So my mom's decreasing health and recent turning to hospice, I find myself arguing with her more and being more stressed than usual. My brother is with her 24/7 and is exhausted. But she refuses to go into the hospice facility for 5 days for us to rest. What are some ways I can convince her?
I read in one of the answers that giving options where "NO" is not one of the possible answers is a way to go...is like a child...do you want the blue shirt or the yellow shirt? Do you want Mac and Cheese or Pizza?
I recently had a caregiver counselor remind me that respite care is not for the patient, it's for the caregiver...so you are doing it for you, not for her, and you are making the arrangements so she is taken care of...whether she likes it or not...
Observing, considering, contemplating.....
A caregiver's job should be, imo, to protect the "patient" from undue stress, including
caregiver yelling, screaming, meltdowns, no matter how difficult.
It is doubly hard when it is your mother.
Who yells at a patient, or in front of a patient, sorry, NO, stop that. If I catch myself, I can step outside.
When you find a way to do that, would you let me know your techniques, because I am way too challenged here.
I would go as far as lying to her that you or bro needs a small medical treatment [pick something not too visible] & that it needs to be done soon to prevent a bigger future problem [afterward put a band-aid over your successful whatever] - a possible is thyroid treatment that uses radioactive iodine so you are removing her to a safer place for her benefit - you & bro need to help each other over this issue [shows family harmony/support which all parents want] for the few days
When [not if] she goes then take the first day to sleep - then do something for yourselves in your own interests like a fishing trip, pedicures, nice dinner at a nice restaurant, go to your dentist/doctor, clean her room/the whole house fully & maybe get a cleaning crew to do it - just enjoy the time off because that is when you are recharging your battery for the next haul
Make the decision for them. As mentioned earlier, no more asking.....the answer will always be "no". It is time time to tell and not ask.
Good luck to you and your brother. Your mother is very lucky to have you both. Here on this site, we know it is true. (all of us need to let you know, since your mother's voice can be worth more then one thousand of our voices.)
My mom falls apart when we take her to
respite care so my sister stays with her the whole time and she does well.
Hospice provides her care at no charge for the respite 4 days a month which is
wonderful.
Hospice will let her stay longer but she has to pay for the extra days. If there
is no one of the family who will accompany her to respite, perhaps you and your brother can alternate which of you stays with her and which is off. Once she learns that it works and is fine, then you both be off at the same time. My mom has been going 5 months now and does not panic over it anymore (but my sister still is staying with her).
Before we got respite, I told her that I needed a break ( doctor, dentist, rest, shopping etc), so she
agreed to pay for a caregiver to come 1 day a month to sit with her so I could
have a day off. We were able to find someone who was agreeable with her. This is working well.
In the initial conversation, I told her that the
recommendation is that the caregiver should have 1 day off every week. Then
I said I thought 1 day a month would be enough for me. She agreed to that.
(I read a book on negotiation and it said to ask for way more than you need, then compromise down to your real number.)
When hospice offered respite,
I still kept the 1 day a month. So now I am getting 4 plus 1 each month.
We have found that giving her choices of which she wants lets her feel
respected and that she is still in control of her life decisions. So the choice
is , Do you want to go to a facility, or do you want a care giver to come here?
Do you want to pay for a facility, or do you want to pay for a care giver to come here?
Do you want week days, or do you want a weekend included?
The questions never give the option of saying "No". It is always "Which of these
do you prefer?"
Someone recently said "The choices you make today limit the options you have tomorrow"
The conversation may need to include what options will be available with each
choice in order for her to make the best decision. Sometimes it is hard for them to visualize all the ramifications. Some things that I think are completely obvious are not perceived by others so we have to point out those hidden results.
That is how it worked for my mom, who still has her mind. I do not have any
experience with dementia to share.
God has so many people waiting to help us, I pray for open doors for you to
see and access your angels.
Another option may be for you and your brother to take breaks at different times. This is what my husband and I often do. That being said, we also arrange for breaks together, but not for long stints. A night or two does wonders!
Finally, you may be able to find someone to come into the house and stay for a few days. A relative or friend? There are also many places online where you can find help. I would honestly suggest having someone come in once or twice a week to give your brother a break. He needs it!
Good luck. It is tough to start, it you can do it!
2. Manufacture a crisis. An out-of-town friend in need, a special opportunity to see someone, a health problem of your own (she doesn't need details).
3. If none of these work, I am struck by how often being direct, even blunt, can work. "Mom, I need a break, I need a life, and this is what I am doing. I am doing my best, all the time, for you. Sometimes I can't be there all the time, so these are the arrangements I have made. You might not like it but you will survive it, and I will get to re-charge so that I can resume being your primary caregiver."
4. There will be fallout, of course. She will complain about everything: the people, the food, the room. Let this wash over you like rain, then shake it off. If she starts to repeat, you may have to remind her that she told you all about that already, how awful it was. Tell her to find someone else to complain to about what a horrible daughter you are. With any luck, she will revert to being (somewhat) appreciative, and if not, perhaps the 3rd party can re-direct her to gratitude.
Ash, you and your family need to do it for your own well-being. I would encourage that someone check on her in the facility, to be sure she is being cared for. Hospice will probably recommend that you stay away, but you will want to know that she is doing well there.
Would she understand that it's either 5 days of care she doesn't have to pay for or 5 days of paying for in-home care while you take a break?
I agree with those who say that your necessary time off is not up to her. Perhaps Hospice can get that across to her better than you.
We considered this the best of the few terrible choices we had, and we deliberately put her in the car and took her, me, her only child feeling worse with every minute of the trip.
For the first few days I stayed with her the full day, then went back to work.
Much to our great surprise, she not only “adjusted”, but THRIVED. Her caregivers loved her and she loved them.
We are now caring for her youngest sibling, and have executed the same process. However much we love them we have to keep in mind that doing the best for a loved one with dementia is not the same as doing what they have decided they want.
Hope you and your family find some way to relief soon.
Explain to your Mom that Hospice would like to admit her for a few days to "adjust medications get an accurate weight and monitor her eating" (or whatever therapeutic fib works) just to make sure that everything is going well?
Don't forget Hospice is there to help you as much as it is there to help your Mom.
Just daydreaming about it here, but suppose you suddenly discovered an insect infestation that required the house to be fumigated and therefore vacated for "up to a week." And cross your fingers behind your back.
More generally, and if your mother is too alert to be taken in by this kind of ruse, the thing to concentrate on is that you and your brother ARE doing x, y and z (for which neither of you needs her permission) and therefore a, b, and c arrangements have been made for her meanwhile. The point is to make yourselves the people in need and making choices, rather than her; because if you tell her what she needs to do and what decisions she needs to make you create the opportunity for her to say no. Let her stay in respite care be a natural side-effect of your being away, rather than a condition of your being able to go.
It's a cart before the horse thing, where you and your brother are the horse and your mother is the cart. The horse needs to lie down. It's no use asking the cart about it.
Technically, she does the right to refuse to stay in the facility if she wants. But if you have gone ahead and made the arrangements then once it all starts happening she's going to have her work cut out making them leave her in the house with nobody there to see to her.
You may not be in her good books for a while. But tough. If you and your brother don't get this break it'll get a lot worse than that.
And if you're too frazzled and your brother is too exhausted to go about this in a positive, let's-take-this-in-our-stride way with her, then make the arrangements and ask your hospice provider to do the explaining perhaps.
I will tell you what the director of the Area Agency on Aging tolld me when she decided my mom needed to be "placed."
SHE WILL ADJUST.
I believed her. My mom adjusted. Yes, it took a while. Well worth the courage it took. All is well.
Pull up your big girl panties, get your courage up, and do what needs to be done. Take Harpcat's advice.
And not just for five days--be realistic!!!!!!!!!
would not even consider hiring an aide, caregiver or going some where for us to get away. It was extremely difficult with her negative, criticizing attitude and some of our family still have no idea how much pressure I was under b/c they didn’t want to be involved. I reached a point where I could not handle it any further and had to do what was right for my own health. I really feel for
you and wish you the best.