people. She is to stop immediately with the yelling and abuse allegations. If she does not, then you will leave and no you won't be back to "check on her" or take her out or anything like that. If she can't or won't do that, then you leave.

Welcome to the forum Nightwind, and so sorry to hear about all of your troubles.

My advice is this: sell the trailer, give mom back the $$ she invested in it, and get her OUT of your immediate square footage. You & your husband are entitled to live in your own master bedroom and not be hiding out to avoid a tyrannical mother! Find alternate housing for yourselves AND for mother, who can live in senior housing of some kind, depending on whether she needs assistance or not.

You tried living together, it didn't work out, cut your losses and move on now.

Best of luck!