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My 82-year-old grandmother lost a son to cancer 5 years ago. She requested all life sustaining measures even when the cancer returned and metastasized to his bones and brain. His brain swelled and she even had the doctors drill a hole in his brain to drain the fluid. He went to her home on hospice where he died a day later. She recounts the story today as if it were yesterday. She still doesn't sleep and is not over his death. He was 59.


Now, my mother is at the end of life at 59, multiple medical issues including cancer, but that is not the primary issue. She listed me as medical power of attorney. The youngest child of 3 age 39 and we discussed in detail what she did and did not want years before her sickness took over. She did not want all the life-sustaining measures her brother received and she did not want her mother to watch her die and carry the burden of her death like her brother.


My grandmother now wants to be by my mom's side all night in the event she passes away and she also wants to bring her to her home on hospice. All the things my mother did not want. My grandmother is angry at me saying I am keeping things from her and isn't really speaking to me.


How do I honor my mother’s wishes and still maintain a great relationship with my grandmother?

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I have a slightly different take from Alva, but it may also be hard to hear.

Grandma sounds like she wants to be the star of the show. A reap all the "grieving mother" kudos.

Your mom saw what her brother went through when her mother was running things and arranged for THAT not to be her fate.

Please don't think about your popularity with your family; think ONLY about what your mom told you she wanted.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2022
That's good advice Barb: 'don't think about popularity with the family'. It can be hard to put that drama aside as we put the LO's best interest at the forefront of everything. It's vital though.
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You all have been so helpful! I appreciate all of your kindness and encouragement. The family meeting went well. The physicians explained everything to us all, including the POA, advanced directive and next steps. They were excellent in their commincation. One said it seems like she took care of everyone and didn't want to even burden them with having the conversation of what to do if something happened to her.

I learned some new things about the active role my mom played in caring for her brother during the end of his life. It sounded very traumatic for all involved. Mom played the role of nurse even administering his morphine.

They acknowledged that what she wanted and how she planned it sounds like something she would do because of what they all went through with her brother. They said none of them would be strong enough to make the hard decisions and she took care of all of them, especially those that are questioning everything.

Some even thanked me for being strong and acknowledged my mom knew what she was doing in appointing me POA. I explained exactly what she wanted down to the details of how she did not want my grandmother to watch her die. GM broke down and said how she's still not over her son's death from 5 years ago.

No one really had any questions, so only time will tell if they fully accept where we are right now and where we are going.

I have so many mixed emotions from grieving mom and how others crucified me that I can't even cry anymore. I think I'm in shock, but will fall apart at some point.

Thank you all so much ❤️
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Ella2021 Jul 2022
There's nothing worse than losing a child. From what you've said, your GM probably developed some PTSD during that time and has not healed from it. I hope she is able to grieve properly so that she can be a support to you. This is hard on everybody and many don't realize they are hindering when they are trying to help. Emotions play a big role in this. So glad you reached out and got some rally good advice to help you move forward.
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So sorry to hear your story.

In your shoes, I would continue to honour my Mother's wishes.

I would seek grief counsellor/hospice nurse/pastoral care/faith leader - a professional in this area - have THIS person sit down & discuss things with Grandmother. Explain what Mother's wishes are. What is planned. Talk it through.

Maybe Grandmother will gain some new perspective.. or maybe not 😞. Either way, you will have removed yourself from conversations/disagreements about treatments & wishes. The difference of views is between your Mother & her Mother - I don't feel it is fair to you to be caught in that, or have to fix or smooth that. They are allowed to disagree. That Mother's plans do.not agree with Grandmother's wishes may cause her sadness, bit it could bring her pride - that her brave daughter has chosen her oath with knowledge & dignity.

Wishing you peace.
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
Thanks for the thoughtful advice. I am planning a family meeting because this is out of control. GM got real mean and nasty with me recently. My GM, her sisters and other family planned a prayer vigil at the hospital for my mom and did not invite me or my brothers.
I cannot imagine losing a child, or losing 2 in 5 years. I grieve for my GM and even had the doctor review the scans and talk to her about how my mother made the decision to name me as POA to protect her. GM is used to making all of the decisions. What GM doesn't understand is that I am actually the one in my mother's immediate family to make all the pertinent decisions. I am the one my mother and brothers always call on.
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Thank God your mother had the foresight to name you POA. I cant imagine the torture your uncle went through at the insistence of his mother to keep him alive no matter the psychological and physical cost to uncle.

Your number one job is to protect your mother from that same outcome. And you are doing the right thing. Grandma may or may not come around after mom passes and that is her choice.
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Your GM sees her child dying and wants to do everything she can to save her. You are an impediment to her natural need. As a mother I totally get it. This is her baby, not the level-headed adult leader you know. "I must save my baby." She is desperate.

You are desperate, too, to honor your mother's dying wishes. Your grandmother is most likely incapable of honoring her daughter's wishes as her baby is dying.

You are right to do as your mother asks. These are her wishes on her life. Even though GM brought her into this world, your mother is a separate person with her own rights to makes choices about her life. GM dies not understand this because her baby is dying and she MUST do everything she can to save her. GM is reacting emotionally, while you are reacting both emotionally and logically. You may never get through to your GM, aunts and other relatives, but in honoring your mother's wishes, you will be able to live with yourself.

May I suggest the following mantra to be repeated every time you speak to GM and other relatives: "I love my Mom dearly and I don't want to see her suffer. We have thoroughly discussed her end of life care numerous times and I am doing exactly as she made me promise. I know you love her, too, and I am sure you want to honor her wishes, too.."

As for hospice, the hospice providers have very clear guidelines on what they are permitted to do and not do when caring for a terminal patient. Most hospices have only one family member they contact for the care plan. Sometimes there will be a second contact for the financial aspects. As your Mom's MPOA, they are required to contact you for all medical updates and medical decisions. Make sure you explicitly tell hospice that you are the only MPOA and provide them with the paperwork documenting this. They are legally bound to honor this, which will prevent your relatives from undermining your mother's wishes.

Best wishes fir you and may your mother find peace.
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Grandma can feel slighted all she'd like. In this case, YOU are your mother's POA and need to abide by her wishes. Grandma needs to step aside and let you do as your mother wishes. If that means she has to stay away, then so be it; if it means she's not speaking to you, so be it.

I know this is such a difficult time, made even worse by grandma taking such a stance. Why is that 'loved ones' make our jobs SO MUCH harder by imposing THEIR WILL on us when we have a job to do that they disagree with? Makes things 1000x harder and more stressful than it has to be. Maybe grandma is suffering from dementia now and unable to step back and let you do as you must. Do what you have to do for mom, THEN worry about reviving the relationship with grandma. That's what I'd do. You can't do both things at once here w/o getting someone upset, so grandma is the one who has to lose out. The thought of doing to your mom what gma did to her son is absolutely unthinkable and cruel, and precisely why mom did not want her handling her end of life wishes.

Best of luck with such a difficult situation. Wishing you peace and Godspeed as you move forward.
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Mysteryshopper Jul 2022
You are right about the interference of others and how they can manipulate with love. When I became primary caregiver for my LO, there was a family member who was on a mission to blur the lines between love, hate, apathy, necessity, preference, dignity, entitlement, etc. All while claiming to love and appreciate me and proclaiming to know that I'd "do the right thing." Well, I DID do the "right thing" after careful assessment and observation of the situation and the right thing had little to do with what this "loving" family member wanted. Suddenly, the love evaporated and I was actually surprised to a degree. This same person was also essentially NOT a hands on helper - I recall her purchasing one case of bottled water (which was not needed) and making Xerox copies for me about my LO condition and what Medicare covers (all of which would be accessible via Google). But she sure did have an opinion on handling things and hints rapidly turned into suggestions and turned into requests and then to demands. OP needs to stay strong here.
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I imagine grandmother has to double down on her belief you aren't doing enough in order to justify to herself that she did the right things for your uncle, to admit that a different way may be better would be admitting she may have been wrong.

Don't get into it with her, you have already explained to her what your mother's wishes are and I wouldn't keep explaining beyond a brief "no, that isn't what she wanted", then end the conversation. Hang up or leave the room if necessary, you don't need to fight, you can still be polite when you do that - "grandma I'm sorry but I won't discuss this any more, I'll see you later".

I'm coming back to ask about whether there is a hospice suite in the hospital or a hospice facility available to you? Being in a place that specializes in the end of life felt very different to me than being in a hospital setting. ((hugs))
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
My aunt and eldest brother are saying I'm wrong for not allowing GM to stay overnight with mom and it's going to kill her if she doesn't have the closure of watching her die. I simply replied, "it's not what mom wanted and I agree, mom loved GM being at her bedside through her illness, but when her health changed to severe she put a POA in place for me and my siblings to do things how she wanted which includes making sure her mother doesn't do all the things she did to my uncle and not watching her die." They just don't want to hear that.
The doctor recommended inpatient hospice as a next possible step so my siblings and I discussed it. My eldest brother immediately called grandma. Now grandma confronted my middle brother saying, "what's this I hear about hospice, I'm taking her home with me." This is a mess!
The doctors will speak with all of us at the same time today to discuss everything so we all hear it at the same time. Including palliative care.
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Sadly: grief can be an ugly thing and people process it differently, I've noticed. Your family is taking their grief out on YOU, it sounds like, b/c you are the easiest target. Your mom is dying and they are angry/scared about it. So they are lashing out and trying to find someone to blame. People also don't want to be left with guilt after a loved one passes; and putting in 'feeding tubes' and taking heroic life extending measures, in spite of the loved one's wishes AGAINST IT, make THEM feel better about THEMSELVES after the loved one passes. They can say, "well look at me, I tried everything humanly possible to extend her life and it didn't work. My hands are clean, I can't blame myself and can now live life guilt free.' That's my belief; and I call that selfishness when they KNOW their loved one does not WANT feeding tubes and heroic life saving measures taken to extend their life.

So this is when you get to be the Bad Guy by doing what mom wants, and let the others cluck their tongues in response. They weren't tasked with the dreadful job you were, so it's easier for them to be the Armchair Critics and tell you what 'they would do' and what 'you are doing wrong.' You are simply carrying out mom's wishes, that's all, hard as it is to do.

Death is hard to deal with, hard to process, and the ensuing grief tends to come along with guilt and other assorted emotional baggage for the survivors.

Wishing you Godspeed with all you have to deal with, which includes a lot of grief of your own to process.
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It is OK for your grandmother to be angry with you.

If by honoring your mother’s wishes, your great relationship with your grandmother suffers in the process, that’s one of the lousy miserable rotten things that happen when people get old.

There are some situations in dealing with the problems of the elderly where none of the possible choices yields a happy ending.

You’re caught in the middle of this tragedy, and your feelings count too.

Unless your mother wants to be brought home, she needs to be where she receives the best care, pain management, and simple comforts.

Please try to be kind and loving to yourself during this painful time. You are doing an amazing job.
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The cackling peanut gallery arrived around 9:00pm with visitation over at 10:00pm. (My GM sisters and eldest brother) I spent the entire day with my GM, we all met with the medical team, went over mom's POA document, Advanced Directive and explicitly explained in detail her wishes. Everyone expressed understanding.
I told everyone goodnight, including my grandmother around 9:40pm. I didn't see the nurse for our nightly chat to thank them and remind them of no overnight visitors.

I called the nurse around 10:20pm. The nurse told me my GM asked HER if she could stay the night. She replied, "let me check with her daughter to see if it's okay".
Excuse me, I spent the entire day with GM, not once did she tell me about this burning desire to be by moms side all night, which I explained to her in the family meeting goes against what mom wants.

At this point I'm getting angry because it feels like they are being malicious about everything. Showing up when I'm not there to slither in.

My GM didn't say much in the meeting so now I'm feeling my great-aunts are feeding things to her or GM just cannot accept everything that's going on. I'm thinking she may have some form of early onset memory issues. Of which I would love to help her with, but I am deeply hurt by all of this that has transpired.
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Geaton777 Jul 2022
How old is your GM? If she's in her 70s it is not out of the realm of possibilities that she has ccognitive/memory impairment and others around her don't see it and are aiding and abetting her. But just the fact that she's calling anyone BUT you makes me think she is really just a passive/aggressive manipulator or has a personality disorder. This is beyond her "not accepting everything that's going on". You can tell her that if she doesn't respect your Mother's wishes that you will have no other option than to pursue a restraining order against her. See if she remembers this conversation. Just know that there will be family blow-back from others. Good luck!
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