I am the primary caregiver. I am the one who lives nearby and is on call for every need, yet I have to listen to my mother give credit to my siblings when they do nothing but phone her and tell her their problems or show up occasionally for a meal. I know resentment only hurts me and doesn’t change the situation but there it is and I believe emotions are there for a reason, even the so-called bad ones. They tell us something is off and needs our attention. What’s off for me is I am very hurt by the lack of support. Most of my siblings (I have 5) have gone silent with me, likely because they don’t want to be asked to do anything. We are a very dysfunctional family, many of them don’t speak to each other and have adult kids with problems, so caregiving has fallen to me since I live close by and am retired and single with no kids. I have no intention of giving up my life for my mom. I have struggled back from alcoholism and a nervous breakdown and chronic depression. They all know this yet continue to lean hard on me to do all the caregiving. No one cares what this will do to me, so I have to stand up for myself. I am not a naturally nurturing person and I am ok with that. Just because I’m a female does not mean I need to be. I am getting paid help for my mom because that will be better for both of us. It’s been a battle because my mom wants me to do everything. I joined a caregiver support group, I read widely and see that this is a trap I need to avoid or it will take me down. My siblings already avoid speaking to me so as far as I’m concerned those relationships are dead anyway and their opinions don’t factor in to my mom’s care. My friend’s mom moved herself into assisted living before she needed it. That’s what I’ll be doing for myself when the time comes. I think what my mom is doing is ultimately selfish. Her house is dangerous (lots of stairs and she’s going blind) but she will not budge and of course everyone wants to honour her wishes on how she wants to live out her days. The problem is that I’m the one who will have to deal with it when/if an accident happens, not them. I feel like getting in my car and leaving once a week. I’m two years into this already and regularly feel burned out emotionally, but am fighting hard to stay strong mentally. I guess this is more of a rant than a question because ultimately I have to live with the consequences of my actions and I want to do right by my mom without it killing me. Any advice would be appreciated!
One thing I learned about recovery is that it works in reverse.
I've been a member of Al-Anon for over forty years. I'm retired too. I had family members try to get me to take on my older sister's issue and become her POA. I was job hunting and ignored them. I never picked up the phone. A kind gentleman in AA told me years ago the time you answer the door or the phone is your first enabling act.
After a year of sobriety, you may want to join Al-Anon. We had double winners in our meetings who had alcoholic family members they were dealing with. Also, Al-Anon will help you put things into perspective by their gentle suggestions.
Give mom a choice either an assisted living or a home care aide to help. Limit your time and start unhooking yourself from this neediness. My mother idolized her other children as well. They did absolutely nothing, but she was always fixing meals and serving dinner to them.
Put your mother in assisted living or get a live-in caregiver for her.
Do not risk yourself relapsing into picking up the bottle again because you live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop and a crisis to happen with your mother. Your mother's care needs are too much to be met by you alone.
If she's going to be stubborn and not budge, you tell her what I've told countless homecare clients over 25 years in that field.
"Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".
This is the truth. If she refuses to budge, you have to let her fail. You tell her that you will not come running when she calls anymore. It may take a fall or a trip to the hospital to make her aggreeable to AL or live-in help. Happens all the time.
Don't risk your recovery because your mother wants to be stubborn and only agrees to you doing everything for her.
Forget that crap.
Here's another piece of good advice I've been laying on folks who are caregivers to family or are considering it.
"Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's."
Time for some boundaries with your mother. If this includes moving her into AL, do it.
Ps. Please go to an AA meeting for some extra support.
When she starts bragging them up, smile and say. "It must be nice to be praised so much for doing so little."
When clueless Mom asks, "What do you mean?" Tell her you just told her.
Meanwhile, start working on a game plan. It took me almost 3 yrs to get my Ex out....I pulled it off this week! It's weird sitting here today, glad I got the PIA out, and took my life back.
You are NOT responsible for your Mother. Find her a place and get her moved in.
YOU GOT THIS.
I hope the OP does not take your passive/aggressive approach when the mother starts praising the other siblings who do nothing.
Her mother needs a practical lesson here. Jentrain needs to stop propping up her mother's false independence and doing everything for her then remaining silent while she canonizes her other children.
There's a right good saying I often see on this forum
'Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'.
If Jentrain is legally in charge (POA) of her mother, she needs to take some action by either getting her placed or moving in live-in help.
Take care of YOURSELF in all this, as your siblings are doing. Change your outlook or let the caregiving, resentment and anger destroy your life and threaten your sobriety.
First...caregiving has not "fallen" to you, you chose to step up because you live the closest are retired and are single with no children. So what? You could have not stepped up just like your siblings and mom would have had to figure things out on her own.
Your mom IS NOT your responsibility!!! Period, End of sentence.
And you are correct when you say that you "have no intention of giving up my life for my mom" as no decent mom would EVER want their child/children to do that for them.
Your mom IS being very selfish and it's time that you start intentionally distancing yourself more from her care.
If mom has the money then she can hire more in-home help. And if money is an issue then she can apply for Medicaid and move into the appropriate facility.
Again...you are NOT responsible for your mom or her care, but you ARE responsible for yourself, your sobriety, your happiness and your life.
So do whatever you need to to take your life back and quit worrying about what your siblings are doing or not doing and your moms reaction to them.
You CANNOT fix the dysfunction in your siblings or your family, but can only fix what needs to be fixed for yourself. So keep up the good work on your sobriety and make sure that your mom understands that it will no longer be you that is helping her in her care, but that she'll either have to hire help or go into a facility.
Then you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate(if you want)and not her burned out and pissed off caregiver.
If your Mom has short-term memory impairment, she thinks she's saying something accurate.
Just do what you are *choosing* to do and get over the petty stuff as it will drain you.
If you've been *assumed* into the caregiving then you can stop doing it. It's all your choice.
Parents tend to think more, seem to care more, suffer more of/for/with their children who are "less able". That's just a fact. They worry for them constantly and endlessly and they cut them all kinds of slack.
Having a mentally ill "child" in my family I see that in the parents every day. Their focus is on the child they see as still BEING their child. I see it all the time.
Are you the child who is doing caregiving? If so, you moved your job status from "beautiful child" to "caregiver".
Entirely different job description if you get my meaning. You are now the decider, the advisor, the limit-setter, the sort of thorn in the side rather than the sweet, incapable, floating-feather of a beautiful child.
So I don't know? Celebrate that you AREN'T the "prodigal son"? Wish you were? Either way isn't particularly satisfying.
Maybe just shrug and move on when you see it. But I won't begrudge you a few mutters under your breath of "DANG!" Or even something slightly more colorful!
Best to you and sorry. Do know you are LOVED in that you are NEEDED, and that's sometimes the best (or worst) of love. The more contact with people we have, sometimes the less able we are to understand them. That holds true of friends and family.