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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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His brain is broken. Do you think he's doing it on purpose?
Try to talk to him as though he is understanding. You don't know what's getting through, so just keep treating him like a human being. Just don't expect responses.
Sadly, that is exactly what Alz patients do. He isn't trying to irritate you, he simply can no longer follow a conversation.
You treat him like you always did---hopefully that was by being nice. Sounds like you no longer live with him, so you are dealing with 2 losses--his companionship and his mind. No one will say this is easy or fun. You are grieving for the man he was and never will be again. This is very hard.
I think you relate in much the same way you do with very small children who haven't yet learned to talk; with touch and actions and you doing all the talking. I found it easier to visit with my mom during her meal times, I could always prattle on about the food and the people in the dining room and since she needed to be fed it also gave me the assurance she was actually getting one meal a day. Going outside for walks (I walked, she was in a wheelchair) was also a good way to do something for her that she wouldn't have been able to do otherwise, and it was easier to carry on a one way conversation about what I saw.
The responses that suggest visiting at mealtimes and taking him out for walks I am going to try and implement. The latter, I think, will be much easier in a wheelchair. Sadly, he used to enjoy seeing our dog, but on the last visit had no reaction at all. I didn't mention it, but my three surviving children are little consolation or solace. Yes, loss of his companionship and fine mind (full-tuition scholarship alum of Harvard College) is damned rough.
‘Visiting at mealtimes’ also means that you can do the feeding, if she needs to be fed. It’s a slow process, the staff will be grateful, you get a good idea that’s she’s eating enough, and it’s something to take up the time. You can chat between mouthfuls.
In the later stages of AD, your husband will respond to your body language and facial expressions only; not the words you use which he can likely no longer comprehend. Send him signals through your tone of voice and relaxed attitude, as well as the smile on your face. You are not trying to 'relate' to him anymore; you are just trying to keep him comfortable and happy, in reality. He may not even realize you're his wife at this juncture, but just someone who makes him feel good, which is your whole goal. When he sees you, you want him to brighten up and feel happy, that's all. Positive body language, a sense of calmness & perhaps a hug will do a whole lot more for your husband than any words can possibly accomplish. Put aside the sense that you have to make him understand you, or that you have to have a 'conversation' with him; that's no longer feasible, unfortunately.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Dementia is a cruel thief. Your frustration is part of your grief. Good suggestions already posted. If his hearing is ok, music sometimes reaches through the dementia damage and elicits a response - movement of the head or fingers, small smile, etc. It is hard to start to build a life without him, but if you can add one or two weekly activities for yourself with other people around, that will help you have people around you, even if not for the wonderful conversations that you once shared with your spouse. Exercise, book group, etc. Also a support group for family members who are caregivers - and you are still his caregiver.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Try to talk to him as though he is understanding. You don't know what's getting through, so just keep treating him like a human being. Just don't expect responses.
You treat him like you always did---hopefully that was by being nice. Sounds like you no longer live with him, so you are dealing with 2 losses--his companionship and his mind. No one will say this is easy or fun. You are grieving for the man he was and never will be again. This is very hard.
I found it easier to visit with my mom during her meal times, I could always prattle on about the food and the people in the dining room and since she needed to be fed it also gave me the assurance she was actually getting one meal a day. Going outside for walks (I walked, she was in a wheelchair) was also a good way to do something for her that she wouldn't have been able to do otherwise, and it was easier to carry on a one way conversation about what I saw.
So, I just sit in her EZ chair, and read. She mostly stares at the ceiling.
She does thank me for coming, so I know she values the visit. I bet your husband does, as well.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Good suggestions already posted.
If his hearing is ok, music sometimes reaches through the dementia damage and elicits a response - movement of the head or fingers, small smile, etc.
It is hard to start to build a life without him, but if you can add one or two weekly activities for yourself with other people around, that will help you have people around you, even if not for the wonderful conversations that you once shared with your spouse. Exercise, book group, etc. Also a support group for family members who are caregivers - and you are still his caregiver.