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I am my 93yr old, Dementia father's full-time caregiver. I am also the Trustee and Executor of the his Estate. Dad put me in charge of him, his finances and home. I left my fulltime job to be with dad fulltime. The "trust" pays me $500 a week, which just covers my expenses and is working out just fine.
Dad's money "the trust" pays for dad's expenses, food, entertainment and any gifts he wishes to give....ie Christmas. So far, my older brother hasn't really voiced his opinions to me directly until now.
We have a verbal agreement, that I send him a copy of Dad's bank statements monthly (of which, I understand but also tells me that he's watching)...fine. Christmas comes, the month of December, we have family over, 2 different times, I cook dinner, dad wants to give cards with money in them...$50/4 cards... more family is coming to visit, this includes Big Brother, dad wants to give gifts. So, I shop, nothing expensive, for Dad so he can give gifts , everyone is happy.
Big Brother gets the bank statement and questions....why are you eating out so much (5 times, total=$296.00), why are you buying gifts and giving cash to 10 Adult grandkids (total=$453.00), why are groceries so much($962/month)...I tell him that the month of December was a bit more because of Christmas and Family.
My Brother feels like I'm spending dad's money foolishly. I tell him that Dad and I discuss things, he's the one that brought up the fact that he wanted to give gifts because he and everyone else was coming over. My brother said that I should've not let that happen, that dad is NOT in his RIGHT mind and dining out, buying gifts/cash, and overspending on groceries is UNEXCEPTABLE and if I don't get it in check, he's going to do something about it! (He told me)
This is so hurtful and sad, that he's "THAT GUY". He and my other Brother do nothing when it comes to Dads interests/care. Brother #1 is concerned about the $$$, Brother #2 is concerned that I've removed dad from his Michigan home to bring him to my Florida home and now he's bored.
Dad and I go places (an Adventure) what he says, we eat out, we laugh, cry, talk, and I'm with him, enjoying him 100%.
Is it jealousy? I'm sure. Is it trust issues? I'm sure of that too, not sure why. I've been honest about EVERYTHING.
Dad put me(the youngest) in charge of him and his finances. I think I'm doing a DAMN GOOD JOB! Dad gets a pension/SS every month and does very well for himself. Maybe he doesn't understand that dad's money is used for his expenses...ie; food, entertainment, gifts (all within reason, of course) if we go out, he pays, I buy groceries, he's buying. I am his 100% caregiver and staying indoors, watching TV is not the only thing Dad is going to do in his last days on this Earth. As long as he's still walking and alert, we're going places!
In the end, this is not going to end pretty and I am not going be nice!

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What I think it is is..........are you ready? GREED. Your brothers are greedy and worrying that you're 'overspending' ('their inheritance') when in fact, you are doing everything for your father and they are doing nothing. Nada. Zilch. So, how bout you suggest THEY come and take care of dad instead of being armchair critics, pointing out everything they think YOU are doing 'wrong'.......and they can do things 'right', and YOU will sit back and point YOUR finger at them for a change. That's how a person learns empathy; but actually putting your shoe on their foot.

You can always put dad on the phone to his sons to let them know that he's living life the way HE sees fit, with HIS money, thank you very much, which is HIS to spend and not theirs!

I'm sorry you are being put through such nonsense by the two petty little boys. You are doing your father a wonderful service by caring for all of his needs and wants and being a loyal companion to him at the same time. I could see if you were spending $15K a shot on fancy tours around the world or something, but the spending you are doing does not seem inordinate to me, nor should it to them.

Wishing you all the best of luck trying to ignore them and stay sane!
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Shell38314 Jan 2020
Well said lealonnie! I would have to agree; the brothers are not trusting the OP, but they are just being Greedy. If I was the OP I would stop telling/showing the bank statement.
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Arghhh!! I have to agree with the others that your brothers are being greedy. That stinks.

How about pointing out that if they don't like how Dad's money is being spent that you can hire a care manager for dad's money. That would cost more than the measly amount they are quibbling about.

Turn the tables on them...ask how many times he go out to eat during that time? Did he keep the gifts that Dad gave them? How about his kids...did they receive a gift from Granddad? Did they eat the food Dad provided? How about next year, Big Brother can buy the groceries to feed that many people and do all the cooking.

Sounds like Dad made a wise choice in who he trusts with his money and his care! Stand your ground, tell your brothers that you are doing what's best for dad. End. Of. Discussion.
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Do you have POA? If so, you are not obliged to send brother a statement. Really, its none of his business how Dad spends his money. Not sure how Trustee works, but you may not be obliged to give any info for that either. You are Dads representative. If he felt u were his best choice to handle his money, then he may not want brothers to know.

Just keep your ducks all in a row. They can ask for an accounting which can be done at time probate. My Mom has very little but what she had was listed down to monies she received after her death.
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Alicia54 Jan 2020
I am the POA/TRUSTEE/SUCCESSOR.
However, there was a "generic" POA made up in June where he was added( which was so wrong), but I'm still the one in charge, and that was done only for the banks purpose. The banks didnt recognize the "durable poa" for the trust, so I had that drawn up and my brother wissled his way in but the lawyer still had me as acting poa.
I don't go by that one, I go by the one the Trust says.
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Tell bro to hire different caregiver shifts & he has to do all interviews & pay for background checks so you can go back to work & on vacations. Hugs 🤗
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Not certain how this trust works, but if you have legal power, you can politely tell them to pound sand.  Agree with pp
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Alicia, you raised an issue about which I would have asked as I was thinking over the situation, and that issue addresses your current authority now.

You wrote that you're the Trustee in your introduction, then that you're the "Successor of the Trust/Trustee" in the post immediately preceding this one.   Big difference.   

How does the Trust language actually read?  

And there's yet another issue that should be clarified.  You wrote:

"I am the POA/TRUSTEE/SUCCESSOR.    However, there was a "generic" POA made up in June where he was added( which was so wrong), but I'm still the one in charge, and that was done only for the banks purpose. The banks didnt recognize the "durable poa" for the trust, so I had that drawn up and my brother wissled his way in but the lawyer still had me as acting poa.
I don't go by that one, I go by the one the Trust says."

This could be a serious challenge if there are conflicts.    You can't "go by" one document if there's a conflict or inconsistency.    This might be the source of all the contention.

This is important as well as to the payments you're making on his behalf. 

Also, are you acting by verbal consent, or under authority of a POA, a Durable POA specifically?     Your role and obligations may vary depending on the exact documents which enable your authority.
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God sounds like you are being amazing looking after your dad. You must have had a great relationship. My parent is much more advanced with alzheimers than yours. Also we have had a very bad relationship. I would be stoked though if I had a sibling like you taking such efforts. I don't give a shit at all about any inheritance. I suspect there will be none in my case. But at the same time I don't want to be pressured into providing any care or pay for it. I just want to be left alone.

I don't really have any advice but I don't understand your brothers behaviour either.
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Thank you all...its do frustrating. I am the POA, Successor of the Trust/Trustee of dads estate. GREED is apparent. I kills me. And the fact that my brother tells me that if I dont put things in check, he'll have "to take care of it" I actually laughed when he said that. I told dad tonight that maybe he thinks he take you away from me, and take over...its not that simple. Dad said that he will speak with him next time he gives me problems. I'm getting anxiety from this and I'm a laid back person. I hate drama and like I had said, I'll be quiet for now but I see a big blow up happening. I'll be putting him in Check!
Its good to get your opinions here, I really dont have anyone to talk with who can relate.
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You say that Dad has dementia, brother says ‘he is not in his right mind’, you say that Dad agrees with and often suggests the spending. Do you have one of the POAs that does not require Dad to lack legal competence? I think that sorting this out might be the way to tackle the problem. If Dad can and does take part in these decisions, you are using the POA as a tool to do what he wants with his own money. It is not brothers’ business, and you shouldn’t be giving them ammunition by explaining all the spending. And yes, it is a good idea for Dad (if he can) to tell brothers that indeed he IS in his right mind, he can spend his own money how he chooses, and any more flack from them and he won’t be spending it on them!
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Well, it looks like the ugly has come out. I told my brother that I will no longer give him dads bank statements. He is livid! Said that hes coming over this weekend to discuss a "BUDGET " to go by for spending. I clearly said no. Hes not happy.
Then I get a call shortly after from one of his daughters, and she puts in her thoughts/suggestions and...I listened and told her , no, also. He has crossed a line. Yes, this could break up relationship but it shouldn't. I'm just over this bullshit. Dad put me in charge...ie, his agent, poa, trustee...even the "generic " poa that was made in Mich. Has no warrant in Florida plus it clearly says...me "or" him as acting agent...not both, like he thinks. It's very obvious that he doesn't understand how this works. And being that I've been very considerate about giving him the financial info until now. Hes crossed a line and now he'll not have info. Hes pissed....sorry bro...I'M PISSED TOO, HURT AND DONE!!!
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