How can I make my mother move to assisted living if she refuses?

I feel for you. My Mom was just diagnosed with dementia in February. I had to remove my Mom from her 2 story 2 BR apartment in Maine 12 hours from me. I'm an RN, but have zero experience with dementia. Her dementia is mild so I tried placing her in IL near me. It was great for a short period, but she relied on me for everything. This eventually put me in the hospital twice due to stress of it. It sounds like your Mom is not in a safe living environment. I am also POA, and was advised to tell my Mom that it is not me, but her MD that is telling me to move her. In the long and short of it I decided to tell my Mom the truth ...that it was just about killing me. I was fortunate enough to have gotten connected with an advocate who places the elderly. I made the decision to move my Mom into an Adult Foster Home certified by the state of MI. It's $3800/month, includes EVERYTHING except her depends, toothpaste, etc. She has 2 to 3 aides during the day and 1 to 2 at night.
There are only 5 other women in this house. She and I were both sad about moving her, but I had to be done for the both of us. My Mom is nicer with the dementia, and when I was honest with her she accepted the idea. The advocate said it takes about a month or two for the patient to adjust. I focused on safety, immediate community, support, meals, medications all right there.
I had to do it. I could not handle the stress. When her money runs out she will have to go to a Medicaid SNF unless my circumstances change.
You have to make the move of your Mom for yourself and your family. You are worth it, and not a bad daughter if you do. Your Mom will be safe. You can also tell a social worker or a " friend " who knows your Mom to call Adult Protective Services as she is not living safely....to be the " push" your Mom needs. I seriously thought about getting another person to be a guardian, but found out there are some terrible ones out there...so I had to pull my big girl pants up with God's help and make the move for my Mom. She cried, I allowed her to, gave her comfort, reassured her I loved her, and now could just focus on being her daughter who is alive and not dead. Our advocate told me she has seen so many adult children get heart attacks, strokes or die before their parent bc they can't make the tough decision for their own health.
You're not a bad daughter if you move her...you are a good and wise daughter. I suggest looking into an Adult Foster Home in your area.

This is now the time to sit down with your mother and explain that she is no longer safe on her own in the best opinions of her medical team and that THEREFORE she MUST now be moved to care.
This is not an option. Don't explain it as though it were. Tell her that you will now begin the search for the best facility to care for in YOUR opinion (not in hers). As long as you make this an option, she will of course say no.

If your mother says she isn't going, then you can tell her that it is not a choice, and that you as her POA will arrange this. If she, however, is well enough to go to an attorney you may be looking at a guardianship fight in which you will need the WRITTEN documents of TWO doctors (one should be neuro-psyc MD.

I would simply go ahead as POA. MPOA is overridden by a general POA which is what you are. That means you essentially ARE the medical POA and POA for ALL THINGS when your mother is no longer competent. However, competency or lack of it, if the elder pushes back and has an attorney is a court action.

As to how you do it?
You call EMS and pay to have it done if that is necessary, but do tell mom that such behavior would likely mean she would not go to ALF but to memory care, which is a locked unit in which she would not have her own room, but would have a roommate.

It's time for a visit and for absolute honesty.
I would go WITH A SOCIAL WORKER if at all possible to do this onerous task.
Your Mom may not intend to go gently into this good night. Would you?
You may want also to contact APS for their advice on this matter.

Work with the Memory Care Assisted Living administrator about how to facilitate the move. Get her some calming meds from her doctor and dole them out before the medical transportation comes to take her to the facilty.

Arrange to have lunch with mom in the dining room when you arrive. If you haven't been able to remove her things from home into her suite, now is the time to have the movers or delivery people do it. While she's eating. And meeting new people, being kept distracted. That's how we did it with my mother.

Hopefully you'll have her suite all set up for her like home, and she'll feel comfortable in it once she sees it. That's the goal....to have her see her new suite set up like home for her. If she freaks out, stay away for a while abdcsllow her to adjust.

Best of luck to you.

Mom has a Dementia. She can no longer make informed decisions concerning her care. Its no longer whatvshe wants its what she needs. More importantly what you need. Placing Mom in a AL was the best thing I did for both of us.

What I would like to know is where is everyone getting money for AL? Here in MASS. decent AL is 5-$7,000 per month No equity left in home or income enough to afford it. How is everyone talking so nonchalantly about something this expensive? Because of cost it isn't even an option for us.

We took my mom out to lunch then ended the day at the new place. While we were away the moving company packed up and transported to her new place. She was not happy and refused to even look at her bedroom for two days (she slept on the couch). We were advised to have minimal to no contact for 2 weeks to help her accept the placement.

it was heartbreaking but the right move and she eventually came around to it.

"She has cognitive impairments for most of her adult life from a TBI and now has lost short term memory almost completely."

* You never argue and never 'force' her to move.

* If you are the POA / handle all her life needs legally, you do what is in her best interest (not what she says she wants).

* You move her closer to you.

* Do you not 'listen' (in terms of what you actually do) to what she says although
YOU DO RESPOND with compassion and attention so she knows she is being heard. You respond with sensitivity and boundaries. In this vein:
- leaving open ended is best: "I am doing what I can to meet your needs." ... "Yes, I hear your desires. Thank you for telling me."

* You do what is necessary to keep her as calm as possible.
- Do not tell her what is coming. Stay in the moment.

* Do know that her cognitive abilities will continue to decline.
- Do not 'wait' until this happens. Handle it now.

* You must learn to take your power back while understanding that you can be compassionate, sensitive, and caring, too. This doesn't mean a huge change / move is easy on either of you. It is not. However, you need to keep your focus on what is best for her, regardless of the initial emotional responses / feelings.

Gena / Touch Matters

I would move her local to you. But, you cannot force an adult to do something they aren't willing to do, PoA or not.

Therefore you may have to create a therapeutic fib to get her into the facility. Facilities have done this for others, so pick a place and then talk to the admins about helping get her there. You may need to tell her something like: the city is shutting off utilities to work on the "lines" (water, gas, electric), or that she has a mold in her attic that needs to be cleared and it will take a while to get it fixed so you'll have to stay with us for a few days. Or, that there's an event in your town that she must attend, etc. Whatever you think she'll accept.

I suggest you discuss meds for anxiety for her with her doctor before you attempt to move her. Does she have any friends in that town who would be willing to help? A church or club? You should plan to stay there at least a week in advance for sure... I wish you success in getting her transitioned.

We had to take my mom to a psycho-neurologist. This was on the heels of her breaking her back a couple of times and her six of her ribs. It took over a year for a vascular dementia diagnosis. It wasn't until she broke her hip that rehab refused to let her live alone and we found a nice assisted living place for her. FYI... she's settled in nicely and likes it, but she blames me for everything.

Try your mother’s local County Area of Aging . They interviewed my mother and deemed her unsafe to live alone and were willing to return and physically remove my mother from her home and bring her to an AL that I had chosen .

Or ask the social worker you are already dealing with.