What about family therapy? Get an impartial professional involved to help with communications? Assume everyone has good intentions and wants everyone to get their needs met, but don't know how to do it.
You don't provide much detail about how she is being controlling and why you feel you have to stay in your bedroom. Does she work? Have a friend? Hobbies? Things she does away from the house so you can have your own time in peace at home? Have you discussed this with your son? Is he being controlling with her and is that a factor in how she treats you? If you feel like she just isn't getting along with you, have you tried talking to her to establish a rapport? Are there things you have in common on which you could base a friendship? Is she perhaps getting an unfriendly vibe from you and giving it back? Can you talk to her about it and find out?
Hi MD, Thanks for your response! I'm not a history buff at all - and so I wasn't familiar with whatever Ireland was referring to re: the Constitution, so I decided to look it up! I'm sort of baffled as to why Ireland even brought politics and religion into this anyway - which seems like a pretty big stretch from the OP talking about her controlling MIL ! Anyway, since I'm all about inclusion for everyone, no matter what denomination they are - or their beliefs - so that was my reason for noting what I had read! - peace for us all !! :)
Hi there, MD - I just wanted to respond to this message of yours - "Hope, there's also a lot that could be said on various sides of what you posted. But this is an OP's thread, so I'm in favor of focusing on the OP and letting all this peripheral discussion be."
I'll just say - yes, I agree...there are numerous perspectives that you'll even find in various articles on this topic...but I just felt it made sense to provide a balanced frame of reference regarding the Constitution. That's all. Ireland brought religion and politics into the discussion... and you know what they say about that ...this is what's going to happen - yikes! Especially since those matters are deeply personal to each person.
And I understand this is the OP's thread, and I respect your suggestion to "focus on what the OP asked"...but I'll just add that I think she's gotten a lot of great advice already - what else could really be expressed to her that hasn't already been said? She's received a wide array of feedback. And, she's never rendered a comment or elaborated since. She's not a "caregiver" - but yet those have been very generous to offer great insight to her regarding living arrangements - with what little information we were even provided. And at that point, depending on what someone may write, conversations may sometimes get redirected a little. That's why it's a forum!
I don't really care if you agree with me or not. Everyone doesn't agree on all things and that's okay. What I don't appreciate is the patronizing or being corrected by you like a child who spoke out of turn in school.
Let me tell you a little something about myself.
I am 50 years old. I have worked half of my life caregiving for others. I have been in every possible caregiving scenario 'what if?' there is and handled it. I operate my own homecare business. I have belonged to two faiths. I had two husbands. The first a devout Polish Catholic. The second a Polish/Hungarian Jew. I raised a good boy. He's a nice guy now. I'm in the office long hours and since I don't so hands-on care anymore, I figure others can learn from my long experience. This being said, I really do not need to be corrected by you. Disagreement is fine. Condescending correction is not.
I tried what you did, it broke up my marriage, and it was my mother! She had her own apartment too. Once she said she thought we could be a happy family, So, I told her we could but she couldn't be the boss. Respect her boundaries. In my case I moved out and left the two of them there.
I have no answer but offer sympathy. There can only be one lady of the house. And it's not you. What a bad idea to invest together. Hind sight am I right? Good luck in finding a new place. Does your current home have enough space to turn part of it into a mother in law apartment/ suite . Best to you
I wished we all lived closer. We could have our own "The View". I could make everyone Bewley's Irish Tea and Irish Soda Bread! I will play my violin for you and by the end our day you'll say, that Ireland we've grown to love her, she's not so bad after all!
Hi Ireland - you had a most interesting childhood, for sure!
Anyway, you referenced that "Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage and that our forefathers wrote the Constitution based on G-d's Laws." I wasn't familiar with that, especially since the Constitution requires the separation of church and state. And if you look this up, below is what I found....
"It is likely that in some cases the Deism of some founders dovetailed with certain Judeo-Christian teachings. Many of the founders were also Freemasons, a doctrinal and fraternal movement which embraced G-d as “The Great Architect of the Universe,” and taught the need for tolerance of diverse religious beliefs."
OP, how are things going? It’s really hard to get along with people when you live with them. One can be best friends, or have loving family members - but then you try to live with them, and everything changes. One really has to be lucky for things to work out: have similar personalities, everyone’s considerate to each other, no one’s too much of a burden on someone else…so many factors to make it a happy experience to live together.
It’s very rare for people to live happily together, day after day. What you’re experiencing OP, is the norm. And it’ll get worse with time. More conflicts, more unhappiness.
It's me again, Ireland. I forgot to mention. Prior to my caregiving role, just for the record my life was literally like the Great Gatsby! I studied in Ireland twice, visited a total of 6 times. I have been to every ski resort in NH. I study violin and play the violin.
I have been wined and dined, visited every Country Club in my region of the country, mansion, yacht club on Long Island. An outfit for every occasion, dresses galore (most from consignment shops).
Presently, I work remotely. I hold a Master's degree and B.A. in Art History. I teach ESL to Adult Professional Business Professionals from all over the world--folks there is nothing like America for a women, I repeat, we have a Democracy.
Look at Venezuela, now Argentina--it's getting so bad there people are returning to Venezuela if you can believe that one. If you are women born in America and speak English get down on your knees and thank the Lord and kiss the ground! You don't vote the right way in Venezuela, you don't get your medications. You can't even find toilet paper.
If we lived in China we wouldn't even be able to have this forum and give our opinions. We have labor laws here for protection. I teach women in Saudi Arabia, they ask me, what is America like?
"In your mother's old age, show her your appreciation!" I had a beautiful childhood, private schools, ski resort winter school vacation, beach house in the Summer for 2 weeks. Sunday Dinner, relatives pile in. I never thought I wouldn't care for my mother.
A comment was mentioned about the nuclear family. I am well aware of the high divorce rate, children born out of wedlock and stepfamilies. But the people that I know who are in this situation are all struggling. It's not an easy life, solo but oftentimes it's necessary.
The nuclear family, in my opinion and upbringing, is the basis for Society. Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage. We from the Western World (America) our forefathers founded this great country and magnificently wrote the Constitution, everything was based on God's Laws. God chose Israel, but the U.S. chose God.
Some of you may disagree with me but this is where I am coming from. Now, the whole idea of this forum is for us to help one another. If we just get one good thing out of our experiences and help a "newbie" then it's time well spent.
The person who wrote in didn't give a lot of info but I wanted to share my wonderful experience. It's not easy what I am doing now but don't feel bad for me as I just bought some Tesla stock so I won't be living on popcorn in my old age. Wish me luck! I'm going to go clean the toilet now...
I'm certainly not a Constitutional scholar and God knows every dollar I've ever earned up until very recently had been a poor man's dollar.
I'm pretty sure the Founders of the United States of America based our Constitution on common sense and common moral decency. Though how they were able to talk themselves around slavery, I cannot say. They really didn't want any of it based on religious beliefs. Their whole point was to make sure religious belief was kept separare from the business of governing.
The U.S. did not "choose God". It chose common sense. It chose no king, no queen, no laird.
I am an American. I am also a Jew. The whole world doesn't believe that God chose Israel. So it's better to not proclaim this like it's a univeral fact accepted by all because it isn't. No one wants to be preached to here, I'm sure.
All I know is my own experience. My husband felt he owed it to his mother (he felt guilty for having been a handful as a kid). So against the strong advice of his brother and sister, we had her move in with us. That 6 years almost cost us our decades long marriage. She was completely unappreciative of what we were giving up and felt entitled. His sister finally rescued us by having her go to a big resthome with lots of attendants and activities while we went away on vacation. My SIL made sure she never came back (told her she could no longer navigate the 40 plus stairs down to the house, not really a lie either) and as upset as she was she got used to the home and enjoyed the attention she got and having her own space. She lived to 96 and we are still married, almost 50 years now. I 100% support NOT moving in with family. Keep your family as your loved ones otherwise it turns into resentment.
There’s not enough information here but in my experience my mother and mother-in-law think my sister and I are too controlling. That’s because they need a lot of help that they don’t think they need. Perhaps you are in the same situation and your daughter-in-law is trying to keep you out of a home. You don’t say why you aren’t living on your own but I suspect it is because you are not able since you are posting in this Aging Care forum. Sometimes you have to give up control to maintain some independence. Sounds contradictory but what alternatives do you have?
Someone said that " there is no house big enough for two women" I tend to agree.
That said, since there is financial" investment " from both parties, that is even going to increase the tension and friction over " whose house is it?", " Who is the dominant female"?, and a whole bunch more " stuff" ( like regret,why did we / I ever do this; grief over differences etc.; Etc.
Start with requesting/ suggesting a conversation with yourself, dtr in law and son: open up the difficult painful conversation and begin to try to sort out what will help each party live with more quality of life in the home. Some folks are able to do this alone but a lot do better with a neutral objective professional helping to facilitate the dialogue and meditating any flare points. Do you have a faith community pastor? If so this is a good place to start . If the son/ dtrvin law have a pastor, they could ask them. Or both pastors could be present. It would be a beginning.
Or, the 3 of you could agree to go to family counseling together . Or, go to your PCP for a checkup and share this stress in the home with PCP; ask for a social services senior care referral who could come into home or that you can confer with.
Do you feel safe? This is the top question to ask oneself. If you ever feel unsafe, please call 911 or APS( ADult protective services) immediately. It doesn't sound like you are in such a position, but need to mention it.
Pray, practice good self care,get exercise, good nutrition, practice meditation and breathing......get out to some form of socializing with others, senior centers are a place to start and or senior ministries at church( you don't have to be a church member)
It is vital that these talks begin as this will negatively affect your and everyones physical, emotional, mental, spiritual health ! Or has already.....
You and/or your husband should not move in with your daughter in law if she is going to force you to do things against your will and treat you so disrespectfully.
I have found the best option most of the time is getting in home care when needed. Please stay AWAY from nursing homes. They are a death trap and often are abusive and neglectful.
We have a program here called IRIS that helps people to stay in their own home when they become disabled in some way. YOU will still be in charge! Do NOT let anyone take away your rights. This program will help evaluate what your needs are and give you the funding you need to pay for home care (you choose your caregivers and that includes family). They will also help with funding things you need in your home and activities outside of the home that are not covered by your insurance.
It's all well and good for a person to be kept in their home. At what expense though? Their family's? Their own when they'd be safer and better off in a care facility?
What if a needy elder was abusive to their family? Is that family supposed to sacrifice to provide tender, loving care to them when get old and needy? No. They don't have to and they should't feel a moment of guilt about that either.
People like Shetay's mother loves their family and refuses to be a burden to them. Now take some narcissistic, abusive, selfish, entitled, elder like what so many of us have for parents. Who we also have a long history of abuse with since early childhood. They don't have a right to put their burdens onto us.
Sorry, but when a person plants a field of selfishness and indifference they can't expect a harvest of love and compassion.
People get what they give in this life and no one is entitled to anyone's life no matter how old or needy they are.
My mother (89) has made it clear in no uncertain terms that she is NEVER to be allowed to live with either of her children because she loves us too much to do that to us. She even went so far as to say that if she had dementia and begged, we are not to give in. She has a huge fear of living in a nursing home or really any situation where she doesn't have her own home and privacy, but she'd choose that over living with us. I so appreciate that she is so protective of her children that she'd face those fears before taking the risk of causing any tension in our homes by her presence. On the other hand, my MIL lives with her daughter and won't consider another option, as if she feels entitled to it. My BIL absolutely hates the situation, and has openly stated that his first waking prayer every morning is that she will be gone the next morning!!--adding that he would never agreed to her living with them if he'd thought she'd live more than 6 months. The 1 1/2 years she has been with them has been fraught with tension for all 3 of them, and although they take care of her every physical need, it is obvious that they look forward to her demise so they will have their home to themselves again. They would all be so much happier if she was in a nursing home, but they won't give up looking like the martyrs who are "the only ones willing" to care for her, and she won't give up the idea that she's entitled to stay with them. After keeping my MIL for 3 weeks so they could have a "vacation", I told my son and DIL the same thing my mom told me: Don't you ever ever ever let me or your dad come to live with you! A person who can't care for themself enough to live alone has to have a caretaker, and that job just expands as time goes on. Sounds like ya'll fell into that trap of thinking you were doing a good thing, but that good thing soured and you need to back out asap before all your memories are tainted by hard feelings. Do what you have to to get mom a place of her own where someone else does the care taking and you can do the loving visits.
Do you realize the abuse and neglect that happens in nursing homes?! Why would you want ANYONE you love put in there? So many people these days only care about themselves.
In home care is a far better option. That way they can remain home and choose who they want for caregivers! If they are unable to afford it, there are programs available to help with that as well
Im not at this point yet, my husband and I are still at home but I can see the writing on the wall. I have a disability and my husband has a lot of health issues. The day will come where one of us will have to make the decision between living with our son and dnl or assisted living which would drain our life saving. Our dnl is manipulated and very spiteful. I do not trust her and she can convince our son into anything. We love our son and grandkids, but frankly I would be afraid to be in a position to have her influence over my care and health care decisions.
I'm throwing my vote in with all of the others here who have recommended that you tell your son and DIL that they need to refinance and buy you out. If y'all have been in the house long enough to build equity, you could get an appraisal to determine market value and negotiate a split on that as well.
Or. Sell the house and split the proceeds.
Then find yourself a cute little house or condo and live in peace.
How big is the plot of land? Maybe you can get a Mother-in-law apt on the property. Maybe convert a part of the garage? This way you can still have "your" space. Another suggestion is to have a night out for son and wife and you stay in with granddaughter. Then switch, you go out with granddaughter and they stay in. Then son goes out with daughter and daughter-in-law with you. The point is to have one on one time with each. And it doesn't have to be every night maybe once a week. This way everyone gets to know each other likes, dislikes, pet peeves, etc. Maybe have a hobby together that you do once a week or once every two weeks.
In the majority of cases, moving in with another family doesn't work. The dynamics in a home are so multifaceted. Your daughter in law is used to managing her household and may feel threatened and or stressed that her mother in law is now in the roost.
Please try to put yourself in her shoes. Think back to your own mother in law and how that would have affected your home life if your husband had moved her in with you while you were working and raising a child, etc. I doubt you would have been keen on the idea.
Sounds like time for a major Family Meeting, and make them a permanent part of your shared life in the Home you all Bought Together. These meetings do not need to be rancorous; they need to be 'safe space' for each family member to have an equal amount of time to be heard, to speak about both good and bad things, to find common ground. No one should ever feel like a 'squatter' in their own home, especially if each has contributed to their even BEING a roof over everyone's heads. You are not 'roommates', you are a Family; every family gets to determine the shape of that family but even tho one person may become more or less the 'head of household' it's only representative, not a king- or queen-ship. Cut the tension by having these sessions to get everyone's cards on the table, so to speak, even granddaughter if she is of reasoning age (7 or 8 and older.) Consult with a Family Therapist if needed, like having a life coach for all of you. Good Luck!
Sounds like time for a major Family Meeting, and make them a permanent part of your shared life in the Home you all Bought Together. These meetings do not need to be rancorous; they need to be 'safe space' for each family member to have an equal amount of time to be heard, to speak about both good and bad things, to find common ground. No one should ever feel like a 'squatter' in their own home, especially if each has contributed to their even BEING a roof over everyone's heads. You are not 'roommates', you are a Family; every family gets to determine the shape of that family but even tho one person my become more or less the 'head of household' it's only representative, not a king- or queen-ship. Cut the tension by having these sessions to get everyone's cards on the table, so to speak, even granddaughter if she is of reasoning age (7 or 8 and older.) Consult with a Family Therapist if needed, like having a life coach for all of you. Good Luck!
As others have mentioned, we don't have enough details to be really helpful. All we can do is speculate. I would guess the parameters of the joint purchase and living situation weren't clearly defined. Everybody had their eyes on the benefits they wanted (OP--a place to live economically and not being alone; DIL--financial help to purchase a nicer home than they could have on their own; Son--the financial help plus good feeling about doing something good for his mom). Could they have had different expectations about how this would look in the day to day? OP thought they would be an equal participant in their own home, welcome to join the family whenever she wished, entitled to use the kitchen and other amenities whenever and however she wished, maybe even having things arranged to accommodate her also in the common spaces. She'd have had some reason for assuming this if she paid an equal share and is also obligated on the mortgage. DIL assumed it was HER house, run according to her preferences, her having priority in the kitchen and arrangement of common spaces. Having privacy for her nuclear family most of the time. She would have some reason to feel justified in this expectation if MIL basically paid for her proportional share of the space (i.e., her bedroom and bathroom). Most likely, there is no real bad guy here. Just different and unarticulated expectations. There's a reason so many people are saying these arrangements don't usually work.
I grew up in an intergenerational house. I loved it. But it was my maternal grandmother. I think that makes a difference. It's hard when it is the daughter-in-law.
With the economy, high interest rates and inflation these situations are going to be a necessity. In my case, Nana had an in-law apartment. Dad worked a lot of hours and it was easier having Nana live with us rather than Mom running down to Nana's house every day to look after her---Mom has (3) brothers.
It's an Irish thing the girl does everything--especially the eldest girl.
You will gain some things and have to hold your tongue on a occasion. There is power and safety in numbers. I grew up in a "Clan". My sister-in-law couldn't believe "all these people come to a cookout every weekend" she didn't get it, nor like it...after a while she pulled my brother away so the next generation lost out on a lot of happy times. They preferred the isolation.
When my family members rent a beach house, we're all there with our coolers and floaties. No one wants to miss out. I loved it. Back then, money was tight, families lived on one pay. There were starter houses and then as the family grew maybe you moved and added on when Nana moved it.
I have mentioned this before on the forum. I attended a conference years and heard a keynote speaker from Argentina, she said, "the U.S. lives for the self other countries have to live for the greater good" meaning they have to rely on each other and not the individual. I love America, there is no better country especially for women but I understand what she is saying.
When I see a Mexican family in the supermarket with the Grandmother and kids hanging out of the grocery basket, I smile, that was my story growing up. Mom had 4 kids, live-in grandparent and we ALL went grocery shopping. Mom had no "spa day" or get away weekends or therapist like my sister does. But sis worked full-time and me and Mom helped to raise her boys.
In a family you have to keep your sense of humor. I had a relative over for supper and they brought me as a house gift, a box of candy canes--it was the month of April. I graciously said, "I love peppermint, thank you"!
With the economy it takes a village. My grocery bill is high, gas continues to rise and utilities are headed for a 25% increase this winter. All of my relatives are thinking about their future living plans. My motto is: Stick together. "A braid of three cannot be easily broken".
So nice it works with your loving family. And you’re very loving, too.
“It's an Irish thing the girl does everything”
This Irish thing must be ended right away! No matter what “good reason” someone has brainwashed into other people’s minds, it is wrong. A girl has every right to live a full life, full of ambitions and dreams, just like boys.
If the whole system is built upon the obedience and sacrifice of sweet girls, it’s not a system. It’s just slavery and the SACRIFICE of girls.
A system where boys and girls help the elderly equally…that’s a different matter.
One day, all over the world, girls/women will wake up. “No more! We will not be sacrificed!!!!!!!!”
Years ago we made a similar mistake. Never again. My MIL was actual a very sweet lady and we were naïve enough to envision multigenerational family like The Waltons. It was especially tough on my DH who was concerned his mom was struggling living alone. she sold her modest little home and we put a MIL suite onto our home. Although we included her in all daily family routines (meals, TV watching on the couch, etc) she insisted on guest mode. In short order, I was the bad guy. She was not speaking kindly about me to our grown kids which created a tension. She happily participated in our garage sale only to later confide to her son I had “stolen her things”. Cognitive decline changed my sweet natured MIL into suspicious and gossipy behind my back. Yes, we had heart to heart talks to reassure the home was for all of us and we wanted her happy. Given her needs, it was difficult for her to adjust. In about 2 years, little did we know, she was hiding significant health issues and passed away from colon cancer a month from diagnosis. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? It’s true.
“she was hiding significant health issues and passed away from colon cancer a month from diagnosis.”
She might have hid it, because she was afraid if you had known, you might have wanted to put her in a facility.
Another point: she passed a month from diagnosis. Of course, I don’t know the details, BUT sometimes it’s better to die quickly. It’s not about living as long as possible.
Best thing is to ask for a family meeting of/with those who "own" the home. If you helped pay for it, you need a say in the house rules. If you are being allowed to stay in their home, they get to set the house rules. Either way, you need to have some discussions with them about your concerns. If every conversation is tense, ask for a meeting with a counsellor or a leader of your faith community (pastor, priest...) to help negotiate this.
You should never ever have consented to buying a house where you would not have your own living space — bathroom, kitchen, bedroom and living room. This was a huge mistake.
This causes a lot of stress on families who go into it with the best of intentions but find it is a bad arrangement.
Sell the house, split of the proceeds and buy your own place or one with an apartment for you.
This will never work over the long run. Do something before you and your family are estranged and relationships can no longer be fixed.
- peace for us all !! :)
I'll just say - yes, I agree...there are numerous perspectives that you'll even find in various articles on this topic...but I just felt it made sense to provide a balanced frame of reference regarding the Constitution. That's all. Ireland brought religion and politics into the discussion... and you know what they say about that ...this is what's going to happen - yikes! Especially since those matters are deeply personal to each person.
And I understand this is the OP's thread, and I respect your suggestion to "focus on what the OP asked"...but I'll just add that I think she's gotten a lot of great advice already - what else could really be expressed to her that hasn't already been said? She's received a wide array of feedback. And, she's never rendered a comment or elaborated since. She's not a "caregiver" - but yet those have been very generous to offer great insight to her regarding living arrangements - with what little information we were even provided. And at that point, depending on what someone may write, conversations may sometimes get redirected a little. That's why it's a forum!
I don't really care if you agree with me or not. Everyone doesn't agree on all things and that's okay.
What I don't appreciate is the patronizing or being corrected by you like a child who spoke out of turn in school.
Let me tell you a little something about myself.
I am 50 years old. I have worked half of my life caregiving for others. I have been in every possible caregiving scenario 'what if?' there is and handled it. I operate my own homecare business. I have belonged to two faiths. I had two husbands. The first a devout Polish Catholic. The second a Polish/Hungarian Jew. I raised a good boy. He's a nice guy now.
I'm in the office long hours and since I don't so hands-on care anymore, I figure others can learn from my long experience.
This being said, I really do not need to be corrected by you.
Disagreement is fine. Condescending correction is not.
And it's not you.
What a bad idea to invest together. Hind sight am I right?
Good luck in finding a new place. Does your current home have enough space to turn part of it into a mother in law apartment/ suite .
Best to you
I wished we all lived closer. We could have our own "The View". I could make everyone Bewley's Irish Tea and Irish Soda Bread! I will play my violin for you and by the end our day you'll say, that Ireland we've grown to love her, she's not so bad after all!
Or, better how about some Bailey's Irish Cream!
Anyway, you referenced that "Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage and that our forefathers wrote the Constitution based on G-d's Laws." I wasn't familiar with that, especially since the Constitution requires the separation of church and state. And if you look this up, below is what I found....
"It is likely that in some cases the Deism of some founders dovetailed with certain Judeo-Christian teachings. Many of the founders were also Freemasons, a doctrinal and fraternal movement which embraced G-d as “The Great Architect of the Universe,” and taught the need for tolerance of diverse religious beliefs."
Anyway, I just thought I'd share this ~
Well said, and amen to that!
~BC 8/9/23
It’s very rare for people to live happily together, day after day. What you’re experiencing OP, is the norm. And it’ll get worse with time. More conflicts, more unhappiness.
Do you think you should move?
It's me again, Ireland. I forgot to mention. Prior to my caregiving role, just for the record my life was literally like the Great Gatsby! I studied in Ireland twice, visited a total of 6 times. I have been to every ski resort in NH. I study violin and play the violin.
I have been wined and dined, visited every Country Club in my region of the country, mansion, yacht club on Long Island. An outfit for every occasion, dresses galore (most from consignment shops).
Presently, I work remotely. I hold a Master's degree and B.A. in Art History. I teach ESL to Adult Professional Business Professionals from all over the world--folks there is nothing like America for a women, I repeat, we have a Democracy.
Look at Venezuela, now Argentina--it's getting so bad there people are returning to Venezuela if you can believe that one. If you are women born in America and speak English get down on your knees and thank the Lord and kiss the ground!
You don't vote the right way in Venezuela, you don't get your medications. You can't even find toilet paper.
If we lived in China we wouldn't even be able to have this forum and give our opinions. We have labor laws here for protection. I teach women in Saudi Arabia, they ask me, what is America like?
"In your mother's old age, show her your appreciation!" I had a beautiful childhood, private schools, ski resort winter school vacation, beach house in the Summer for 2 weeks. Sunday Dinner, relatives pile in. I never thought I wouldn't care for my mother.
A comment was mentioned about the nuclear family. I am well aware of the high divorce rate, children born out of wedlock and stepfamilies. But the people that I know who are in this situation are all struggling. It's not an easy life, solo but oftentimes it's necessary.
The nuclear family, in my opinion and upbringing, is the basis for Society. Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage. We from the Western World (America) our forefathers founded this great country and magnificently wrote the Constitution, everything was based on God's Laws. God chose Israel, but the U.S. chose God.
Some of you may disagree with me but this is where I am coming from. Now, the whole idea of this forum is for us to help one another. If we just get one good thing out of our experiences and help a "newbie" then it's time well spent.
The person who wrote in didn't give a lot of info but I wanted to share my wonderful experience. It's not easy what I am doing now but don't feel bad for me as I just bought some Tesla stock so I won't be living on popcorn in my old age. Wish me luck! I'm going to go clean the toilet now...
I'm certainly not a Constitutional scholar and God knows every dollar I've ever earned up until very recently had been a poor man's dollar.
I'm pretty sure the Founders of the United States of America based our Constitution on common sense and common moral decency. Though how they were able to talk themselves around slavery, I cannot say. They really didn't want any of it based on religious beliefs. Their whole point was to make sure religious belief was kept separare from the business of governing.
The U.S. did not "choose God". It chose common sense. It chose no king, no queen, no laird.
I am an American. I am also a Jew. The whole world doesn't believe that God chose Israel. So it's better to not proclaim this like it's a univeral fact accepted by all because it isn't. No one wants to be preached to here, I'm sure.
Good luck with the Tesla stock.
I tend to agree.
That said, since there is financial" investment " from both parties, that is even going to increase the tension and friction over " whose house is it?", " Who is the dominant female"?, and a whole bunch more " stuff" ( like regret,why did we / I ever do this; grief over differences etc.; Etc.
Start with requesting/ suggesting a conversation with yourself, dtr in law and son: open up the difficult painful conversation and begin to try to sort out what will help each party live with more quality of life in the home. Some folks are able to do this alone but a lot do better with a neutral objective professional helping to facilitate the dialogue and meditating any flare points. Do you have a faith community pastor? If so this is a good place to start . If the son/ dtrvin law have a pastor, they could ask them. Or both pastors could be present. It would be a beginning.
Or, the 3 of you could agree to go to family counseling together . Or, go to your PCP for a checkup and share this stress in the home with PCP; ask for a social services senior care referral who could come into home or that you can confer with.
Do you feel safe? This is the top question to ask oneself. If you ever feel unsafe, please call 911 or APS( ADult protective services) immediately. It doesn't sound like you are in such a position, but need to mention it.
Pray, practice good self care,get exercise, good nutrition, practice meditation and breathing......get out to some form of socializing with others, senior centers are a place to start and or senior ministries at church( you don't have to be a church member)
It is vital that these talks begin as this will negatively affect your and everyones physical, emotional, mental, spiritual health ! Or has already.....
I have found the best option most of the time is getting in home care when needed. Please stay AWAY from nursing homes. They are a death trap and often are abusive and neglectful.
We have a program here called IRIS that helps people to stay in their own home when they become disabled in some way. YOU will still be in charge! Do NOT let anyone take away your rights. This program will help evaluate what your needs are and give you the funding you need to pay for home care (you choose your caregivers and that includes family). They will also help with funding things you need in your home and activities outside of the home that are not covered by your insurance.
It's all well and good for a person to be kept in their home.
At what expense though? Their family's? Their own when they'd be safer and better off in a care facility?
What if a needy elder was abusive to their family? Is that family supposed to sacrifice to provide tender, loving care to them when get old and needy?
No. They don't have to and they should't feel a moment of guilt about that either.
People like Shetay's mother loves their family and refuses to be a burden to them.
Now take some narcissistic, abusive, selfish, entitled, elder like what so many of us have for parents. Who we also have a long history of abuse with since early childhood.
They don't have a right to put their burdens onto us.
Sorry, but when a person plants a field of selfishness and indifference they can't expect a harvest of love and compassion.
People get what they give in this life and no one is entitled to anyone's life no matter how old or needy they are.
In home care is a far better option. That way they can remain home and choose who they want for caregivers! If they are unable to afford it, there are programs available to help with that as well
I would highly recommend you not live with your DIL then. Make arrnagements for you and husband now.
Or. Sell the house and split the proceeds.
Then find yourself a cute little house or condo and live in peace.
~Southiebella
Another suggestion is to have a night out for son and wife and you stay in with granddaughter. Then switch, you go out with granddaughter and they stay in. Then son goes out with daughter and daughter-in-law with you. The point is to have one on one time with each. And it doesn't have to be every night maybe once a week. This way everyone gets to know each other likes, dislikes, pet peeves, etc. Maybe have a hobby together that you do once a week or once every two weeks.
Please try to put yourself in her shoes. Think back to your own mother in law and how that would have affected your home life if your husband had moved her in with you while you were working and raising a child, etc. I doubt you would have been keen on the idea.
Could they have had different expectations about how this would look in the day to day? OP thought they would be an equal participant in their own home, welcome to join the family whenever she wished, entitled to use the kitchen and other amenities whenever and however she wished, maybe even having things arranged to accommodate her also in the common spaces. She'd have had some reason for assuming this if she paid an equal share and is also obligated on the mortgage. DIL assumed it was HER house, run according to her preferences, her having priority in the kitchen and arrangement of common spaces. Having privacy for her nuclear family most of the time. She would have some reason to feel justified in this expectation if MIL basically paid for her proportional share of the space (i.e., her bedroom and bathroom).
Most likely, there is no real bad guy here. Just different and unarticulated expectations. There's a reason so many people are saying these arrangements don't usually work.
I grew up in an intergenerational house. I loved it. But it was my maternal grandmother. I think that makes a difference. It's hard when it is the daughter-in-law.
With the economy, high interest rates and inflation these situations are going to be a necessity. In my case, Nana had an in-law apartment. Dad worked a lot of hours and it was easier having Nana live with us rather than Mom running down to Nana's house every day to look after her---Mom has (3) brothers.
It's an Irish thing the girl does everything--especially the eldest girl.
You will gain some things and have to hold your tongue on a occasion. There is power and safety in numbers. I grew up in a "Clan". My sister-in-law couldn't believe "all these people come to a cookout every weekend" she didn't get it, nor like it...after a while she pulled my brother away so the next generation lost out on a lot of happy times. They preferred the isolation.
When my family members rent a beach house, we're all there with our coolers and floaties. No one wants to miss out. I loved it. Back then, money was tight, families lived on one pay. There were starter houses and then as the family grew maybe you moved and added on when Nana moved it.
I have mentioned this before on the forum. I attended a conference years and heard a keynote speaker from Argentina, she said, "the U.S. lives for the self other countries have to live for the greater good" meaning they have to rely on each other and not the individual. I love America, there is no better country especially for women but I understand what she is saying.
When I see a Mexican family in the supermarket with the Grandmother and kids hanging out of the grocery basket, I smile, that was my story growing up. Mom had 4 kids, live-in grandparent and we ALL went grocery shopping. Mom had no "spa day" or get away weekends or therapist like my sister does. But sis worked full-time and me and Mom helped to raise her boys.
In a family you have to keep your sense of humor. I had a relative over for supper and they brought me as a house gift, a box of candy canes--it was the month of April. I graciously said, "I love peppermint, thank you"!
With the economy it takes a village. My grocery bill is high, gas continues to rise and utilities are headed for a 25% increase this winter. All of my relatives are thinking about their future living plans. My motto is: Stick together. "A braid of three cannot be easily broken".
So nice it works with your loving family. And you’re very loving, too.
“It's an Irish thing the girl does everything”
This Irish thing must be ended right away! No matter what “good reason” someone has brainwashed into other people’s minds, it is wrong. A girl has every right to live a full life, full of ambitions and dreams, just like boys.
If the whole system is built upon the obedience and sacrifice of sweet girls, it’s not a system. It’s just slavery and the SACRIFICE of girls.
A system where boys and girls help the elderly equally…that’s a different matter.
One day, all over the world, girls/women will wake up. “No more! We will not be sacrificed!!!!!!!!”
You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? It’s true.
She might have hid it, because she was afraid if you had known, you might have wanted to put her in a facility.
Another point: she passed a month from diagnosis. Of course, I don’t know the details, BUT sometimes it’s better to die quickly. It’s not about living as long as possible.
It’s not always a bad thing to die.
((Hug))
(Ventingisback)
This causes a lot of stress on families who go into it with the best of intentions but find it is a bad arrangement.
Sell the house, split of the proceeds and buy your own place or one with an apartment for you.
This will never work over the long run. Do something before you and your family are estranged and relationships can no longer be fixed.