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My mother has vascular dementia, has lost her license and depends on me for grocery shopping, scheduling doctor's appointment's and interpreting their comments, ordering and giving her her medications, making sure her dogs have meds, calling repair men...use to do her bills but she has accused me of stealing from her. She's told everyone she talks to friends, neighbors, other family members, her cleaner. She got her neighbor to get her into her accounts and the institution determined that I had not been stealing, nothing had been taken out of the account. But she is still accusing me. She has not gone back to anyone and told them that I actually had not been stealing. That same neighbor gave her her Humira injection and I almost gave her another one the same day. I happened to see the used pen on the counter just before I gave her the shot. She blames me for losing her license and not getting it back for her. I spent one year setting up tests neurologist, GP and driving school. She did not past any of the tests, not even close, including cognitive function exam. That was two years ago. I have not stolen from her. I do her paperwork for her. She sat at the table with me while I paid her property taxes online, gave her the receipt and she still accuses me of stealing the money. I've taken care of her for the past 3 years and the previous 4 years I took care of her and her then boyfriend who was in a wheelchair from a stroke. And it goes on and on.


I've hired caregivers to come in and help--but she either runs them off or won't let them in. She did let one come in but would not pay her. I had to pay her. My sister and I both have tried to get her to go into a residential facility but she refuses.


My mother told me that I don't do much for her. I can't do anymore and I'm thinking about doing less. My sister lives 3 hours away so I do everything.


I'm so tired and unhappy.

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"She refuses"..... when I see those words my stomach turns because that tells me some adult child somewhere is trying to keep some half-baked elder safe and likely walking on egg-shells while the elder continues to "refuse" help, and in many cases (like yours, and mine btw) treating the adult child poorly and even with abuse.

Stop doing things for her. Let her realize she DOES need help. If she calls you for help tell her that it's time for assisted living. If she refuses and expects you to endlessly prop up her charade of "independence" with little appreciation tell her you are done. She can either go to ALF with your help and guidance, or the state can decide her future, how her money is spent, and what facility she ends up living in.

See if that changes her tune.
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lkdrymom Nov 2020
I agree. Slowly back away. Let her see how much you really do but not doing any of it. I have never been able to understand why so many people continue to try and help those who treat them badly or accuse them falsely.
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No you are not obligated to care for her whether you're the trustee or not. And having been diagnosed with VaD, she won't legitimently be able to change any documents she has created. You need to muster up the courage to tell her you can no longer tolerate her animosity and that you are getting a social worker involved. She won't like it but don't be dissuaded. It'll take a real commitment on your part to do this. She can no longer be safe living by herself and your health is at stake. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and explain your situation. There is help out there for you and your mom. You might want to tell her neighbor also so he knows what's going on. The ultimate solution is to place your mom in a care facility where her meds and care will be managed and you can once again get a good night's sleep knowing this.
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Appreciate knowing that someone understands what it's like.
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You are dealing with someone suffering from a Dementia. The one who does the most, gets the crap.

I hope someone has POA because its needed now. If its effective upon Mom being incompetent to handle her own affairs, then time for you to take over. Get a letter from the Neurologist confirming the diagnosis. Its now what Mom needs, not what she wants. She is not capable in making informed decisions. You need to make those decisions for her. If she can afford it, an AL would be nice. If not, that may be a problem because Dementia alone may not get her into LTC unless more advanced.

Try (and its hard) to let what Mom says roll off your back. Chalk it up to the Dementia. Not sure why, but money always seems to be something they are fixated on.

Your neighbor seems to be a good person. You might mention that if she gives Mom a shot, she needs to inform u she did so. Actually, I would not have any medication within reach of your Mom. I did a med planner every week for Mom. That and her meds went on the highest shelf in her kitchen cabinets. My nephew gave her her meds daily. Never letting her see where he got them from.
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disgustedtoo Nov 2020
Most everything here is spot on.

The one they see/rely on the most is usually the one pooped on.
The meds need to be out of reach for others, including the neighbor.
If you understand dementia, you understand this is what they do/say.
Their reality has changed and you have to adjust to it, not change it.
Hard as it is, try to let these things roll on by. Don't take them to heart.

As for the finances, I would ask sister to take her out and take EVERY bill, statement, any and ALL paperwork out of the house. I had to do this with my mother, after I took over her finances. She was digging out old papers and confusing me with them! Out of sight, out of mind. She never asked about them. I didn't live nearby, so I temp forwarded her mail to me, so I could get all the billers, addresses and phone numbers and have billing address changed to my address. From there I could set up payments online every month (I don't do the auto-pay.) This doesn't work for federal mail, such as SS paperwork. If you are managing her SS funds, you should sign up as rep payee (legally SS requires this anyway.) If she doesn't see any bills or statements, she can't complain about them! I took POA to CU and changed the address on the account (she had added YB and I already long ago.) The one thing I missed was the insurance, as that was billed/paid yearly. When that came, she called the bank to get checks. They were sent to me. She called again and was told I have them. Never heard a word from her!!

It's nice to want to share with her and explain, and show her, but this is what is in her head and you can't change that. As for what she tells others, unless they are going to poke their nose in, ignore it. If the bank checked and said all was good, get it in writing - if need be, show that to the busybodies to shut them up. Tell them mom has dementia and THINKS all kinds of things are going on that are not. It's none of their business, but if telling them this will stop them poking in where they aren't wanted, go for it!

For moving: mom's plans before dementia included AL. After, nope. I tried various times to bring up AL, nope. Brothers suggested living with them. Nope. Initially I tried bringing in aides, 1hr/day, to get her used to them and planned to increase days/times as needed. Nope. Less than 2 months later, she refused to let them in. So, plan B was to find a nice place for her. EC atty told me we couldn't force her to move, despite having dementia, and we would have to seek guardianship. Facility chosen wouldn't accept a committal. So, we had to create a scenario. She was actually the catalyst, as she injured her shin and developed cellulitis. YB wrote fake letter from Hospital saying she either moves where we choose, or they will place her! Madder than a wet hen, but she went with bros (I stayed OUT of the actual move.) Once in MC, she can't get out, so despite begging YB (never me!!) to take her back to the condo, she was there to stay. 9 months later, she forgot the condo and focused on her mother and her previous house (40+ years gone and 25+ years sold.)

So, start planning now. Check out places and make a plan. Get all the paperwork out and have bills mailed to you. Figure out what furniture and clothing, etc will fit in the place(s) you like. When the time comes, have those items moved while you and/or sister take her out, and bring her there, presumably for lunch or dinner, then excuse yourselves to use the bathroom or something and leave.

When dementia is at work, we can't wait for them to agree to anything. Mom was adamant and repeated all the time that she was "fine, independent and could cook." Answer: D - none of the above. We couldn't leave her there, as anything could happen. If we hadn't planned the move when we did, the cellulitis could've killed her before I went for the next visit/grocery trip! Wandering. Starting fires. Falling/getting hurt. Other medical emergencies. There are just so many dangers for those with dementia!
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I don't know what legitimate diagnosis you have on your Mom, but even a POA may not allow you to place her in memory care without her permission. And it looks like that is where this is heading. I would stop playing co in keeping Mom in her home. It clearly now is dangerous for her in terms of medications and in terms of money at risk with neighbor around.
If Mom does end up with hospitalization (almost a given with vascular dementia) you may have a social worker who, with one simple call to a judge, can get you "temporary guardianship" and who can find appropriate placement for her.
Piper is correct in that when we on forum see the words "but Mom refuses" it triggers something within us. My brother was diagnosed with "probable" early Lewy's Dementia, and was still so with it that he literally BEGGED me to help him sell his home, get him settled in a good ALF, take over management of bills, account, become Trustee of his Trust and keep him safe. That so rarely happens. Usually what happens is what is happening to your Mom and you.
Think of utilizing APS for "adult at risk" when Mom doesn't allow your care, and is in a position of being possible prey to a group of people "caring for her". In all likelihood these are good and caring and concerned people. But it only takes that one bad apple to lead to catastrophe in some way.
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disgustedtoo Nov 2020
"If Mom does end up with hospitalization (almost a given with vascular dementia)..."

Could you elaborate? Is there something about vascular dementia I haven't seen? Honestly I don't think waiting for that "emergency" is the right way to tackle the issue. It is often suggested, and that's fine for those who aren't cognitively challenged and refuse to move. For those with dementia, we still aren't "allowed" to make them do what they refuse to do, but we have to tackle these issues with some sense! Police won't take license away until AFTER the accident. Am I going to wait for mom to kill herself or someone else? Nope. Same for her refusal to move. Guardianship gives you the power, but the facility wouldn't take her if we did that. We just had to get creative, come up with a plausible fib and take her there (staff actually told me "just get her here, we'll take it from there.)

Mom was and has been healthy and doing just fine in MC these past 4 years. NO hospitalizations. We never had her tested, but all fingers point to vascular dementia. In her case, I don't see why she would have ended up in a hospital if we didn't have to move her. She was already 90 or 91 when I realized something was up and did my research. She was 92-3 when we moved her to MC. No medical emergencies, living there almost 4 years, until she had a stroke early October this year. She REFUSED to be taken to the hospital (EMT called me, like I'm going to force her to go? I left it for him - if YOU can convince her to go, fine, but NO hospitalization. Not even sure what taking her there and testing was going to accomplish - she refused still. She even got mad at the nurse for calling them!)

Now, in my reply to another comment, I did mention cellulitis, which is a serious infection. She injured her shin, didn't mention it to any of us, but did tell neighbor she "bruised" her leg. Neighbor called me to report this. I was unable to go check at the time, but OB was arriving the next night for the planned move. I instructed him to send a picture and when I got it, I had to almost threaten him to take her NOW to the ER. So, yes, she had to go to the ER, but that would NOT have happened if we weren't moving her!

That said, most likely if we were not moving her at that time, she wouldn't have made it to a hospital - she'd be dead. She didn't have enough sense to know it was bad and could lead to sepsis. My car was out of commission and next trip down to get or bring supplies and visit probably would've been too late.

So, I'm not a big fan of the "wait for the emergency", not when dealing with those who have cognitive disorders. They are a walking disaster waiting to happen! Although we can't force them (even staff told me they can't force residents to do what they refuse to do, they have to get creative and coax them, often making it seem like their idea!), there are ways to work "around" the refusal. Given a choice of having my mother injure herself, burn the place down, wander and get lost, better to have her pissed off at us!
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I have a similar situation. And It is so draining. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under me every time I get the energy up to take care of all her stuff in addition to my own. She makes me want to give up, again and again. The more I do the worse it gets. But, you can't really walk away from your own mother. Especially when she is very old. But, she refuses to do anything positive, argues every little thing, is nasty and downright uncooperative regarding safety issues. Then she gets mad at ME when I have to watch out for her and am doing all the work! I'm too old for this. I do love all the comments. Thanks for bringing this issue up. Take care.
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"My sister and I both have tried to get her to go into a residential facility but she refuses".

Of course. From Mother's point of view: Why leave her home? Where she is comfortable. Where she has daughters at her beck & call.

So the current arrangent works for Mother. But does it work for you? For your Sister?

If not, obtain a Social Worker to assisted with the steps necessary.

This may be adding non-family home help - or it may be placement in a memory care residence.

Vascular Dementia is a beast - robbing people of their empathy, reasoning & judgement (although some personalities may have lacked empathy & been entitled since year dot...)

If reason is gone, you will need to go behind the scenes & just arrange it.

Many hope for change but I find being ACTIVE is better.

Best of luck. Let us know how you progress.
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disgustedtoo Nov 2020
"Many hope for change but I find being ACTIVE is better."

Or the hospital emergency...

ACTIVE IS BETTER! Otherwise, it might be too late...

I posted some of what we did in response to other comments.
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So much good advice in the previous comments. So tell us...are you going to follow the advice? I saw in your profile where you promised her to never put her in a facility. Are you going to let that promise going to ruin YOUR life?

You've done more than enough -- caring for her boyfriend and her. She should not be living by herself. And you know that.
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It seems like an impossible situation to be in, doesn’t it?

No one can force a parent to go into a facility.

Adult children become frustrated. Parents become very dependent on their children.

It’s a never ending cycle! Honestly, your sibling could live 5 minutes away and still do nothing! I dealt with this in my family. It usually does fall on one person.

Does anyone have a perfect answer? Nope! It depends on your particular circumstances.

I do wish you the very best and hope with all of my heart that you find the best solution possible for your situation.
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You can't change your mother. You can't reason with her broken brain. You can only change you. Your mother does not get to refuse what's in her best interest. You have accepted her nonsense long enough - even explained yourself to her countless times - and clearly that's not working out for you although it's working out great for your mother!

You are tired and unhappy. The only thing that will make you feel less tired and less unhappy is joining forces with your sister and putting her in ALF. Stop propping her up in her charade of independence. Her needs will only increase.

Stop her as soon as she starts accusing you of anything. Tell her "No, you will not speak to me like that".

Until you find a spot for her, please pay caregivers using her checkbook, not yours. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad. You just need to get through the transition period between her living alone and moving to ALF.

You need to have a heart to heart with your sister. You need to be honest with your sister that you no longer can "do everything" for your mother. Ask her to tour ALFs near her. Tell her you will be touring ALFs near you. Get the ball rolling.
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Starting with some comments from your profile:

"My sister says she would help my mother if mother went into a Care Home and made my sister successor trustee."
and
"...diagnosed with vascular dementia since 2009..."

Not likely your mother is of sound enough mind to make these changes. Sometimes in early dementia they can still sign paperwork, but now? I doubt it. Even the change in 2013 might be questionable, but that's not the subject here. Also, talk is cheap. She *says* she would help (how many on the forum have heard that before???)

"I was one of those who promised to never put her in a home."

Hindsight, 20/20. Very often we recommend not saying this to a LO. All too often is isn't a promise we can keep. However, even if you DIDN'T "promise" this, she'd still refuse to move. That isn't the real issue, which is how to get her to move. We had to use a fib to facilitate mom's move (elsewhere discussed what EC atty said and what we did - mom was NOT going to move!) I never promised my mother anything. The biggest issue, esp for older adults, is what they have for images of a "home" - dating back SO long ago! They were likely dreary awful places!
This is a promise that you are going to have to break. You either need to find a place and move her there, or give in and let the state take over, but either way, she'll end up in a "home." It would be better for you and her to choose the place that YOU like, and not let the state make that decision, plus take and allocate ALL of her assets.

"She refused to pay the last home care giver I hired, she ran her off and I had to pay."

Do you have POA? Why on earth would you pay if you have POA? Use her funds to pay. I never asked my mother to pay ME, but would have her pay for items I purchased for her. Once I took over her account, I was able to get a debit card in my name for her account (two of us were on the acct.) I use that for her purchases.

"She won't even let them in."

Been there, done that. Tried bringing in aides with plan to increase when needed and keep her in her own place longer. Less than 2 months, nope, not coming in!

"I need to find out if I'm obligated to take care of her because I'm successor trustee."

"A Successor Trustee is the person responsible for administering the trust after its Grantor either passes away or becomes “Incapacitated” – that is, unable to administer the trust for themselves." (www.freewill.com)

NOTHING about that talks about caring for the person. Some people even think accepting POAs means you care for the person - NO. Even guardianship wouldn't require caring for the person. ANYONE can be named a trustee, POA or guardian, even a non-relative. Do you think they would accept that "honor" if it meant caring physically for the person? Nope!

"I wonder if I can refuse to be ST."

That's a bit more complicated, BUT, it could take legal action and if there's no secondary appointed, does the state step in? I wouldn't recommend resigning or trying to change the trustee. You are NOT required to care for the person, just managing the trust when they no longer can. Caring for her is what we need to focus on. Finding a way to move her to a safe facility, despite her refusal to move. I also touched on this in replies to other comments. I will repeat here that the EC atty told me we couldn't force mom to move, despite dementia, and suggested guardianship, but the facility wouldn't take her then. We had to "wing" it, and come up with a fib scenario that worked. Better to have mom angry with you from a distance than what you're dealing with now, all the time!

I also discussed what to do about the finances in other replies. You need to get all paperwork out, have billing address changed to yours, sign up for rep payee, do not work with her on finances, take it over and away!
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sassyisie Nov 2020
I had the same problem except it was my older sister! She would hide oil bills ,electric bills & would bring out older bills to pay! She would think she ate ,but had not !Phone me at crazy times & at times mad at the whole world! I would tell her that I would be out to visit her — she would forget I was coming & I would pass her going to town!!She would accuse people of stealing & on & on!
In the end my sister weighed 97 pounds I ended up having to place her in a home!I was her only family!There are many changes Alzheimer patients go through-none the same as another person!Its seven years now & she does not know me can only have puréed foods!
They take very good care of my sister in the nursing home & that’s all I can ask for! Don’t make yourself feel guilty it is the disease!
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I can empathize. My husband and I took care of my Alzheimer's-ridden mom for 5 years and 3 months. She'd sometimes accuse me of stealing-potato chips! She had some, forgot that she had eaten them, and then accused me of stealing them! She also accused my friends of coming in and stealing or trying on her bathing suits. I tried to explain to her that my friends have their own bathing suits, and wouldn't need to steal hers, but it fell on deaf ears. She'd sometimes tell me to "Drop dead and go someplace warm." This could be over nothing, by the way. I'd say, "Mom, do you want scrambled eggs or grits for breakfast, " and she'd give me my marching orders to go to that warm place. The tenth time she told me this, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that developing a sense of humor helped in these matters. I even wrote a book about our travails dealing with her, called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I have a chapter in there entitled "Steel Yourself for Stealing" Just know that your mom's accusations are the disease talking, and not her.
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Doggomom Nov 2020
You just reminded me of how my mom would always ask me if I wanted her dead. I tried to tell her that was a horrible thing to say and that just seemed to make her say it more, so instead, I’d just say what I really wanted her to do. So she’d say, “ Do you want me dead?” And I’d say, “Actually I’d rather you just sit down and eat your lunch.”
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I emphasize what you are going through. You're doing everything can do help your mom. You're a devoted and a good daughter! I feel your frustration and devastation.. Your mom suffers from Dementia and I think her thinking ability has been debilitating as times goes ( Her false accusations towards you is part of her condition and please don't take it personally. ) If I were you I would talk to her primary doctor as soon as possible talk about your situation and because you can't do this by yourself. I hope you find best solution for your situation...
I sending you ((hug)) and strength. You're in my prayers. Take care of yourself.
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If your mom doesn't think you do anything then don't do anything and tell her she can manage herself since you do very little any way.

She can order her own groceries to be delivered.

Onice she sees that things can't get done then she'll realize what you do.

If she is unable to handle her finances then she needs to sign allowing you to handle them.

If she has a checking account and everything is set up Auto Bill Paid, then just the Checking Account Statement will show where the money went and what for.

Tell the neighbor that you appreciate her willing to help but to mot give your mom a shot without letting you know because you almost gave her a 2nd one that day.

Maybe the neighbor lady can be paid to be a Caregiver a couple hours a day
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First, don’t take her accusations personally. It’s not her, it’s the dementia. As it progresses and people begin to realize she has it, they will no longer take her accusations seriously (if they even do now). My mother told her friends that I had maxed out her credit card and she was broke. One person checked with me as to whether that was true and I confirmed that it was not, and she took me at my word. She also told them that I left her in the middle of a park and made her walk home, my husband punched her, i was regularly abusing her, I stole her car and wrecked it (this a few hours after she had been sitting in the very intact car, parked on her property), I wasn’t giving her any food and she was starving (this friend told me she had seen how much food was in her fridge and cabinets). Her caregivers stopped coming because she refused to let them in. When she told me to get out and never come back, I calmly asked her how she would get food and clean clothes. After all that, I only came by long enough to clean up, make food and ask her to take her meds. I set all of her bills to autopay so she didn’t see me with them or her checkbook.
She didn’t want to go to a residential facility either, and probably should have gone into one at least a year before she actually did. I told her that she needed to move to a new apartment and that’s what the facility was. I didn’t go visit her (pre Covid) for a while after she moved in because she had become so hostile toward me.
Detach with love and do what you can. But do not accept or internalize abusive behavior. Since she has dementia, it is not really her choice whether or not to go onto a facility—she needs a lot of help and she’s making it impossible for you to give it to her. Just let her be mad about it, over time she will settle in. Ignore feelings of guilt. You are doing an amazing job regardless of what her illness tells you and you are not meant to shoulder all of this indefinitely.
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Dear NoLife,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. What you say about your Mother is very similar to my experience. Very accusatory to me. I know I am lucky that my Dad is still alive and does most of the day to day items, I handle the medical end. She has even gone as far to say she will call the authorities on me. I keep a copy of her medical paperwork with her diagnoses in my car, to give me some comfort when she does that. I recently had a friend tell me, those with Dementia, you can't have them come into your world, you have to let them accept you into their world. I'm still working on how to do that.

For your Mom's safety, you may want to call her neighbor and set up a time to talk. Thank her for helping your Mom, sounds like she can help you. Show her your Mom's medical diagnoses. Work out a system so she is letting you know is she gives your Mom any meds so its not duplicated.

I hope this helps you some. Good luck!
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I see my sister in you. She (and you) cares deeply, wants absolutely the best care first, for her mother-in-law, now for our mother. Her MIL accused her of stealing and of all sorts of nasty things. It took my sister several years of this abuse to simply stop trying to visit her every day and do all the things she felt her MIL should have. Now she is going through something similar with our mother, though Mom has not accused her of stealing, but she does accuse her of throwing things away. In truth, she has never thrown away anything but rotten food from the back of the refrigerator.

You are too kind. Literally. You have a big heart and you want your mother to have the kind of care that you think you would like in her place. However, that seems not to be what she wants. If she wanted the caregivers she would let them in.

Stop. Catch your breath. Then leave your Mom alone for a while. Do less. A lot less. Give it a few days or a week before you arrive at her doorstep again. Do only what you really want to do, not everything that you think ought to be done. Let your mother live the way that she seems to think she wants to live for a while. Close your eyes to the mess.

After you both recover from the struggle between you caused by you trying to give more "help" than she thinks she needs, reassess. Talk to your mom about what she really wants, really needs. Do not impose on her your desires for her. Rather, let her know that you love her and want her well-cared for, but that you will listen to what she wants. Let her have less care if she wants it--so long as she is not physically in danger she has a right to live as she wishes. She may prefer her privacy to a perfectly kept house. She may not mind if she wears the same clothes 3 days in a row. Believe me, she would much prefer to see you as a friend and daughter than as a control-freak keeper. In her mind that may be what you have become. Think about the facts: she is nearing the end of her life, she is not capable of everything she was accustomed to doing 20 years ago, she wants to be able to do what she can for herself, she wants some peace and quiet. You cannot remake her, it will be easier to adapt to who she is now and who she is becoming. When/if a move to residential care is necessary it needs to be a choice you can make together, if at all possible.

Now, about that sister thing. I live a 20 minute drive from my Mom, another sister is even closer. One sister lives 2 hours away and really can only phone Mom, which she does daily. The one sister who takes on so much also lives about a 15-20 minute drive from Mom. I know she wishes that the other 2 daughters living close by would do more. What she doesn't see is that we are doing what we--and Mom--want done. We are not interested in becoming housekeepers, launderers, slaves; we are interested in making Mom as happy and comfortable as we can in her waning years. We keep her company, do fun little things with/for her. In our minds, when Mom wants to live in a place where the laundry and housekeeping get done for her she will make arrangements for such a place. We see our duty, as daughters, to care for her emotional well-being, not everything. So the other sister doesn't understand us or our positions, but we don't argue about it. We each do as we see fit.

You may want to ask your sister to make regular phone calls to your Mom to cheer her up and to help keep tabs on her. That is something she can do to help you. You might be surprised how much easier it is to get a 2 minute call from your sister with the report "I talked to Mom, she's fine" than to do all the checking yourself. I urge you, don't even try to do "everything." It is more than anyone should try to do. But, you are like my sister, and I think you will have a hard time letting go. Please try, you deserve some peace and quiet yourself.
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You need to adjust your thinking and understanding of dementia.
It sounds like your mother needs to be in a locked facility "if" she won't allow caregivers in the house - or that she should not be living alone and may need a live-in caregiver.

The brain is - has - changed and this manifests into fear, fantasy, hallucinations, etc. Once you understand that it 'isn't your mother' talking - it IS the dementia acting out. and that she cannot help it, you will not take her behavior 'so' personally. This requires you being willing to shift out of your current automatic thinking behavior.

The main (if not only) change you can make is how you deal with yourself. Learn to stay grounded, centered, focused. "Of course" you will revert to feeling hurt, angry, etc., however you need to quickly check yourself and re-align.

Re-aligning can take different forms / behaviors of yours:
1. re-affirm that this 'isn't my mother' it is the dementia talking/acting out.
2. Learn to shift into compassion (for your mom and YOURself).
3. Have a response ready and insure it is not confrontational or create a response in her to be adverse, i.e., "I understand how you feel."
4. As you can, remove yourself from the room for a minute to an hour to however long you can to regroup and give YOURSELF compassion and self-love.
5. Lower lower and then lower again your expectations of your mom. In fact, I learned decades ago in a workshop to NOT have expectations. It is not easy although it is a healthy mindset to develop for your well-being and equanimity.
6. You are headed for or already in BURNOUT. You need 'a village' of support - enlist volunteers, church people, dog walkers, and socialization support through phone calls to your mom (and you if you feel it will support you).
7. Check into social services (IHSS?) for seniors.
8. Learn how to find balance in your own life by creating 'pockets' of self-love time -- even 5 minutes to meditate, buy yourself some flowers as a reminder of the essence of goodness you are . . . keep / start a journal to get out anger, grief, sadness.
9. Realize you can only change yourself, not your mom - or perhaps not your sister.
10. If your sister can't be there in person, ask her to contribute $ to find careg or someone to give you a regular respite.
11. Let us know here if you try any of these suggestions and how it works for you. Changing yourself (ourselves) is often NOT easy. Our life depends on it, or certainly the quality of our life. Get into therapy if you can. Enlist social services if they are not currently involved.
12. In line with no expectations, do realize that your mom is confused, fearful and lashing out due to how she feels about herself and her life; it is not about you. Gena
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I hope that you changed all of the passwords on accounts after the neighbor helped her access personal info. Assuming you are POA for her since you already have the dementia diagnosis. It's possible you need to talk with an attorney about guardianship. Then you could actually be put in charge of her affairs and any income coming in. An elder attorney would be well worth the expense to ensure you are handling everything correctly and not creating any future bumps in the road.

Caregivers hired would be working for you so that she cannot fire anyone. You'll just have to explain that to them at the onset. Make sure they have access to a key to get in the house if she won't let them in. If mom understands things at all, explain that these people are coming and if she gives them grief, she will have to go to a safer place to live. A neighbor should not be dispensing meds to her without your knowledge - so you may need to talk with the neighbor. Some folks with dementia can be very coherent at times and convincing to those who aren't around them all the time. So approach the neighbor in a way that you are giving her info about the diagnosed dementia and need to avoid having a double dose of meds given.

If your mom is still harping on driving and, perhaps, still has a car. Disable the car and put a note under the hood so that some one doesn't fix it for her. Let it sit in the driveway as a broken vehicle that cannot be fixed if you have to. And avoid the argument of selling or removing the car.

She has really reached a point of needing caregivers in the home. If there is any way to reach her, in a conversation, put emphasis on 'her' safety and see how it goes. You're in a tough spot for sure, but doing less is going to result in the accident that will eventually happen for her. If she doesn't have option of living with you or sibling, it may well be time to go to memory care facility. Dementia is so hard for everyone involved.
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I can relate
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My heart breaks for u reading this. The same thing happened to me but it was my Aunt. She " fired" every agency I hired to help her, drove her car into a building, refused to take her medicine, wouldn't let me pay her bills unless she was sitting right there ( I worked and lived an hour away) and drank at least a bottle of wine a night. I took her to all doc appointments, grocery shopping etc. After she got drink and fell one night. She had to go to the ER. The docs there admitted her and determined she was not safe to be home alone. Somehow get your Mom to the ER. Once she's there, ask them to admit her to evaluate her for skilled nursing/ nuerological and psych exam and make a recommendation. In Ohio. If someone is hospitalized for 3 days then Medicare will pay for up to 100 days of skilled nursing. You can use that time to work with a social worker to get long term care set up. If u go through the ER, you will have a team to help you. Tell them she is NOT safe at home alone and she needs evaluated. Once I got my aunt into a skilled place, my story did not end. She told everyone I was stealing from her etc. A cousin, who was her POA before me, told my aunt I was keeping her in the nursing home and she didn't need to be there and she and got her to change POA back to her. The cousin actually went to the police to try to say I took things out of the house. Of course I didn't, but it was awful to have to defend myself. At the end of it all, I decided to let the cousin take over. I could have fought it ( since my aunt had dementia and made me POA before the dementia) but I was exhausted from defending myself and trying to keep her happy. My advice is that sometimes you have to step away. You have to take care of you first. Get her somewhere safe and then take care of you. I have no regrets. God knows I tried my best and someday my aunt will know too that I did everything I could for her.
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My God how your situation mirrors my own. Everything you have detailed, I am going through with my mother. And first and foremost I would like to say that I sincerely understand what you are going through. And I send to you my deepest gratitude. Though I'm not certain if my post/response will benefit you. Given I'm in the thick of it. And I've suddenly have found myself at a crossroads. As I sit reading your post. All the while trying so to desperately ignore my mother who is ranting, raving and screaming to the top of her lungs in the the living room. That I am responsible for every hardship she has ever known. That I am stealing her money, meds and that I am physically harming her. I can honestly say at this moment that I feel defeated. I'm tired, bitter, angry and yes I am resentful. When I look in the mirror I do not recognize my own reflection. For I am so weighed down by shouldering the never-ending needs and responsibilities of caring for my mother. I didn't sign up for this. I hate this. And I've tried asking, pleading for help. But no one bothers. They just say ignore her. And then they go on living their lives. I pray constantly. But it seems the more I pray the worser things get. And just recently I lost my job. Now it wasn't the world's greatest job. And truth be told I hated being there. But it was my only outlet and/or release from this situation. I've tried talking to her doctors. But honestly my mother has just slipped through the cracks. And no one really wants to be bothered with her. Sure from time to time people call her. But her main focus or topic of conversation is me. And everything that I'm doing wrong. Or that I'm hurting her or harming her. And the saddest thing of all. Is that people entertain this obvious insanity. And promote her outlandish theories. I feel trapped. Especially now with all this COVID stuff going on. I often try to see the sliver lining. And look towards a brighter tomorrow. But this is really starting to get the best of me. My mother clearly needs to be in an institution. She needs professional care. But no one hears me. And everyone just assumes that I have an abundance of strength stored somewhere in a treasure chest. And they say oh you can do this. And you can do that. Never once taking into account that I am barely hanging on. I have to oversee everything. Every aspect of each and every agonizing day. And I'm not rich. I'm poor as poor can be. All my youth I've wasted being at my mother's side. So yes I feel cheated. And I hate to admit this. But sometimes I wish she would just go too sleep and never wake up. I've done my part. I've done and given more than I've ever should. I hate to just walk away. But there is nothing more I can do here. I know this post/response doesn't quite help your situation. And usually when I post I sincerely love to give words of encouragement. And send hope to everyone. But today as I read your post. All I can say is God Bless you and God Bless us all.
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ToniFromRVA Nov 2020
I'm so sorry for how overwhelmed you sound. Defeated. You are a victim of emotional & verbal abuse. You're burned out & probably dealing with depression. Find someone now to watch her so that you can get out of the house even if it's just for a short period of time. Please call The Alzheimer's Assoc. to seek help (resources ) & get some respite care. Join one of their support groups. Check in with your PCP, unless you have a psychiatrist +/or psychologist, to get immediate help to deal with your feelings about the abuse, burnout & depression. You can't care for anyone when you feel this way. Your health is at risk. Reach out for emergency help if needed. I'm concerned about you. 🙏🙏
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Firstly you have to remember that its not her fault. Its heart breaking but you and your sister have to stop for a short time to let the social workers do the job of placing her in care as the will see that she cannot care for herself . You will have to contact them and let them know everything so they can step in and also it should be free. If she lives in a bought house the only downfall there is that they will sell it to pay for the home unless you move your mum into a council house that has a warden that helps and you sell it, I've seen it done before or get it changed into your name first. You can look it up to find out the process of this. It might be a good idea to place a wifi camera in her home to record everything that happens when she's left alone it may also give you a bit of peace of mind being able to watch her in case of any emergencies eg cooker left on, but don.t rush around just call the necessary services needed. She sounds as if she really needs residential care so i would definitely leave it up to the social workers or carers to place her i it then you can't be blamed.
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I wonder if a stay in a geri-psych ward where they can find the right medication that would calm her mind without doping her up would be an approach to try. I had to use that for a friend of mine who had frontal temporal dementia and would not let anyone clean her up when she soiled herself. It took two weeks to find the right drug and dosage and timing, but she was cooperative until she passed away due to her worsening dementia and she could no longer swallow her food.
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Sounds like she is darn angry at what is happening to her and most definitely is getting dementia and is taking it out on you. I would first collaborate with the doctors to see if anything medically can be done but I doubt it. What I do think is that, and I do not care why she is as she is - it cannot continue - you have to put an immediate stop to her behavior and her verbalizing what she says. If you don't stop it, it will greatly harm your self-respect, your peace, and your overall physical and mental well-being. If she will not cooperate, then either find someone in the family to totally take over (good luck) or prepare to place her no matter how she howls. I will not allow anyone to abuse me no matter who or what. I went through hell in my life and learned all too late in life to make sure it stops at once or I walk away forever. Get a Power of Attorney and work with the doctor to "force" her into a facility. YOU should NOT have to put up with this and if you do, you are doomed and a fool.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2020
If the person is still competent,not legally declared incompetent, you cannot force them to do anything or force them into care....
youve been on this forum long enough to know this.....
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Who holds Power of Attorney over your Mothers affairs? Without that questioned answered there is not much we can do to help you? If You do not hold Power of Attorney your options are:
1) Most likely having a rational discussion with your Mother is a passed thing by now. So you can tolerate her bahvior
2) Tell her and for that matter put in writing to her you can no longer tolerate being treated like this and she is on her own. You and your sister should have this conversation with her together. There comes a point your personal sanity and well being can no longer take getting kicked in the head and you have to protect your own well being.
3)If you had Power of Attorney you could arrange to move her to a facility without her going along with it.
In these final years of life there are no easy answers. My wife and I tolerated her Mother for many years. It demolished our marriage. Finally my wife could no longer tolerate her and put her in a home. You make no mention of a spouse for you?
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Imho, your mother may require facility living. Prayers sent.
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first I would speak with the neighbor and let them know that they are NOT to be giving your mom any meds, etc.  What would have happened if you didn't notice that she had already been given the meds......that would have been maybe an ER trip.  Let the neighbor know that you ARE taking care of her.......and also that they should have NEVER even helped her to get into her account.  what kind of info does that neighbor have now?  Do you have POA or guardianship?  I would speak with the doctor if you can to see about getting her into an AL place.  check with the office of aging, and get in touch with an Elder attorney to find out the steps to be taken, etc.  wishing you luck.
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If your mom has been diagnosed with dementia then I would think that the ball is in your court sad to say but it sounds like you and your sister call all the shots take the extra time to have her placed if she wants it or not , cantact a family law attorney and get the advice that you need.good luck and just know that it will work it's self all out.
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Could her behavior be attempted attention seeking? We have dealt with the same, only to find her plot twisted as shared with each
family member. ( meds, bathing, groceries, need for rides, meal consumption...)
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