Dad is a narcissist. He's always been one. Our issues go way back. Since he had a stroke, his behavior is on steroids, he's verbally and emotionally abusive. They have a live in aide now, who is more like a glorified companion that gets $200 a day cash. He said if I don't completely take over mom's care, I can't know anything. He sarcastically said you're too busy, you have a child (I do, she's 5). He said I'm the daughter who should be taking care of her mother. He again sarcastically said he has his own "baby" and "issues". He has not set up anything for Mom as far as POA, no trust for her in case he goes first, doesn't care if she goes to follow ups, doesn't care if she refuses care, such as PT. She just refused an MRI in the hospital this past week.
Mom has dementia, fecal incontinence, refuses care, smokes, has gotten so weak she can't walk, can't remember to eat, can't cook, or use the microwave (just a few things).
My husband told my dad he should contact an elder attorney and set something up for mom. I refuse to clean up the chaos he creates any longer. He gets enjoyment of leaving chaos for me to clean up. For example, he has literally said it looks like someone sh*t all over the bathroom, go clean it up. It took me three hours to clean that bathroom. The entire time the house heat was jacked to 84 degrees. I was crying, covered in sweat, feces, and bleach. Yes, I asked him to turn the heat down. He said, "what about me???"
He didn't even tell us the hospital moved her to a rehab facility yesterday. I had to call around to the local ones to see where she's at. He makes it impossible. Just thinking about dealing with him gets me anxious. I wasn't going to participate, just read on the site. Today finding out he's decided not to tell us anything is the last straw. I don't know what I can do, other than be completely estranged.
I bet your mom is a real sweetie (seriously). Seems that so often the Narcs find the victims in their relationships.
Right now your mom is not home, correct? This would be the time to get her permanently moved to a care facility. Out of your dad's clutches--and away from his abuse. If she has dementia, this may make it easier to do that.
Get your DH to back you up and go visit dad--on your terms and tell him you cannot be a PT CG and you have a life/family that needs you. Tell him he's literally ruining your life with his crazy demands and let him know if needs be you will be going 'legal' on him. (He doesn't need to know that you probably won't)....
Tell him you will no longer come over and clean up messes he's capable of cleaning. Yes, you do have some level of responsibility to mom, to keep her safe and right now, living with him, she's not.
If dad continues to be a jerk, cut all ties with him. He sounds like a piece of work.
You can also call APS on him. Narcs don't do well when they are confronted.
If he's dropping $6K+ a month on private CG's, he can afford a decent NH for her. She probably would be glad to be away from him.
My uncle was a grade-A narc and his sweet wife, my aunt, died of breast cancer at the age of 53. The kids all believed, with all their hearts, that their dad's horrible treatment of her is really what killed her.
The aide's responsibilities include light cleaning and light cooking. The house seems decent. I haven't cleaned for him since that last bathroom incident. Other than packing his house and downsizing his belongings for him when he moved. We bought his house. That was a disaster too. It's where I realized he targeted me, did and said things just to hurt me and get a rise. When I confronted him he said what more do you want, you got the house. I replied with we bought your house. You didn't give it to us. We didn't get a deal either 🤣.
I only spoke to him this past week, because mom was in the hospital. I refused to call him since Oct. It was a nice peaceful run.
My husband has been there for the conversations with my dad. He's 100% with me. What my dad doesn't understand is that my husband and I are a unit. When my husband runs errands for him, it's our time he's using. When I send food to my parents on the holidays, it's from us. My dad only contacts my husband when he wants something. My husband wants nothing to do with my dad at this point.
Consider consulting with an attorney with your husband about how to move forward in gathering evidence of abuse. Or to hear what other options may exist. I am so sorry about this dreadful dreadful situation. It is purely and simply elder abuse.
Thankfully, she is absolutely safe now. I just spoke to her at the rehab. She said everyone is very nice and doesn't need anything. ☺️
Why was your mom in the hospital? Maybe from rehab it will be a good time to move her directly to whatever level of care is appropriate for her. I'm sure you have NO desire to spend another 3 hours cleaning up a poopy bathroom! I would stop doing ANYTHING that helps your dad. Poopy bathroom? Well, dad, you better clean it or call a hazmat service to come do it because I am NEVER doing that again. If mom went into a facility, you'd be able to see her and completely cut your dad out.