How can I live my life without this pressure?

If you are not POA, in reality, you shouldn't be doing what you are doing. Your 'responsibility' should be to visit him when you can - would be nice every other week for an hour or two - but to handle all of his personal and financial affairs, that should be the POA's duty. You say he is in rehab - what does the doctor at the facility say about the prognosis - 4 weeks? 8 week? And if he doesn't improve - is everyone on board as to what the next steps are because there are next steps that a POA would need to handle.

Tell the extended family that although you have done your best to help out, right now you have a 'medical' situation that will prevent you from helping him as much as you have. You don't have to tell them in detail that the medical condition is your needing a physical and mental break from it all. Notify the rehab facility that you are having to step away from helping out and give them the number of gran's family to contact. Tell gran that you won't be there for a couple weeks. I know that many suggest staying firm to your 'boundaries' but unfortunately, the extended family will not honor your boundaries unless you take drastic measures - like stepping away.

Feel bad for gran - yes, but, HE should have had a plan in place- and that is where the POA steps in.

grand1: You simply are stretched too thin. Seek respite by any means possible.

Some posts say give the family a weekly status report. Been there. Refused.

My position: I’ll help where I can. But I am not your employee (or Grandpa’s employee). It’s not my job to send status reports or execute to do lists or be bossed around. If the family has an opinion, the family should get involved.

I agree with another here.
Write / communicate your needs and commitment to the family - you need to clearly state your boundaries of what you will and will not (continue to) do - and include specifics of how this is affecting you/r health, physical and mental.
* If they do not want to physically be there to manage some of the needs, tell them you need to hire caregiver(s) and they need to contribute. Be clear on what you need / asking as many people simply do not know the cost of care (givers).

* Tell them this is as much their responsibility as it is yours. They need to step up or your grandpa - their father (?) uncle (?) etc will suffer the consequences. This ISN'T solely your responsibility.

* The family may not 'do anything pro-active' unless and until you do. You need to tell them this is a family responsibility, and due to distance, other arrangements can be made. In essence, the distance of the rest of the family is NOT a deterrent of them providing support (ie you getting help/caregivers).

Gena / Touch Matters

Ask each family member to volunteer to take responsibility for grandpa on a year long calendar. If they would prefer to pay for care from "Visiting Angels," then they make payments for their dates and schedule the care takers. If no one volunteers, ask Social Services (Adult Protective Services) to make arrangements for her.

If nothing works out, perhaps the family members can move Grandpa to their locales. After that, time to consult an Elder Law Attorney to get you the legal advice you need to set yourself free and get Grandpa safe and secure.

Send a group email or chat to give them an update - maybe 2x a week. And end it with 'that's all I know right now - if you have any questions, ask here and when I can speak to someone AND get an answer, I'll let you know. If you need an answer before you hear from me, spend a day at the facility with him so you can talk to medical professionals when they come in',

Before you do the group conversation noted above, I think I'd send one to ask for their help in visitation...based on... he needs eyes on him during his stay to make sure everything is on the up and up at random times of the day. And, you can't do these visits yourself. Suggest a calendar that they can put their names on certain days they can plan to show up. Be very clear with your own schedule you cannot do this without their help. Additionally, they need to start working on a plan for when he is released - he may still be weak and in the need of some help day/night upon release. Tell them all that if they can't help by being there, you'll have to hire help (so be prepared for his money to be used/their contributions or moving him in with one of them until he is better)

If you get a bunch of naysayers as far as helping, do you know what his finances are? If money allows, go ahead and start lining up some in-home care to be with him as much as affordable when he is released. Don't discuss it with them unless you are going to have to depend on their contributions to pay for it.

Always be direct with what you need covered. Some folks will help if specific tasks are requested and some won't help at all.

Well, you can ask for volunteers, hire "Visiting Angels" to visit and give you support or suggest moving Grandpa to facilities in each relatives' location.

If you only hear "crickets," it's time to call Adult Protective services to evaluate him for appropriate placement.

Do your best in getting him help and then retire from this custodial job.

You have had great advice. The family will not understand or maybe don't want to understand the effect this has on you. Just set your own boundaries as to what you can and cannot do and let them know and stick to it. Don't take on any more. It's not up for discussion or explanation. You don't have to justify yourself to them. You can only do so much and still have a life of your own, which you need to preserve and it is your choice as to what you want to/can do.

If they try to direct you to do this and that - like ask the nurses or doctor about something - tell them "No." I can't do any more than I am doing. End of discussion Change the subject and/or hang up if you have to.

What a wonderful granddaughter you are to be doing what you are doing.

Does Grandpa have a durable power of attorney, assigning you as sole caregiver/decision-maker? If not, there should be documentation for decision making related to Grandpa's care--and perhaps a Will and Living Trust. Look into this. Some towns have a cheaper option for procuring these documents. I went to "Legal Aid of Palm Springs" and paid less than half the normal amount through an attorney.

See if you can create an email or Messenger communication group of all family members who have an interest in Grandpa's well-being, and start communicating with ALL group members about both YOUR and Grandpa's needs. If there IS a POA and Healthcare Directive, get a copy and share the documents with doctors, facilities, caregivers, etc, and direct those places to start communicating with the named power-of-attorneys in the documents.

If there are no documents, it's time for Grandpa to pay for those documents to be drawn up. As soon as family members realize that you are seriously taking control, they may have a change of heart about taking some responsibility for Grandpa. If not, they are heartless people, and you will need to get the documents drawn up and notarized on your own. Also, arrange to have a social worker assigned to Grandpa through his Medicare plan. Meet regularly with the social worker regularly to get help, advice, referrals for assistance, etc.

Best of luck!

My Mom loves to tell me "you handle everything so well." (her manipulative way of trying to get me to sign up for the full time Caregiving of her days ahead) Referring to how I run my life/day. I tell her "no, not happening...I can only handle so much" "I only have so much bandwidth" "I will not sacrifice my mental and physical health" "I have my profession, Kids, others in the course of a day" "I know what I can put to each..but no more"....
***Hold your ground. Figure out what precisely you are willing to do & let your family know you are bowing out from there bc of school and rest of your life/your health.
Why is this on you so much as a G-Kid??
Be firm but nice in your responses.
I have learned with my Mom if there is any gray area, she will try to repeatedly cross the boundary...change my Mom. Stand up for yourself and what you know is best for YOU!

I've often wondered if everyone who has this problem has ever simply TOLD everyone in their family what they write here. It would certainly make life easier if the family members understand the pressure they're unknowingly placing on one person.

So, Step 1 -- tell your family what you've said here.

You describe several chores that can be handled by phone or electronically. Any remote chore ask others to do. Most groceries deliver in fact so that can be done remotely.

Sit down, breathe deeply, someone, I understand, is taking care of Grandpa at the moment. Your job is to plan your part. You describe lots of items that can be managed remotely, well, maybe not from space, but I wouldn't bet on it. One can call or handle purchases and deliveries or bills from most places. The expense is not even greater. The thing that makes sense is for you to handle the items that personal presence make important, initially. Visiting, giving a weekly kiss, and eyeball the place, etc. I would think about that, do you have a sensible friend that can help you think it through? Secondly, write out important phone numbers, contacts-doctor, nursing supervisor, accountant?. Send that list to your relatives and ask them to divide up the remote jobs among themselves. Tell them what you can reasonably do for the next weeks, months, years?. Do not allow them to determine this. Suggest that the family, grandpa, ?, hire someone to handle anything else THEY DO NOT WANT TO DO. YOU ARE NOT AVAILABLE 24/7. They had better set up a plan to visit at alternate times. Be careful you do not end up running an air B and B unless you enjoy that kind of thing. You and they are getting into some bad habits, let's just say the shock has caught everyone unprepared for kindness' sake. A long term plan is needed. It is not practical to put everything on your shoulders; it is not that kind of job and risks grandpa's well being. Damp down your anxiety and guilt, it does no one anyone good, does not improve the plan. Use your head, people are great at thinking up work for other people. The hard part is thinking up what you can do.

Are you your grandfather's POA, or does he still make his own decisions and manage his own affairs?
If you aren't then tell the family members they can call your grandfather directly. They can go to the rehab themselves. He can ask some of them to take over some of the bill paying and making sure he gets what's on his lists. He can also tell ll of them this himself and not rely on you to be his press secretary to inform everyone. Tell him to.

((hugs)) I feel your stress, and I have two sisters to help me. It's a monumentally hard job. I spoke to a social worker and that was helpful. She made many great suggestions to ease the burden. Not all were feasible, but quite a few took of some of the pressure. It seems like a frank conversation with your family, telling them what you can and can't do, and letting them know you need help. We care for our mom who's in assisted living now, and I also help care for my mother-in-law (and I have MS myself). At one point, I had to tell my MIL she was destroying my health because she would not deal with her own mental health care. She heard me and started an anti-anxiety med that made a difference. It's a really hard job, it really is. I hope you get some help.

You really only have two choices as you can’t force other people to step up if they simply won’t. You continue on as you are, or you TELL, not ask, his other family members that you are able to spend 2 hours with grandpa a week on the weekend in addition to your duties of taking care of his finances and that’s it. And then stick to your guns. If they ask you to call the doctor and ask a question, tell them to do it themselves. You have to set your own boundaries because the more you give the more they will take.

The solution is straightforward - do what you can and no more. Mail Gramps cards and letters, visit when you can, and request the family to do the same. Specifically, be firm and tell those family members you need help and would appreciate it if you all can take turns visiting. If no one else will step up, inform those people that as soon as Grandpa gets out of rehab he will be needing paid, in home care. I think you did a good job of articulating your needs in your post - and you will get good results if you did the same verbally with your family. Sometimes, people don't realize the amount of work that's involved or just mentally divorce themselves from that part until you put them "on the spot". Always remember and make it clear to others, the help you're requesting is what will make your grandfather feel happy, secure and loved.

You sound like a truly good person, unfortunately there’s often people who try to take advantage of that goodness. You must also think of your needs, they are taking advantage.
The best advice I can think right now is actions speak louder than words so it’s not your job to “try to help them understand”— they are adults, probably even older than you right? They already understand they are not doing much of anything and your doing it all. They already know this so they don’t need anyone to help them understand. The best thing you can do is get the message across by your actions of pulling back from doing half these things. Enforce a boundary by stating as much as you’d like to do it all, you have limitations to your time and effort as you also have things in your own life that need attending to. When they try to persuade you dismiss it with a polite “I’m sorry I can’t possibly do all this by myself”. If you really want to spend that time helping him inform them you will be able to continue once your officially being compensated financially some amount for your time. If they complain or try to pull the “your his granddaughter” card tell them they are his son or daughter in law etc, and that nobody can invest that much time w/o being financially compensated. Pls take care of yourself, don’t let them guilt trip you it’s manipulation to be able to get more free time and labor from you and that’s wrong

Hi Overwhelmed Grand,
We have a similar situation where a granddaughter lives closest to her our mom. This was by our mom's choice because when she had to move to a senior apartment community, she didn't like the regions where both her children lived. She ended up needing a lot more care than anyone imagined, and after less than a year there, they realized she actually needed fulltime memory care.

How it was handled when the community repeatedly called, the grand told them to call me or my brother because she didn't have authority to make decisions or pay bills. If you forward or refer calls to one of the adult children for resolution or tell them who to call the community/rehab facility will stop calling you. It may take a few times. Also, in the reverse you can respectfully give family members the phone numbers of contacts at the facility and the phone number of grandfather's room so they can reach out to them.

I became the sole person called, even though I live a couple of hours away and was working fulltime. It's OUR responsibility, not the grandchildren to do this just because the grand lives closer by.

If there's a durable Power Of Attorney (POA) already set up, it can help one of the adult children to facilitate. If not, they/or one of them should take steps to have one set up so they can take responsibility paying bills and decision making etc.

It can be done remotely! I did it, so can any family members who should actually be responsible and not a grandchild. Visiting is still nice, but you need to live your life too. They will understand as responsible adults.

Good luck with this!

Grand, here's a question for you-what if grandpa CAN'T return home?

He's bullied you in the past. If he says "move in with me" or something equally preposterous, are you going to be able to stand up to family pressure.

Who is talking to the discharge planning folks at the rehab place?

Since the family is looking to you for updates (and not grandpa himself) does that mean folks don't think he's able to manage his own health?

Consider sending a once a week email to all the family members with a brief update. Encourage any questions or suggestions be submitted via email. Stop answering your phone

I haven’t read your posting history, so I don’t know anything about you other than what is in this post and the responses.

Boundaries and limits are ridiculously hard to set after the pattern has been established. It sounds like you’ve been involved in elder care for loved ones for EIGHT years now!

While family dynamics are different for every family, in many instances, it seems to me, families are perfectly content to set up a ‘sacrificial lamb’ who shoulders an unfair amount of the burden while the others continue to live their lives, cultivate their relationships, career, hobbies and passions.

What is the plan for Grandpa? How long is he in rehab? Is he going home afterwards or is he transitioning to Independent living?

On one hand, I don’t see anything wrong with you having to spend 2-3 hours a week with Grandpa. But if there are other family members - particularly his children within a 1-2 hour drive, they need to shoulder the burden.

It is very difficult to take care of our own lives and then have the details of someone else’s life to juggle as well. Plus, no matter how kind the loved one is, very few people enjoy the mundane details of adulting. A great burden is lifted when you have someone else to run all the errands, manage the bill paying, take care of house and car maintenance and meals.

A friend of mine was telling me how subtly it all started. Her mom called her at work 3-4 years ago and asked if she would swing by Walmart and pick up 4-5 things. It was cold, snowy and icky weather. Before she knew it, she was having to stop by Mom’s house before work with coffee, after work after running errands, then go home, cook supper and then bring supper over to Mom. While it was a small town, her whole life outside of work soon revolved around Mom. Her days off were spent taking Mom to different appointments and getting her two cars serviced.

Finally, she met with her brother and sister and told them she couldn’t do it anymore. They came to the conclusion (and friend agreed) to have friend quit her job and take care of Mom Monday-Friday. Only, she is paid for it - and paid more than what her “real” job paid. There are also limits, she is ‘on the clock’ 800AM - 800PM, only she isn’t with Mom the whole time. About 500 PM, she prepares Mom’s supper and her day is pretty much done. After 800 PM, any emergencies are handled by the brother or sister.

Okay, that’s probably a useless anecdote.

It does sound like there needs to be a family meeting and the goal needs to be to get Grandpa’s life streamlined. It costs money to live, it costs money to age. Does he need someone to run errands? Can they be handled by having things delivered? Too bad if there is a delivery charge and/or tipping to be done. This is part of aging. Does he need meal prep, house cleaning, help with laundry etc.? Again, he (and family) may not WANT to pay for it, but then someone else can step in and do it.

Good luck - I know it’s hard to break patterns and set limits. But it will help you in the long run.

One idea I have is to record on your phone a message after a visit just listing what you saw and know so far. They can all access that and not speak to you directly. Then out your phone on silent and ignore them.
also perhaps have a contact person where he is that they can call.
You may have to get to a point of having that firm statement “ if you want to know then you visit or call the place he is at because I have a life. And if you are mad about that well too bad. The subject is closed.” You have that right.
Bless you for what you do.

All ya'll so confidently saying "set boundaries", "assign them to take over some duties" etc... there are some family members that only care about the check they are going to get when the loved one dies. I've done all those things (set boundaries, assign him care duty ask for help) with my brother's family and they can't be bothered. Their lives are too "busy". Everyone's family dynamics is different.

Id suggest contacting the local county agency in aging and see if they can help you navigate finding paid assistance and options for help. You ain't gonna get it from your family so don't stress yourself about it. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

I totally understand your situation. Family came out of the woodwork with suggestions and questions the first couple times my mom was in rehab..but nothing helpful like money for years (She is now in hospice and they're happy to leave me alone to do all the work... That's another story).
Tell them you appreciate the concern but can't handle individual calls or texts anymore, you won't be able to answer them individually (this is where setting the boundary and following through becomes your responsibility, it's tough but do it), and you can either use CaringBridge as someone suggested, or create a Facebook group for just family and update everyone there (ignore their comments and questions and don't answer). This way you can also make suggestions about how they can help such as sending him specific things.
Also, you might suggest they connect with him directly; If he has a problem with a smartphone, you can install an Amazon Echo show in his rehab, and that way you, family and friends can call him directly through video and he just have to manage a smartphone (I used the Echo Show often to participate remotely in doctor and PT sessions for example with my mother because she could not manage a smartphone... Echo Show has a "drop in" feature where people can just "drop in" without him having to figure out how to answer. (For privacy reasons he should be called the old fashioned way first to let him know).
As someone who has spent the past 7 years in deep stress caring for her elderly mother without help from family I would just say I hope you can get out of a situation where you're taking care of family members at such a young age. I'm in my '60s and it's definitely ruined a part of my life that I'll never get back. Best of luck to you. You are a good person.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

I understand that you care about your grandfather. It seems like you have been dumped on though. People will take advantage of you as long as you allow them to do so.

How did you acquire this responsibility? It didn’t just fall into your lap. What was your initial agreement concerning your caregiving duties?

Actually, you shouldn’t be tied down with any of these duties. You have a full plate already and don’t have room for anything else on it.

How much longer do you think you can go on like this before having a total meltdown?

You’re a responsible adult that works full time, goes to school and so forth, don’t jeopardize what you have accomplished by stretching yourself to thinly.

Give notice to your family and resume your life.

You’re young. Live your life! Have some fun. You deserve it!

Set your boundary now and do not under any circumstances waiver from it. If you tell the family you will check in on him on let's say Saturday from whatever time to whatever time. Only do that and no more.

The family will have to make arrangements for the rest of the time while they work on finding a facility for him.

If you dont set a boundary and stick to it family will expect you to do everything for grandpa and you will be the solution. You dont want to be the solution.

I'd just let them all know to be prepared to help with him. My dad is in a nursing home and we (my siblings and I) didn't see it coming, he had multiple strokes, now he has vascular dementia), and it takes everyone. Nursing homes are not these angelic places. A loved one needs to be checked in on, visited it often and their affairs need to be handled. Nothing, I mean nothing will or can prepare a person for this and you shouldn't have to do this alone. Where is his children? Be brave and just tell them you need help. If not, let them know you won't be their information center because there's only so many hours in the day. But hon, your grandpa needs you and hopefully your partner understands. If not, blood is thicker than water.

If I were you, I would tell these nagging relatives that I will contact *one* of them *once* a week - preferably after you visit grandpa - and give that *one* person "grandpa updates". Then that designated person can pass that info onto the rest of the family. Since he's out of the hospital and in a rehab facility, I'm going to assume that whatever medical emergency landed him in the hospital is over and he is now in the facility to regain his strength, yes? If that's the case, these relatives shouldn't be hounding you so much for "updates"; grandpa is in rehab and is doing PT/OT to regain his strength. My mom was in rehab various times, and there wasn't very much in day-to-day changes that required daily "updates" to family members.

These relatives keep calling you because you keep answering them. As I said, choose one to keep "in the loop" and let the responsibility of informing the rest of the family fall on him/her. Then set a specific time/date each week to communicate with that one person, and ***ignore*** the rest of the phone calls.

It's a freeing moment in your life when you realize you are NOT REQUIRED to answer your phone every time it rings.

Someone needs to be his healthcare Proxy who makes medical decisions - usually that person gets power of attorney and deals with finances and bills and usually that person is his primary caregiver- sounds like you are being groomed for the Role . Time to tell these people “ No “ and let your relatives step up to the plate .

It's sad that you have to go through this. As for me, I chose my priorities and journalism wasn't one of them. After I finish with my day and my LO is safely tucked in bed, I tend to me. When I awaken, I tend to me. Everyone has the same opportunity as I.