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My mother has vascular dementia, has lost her license and depends on me for grocery shopping, scheduling doctor's appointment's and interpreting their comments, ordering and giving her her medications, making sure her dogs have meds, calling repair men...use to do her bills but she has accused me of stealing from her. She's told everyone she talks to friends, neighbors, other family members, her cleaner. She got her neighbor to get her into her accounts and the institution determined that I had not been stealing, nothing had been taken out of the account. But she is still accusing me. She has not gone back to anyone and told them that I actually had not been stealing. That same neighbor gave her her Humira injection and I almost gave her another one the same day. I happened to see the used pen on the counter just before I gave her the shot. She blames me for losing her license and not getting it back for her. I spent one year setting up tests neurologist, GP and driving school. She did not past any of the tests, not even close, including cognitive function exam. That was two years ago. I have not stolen from her. I do her paperwork for her. She sat at the table with me while I paid her property taxes online, gave her the receipt and she still accuses me of stealing the money. I've taken care of her for the past 3 years and the previous 4 years I took care of her and her then boyfriend who was in a wheelchair from a stroke. And it goes on and on.


I've hired caregivers to come in and help--but she either runs them off or won't let them in. She did let one come in but would not pay her. I had to pay her. My sister and I both have tried to get her to go into a residential facility but she refuses.


My mother told me that I don't do much for her. I can't do anymore and I'm thinking about doing less. My sister lives 3 hours away so I do everything.


I'm so tired and unhappy.

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"She refuses"..... when I see those words my stomach turns because that tells me some adult child somewhere is trying to keep some half-baked elder safe and likely walking on egg-shells while the elder continues to "refuse" help, and in many cases (like yours, and mine btw) treating the adult child poorly and even with abuse.

Stop doing things for her. Let her realize she DOES need help. If she calls you for help tell her that it's time for assisted living. If she refuses and expects you to endlessly prop up her charade of "independence" with little appreciation tell her you are done. She can either go to ALF with your help and guidance, or the state can decide her future, how her money is spent, and what facility she ends up living in.

See if that changes her tune.
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lkdrymom Nov 2020
I agree. Slowly back away. Let her see how much you really do but not doing any of it. I have never been able to understand why so many people continue to try and help those who treat them badly or accuse them falsely.
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You can't change your mother. You can't reason with her broken brain. You can only change you. Your mother does not get to refuse what's in her best interest. You have accepted her nonsense long enough - even explained yourself to her countless times - and clearly that's not working out for you although it's working out great for your mother!

You are tired and unhappy. The only thing that will make you feel less tired and less unhappy is joining forces with your sister and putting her in ALF. Stop propping her up in her charade of independence. Her needs will only increase.

Stop her as soon as she starts accusing you of anything. Tell her "No, you will not speak to me like that".

Until you find a spot for her, please pay caregivers using her checkbook, not yours. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad. You just need to get through the transition period between her living alone and moving to ALF.

You need to have a heart to heart with your sister. You need to be honest with your sister that you no longer can "do everything" for your mother. Ask her to tour ALFs near her. Tell her you will be touring ALFs near you. Get the ball rolling.
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I have a similar situation. And It is so draining. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under me every time I get the energy up to take care of all her stuff in addition to my own. She makes me want to give up, again and again. The more I do the worse it gets. But, you can't really walk away from your own mother. Especially when she is very old. But, she refuses to do anything positive, argues every little thing, is nasty and downright uncooperative regarding safety issues. Then she gets mad at ME when I have to watch out for her and am doing all the work! I'm too old for this. I do love all the comments. Thanks for bringing this issue up. Take care.
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First, don’t take her accusations personally. It’s not her, it’s the dementia. As it progresses and people begin to realize she has it, they will no longer take her accusations seriously (if they even do now). My mother told her friends that I had maxed out her credit card and she was broke. One person checked with me as to whether that was true and I confirmed that it was not, and she took me at my word. She also told them that I left her in the middle of a park and made her walk home, my husband punched her, i was regularly abusing her, I stole her car and wrecked it (this a few hours after she had been sitting in the very intact car, parked on her property), I wasn’t giving her any food and she was starving (this friend told me she had seen how much food was in her fridge and cabinets). Her caregivers stopped coming because she refused to let them in. When she told me to get out and never come back, I calmly asked her how she would get food and clean clothes. After all that, I only came by long enough to clean up, make food and ask her to take her meds. I set all of her bills to autopay so she didn’t see me with them or her checkbook.
She didn’t want to go to a residential facility either, and probably should have gone into one at least a year before she actually did. I told her that she needed to move to a new apartment and that’s what the facility was. I didn’t go visit her (pre Covid) for a while after she moved in because she had become so hostile toward me.
Detach with love and do what you can. But do not accept or internalize abusive behavior. Since she has dementia, it is not really her choice whether or not to go onto a facility—she needs a lot of help and she’s making it impossible for you to give it to her. Just let her be mad about it, over time she will settle in. Ignore feelings of guilt. You are doing an amazing job regardless of what her illness tells you and you are not meant to shoulder all of this indefinitely.
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No you are not obligated to care for her whether you're the trustee or not. And having been diagnosed with VaD, she won't legitimently be able to change any documents she has created. You need to muster up the courage to tell her you can no longer tolerate her animosity and that you are getting a social worker involved. She won't like it but don't be dissuaded. It'll take a real commitment on your part to do this. She can no longer be safe living by herself and your health is at stake. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and explain your situation. There is help out there for you and your mom. You might want to tell her neighbor also so he knows what's going on. The ultimate solution is to place your mom in a care facility where her meds and care will be managed and you can once again get a good night's sleep knowing this.
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So much good advice in the previous comments. So tell us...are you going to follow the advice? I saw in your profile where you promised her to never put her in a facility. Are you going to let that promise going to ruin YOUR life?

You've done more than enough -- caring for her boyfriend and her. She should not be living by herself. And you know that.
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I hope that you changed all of the passwords on accounts after the neighbor helped her access personal info. Assuming you are POA for her since you already have the dementia diagnosis. It's possible you need to talk with an attorney about guardianship. Then you could actually be put in charge of her affairs and any income coming in. An elder attorney would be well worth the expense to ensure you are handling everything correctly and not creating any future bumps in the road.

Caregivers hired would be working for you so that she cannot fire anyone. You'll just have to explain that to them at the onset. Make sure they have access to a key to get in the house if she won't let them in. If mom understands things at all, explain that these people are coming and if she gives them grief, she will have to go to a safer place to live. A neighbor should not be dispensing meds to her without your knowledge - so you may need to talk with the neighbor. Some folks with dementia can be very coherent at times and convincing to those who aren't around them all the time. So approach the neighbor in a way that you are giving her info about the diagnosed dementia and need to avoid having a double dose of meds given.

If your mom is still harping on driving and, perhaps, still has a car. Disable the car and put a note under the hood so that some one doesn't fix it for her. Let it sit in the driveway as a broken vehicle that cannot be fixed if you have to. And avoid the argument of selling or removing the car.

She has really reached a point of needing caregivers in the home. If there is any way to reach her, in a conversation, put emphasis on 'her' safety and see how it goes. You're in a tough spot for sure, but doing less is going to result in the accident that will eventually happen for her. If she doesn't have option of living with you or sibling, it may well be time to go to memory care facility. Dementia is so hard for everyone involved.
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If your mom doesn't think you do anything then don't do anything and tell her she can manage herself since you do very little any way.

She can order her own groceries to be delivered.

Onice she sees that things can't get done then she'll realize what you do.

If she is unable to handle her finances then she needs to sign allowing you to handle them.

If she has a checking account and everything is set up Auto Bill Paid, then just the Checking Account Statement will show where the money went and what for.

Tell the neighbor that you appreciate her willing to help but to mot give your mom a shot without letting you know because you almost gave her a 2nd one that day.

Maybe the neighbor lady can be paid to be a Caregiver a couple hours a day
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My heart breaks for u reading this. The same thing happened to me but it was my Aunt. She " fired" every agency I hired to help her, drove her car into a building, refused to take her medicine, wouldn't let me pay her bills unless she was sitting right there ( I worked and lived an hour away) and drank at least a bottle of wine a night. I took her to all doc appointments, grocery shopping etc. After she got drink and fell one night. She had to go to the ER. The docs there admitted her and determined she was not safe to be home alone. Somehow get your Mom to the ER. Once she's there, ask them to admit her to evaluate her for skilled nursing/ nuerological and psych exam and make a recommendation. In Ohio. If someone is hospitalized for 3 days then Medicare will pay for up to 100 days of skilled nursing. You can use that time to work with a social worker to get long term care set up. If u go through the ER, you will have a team to help you. Tell them she is NOT safe at home alone and she needs evaluated. Once I got my aunt into a skilled place, my story did not end. She told everyone I was stealing from her etc. A cousin, who was her POA before me, told my aunt I was keeping her in the nursing home and she didn't need to be there and she and got her to change POA back to her. The cousin actually went to the police to try to say I took things out of the house. Of course I didn't, but it was awful to have to defend myself. At the end of it all, I decided to let the cousin take over. I could have fought it ( since my aunt had dementia and made me POA before the dementia) but I was exhausted from defending myself and trying to keep her happy. My advice is that sometimes you have to step away. You have to take care of you first. Get her somewhere safe and then take care of you. I have no regrets. God knows I tried my best and someday my aunt will know too that I did everything I could for her.
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I wonder if a stay in a geri-psych ward where they can find the right medication that would calm her mind without doping her up would be an approach to try. I had to use that for a friend of mine who had frontal temporal dementia and would not let anyone clean her up when she soiled herself. It took two weeks to find the right drug and dosage and timing, but she was cooperative until she passed away due to her worsening dementia and she could no longer swallow her food.
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