How can I keep my 91 year old father from being verbally abusive to my wife?

Where is the OP? Has he vanished?

My mother lived with my husband and I for 10 long yrs. I have been on the receiving end of her hostility for much of my life----but a few weeks ago she started on my husband. That was totally unacceptable to me, as he has given up so much for her to live with us during our retirement years. We had the rv and planned to travel among other things, when he retired. In the 50 yrs of our marriage he has been exceptionally good to her. I reached out to this group, and was advised to look up the word 'narcissist'. It describes her perfectly. She was placed in a behavioral center for 2 weeks for evaluation, and was put on the proper meds to calm her, and help with her severe depression, and dementia. Two days ago she was transferred to an assisted living residence. I will always make sure that she is well taken care of, but I had to make a tough decision, for the good of all of us. I just wish that I had been able to bring myself to do this a long time ago.

How does your wife feel? I would honor her wishes. Also, I would talk to a dementia specialist as to the behaviors you might expect him to have with his dementia. Is this behavior lifelong or something new? If he has always been the kind of man to be verbally abusive, not much will change his behavior. Dementia is cruel in so many ways. Expecting your dad to have normal behavior with dementia may not be reasonable. Depending on the type of dementia and area of the brain affected can help you understand his behavior although understanding still doesn't make it any less difficult to handle.

disgusted:: Thank you for your post.

You are caught in the middle but the short answer is that your wife comes first.

My mom lived with us. She never mistreated my husband but my relationship became strained. It still effected my husband. I did have to ask my mom to leave. Hard? Yes, it is! But we do what we have to do.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Hi there,
As many have stated, you can't change anyone's behavior except your own. This targeting and such directed towards your wife is either behaviors he's learned through the years or is part of his condition or more likely, both. One option would be to bring in a private caregiver while your wife is & is not present, for example. It would be enlightening to see how he treats a neutral party, and it would certainly offer insight to use in final decision making if you're still on the fence about getting him into ASL.
I believe someone mentioned it, but I would have a "nanny" cam (open or hidden) so that the facts are clear as there's a lot that goes on that we miss in the moment, especially when emotions are involved. Visual & auditory recordings can assist in that manner and in a vast array of areas such as documentation to support his health needs properly by having that very factual information to bring to his physician(s), and so much more.
However and with that said, I would personally remove him from your wife immediately. I try to explain to my patients and their families that one of the most effective ways to ruin a relationship is to move in with a family member or have the patient move in with them. This takes a toll on even the healthiest and loving of family environments - it's just a completely different dynamic when you reside together & relationships will change.
I feel that you'd be more neglectful if you didn't get him to a proper facility that's appropriately suited for his needs. The current situation is toxic to all involved, it seems. For his benefit, get him under the supervision of those trained to work with his condition and/or temperament. For your wife's benefit and your relationship, get this done straight away. As I'm sure you know and feel, your wife comes first and because he's your father, it's your responsibility to make it a priority.
Essentially, my advice is look at the facts and the positive aspects vs focusing on the negative - let the guilt go and instead, view putting him in an ASL community as what will best benefit him - all while ensuring your wife is safe and reassured by feeling comfortable and relaxed in her own home. In doing so, both of you can support him better all around.
It's not an easy task, I know but it sounds like it's in his best interest and you & your wife's. Take care & all the best!

I am sorry you are going through this. You are not an unfit husband and son. You simply don't have clarity in this situation. I have been in a similar situation and still am. However, I am wondering if you and your wife could see it as an opportunity for growth on your part. I am merely suggesting and sharing my experience. My 95 yo mom has always been abusive, which is why my 4 siblings don't have anything to do with her; and why this started out to be a rough journey. But, now, my mom and I share a better relationship. Not because she changed, but because I did. It has taught me a lot about myself. In fact, the way I look at it now, is that she has made ME a better person, teaching me patience, kindness and love. It's a miracle for sure! I have always known that you can't change the behaviours of others, never mind ones who have dementia. So, I decided to use the situation to further my own growth and to help give her more peace at the ending of her life. She is now residing in a long-term care facility, but I see her everyday. You know the saying, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Let me know if you would like to know some of my strategies. You have reached out for help and the universe/God is answering you. Try to see the answers, rather than focusing on the problem. I know how hard that sounds to do, but it can be done and I have also helped others do the same.
So, my dear new friends, I commiserate with you and encourage you to shift away from the problems and seek guidance from the eternal. It truly is available if you seek it. I am living the miracle today. May you have peace that surpasses all understanding. Hugs to you and your family. Sending you love and light.
Bless you.

If you abuse him back ... it’s called elder abuse! It’s a no win having him in your home!

No, there is no way to change your father. He has dementia. You are disrespecting your marriage by allowing him to abuse your wife. You are disrespecting yourself by allowing him to abuse your generosity of living in your home. Time to check out memory care and set a deadline to move your dad out. His care needs are only going to increase.

Yes, bzkfrl, do come back and let us know how you are dealing with this situation. We learn from one another and it is helpful to know what worked for someone.

bzkfrl - Hi wondering how you are doing in this very difficult situation.

Out he goes. Your wife deserves better.

It may be time to place him in a assisted living facility.
It is not fair to your wife to be verbally abused by your father. Give him two options. Stay and be respectful or he will have to be placed in a faculty.
Is he aware of his behavior?

Not a good idea AT ALL to move dad into your home and expect your wife to be his caregiver. He needs facility living since he's being this acrimonious.

This is a problem you created by moving your Father w dementia into you & your Wife’s home ....& then making your Wife HIS CAREGIVER!!!
Wow! I’m surprised she hasn’t divorced you yet!!! If he has the funds, get him into ALF or memory care immediately. You may not have a marriage left if you continue with this situation. Good luck!

After ascertaining that he isn't ill (such as a UTI) then treat your wife to the respect SHE deserves. Have him move out.

I have the flip thing going on--my MIL is HORRIBLE to me. Always has been, but as she has aged, the filter is GONE. NO dx of dementia, just a more intensely angry personality. She will scream at me. Literally. And my Hubs just sits there, he will not say one word about treating me better and he never did--so we're at a stasis. I refuse to have one thing to do with her increasing needs, and I know I am needed, but I respect MYSELF even if my DH doesn't. He always tells me to be the 'bigger person' but when a 90 yo woman is screaming at you "I hate you! Shut up! Why are you even here?" What do I say back to her?

Not a word.

She is one fall away from being back in the NH she was in for a couple of months last year. She COULD stay home, if she would allow me and SIL to work out a CG schedule, but she has made that impossible. All her own fault.

YOUR WIFE should come first. If I were your wife, I would have left you guys alone quite a while ago. Bless your wife for putting up with a FIL with dementia.

Even KNOWING my MIL probably isn't 100% 'there' the simple fact that she is beyond nasty to me, doesn't make me feel sorry for her. Words HURT, whether they are from a 'broken brain' or a nasty disposition.

I think that the father should not be allowed to "bully" the daughter in law a moment longer. Dementia? Or just a history of disrespect for women?  Who knows?  It would be interesting if the son told the father that the son notices that the father bullies the daughter in law only when the son isn't there. The son could tell the father "I have told my wife to start recording your mean remarks to her the minute you show disrespect to her. She is to report back to me every time I return home". This would take blame off of the daughter in law and might show (if the father stops) that it is only long time meanness and not Dementia.

Let me see, this is your father, you moved him in to your home. However, it is your wife who is caring for him. How come? Also, he is aware enough to berate her when you are not around. That means he knows what he is doing and could stop, because he stops when you are there. If I was your wife, I would be the hell out of there. It is HER house too. In fact, I did leave and it was my husband and my mother. He needs to live somewhere else..

"Is there any way I can change my father’s abusive behavior?"

No, he has dementia and you cannot reason with someone who has dementia. Some anti anxiety meds might help, but I doubt it.

I did not look at your profile to see if your father has some form of dementia or not but...
You give him an ultimatum. (and I normally dis like ultimatums)
You sit him down and tell him...."Dad I love you, I love my wife. If you continue to disrespect her while you are living in OUR home you will no longer be welcome and WE will ask you to leave." "This is a non negotiable rule."
Have a facility lined up and the very first time he disrespects you or your wife pack his bags.
To answer your last question..YOU can not change his behavior you can change your response to his behavior.

OK..looked at your profile and you mention that some of this is caused by anxiety. If that is the case it is possible that medication might help but many anti anxiety medication can take a while to work and it can be a process to find the right medication and the right dose. This might be worth discussing with his doctor.

I would suggest you place him in an Assisted Living Community under Respite. That way he could stay there between 7-30 days and give you and your wife a break while introducing him to Assisted Living. Before he goes tell him that this is a trial for him to see what Assisted Living is like and he is welcome back after the visit. However if when he comes back he goes back to being verbally abusive to your wife or acts inappropriately in any way you will have to place him permanently in the Assisted Living Community. By doing this you are giving the control to him, if he chooses to go back to the negative behavior he has made the choice to move out.

You did mention that he has dementia. Depending on the level of the dementia he may or may not be able to process what he is doing. If the dementia is to the level that he can't control this behavior then I would consider placing him in an Assisted Living Community. The do have Assisted Living Memory Care Communities for those who need that level of care.

You need to prioritize your family. If your dad needs to move to Assisted Living this is by no means your fault and you should not feel guilty. By placing him you are putting him in a situation where he can get the specialized care he needs.

I wish you the best, let us know how things work out.

He needs to go.

Move him out. Your wife does not deserve this and you should not tolerate him doing this. This situation has everyone living with misery. You have the control to have fewer family members experiencing this. I realize your emotions may be diminished presently but I would hope you have the love and respect for your wife to have her live a decent quality of life which is very difficult if she is being emotionally abused which she most certainly is.

You can’t change what your father does to your wife. What you can do if you don’t want to put him in assisted living is hire a full time caregiver to cover the hours you aren’t home. I will tell you that it may stop after awhile, however in the meantime it’s not pleasant. Honestly if I had to care for my father again I would have put him in assisted living. Dad enjoyed the company of others and he also enjoyed his alone time. We guilt ourselves into doing for them, not thinking that we may be depriving them of the ability to be social when they choose.

You can not change another person's behavior, especially with dementia. Discuss with your wife if your dad's communication is a problem for her. If she can deal with it, then nothing has to change for now. If it bothers her (and it would bother me - a lot), then it is time to help dad move to assisted living. Look for a place that can transition him to full care when he needs it.

It is your wife's home. He goes. The only question is where, but he goes.

Some here recommend a dementia screening. Just an fyi: my mother had one (after being incredibly cruel to me) and as she's a narcissistic skilled in charming strangers, the doctor told her she was fine. On one of my many desperate calls to the Alzheimer's hotline, they kindly told me that they didn't think my mother had Alzheimer's. They said it sounded as if she had a personality disorder and if that was the case, personality disorders can intensify and get worse when someone gets older. So if your rather has a personality disorder and not dementia, then the screening may work against you. Hope your situation resolves well for all....

What is interesting is that his father mainly does it when the son is not around. So he must not be that out of control, he does not do it in front of a witness. So perhaps dementia removed part of the filter for this behavior but he can still turn it on or off. Mostly likely he has history of being verbally abusive to other women. Regardless, it is not acceptable and he must be moved.

As the others have stated, move him out. Your wife deserves a peaceful home, and to NOT be the caregiver for your father.

You say he can afford it -- what are your plans to start looking around at them? Please tell us you have decided that this is what you must do.

Oh my! Your dad needs placed in assisted living. Your home needs to be a place of refuge for yourself and your wife. Yes your dad needs care but not at your wife’s expense. With dementia if he’s already hateful I don’t see how anything you say will change that. It’s going to get worse not better. An assistant living environment would have more activities that might occupy his time some and there would be more caregivers. It’s a bad spot to be in. Hard on the heart.