How do I acquire more patience taking care of my father in law when I don't like him as a person?

You can not erase what your past relationship with your father in law. It is in your brain forever. Even when you forgive him. This will bring you some relief. You are not a caregiver. Caregivers have a mentality that is different than yours. Your father in law also has the past in his mind and you need to quit trying to change him. It will not work. You are talking about the stress you are experiencing of just having him in your house not to mention what you need to be doing for him. This will get worse and will lead to neglect, verbal and physical abuse. Hopefully you can avoid probate when he passes. Get him out of your house. There is a senior care specialist that will help you. My years as a A.P.S. worker and a Deputy Public Guardian gives me insight for you.

Your FIL is NOT your priority. Your priority is your kids. Your FIL's care rests 1000% with your husband. Time to separate. FIL goes into his own living arrangement or you take the kids and leave.

Sounds like you have way too much on your plate.  Either speak with hubby about placing your FIL into a NH where he can get the care he needs without worrying about your mental health and possibly saying/doing something you will regret.  You can visit when allowed, use his money to find him a place (NH), speak with Elder attorney to see what can be done.  Who has POA?  but for you and your immediate family you need to take care of YOU...........find him a place.  That way he can be rude and mean all he wants at the other place and YOU won't feel guilty.  If you don't do something soon.......YOU will become ill.......will hubby step up then and help out or will you run yourself so far into the ground that you can't get up.  Sorry it might sound mean, but your FIL needs to be placed into a NH and soon.  Wishing you luck.

I had a similar situation when my dad passed and my mom was alone, out of state, and in a home to large for her. She wanted to spend at least a year on her own to see if she could handle things by herself after 52 years of marriage, before she considered moving in with me and my family. She could not, and I knew that would be the case. She was about 76 at the time and NOT diagnosed with dementia. Same thing, I thought it would be great for the kids(her grandkids), and maybe even help me with things around the house like gardening, etc. We gave her the entire lower level like you did, including a cute kitchenette, walking out to her own patio area. She moved in, tolerated it all for about 1-2 years with us and little by little I saw her declining. Changing doctors because she didn’t want their tests (to diagnose her), trouble comprehending, using me as the battering ram, and frankly, it just became more difficult for me. She had no other place to go, cut off all ties with my only other sibling, never appreciated all the work I did online for her, driving her, finding her knew doctors, you name it. By the end of the 2 years she started creating chaos in our family, wanting her way, being hurtful to all of us, and never really helping me with anything but creating more work instead. Basically I became her personal assistant, never mind the fact I have a husband and two active children. At the end of the 2 years my husbands office moved to another state and we had to as well, like your story. Boy that was hard. We had to find a house big enough for her to stay out of our hair yet still afford it. She never gave us any $ the entire time she was with us. So, God had His hand in our situation and we found a nice home with a large room for her, sitting area to set up a TV, a walk in closet, and her own bathroom. Why couldn’t she be happy. Like most caregivers, she sucked the joy out me and I didn’t like who I became either. Her anger, defiance, selfishness, all consumed her and she didn’t feel appreciated. Of course I knew these were all signs of dementia but I could not get a doctor to assess her. Nonetheless, it was my husband who was patient, and a third party bystander. He was seeing how my personality was changing and physically how it was taking a toll on me. It was him that ‘had a talk with her’. Down here in the South we say ‘a coming to Jesus meeting’. She didn’t like how it all made her feel, but within a week, she called old friends up where she use to live out of state, and made arrangements behind my back to move out and go live with them. ??? Yes, shes almost 80 now and not as fragile as I thought. Two weeks later I’m driving her to the airport shaking my head because there’s nothing I can do, but secretly glad it’s happening. I told her if she leaves she can NOT come back. She paid that friend of hers over $500/month to live in a tiny bedroom and I guarantee she held her tongue and lived peacefully as she could. So my point in all this is, maybe it’s time for your husband, as much as he doesn’t want to be involved, steps in on your behalf and sets boundaries and/or gives the alternatives, perhaps another family members home, AL, etc. You can’t get past what results from dementia because he’s living with you and a family member- to personal. Have your husband help you get out of this as best possible to save your marriage, sanity, and recreate a peaceful happy home again. Things change, forget you did the asking. You re-evaluated the situation, now think of the changes best for you and your family. Sounds like you already did your best to no avail. Blessings!

My earlier answer seems to be misunderstood. You aren't doing anything wrong, it's FIL. If he remains stubborn then send him to an old folks home. He needs care that you probably don't want to provide at your own expense of sanity. This is just a situation where the person's habits are just unbearable.

You don’t, unless you’re aiming for sainthood.

Imho, you are a STELLAR caregiver thus far, but you require respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, a church program, et al - all hinging on the Novel Coronavirus. You may come to a time when you will have to relocate your FIL, especially with your OWN parents needing care quite soon. You simply cannot be a super human. You are the one in charge, not your FIL. Prayers sent.

My dear soul, never should you have taken on the burdens of bringing them into your home. You see what problems it caused. And this man is not a nice person and is most difficult and causing problems. And your husband never had a good relationship either. The man has dementia which will get worse and you are concerned about being a good and nice person? My god, what on earth do you care about that given how this man is acting (and I don't care if he has dementia - it is unacceptable no matter what or why) and what your husband endured. Don't give a second thought to being kind and good. Either you set very strong boundaries and make sure they are enforced (which might be impossible), get medications to help (which probably won't work), or place him in a facility. You and your husband do NOT owe this man anything. Place him and lead a normal life - without this man. Don't wait.

Your choices are to have him move out or put up with him. He is not going to change. You could give him an ultimatum that if he does not change he is gone. He will fail it, but at least you will have given him a chance. You have your own parents to deal with.

God bless you. I just lost my Mom due to Covid-19 contracted from a skilled nursing facility that complicated her dementia issues.
My Mom and I clashed often during a 4.5+ year span after my father passed away in 2016.
We too shared love at the end of the day but I was constantly checking myself when responding to her behavior. I got better at accepting things for what they were... She wasn't clinically diagnosed with dementia until December 2020.
Make sure that you are never too hard on yourself. You have taken on a very difficult position, as you well know.
My Mom was finally diagnosed after she had called the police several times about being threatened by delusional voices from outside and then taking a fall on December 1, 2020. Her dementia was on full display to trauma center staff and then to skilled nursing facility staff.
My Mom is now at peace and I am too. She was experiencing a miserable existence and she is now free from that.
Please take care of yourself. The decisions that you make regarding your FIL will be the best that you can possibly make no matter what.
The road is filled with imperfections from all parties that will be involved.
We are only human.

Giving is better than receiving. BUT
in some cases, when you truly can’t find it in your heart to caregiver, there is always the word NO.
I have a lot of days where I know my mom deserves better, but I’ll pray and do a mood change (sometimes requires a glass of wine) and I try to put myself in her shoes- or slipper socks to be more accurate.
If you really hate it, work on finding someone else for him.
My grandpa preferred another male to help him. That could be the trick.
Old people don’t want to feel like burdens and our own attitudes towards them can make it worse. Then we wonder why they are cranky.
Tackle trials with smiles.

This is a moment of grace that you are sharing with your FIL, husband and yourself.
This may be more for YOU than it is for him, but you have a chance to change your heart and mind to love someone who is unloveable.
You will be showing your husband ( who could also be doing this, and stepping up to help HIS father) and your children what kindness looks like. ( e.g. Think of your kids, they don't like homework, but it's something that has to be done, and isn't it better for everyone if it's done without complaining and tears?). Do the same thing with your FIL.
What a horrible challenge and what a wonderful opportunity to show love.

Resentments wear out the mind and body and will make you sick. Persons with those character traits are miserable. Who knows what might have happened in their life that he was unable to cope with? When we expect someone to be different than they are we are setting up resentments to be born and nurtured. You can set behavior boundaries sometimes depending on the progressive level of the disease process. If he is able to talk about himself, it might let go of his frustrations but you also run the risk of escalating them. It would be good if you were able to get some relief and get out away from him on a regular basis. Home care services can be hired to come in. Observe the person from an emotional distance instead of becoming emotionally tied to his behavioral states.

You aren't the one that needs to change. FIL needs to change.

I am worried about the number of women who write in about caring for their inlaws. Your inlaws are the primary responsibility of your husband and his siblings; not yours. Early in our marriage, my husband and I came to an agreement that I care for mine and he is responsible for his. We both had difficult mothers that we set strong boundaries with early on, including the fact that we would not be taking care of parents in our home due to child responsibilities and very stressful careers. Our goal was to ensure that our parents were well taken care of by others in whatever way fit their lifestyle and finances and we would provide added support when needed. This is not the 1950's where women were the primary caregivers. We have jobs, children, spouses, and ourselves to care for. Start these conversations early with your spouses and parents in hopes of preventing the crisis that this woman and so many others find themselves in. VirginaMom of 5, it is time to sit down with your husband and have a frank conversation about what the caring of your FIL is doing to your marriage and family life. Discuss other options for his care outside the home and be firm in setting boundaries. There is no reason that you are obligated to personally care for him. Your husband has the obligation to discuss boundaries and options with his Dad; not you.

When my MIL moved across country suddenly to be near us and away from her "ungrateful" daughter who "didn't have time for her". I wept. We were the good kids for a nano second and she began to find fault with US. She moved into a house about 5 minutes away. We were working full time...my husband had a part time evening job too. Two kids, etc. First thing: two elderly aunts on my husband's side cornered us at a wedding and warned my husband to NOT let my MIL ruin our marriage. Thankfully, he listened. He cared for her, dropped by several times a day, but told her NOT to come by our house without calling. I helped out too ...my own mother was having issues as well. Our son moved in with her for a few years to keep an eye out, take her to appointments, fix meals, manage meds, etc. Finally, when she became too ill to manage on her own, she went into care. Enough is enough. Talk with your husband and make new arrangements. If you become ill, then what? Wishing you the best!

Oh I’m so sorry to hear that all the best thing I can tell you is pray that’s what I do my mother is the same selfish ungrateful unkind mean I can go on she has dementia praying is the only thing that helps me and when it gets too bad I just have to leave say mom I got to go best of luck to you it’s so great to have these websites we can go to to help each other God bless you

It sounds like you need some help, too! If you get burned out, you'll not be able to care for yourself or others. Your first responsibility is to your husband and family. Dementia can get worse, and he may require more care in the future. Could you handle that? It may be time to re-evaluate his living situation. Can you get aides to help, so that you get breaks? Is it time for him to move to assisted living? Can you and your husband talk to him to see how he feels about it? Some people prefer assisted living, as they will have people around them their own age. If his dementia is severe, he may not understand or be able to think logically about this. Get connected with a social worker and elder support groups in your neighborhood so that you know what your options are. When someone has dementia, their personality can change, although it sounds like he was always like you describe. You can't take things personally. There may be a time when he won't even recognize you and your husband. My mother with advanced dementia can't do anything for herself. She needs to be fed, needs assistance going to the bathroom, showering, can't walk any more and has to go around in a wheel chair, etc. Try not to feel guilty about your decision. Situations change and you have to be realistic about how much you can handle.

I can't begin to imagine all that you're juggling. I barely have a sample portion of your situation. My mom lives with us (since October) and has dementia, Alzheimer's, and post covid affects. She needs assistance for a lot of tasks, but tries to hold on to her independence. My husband and my mom don't have a good history. She's been cold towards him from the beginning. (My 2nd marriage & she preferred my ex)... My husband takes things personal as if intentionally against him. Although my mom tries to do better, her memory is getting worst. I'm trying to make the most of these final years but it's not easy. I ask myself what matters more. I try to balance church, family, work, and home. My home is usually last on the list, so my house is a mess, which disturbs my husband. I feel like a hamster on a wheel I really would like my husband to be more involved to help me with my mom rather than to expect more of me. My suggestion is to have tasks deligated. Maybe children and spouse can help? No one wants dementia or Alzheimer's and the person had no choice but to accept it. Aging can be scary... Final years, no longer enjoying life, and dependant of others. Try to look past the actions and make the time memorable for those who will remember the time shared.

Praying for patience is always tough because we aren't really sure we want it, but it's a worthy prayer. May God bless you and give you the grace you need as you work to care for so many others.

You haven’t mentioned anything about your husband and how he’s helping to care for his father. All I hear is that you’re the project manager & flunkie in this situation. I could be wrong (and I don’t mean for this to come across harsh) but it sounds to me that there is multi level highly unhealthy codependent behaviors going on here to your family’s detriment. Why are you sacrificing the overall health of your marriage & children to this man? Before you know it, your children will be grown and gone. At some point, they’ll figure out that their parents should have protected them from this toxicity, but instead, they came last.

Hi, Mom!

Everyone here is giving good advice and I hope I won't over-step when I weigh in on this too.

First, you are NOT being an a******!! You have a husband and kids (and yourself!)--all of you need to come first. My FIL was EXACTLY like you describe. When he got sick after my MIL died, I told my husband I would take him and I still had two children at home. He said no. He told me that a man like that would ruin my life and our marriage and he wasn't willing to do that. My FIL went into a facility, and my husband was right. He tortured everyone who ever cared for him, calling them the names he used to reserve for the women in the family.

Some people can't be helped. Some don't appreciate the help given. You've done your stint in hell. Think of how differently you'd feel if he were different. You'd still be exhausted--you do a LOT. But you would be calmer, happier, and feel better about yourself than you do now. He brought a lot of this on himself.

Please take care of yourself.
--Essie

Maybe view the situation with a different perspective. It's so extremely difficult to care for someone I know, but maybe because of your feeling of dislike for him at least you perhaps don't feel the overwhelming sense of sadness, loss, and even depression that one usually experiences if they love the person.

I am living in this type of situation with one twist. Both parents are still in their own home. My husband and I have supported them for 7, going on 8 yrs now. It’s progressed to 24/7 care using outside caregivers and ourselves. We live 70 miles from them so it’s been a constant commute for one or both of us on top of still working professional jobs. Family who live in the area refuse to take responsibility beyond getting their groceries. One parent is a Jekyll and Hyde - often great to converse with but doesn’t hold the right people accountable. So when we set limits or legitimately complain we are “punished” with name calling, silent treatment, gaslighting, manipulation and other forms of emotional/psych abuse. We have reached our limit. Sad, but it’s come down to “them or us”. With Covid vaccine beginning to be distributed we are hoping there are safe options now in facilities. We’ve begun our search, and set a time limit for April 1. With experience I can tell you, you can do it for a long time when you are a compassionate, strong person, but that doesn’t mean you have to, or should. I cannot imagine not having a home to escape to. I know I have done the impossible and yet I have a limit. At this point, it’s negatively affecting our health and well being and every aspect of our life. It’s time to stop. You need to know where YOUR line is. You also must protect yourself - you do not have to care for someone who is hurting you. There are many ways to compassionately support him from afar. Good luck. I’ve said a little prayer for you!

Your FIL will not be changing for the better, especially with Dementia.

It's hard enough to take care of someone that you like and love.

Depending on his dementia, you might try talking to him and letting him know he needs to start acting differently if he's going to continue living with you.

You can only pray real hard and try to let what he says go thru one ear and out the other.

Maybe he's bored?

Try to have things for him to do.

Pain't by number

Color

Play with kids magnetic blocks

Have a pet.

Play music he likes in his room.

Let him look at old family pictures.

See if your can get a family member to take him for the Weekend to give you a break.

Hire a Caregiver to come by once a day for 2-4 hrs or a couple times a week for a couple hrs.

Prayers

You don't develop more patience - you accept you made an error trying to do the best thing and he has to move out. Where to depends on his needs for care, but he is not your responsiblity. Personally I think your husband must be a saint to have gone along with you and allowed them to move in in the first place - its time to worry about your husband and move this man out of your lives.
Am I hard about this - YES - having grown up in a household with a mother like your husband's father I still tried to do the right thing and have her to live with us when she needed care - within 3 years it was her or me and I had to admit I have been stupid through a sense of duty and although it caused a few months very unpleasant behaviour (and confused stupidity which had to be sorted out) she went into a AL facility - we still have odd weeks where we have to deal with anti behaviour (I feel for the staff she is so rude and obnoxious to them) but at least there is sanity in our home for my husband.

Just a quick addition in case it matters. Now Long term care facilities are vaccinating staff and residents against covid, which really opens up options again for so many. Check what's happening in your state. Good luck!

Your life & the lives of your husband & children have to come first: never lose sight of that. This man’s poison will affect everyone near him. Time to put his caregiving into the hands of professionals! You have choices: are you going to put up with his (blank) or take charge? Hie dementia demands professional care, and your family shouldn’t have to have their lives ruined by it. Being a good human means care & compassion. When it is neither returned nor appreciated, you must consider other options. I feel for you, believe me, but this when this affects negatively your entire family’s life, you & your husband must make other arrangements.

This is your husbands father and even if it were your Dad, you have to realize that you have 3 children and a husband to care for, that in itself is a full time job! You will burn yourself out and you may be suffering from compassion burnout. Help yourself by taking care of your mental and physical being. Getting help to care for a loved one is not an easy task, but once you step back and really understand how much your doing and is not appreciated or if it is sometime people with dementia, All or Parkinson's can't express their emotions very effectively.
It's sad and can be painful at first, but you will be so glad that found some assistance you can get back to your normal existence and it will better for everyone, especially you.

I don't know how old you are, but nevertheless, please save what's left of your life and send him to another living situation. You are not enjoying life fully now because of this man. Life is not meant to be martyrdom. Get this burden off your shoulders with no guilt and enjoy your normal family life. I also had a horrible FIL and could never, ever do what you are doing. It would have ruined me, my marriage, my family. Doesn't sound like your husband will guilt-trip you at all. Moving him may be an ordeal, but only a temporary ordeal. When he is ensconced at a decent place, you can move on and let him deal with his own life.