So my mom's decreasing health and recent turning to hospice, I find myself arguing with her more and being more stressed than usual. My brother is with her 24/7 and is exhausted. But she refuses to go into the hospice facility for 5 days for us to rest. What are some ways I can convince her?
I will tell you what the director of the Area Agency on Aging tolld me when she decided my mom needed to be "placed."
SHE WILL ADJUST.
I believed her. My mom adjusted. Yes, it took a while. Well worth the courage it took. All is well.
Pull up your big girl panties, get your courage up, and do what needs to be done. Take Harpcat's advice.
And not just for five days--be realistic!!!!!!!!!
Just daydreaming about it here, but suppose you suddenly discovered an insect infestation that required the house to be fumigated and therefore vacated for "up to a week." And cross your fingers behind your back.
More generally, and if your mother is too alert to be taken in by this kind of ruse, the thing to concentrate on is that you and your brother ARE doing x, y and z (for which neither of you needs her permission) and therefore a, b, and c arrangements have been made for her meanwhile. The point is to make yourselves the people in need and making choices, rather than her; because if you tell her what she needs to do and what decisions she needs to make you create the opportunity for her to say no. Let her stay in respite care be a natural side-effect of your being away, rather than a condition of your being able to go.
It's a cart before the horse thing, where you and your brother are the horse and your mother is the cart. The horse needs to lie down. It's no use asking the cart about it.
Technically, she does the right to refuse to stay in the facility if she wants. But if you have gone ahead and made the arrangements then once it all starts happening she's going to have her work cut out making them leave her in the house with nobody there to see to her.
You may not be in her good books for a while. But tough. If you and your brother don't get this break it'll get a lot worse than that.
And if you're too frazzled and your brother is too exhausted to go about this in a positive, let's-take-this-in-our-stride way with her, then make the arrangements and ask your hospice provider to do the explaining perhaps.
would not even consider hiring an aide, caregiver or going some where for us to get away. It was extremely difficult with her negative, criticizing attitude and some of our family still have no idea how much pressure I was under b/c they didn’t want to be involved. I reached a point where I could not handle it any further and had to do what was right for my own health. I really feel for
you and wish you the best.
We considered this the best of the few terrible choices we had, and we deliberately put her in the car and took her, me, her only child feeling worse with every minute of the trip.
For the first few days I stayed with her the full day, then went back to work.
Much to our great surprise, she not only “adjusted”, but THRIVED. Her caregivers loved her and she loved them.
We are now caring for her youngest sibling, and have executed the same process. However much we love them we have to keep in mind that doing the best for a loved one with dementia is not the same as doing what they have decided they want.
Hope you and your family find some way to relief soon.
2. Manufacture a crisis. An out-of-town friend in need, a special opportunity to see someone, a health problem of your own (she doesn't need details).
3. If none of these work, I am struck by how often being direct, even blunt, can work. "Mom, I need a break, I need a life, and this is what I am doing. I am doing my best, all the time, for you. Sometimes I can't be there all the time, so these are the arrangements I have made. You might not like it but you will survive it, and I will get to re-charge so that I can resume being your primary caregiver."
4. There will be fallout, of course. She will complain about everything: the people, the food, the room. Let this wash over you like rain, then shake it off. If she starts to repeat, you may have to remind her that she told you all about that already, how awful it was. Tell her to find someone else to complain to about what a horrible daughter you are. With any luck, she will revert to being (somewhat) appreciative, and if not, perhaps the 3rd party can re-direct her to gratitude.
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