After a year of marriage, my husband and I allowed my mom to move in with us. She is 63 and has dementia. This is a fairly new diagnosis. It's been about three weeks and we have been struggling to find alone time together. She gets upset when we go places alone or when I go to pick him up from work and leave her. I cannot control where she goes and what she does. As seriously as I take the reality of the pandemic, I can see she is a Covid case/asymptomatic carrier waiting to happen. Any advice? We both work, so she is alone during the day. She is okay enough that she finds things to do while we are gone, but gets manipulative when we try and leave her to go on a date. Do other couples struggle with this? How do you handle it? I don't want to feel guilty about leaving her, but at the same time, I don't want my marriage to suffer either.
Remember that your marriage needs to come first. Otherwise, your mother will likely seep into every aspect of your life to the point where you will have NO life except for looking after her.
Look into alternative living arrangements for her so that Plan B can be utilized if/when the time comes.
Don't automatically poo-poo that idea away. Make sure you prioritize your marriage and keep it fun and alive. Whatever it takes. If that means going away for long weekends while you still CAN, before your mother requires you to be home 24/7, then do it! We have one gal who posts here who has created a sex closet (literally) to escape her mother's prying eyes and ears. That's the only place she and her hubby can go for privacy. Like I said, things can go south in a hurry when dementia is involved!
Wishing you the very best of luck and inventiveness when it comes to keeping your marriage alive and your mother in line with lots of boundaries! Set them down NOW~~~while she's still cognizant enough to understand them!
You have to remember that she is now living in YOUR house, and you and your husband need quality time together away from mom, to sustain and nourish your new marriage. Being a caregiver is hard and it can be especially hard on a marriage if you don't take the steps now to make sure your marriage stays on track. Best wishes.
As your mom progresses she will need someone with her.
My mom was okay being left when she first moved in, as she worsened I contacted Council on Aging for assistance to be with her. Mom enjoyed their company.
Is your mom lonely or has she always been controlling? Is she afraid?
Tell us a bit more about her personality.
Best wishes to you and your family.
My Mother does not like to be alone. Anxious +++++ calls out if Dad is in another room. Always been anxious & never has lived alone, taken a trip alone etc. But now, with aging & other issues I think it's a survival thing. She knows she needs others around.
Talk with her & her Doctor about this. Maybe some mild meds may work?
But also, for the longer term view, maybe a move into assisted living may be considered as a solution? She has company. You get a marriage.
Moms Dementia will progress to the point you cannot leave her. Dementia is an unpredictable desease. In early stages, one day they seem normal, next day not so much. With my Mom her decline was monthly but she was in her late 80s too.
I would not approach Mom with "my house my rules". But I would try to make her understand that you need alone time with ur husband. This maybe hard, the ability to reason is one of the first things to go. As is being able to process what is being said. They become like small children. Setting boundries may eventually be hard because of short-term loss. And since Mom has always been this way, it will be hard to change her. So u change you.
Just like a child, you say "DH and I are going out on a date. We should be back about 9 pm. Will see you then." then walk out the door. Don't try to placate her. Just walk out the door. As time goes on, u may have to hire a sitter.
You have taken on a big responsibility for anyone more so because u are newly weds. You may want to start looking into resources. If Mom has money, then an AL. She will need more and more care. If u don't have it, get POA while she understands what she is doing.
EDIT*** I also recommend looking into a security system because as it progresses you will learn about sun downing and My grandfather has walked out of the house at night before and we have found him down the road, just a tip
You are probably going to have to find someone to come sit with her while you guys have a break. Check with your church they often have volunteers for this. Also check the local Senior support resources they often have people willing to help. BUT you may end up paying some one.
Caregivers need breaks, that is all their is to it. If you cant get her to cooperate than she is just going to have to have her fits.
At some point you will have to decide what is your priority your Mother or your Marriage. If after you just read this line you hesitated about your Marriage. I can tell you the Marriage is lost.
My wife strung me along for years and I was stupid enough to take it. Now im 64 and by myself. She should have been truthful with me and ended it 15 years ago. And I should of not kept wanting to believe her.
Your Mother is not going to suddenly get better and say "oh I'm fine you guys don't worry about me" So if you have not, you need to start planning now for how your going to move her to the next stage which is most likely a facility
are for her enjoyment while you do some "tasks she would not be interested it," She may come to look forward to your date nights rather than be sullen that you are not taking her with you.
See All Answers