How can I walk away from caregiving?

Please provide the care you can emotionally and physically safely do and no more. Accept that others won’t agree with your decisions and refuse to engage in discussions or arguments about it. If you are cast as a villain, so be it, make peace with that. Accept your siblings choices also. Fighting over this benefits no one. Sometimes there’s no winning, only making the best choice from a list of not good ones. I wish you peace

He saved for his "retirement" and to provide for himself in his "golden years" not solely to leave an inheritance for you and any siblings.
Tell your brother to go ahead and use your 1/3 and pay for the care that you would provide on your "shifts"
I think if you placed him in Memory Care he would become more involved being around others.
Sell the house, use assets to pay for the best care that he can afford.
It will get to a point where his house will not be appropriate as he declines and will money be used to make the changes needed or will he or I should say his caregivers be forced to care for him in a place that is not safe for his needs at that time.
Tell your brother to do what needs to be done to use your "inheritance" and begin to enjoy your nights and weekends with your friends and family.

The threat to ‘use your third of the inheritance’ is ridiculous. If your fathers has left a will dividing his assets between you, you will get your third whatever they say. If he changes his will to leave you out, he has to be both willing to do it and legally competent, which is doubtful. It’s not under your brothers’ control, and it would be tricky to make the terms vary according to how much had been spent - it would need a lawyer, who won’t be acting for your brothers. If your father dies intestate (without a will), his assets will go according to your state’s law, which will probably mean equally divided between his children as his wife has already died.

If you can’t do the care willingly, just stop. Your brothers can do more themselves, or hire care, but it will come out of the total estate, including their ‘shares’. If they try paying themselves in advance, they will need to OK it with your father', and it would be very tricky in terms of POA responsibilities – you can keep some evidence that they are doing this simply for their money hopes, not for father’s best interest.

Give them the glad tidings that they are talking rubbish.

Tell your dear brothers that you are only going to do your third of the care that was agreed on. That they seem to be slipping away little by little. That you are not losing your marriage over a man that needs more care than you all can give.

Who has POA? If you, get Dad formally diagnosed with Dementia and you make the decisions. If you are not POA, you can file for guardianship and use Dads money to pay for it. A lawyer could verify what I said.

You could walk away and see what happens. If brothers do not walk up to the plate, then call APS and tell them there is money there for Dads care.

Start by taking a long vacation now. The brothers will have to step up or hire help.
Then they will get a better picture of your father's needs.

You don't ask, you tell. Not up for discussion. The vacation starts on (one week from now), for however long you can be gone. (Or, you don't have to go anywhere, but become unfindable).

Be sure to give them a number where you can be reached in an emergency, but have it go to a disconnected phone. This will make your point without the usual argument and threats (being slammed with emotional backlash) from them. Sure, this is extreme, but may be necessary if your brothers are this bad towards you.

If you do not take action right away, your father will decline and taking action like this may interfere with his care.

There are two issues here, that of your burnout and that of the fact mc might be a better environment.

Scaling back your night duties to a third of the month, or eliminating them altogether, woukd increasingly pressure brothers into accepting the solution of mc or making it work without you to the bitter end, making you the bad guy. Other posters are right in saying that no will can now be revised, but it is up to the poa to decide whether he goes to a facility.

So, where would you like to live that is at least 200 miles away? You always have the option of getting out of manipulation and guilting that are used like weapons against you.

Does Dad qualify for Medicaid? If so, you could get him placed in a nursing facility or assisted living (I do not know what level of care he belongs in, but I'm guessing nursing). If not, who is controlling his money? Now that he's incontinent, he is a haz mat danger.

Calling Adult Protective Services may be the best option, but people have been warned on this forum not to back down if they, too, try to manipulate you into being his nurse/caregiver. Just say no and tell them when you will be dropping him off at the ER (that should get them interested because they could be held responsible for his welfare.

The healthy way to care for him, is to FIRST care for yourself. Having him use his funds for care is correct. If he is getting "mean" it is time for Assisted zliving or Skilled Nursing Home care. Dementia and Alzheimer's Disedasr are conditions that require professional care at some point.

Your brothers love him, and yes, they want to inherit. Your father earned the money. It is his for his care first. Who has Durable Power of Attorney? Your father can be declared incompetent by his physician, then that designated person, as Power of Attorney, makes the decisions. If there is no DPOA in place, see an Elder Care lawyer to protect yourself and your family. The lawyer will help you figure it out.

Best Wishes,
A 30+ years licensed Social Worker

If your brothers think he should be kept home, THEY should keep him home not you. What I think is likely going on here, is your brothers are gradually leaving the caregiving situation and making you the 'Designated Caregiver'. You have two siblings yet are covering more than half of the days and duties. They're pushing more of the care on you because you're a woman. This happens all the time. I've been in elder homecare almost 25 years. I had to quit a position because the incontinence just became too much. The client lived with her son and DIL. She was far gone with Alzheimer's and in diapers. Every morning when I came in there would be sh*t smeared all over her, the wall next to her bed, the bedrails, everywhere. Her son and DIL would not change diapers. They also refused to allow the diapers to be taped on and refused to have mitts put on the client at night so she couldn't get in her diaper. Not handling the diaper changing was their boundary. They also wouldn't hire 24-hour care. I went in one morning and was struck dumb by the mess. I called the DIL down (she didn't work) and told her I could not handle the clean-up on my own. She wouldn't help because it was 'my job'. I called an ambulance for the client. She had crap in her mouth and figured the hospital would know better how to handle that. I never went back because the hospital had the client placed against her son's wishes. Give your brothers a two-week notice that you're "quitting" this caregiving position so they have some time to work out who will replace you. Tell your brothers they can take your share of a possible inheritance (I say possible because it's not guaranteed) with your blessing, to pay for your father's care needs.
Your brothers have every right to be angry over possibly having to place your father and to see everything he ever had get handed over. They want to preserve some kind of inheritance for themselves and that's fine. It's not for you though. You do not want to be your father's caregiver. It's your choice and it's okay if you don't want to do it.
Do your brothers know that no amount of money has ever bought back a moment of time?
If they want to sacrifice and be caregivers for what could be years, give them your blessing and let them do it.
Then walk away and leave them to it. Visit your father if you want to but as a daughter and not a caregiver. Good luck.

So many situations described here smell of inheritance concerns by relatives. I would tell them I am going to walk away, walk away, and report your father's situation to the protective services of the aged in your area. It sounds like your relationship with your brothers is difficult; many families fall out permanently about wills and money. It is sad, but frequent, take care of yourself and do, as best you can legally, what is best for your father. They can't beat you up emotionally if you stay away from them.

OK. You chose to help. To lend a hand - but have been pulled deep into the bog. Left to drown. Now ridiculed for wanting a little air to breathe & pushed back in.

Q1 Are you female?

If yes then start here.

"I am NOT a maid to the men of this family. Not for Dad. Not for YOU Brother #1 or YOU Brother #2.

I am DONE with that.

A family home care plan only works when it works for EVERYONE in the plan. It no longer works for me. So it is time for a NEW PLAN.

This is what I am suggesting;
Both brothers need a BIG dose of reality. Starting with;
1. More education on Dementia. What it is. How it progresses.
2. 1. A needs assessment for Dad.
Then re-do the Care Plan based on his needs.

If family cannot provide all the care provided - then non-family help is needed eg hired aides.

From DAD's funds.

NOT from ONLY your share (WT4#@$🤬). Just rediculous.

If/when care needs cannot be met well at home, moving into 24/7 becomes necessary. As you point out, it can bring socialisation which is a plus.

No-one is born knowing this stuff so I give them a tiny little break.. but as my elders would say - they need their heads banged together!

They are willing to let YOU drown in the bog for THEIR inheritance. Downright selfish.

PS Bet they are calling YOU selfish for stepping back, right?

You can't control how your brothers respond. If your main concern is how they feel, then you need to just continue what you're doing.

If your priority is your health, your state of mind and your marriage.... then do a little homework and find some great memory care options that are close by. Have that information at the ready, then politely tell your brothers that you are stepping out of the caregiving rotation because you think everyone including your dad would benefit from dad going to a memory care facility. At that point they have two options...they can now split the care between the two of them (which I don't think they will do for long) or they will move him to a facility.

If they get belligerent, just calmly tell them if getting an inheritance takes priority over what's best for dad and what's best for the three of you, then have at it.

I am not trying to down play the work it will take to move dad to MC. Finances have to be taken into consideration, selling his home if he has one, etc... I don't know how aware your father is, but he may fight you on the move. There is still much work to be done that you can assist with, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Your brothers will TRY to make you feel the villain.

The trick is not to care what they TRY.

You know that being in Memory Care with professional help and supervision will be better for dad. "The boys" want what's better for THEM and their purses.

They are selfish pigs. You should tell them so when you give notice.

Stop killing yourself and killing your marriage in order to enrich them.

It's quite simple.... tell brothers as of( certain date) you willl no longer be helping out. Give them plenty of time to find help or whatever and stick to your plan. As far as inheritance, if you're parent has a will, legally they can't use all your inheritance because proceeds after death and all bills paid, I'm assuming will be divided equally? Let them whine and cry. Enjoy your time away.

I am not a caregiver so i will speak as the patient that i will surely be.

i am fortunate to have longterm insurance for my husband and myself but it costs more than i can afford so i am working in my 80s. But i am determined that we will not live with my daughter or her kids.

thats what facilities are for.

there is no reason why the facility has to be a bad one. There is no reason why family members cant do body checks for family members there for bedsores or bad food or conditions or care.

i do not believe that family members need to give over their lives to care for others no matter how they love them. I truly believe that care that is received in that instance can be substantially worse than finding a good facility.

This comment has been deleted...I pressed "Post" twice.

First of all...YOU are correct in saying that it would be better for your father to be in a really excellent, vetted, researched Memory Care facility. Don't get me wrong...you would have to continue to ADVOCATE for your father with whatever care facility he is in because the state of memory care facilities and their reputations are NOT very positive. We (me and my wife) have been going through this with my sweet mom for the last four years. Mom lived with us for 8 months but wanted her own place (after moving to Florida from Texas), so I found a great assisted living facility (it was around $5,400 per month). I have POA and my sis is second but we are in such agreement when it comes to the care and advocacy for our mom. Anyway, I used the money from the sale of her home in Dallas for the last four years because it's HER MONEY. My sis and I want nothing other than the best care for our mom that we can get. I see my mom every day for lunch (my sis lives in TN and visits often). Eventually, mom's level of care (advanced Alzheimers) meant a move to a Memory Care facility. Then after a fall and mismanaged leg wound, mom had surgery, had 105 days in rehab and is now in a wonderful 24/7, highly reputable skilled nursing care facility. All along the journey, I've had to deal with lazy staff, and poor policies and procedures, and feel like I've had to do their jobs for them at times...but my mom is more than worth it. So when you talk about being tired...I KNOW exactly what you mean. I'm afraid to mention this...but sometimes family members try to spend as least as possible for elderly moms/dad's care in the unspoken hopes of receiving a little money (or a lot) once mom/dad is gone. I'm NOT saying that's the case with your brothers...but they need to realize that the three of you have lives (and probably families) of your own and your dad WILL get to the point of needing 100%, 24/7 care and THAT is what the 'inheritance' needs to be spent on. Imagine the relief all three of you would have when you're able to take turns visiting for a few hours each day rather than having to provide the 24/7 care yourself!! NOT TO MENTION...a professional care facility will know what is BEST for your dad as long as you CONTINUE TO ADVOCATE for him on his behalf and hold ALL STAFF MEMBERS from the Administrator on down to a HIGH LEVEL of expectant professional, trained, consistent care!! Trust me...THAT will be a job in itself for you and your brothers. I had to take pictures and testimony to the Executive Leadership of the memory care facility my mom was in and after a group meeting, discussion, etc., the facilities administrator, the director of nursing, and two other nurses were fired. I made it very CLEAR to the executive leadership of the corporation (they have many memory care facilities), that either things change or I WOULD take it to the next level (massive lawsuit on behalf of my mom AND every resident of the facility where she was at). I NEVER wanted money out of it for myself, I wanted...DEMANDED a greater level of care, consistency, and staff accountability and that's what I got. The facility is much better now although my mom is in a 24/7 skilled nursing facility now. ALL OF THIS TO SAY, I UNDERSTAND where you're coming from and I believe YOU are right. Your dad needs social interaction with others who are in a similiar condition. He needs professional staff with targeted daily skills and routines to help him through this very difficult time. Alzheimer's can be a quick, life-ending disease...OR it can last for YEARS AND YEARS. Once your "dad's money" is spent down, you can apply for Medicaid. Also, get an attorney and have a "Care and Assistance" contract drawn up where you and your brothers 'can' be paid for the caregiving you are providing...and your dad will qualify for Medicaid sooner. BEST OF LUCK to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! So many of us living through the same time with our sweet, amazing parents!

I can only assume your brothers want to preserve THEIR supposed inheritance. I hope your Dad's financial affairs were in order before his Alzheimers diagnosis (will, POA, etc). My philosophy was whatever money or assets my parents accumulated during their lifetime was to go to their care in their elder years. You sound the same way.

Tell your brothers in bo uncertain terms that while you care about Dad, YOUR mental and physical health must now take priority. No ifs, ands or buts. You've suggested excellent care plans for him at a lovely nearby memory care facility. They don't want to hear it because they feel the memory care facility will take Dad's SS and pension (which they will) in order to pay for his care. Who is Dad's POA? Who is Executor of Dad's will? How involved are you in Dad's financial affairs? Getting Dad placed into Memory Care and all the legal and financial issues that go with it can be daunting. It's not just a matter of picking out a nice place and dropping Dad off. Some ONE needs to coordinate all of this and it sounds like your brother's are totally opposed to it.

So if you are ready to get really involved in getting Dad to a safe environment, know it will be difficult mentally draining to deal with all of this. You will need a really supportive spouse. If you're ready to walk away, walk away. Caregiving can be rewarding but horrendous at the same time.

Your brothers aren't getting it, especially when you say you're doing 1/2 the work and they are only doing 1/4 each. Not fair. You must sit down as siblings and discuss this in a calm manner. Ask them why they want to keep Dad at home. Then listen to their answers. They will reveal the real reasons why they want to keep him at home: $$$ and/or their potential "inheritance". It's certainly NOT to keep Dad safe, clean, and well fed. THAT'S the real reason you should insist upon.

If they cannot see that, then you need to make a tough decision. (1) Leave Dad to THEIR care or (2) take steps to make yourself Dad's "legal guardian" with court papers (not inexpensive as you should be employing a qualified elder law atty) and take over ALL aspects of Dad's financial life and medical care and get him placed in an appropriate memory care facility. Not easy but doable. Your choice. And don't feel guilty about either choice. You want what's best for your Dad. Period.

BurntCaregiver: "What I think is likely going on here, is your brothers are gradually leaving the caregiving situation and making you the 'Designated Caregiver'. You have two siblings yet are covering more than half of the days and duties. They're pushing more of the care on you because you're a woman. This happens all the time. "

YES YES YES!!! Have you been keeping track of the extra hours you've been covering for your brothers? If so, then make them make those hours up before you do another shift. And THEN (when they have made up all the hours they owe you) announce your plan to step away entirely. They deserve this for their despicable plan to make YOU the fulltime caregiver.

I agree with what many have said here. You are the female so it presumed that you will take up the caregiver title. Wrong. Your siblings seem to be concerned about their inheritance. As far as I'm concerned, unless your last name is Gates, Dupont or something in that socio economic group, the word inheritance should be removed from your vocabulary. I hate to remember the number of families that sat in my office arguing amongst themselves about keeping their parent (who was usually bedridden, incontinent, a 2 person assist (sometimes even with a hoyer), unable to self feed, sometimes dementia demonstrating) at home or placing them in a facility for skilled nursing because they might have to sell the parent's home and pay the facility instead of being able to sell it and enjoy the profit once the parent was dead. Seriously??!! It took all my training to refrain from slapping them. And what were we talking about ..... not even a million dollars. Mom and Pop's money is supposed to be used for their living expenses.... just like it would be if they were still in a house with a mortgage on it.
Make your brother's step up to the plate and do their fair share but if they do or don't.... I would let them know they can have my third of the fabulous inheritance because I'm out. I will happily visit periodically where I can be a daughter, not a caregiver. You need to love yourself first (that is what your parent would want you to do) and take care of your family.

Sorry you are going through this but you will make it. Hugs and Peace.

talk with eldercare attorney especially if there no POA in existence. That needs to be first thing. do assessment of resources - money, property, etc. so you know what you have to work with.
Does he live alone? His doctors can help with this.
Most families have one sibling [usually a sister] while everyone needs to work together to develop a plan for care. It may be helpful to have a third party to help with this.
you need to take care of yourself and your family first.

Family can be so fickle.. ughhh!! Do what’s in your mind to do. A different type of care can take stress off of you. Just be firm and stick to your guns as it’s said. Start making the plans to take him to that place you spoke of. Just do it!! You have to “show” your family your grit!! Don’t feel guilty either.. when you know you can no longer give the care he needs and you’re making it possible for him to get care elsewhere, then you are being responsible. Just go visit him😊

If in fact the brothers are just trying to preserve assets for inheritance you do not need to cater to their 'preferences'; all you need to do is make sure your father is properly cared for to the end of his days. Protect yourself and your dad legally and let the chips fall where they may; you've already said you're OK with your 'third' going for father's care, so be it. Just protect your father, and thereby yourself so that your conscience is clean. The brothers may have a 'cow' now but may one day realize their selfishness, or not; that's not your problem, it's theirs. Disentangle yourself from this 'family drama' by simplifying: father's care is the priority.

I think, they know it is not going to effect your inheritance, but if paying for Dad’s care it will diminish theirs.
They take advantage of you, you working 50% they 25% each. You already deserve to be paid for additional 25%, yet, you are being vilified.
Keep record of hours and have somebody verify them, like your husband if you are away from home and at Dad’s, then confort them with facts.

Sorry for your intense and complex situation. Who has POA in this equation? And would your brothers agree to visit the facility to consider this option? I agree with you that your father needs specialized skilled memory care 24/7. These units have the most trained personnel and expertise to handle such residents. I applaud your efforts and courage. You and your marriage are vitally important and should be top priority. And do your brothers have spouses/families? I was a long distance caregiver for over a year and finally moved Mom to skilled nursing in a beautiful continuing care facility closer to where my husband and I live. Our marriage has suffered throughout, and I feel torn and burnt-out, so you are not alone in your feelings. I have been made the villain too as I was not in a position to bring Mom to our home for a number of valid reasons. However, my Mom's sister's daughter has her living in her home. My Mom is jealous of this situation and feels I should be doing the same for her (my cousin is not married and she and her mother lived together for years prior to her illness.) And Mom cared for her mother for years, so she is of this generation that felt it was their duty and calling to do so. I have had to bear the burden as my only sibling does not live nearby and only calls Mom for holidays. He at least is understanding and supportive of my situation, which you do no seem to have with your siblings. You are not alone in your feelings and we are all her for you. Reach out whenever you need some emotional support and advice. God bless!

Bowie4life, I hope you are feeling a less alone now.

25 answers - I didn't see even one that said, keep going, let the 'mission creep' keep creeping, do it your brothers' way, they have the right to direct this, you need to be quiet & do more. Put their needs before your own household's.

Lead, Follow or Get (outta the way).

You were following but hopefully can see you have 2 other choices here.

Bowie4Life: Prayers sent.

You can not force your brothers into action unless you have power of attorney or know your father is being abused. You can tell them the date you are "quitting as caregiver" and will only be able to visit him occasionally.

No one can make you feel that way unless you allow them to! I think a Caretakers meeting will really help you . You are NOT alone. There are great numbers of people going thru similar things. Learning more about the disease may help you understand that it is progressive. As more parts of the brain fail personalities change. Sitting and watching TV might be all he can do these days . Who’s home is he living in ? Is his estate paying $$ to help pay for those house hold bills ? His brain is broken and will never repair its self . I’m 5 years into Caregiving and truly believe the meetings have saved my sanity. I don’t have to worry about any one else pushing my buttons. There isn’t anyone else interested in helping. You can not Make anyone do anything. I do the best I can do to keep my man safe . When the time comes to place him in a community to keep him safe , I will do it . I have a durable Power of Attorney the decisions about his care, are mine. It would be great to be able to force others to give a hand but the only one I have to answer to is myself . One of the largest problem is we forget to take care of ourselves. The thought of being blackmailed about an inheritance is enlightening . Any money that is on hand should be spent on Dads safety and comfort . Yes, it would be nice to leave our kids something when we pass but at what price for the heirs ??? Broken relationships with siblings and spouse ? Long term therapy ? Guilt that we didn’t do enough ? Resentment because we did so much ?
I think ???, if Dads will is written that everything will be split equally ( when he passes) I think that threat can be ignored.
If concerned check it out with an attorney.
No one can be expected to do more than they are capable of doing . You have to take as good of care for your self as you do with dad. Think of this , if you fell of the face of the earth today, someone would pick up the slack tomorrow.
Prayers are with you .. There are caretakers meeting on line . Check with your local council on aging or call the Alzheimer’s association 24/7 hot line. 1 800 272 3900.