We have 3 children but one does all the caregiving for my wife and myself.
One is not physically able so that child does not contribute physically. One child is kind, sweet but offers no help to the other one who does everything.
I feel bad for the one who does it all for us. I often hire someone to take us to the dr etc. Wife is 73. I am 81. Both of us are the natural parents of these 3.
Maybe you just want occasional help? Makes no difference. We all want the best for our kids and for some of them it does not include caring for us.
As an only child and only surviving local family member I do “everything” and have done so off and on for most of my life, out of love and gratitude for those for whom I was caring. My “services” were NEVER expected from any of my LOs, and were always offered because I wanted to offer them.
I did some VERY DIFFICULT THINGS (MY choice) whether LOs were at home, in MY HOME, OR in residential care.
If you raised your children to be as healthy autonomous adults, you gave them “roots and wings”, saved for your later years, and have a plan for those years.
I am older than your wife and slightly younger than you. I would NEVER voluntarily consider living with either of my dearly loved sons or their families.
When/if necessary I will enter a very nice local assisted living facility with stepped care on up to skilled nursing level.
I have told my sons AND social services at the facility that I MAY (involuntarily) protest when the time comes, and that they are to kindly AND FIRMLY disregard anything I say in my dementia.
Pay your own way, meet your needs, keep living YOUR BEST LIFE, love those who love you, don’t expect more than they offer.
If they do, great.
YOU make the plans you need to to care for your husband.
Hire a caregiver to come in a few times a week if you need to. This person can do some light housecleaning, laundry, take you to the store. Or stay with your husband while you run out for a bit.
You hire someone to mow the lawn. If things need to be done around the house hire someone. If the kids or their spouses what to help ask them to do things that you would have to hire someone for.
It might be time to consider looking at Independent or Assisted Living places so that you don't have a lawn to mow, someone will come in and clean. If you need help yourself or your wife needs help staff is there. Yes you pay for that. But no property taxes, gas bill, electric bill, food costs minimal, no lawn to mow or snow to shovel, no property maintenance. Yes there are drawbacks to living in a community but you also have activities and most will provide transportation to shopping, doctor appointments...
Another advantage is that when your husband needs more care most AL facilities will have Memory Care in the same building so transitioning your husband if necessary would not be a problem.
If you are thinking that these options will not leave anything or much for their inheritance I say..this is what you saved for, you saved for your "golden years" well, "golden years" are not all they are cracked up to be.
Better to have your kids come and visit because they WANT to not because they HAVE to.
ALL that glitters is not gold... right? ;-)
"Better to have your kids come and visit because they WANT to not because they HAVE to."
This can't be stressed enough. Expecting our kids to provide all the help we might need is a bit much, given that they likely have families to care for, jobs to maintain, their own homes to take care of, etc.
My former MIL would often get testy about the grandkids not meeting her expectations. Threatening to write them out of her will, etc. is NOT conducive to getting them to care!!! It DOES lead to resentment. While my mother would LOVE to have the grandkids visit, she didn't view it like MIL did.
I am in my mid 60s , I won’t do this , and neither will my children
Sounds like you should use your money to pay for more help for your wife and yourself so that you rely less on your child. Your needs are only going to increase.
If you can afford to hire some help for appointments - errands - house cleaning etc - I would say to try to continue to do so. Maybe if you could explain the extent of care or help you need. It would help others give you ideas on ways to start to prepare and check out additional resources. What kind of help and care does your wife require and do you need help with?
I do believe in families helping each other and being each other’s advocates and participating in each other’s lives - yes the good and the not so good etc - With some drs appointments we may need another set of eyes and ears and asking your child to go with you is understandable. Even before my moms stroke I would help her with things - as she would also help me. If one of us had to have a procedure we would be each other’s driver or drop off - if one of us took our car to the the shop - if one of us was sick - we would both do extra for each other if needed. Sometimes she hired people with heavy lifting things and many times me and my husband helped with basic things etc. I don’t see anything wrong with family helping family. Often it does fall on one child and that does become overwhelming for one person (if a major health crisis falls upon the the family more is needed) so if you want to help the child who is doing all the extra - you could speak with the child who isn’t helping and ask them to what extent they could commit to doing “xyz” for you both.
My moms caregiving came as “not expected” there was no time to prepare -she was working one day and a massive stroke the next - there was no time to plan - it just happened - so I would suggest sitting down as a family now and start planning.
If you are recognizing that you and your wife seem to be in need of more help lately then I would suggest (if possible) to start to thinking about adding some additional resources.
Again I am 100% for family helping family - I think you are seeing that maybe it is becoming too much for one child - so I think sitting down as a family now is your best choice. Discuss the challenges you think you and your wife are starting to need more help with and as family it can help get a better plan for everyone. Your children as well as you can then begin to reach out to local agencies in your area (like Council on Aging - Senior Centers - Elder care planning - churches etc) and come up with a better way for all.
I think your children can be part of your care as well as helping you plan for it (and discuss it now) so that hopefully it can strengthen you as a family to be prepared that going forward. You will need more going forward as well all will and involving them all so they can tell you what parts they can to help you with and what parts they will need additional help with.
I think the biggest lesson I have learned since becoming moms 100% care and advocate was just that I wish we as a family had more knowledge and that we researched local resources while she was healthy so that we wouldn’t have had to deal with so many “unknowns” in the midst of crisis.
If you want your family to stay strong during times of crisis and/or health hardships - do it together and sit down now and have the discussions together so it will allow for a better and healthier way for everyone. Best wishes.
A loving thing to do for your children is not an inheritance, but a release from the unspoken obligation of providing your hands-on daily care. It's only going to get more intense and the 1 child now attempting to meet your expectation is going to burn out, as well as bitter feelings of resentment for the other 2.
From among your children assign 1 or 2 your Durable PoA (medical and financial), create your Advance Care Directive (or POLST), and make a Last Will with an executor. Discuss what you did and why and make it clear that your desire is for there to be no infighting over petty, material things. This kind of wise planning would be a real gift to them...and yourselves.
"I've made it clear to my children that they are under no obligation to house us with them or provide hands-on care for me and their father. We are preparing as best we can to plan and pay for care that does not include them except as PoAs."
In my case, it's just me and my cats. My plan is to set up something for the cats, as neither of my kids want them. For me, I've already told them to find a place, the one mom was in or something similar if that isn't available, and manage things for me as POA. Visits would be nice, but not required other than to ensure I am getting well cared for. I didn't have kids to have nanny slaves for my older years!
"A loving thing to do for your children is not an inheritance, but a release from the unspoken obligation of providing your hands-on daily care."
Inheritance is a nice thing, but it is SO much better to ensure there are funds and plans for our care! I am grateful that mom had assets, both liquid and the condo, to augment the pension and SS to cover her care in MC. I ensured it was all locked away in a trust and only spent it on what SHE needed. It was HER assets. It allowed me to spend my time visiting with her, rather than jeopardizing my health and well-being in trying to provide the care she needed.
Any funds I have are being held in various accounts to be used for my care. IF there's anything left over, bonus for the kids. If not, at least it doesn't impact their lives and livelihoods!
Not everyone has the means to set aside enough for facility or in-home care. This has become a big issue, because most of the care then falls to any family left. Medicaid isn't the solution - in most cases it only covers NH care, which not all qualify for, and the income limits are so low that many don't qualify for it anyway. Current bills they are trying to pass includes funding for more in-home care, but not all will even accept that, if it gets passed. Attempts to keep mom in her condo longer didn't work because she refused to let the aides in.
So my suggestion is to ask your other girls if there is a way they can help to lighten the burden of the sister who is helping. Daughter may not be able to do something physical but maybe take u to appts? Sometimes people don't really realize what a Caregiver does. If you get excuses, then just drop it. You can always adjust your Will accordingly.
I suggest you look into Assisted Living if u have the resources to pay for it. As you age your needs will increase. Not fair one daughter has to handle that care.
It does irk me that YB, who is local and 10 years younger, didn't really maintain contact with mom after she moved to MC. When she was on her last moments, he rushed over, slept on the floor overnight, etc. What good is that to her? During OB's last trip up to assist with condo, I encouraged visits, since he wasn't likely to be able to come a lot to visit later. Initial visit when he arrived was with me - her reaction said it all when she saw him! I sent him there one morning to bring coffee and DD treat, to spend a little time with her. When I suggested it again, he flat out refused, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Just be there. Nope.
It was so sad to hear her ask about my brothers, have I seen them, talked to them, etc. Clearly she missed them, but they couldn't be bothered. Eventually she stopped asking about them. What a sad sad existence.
Are you worried about being a burden and feel interested in spreading out the workload? If you are happy with the care that your daughter is providing, sit down with her to discuss where she might best appreciate a little help. Some family members may be better suited to help with specialized tasks.
Reach out to your other children (and adult grandchildren) with small requests initially. Try your best not to be hurt if they aren’t interested. I expect you will get a range of reactions.
If no one else is willing to step up, consider additional outsourced help. There may be some low-cost and free assistance available through non-profits and volunteer programs where you live. Check with your local council on aging and your religions institution.
Hire one or more aides (so you can find the right “fit”) to get ready for a time when you may need more help.
As for the other children, are you worried that you are drifting apart? Showing favoritism to the helper? Do you just want to stay in touch and get them involved? Plan a few fun outings to get reconnected.
The other children may not have the capacity, capability, patience, time or interest to be helpful in a meaningful way. That is not unusual.
My mother and her sisters did take turns caring for their mother. However she wasn't a problem, no dementia, fairly easy to deal with, pleasant, etc. The time she needed them to care for her (she lived with each family for several months at a time, not in her own place) was in that between time, when we kids were fairly independent and the parents were still working. Nana didn't need to be watched all day, so it worked. She passed on before mom and her sisters retired, so it didn't impact their "senior" years. Mom and dad had a GREAT, LONG retirement. Fast forward - by the time mom showed signs of dementia, she was just over 90, living in her own place still. Two of us are considered "seniors" ourselves, one of whom isn't local, so was of no real help. The other... not enough characters here to explain him! Anyway, it IS difficult for us "kids" to take on the role of caregivers when we have jobs, family to care for, our own homes to maintain, etc. Proximity plays a big role too. I was about 1.5hrs from mom's place, OB was 2 days drive away, YB was living in his pink sky world... Given that someone needed to oversee it all, most all was taken on by me. The only thing that helped, in a way, was getting laid off just before early SS retirement age. There's NO WAY I could have done what I had to do for the 6+ years if I was still working. Given my own physical limitations, there's NO WAY I could take on her care myself.
So, bottom line is if our children WANT to help and CAN help, then fine. Otherwise, expecting them to take on this role is expecting too much.
I am currently bed bound for the next 3 weeks (6+ in total) for a surgery that fixed a broken foot. I can't walk at all, just sitting here, reading, crafting and thank goodness, sleeping a lot.
I have 3 kids nearby. I have seen one of them, and that was just a 'potty stop', not a visit.
DH swore he could handle all the stuff I do around here---nope, after 3 weeks he admitted to being an epic fail at it. It's been good b/c he now 'gets' that we need a different layout for our retired house--anyway, my point is, he has not kept up the yard at all and the lawn is either crispy-dead or lush and green b/c he left the water running for 2 days at a stretch. Laundry befuddles him, grocery shopping, he got half the stuff and was gone 3 hrs--the house isn't filthy, but by no means is it up to my standards.
My OD called last week and asked specifically if her family could come do the yardwork-it's out of hand. I told her yes, that's be great, and that I'd pay her kids. It will take 6 people about 1-1/2 hrs to do all that needs doing and I am hiring a lawn crew for the last months of summer.
My niece is coming to clean tomorrow. I will 'help her' but she is in for a busy, dirty day. She's going to help every week until I am on my feet.
I'm setting up grocery delivery--to be delivered right to my kitchen counter!
Having a very needy mom has made me somewhat resentful of all the minutiae of what she needs. I do NOT want to be like that!!
Dh has been resistant, but as I pointed out to him, we got those stimulus checks we DIDN'T need and basically those are going out into the community where there is need. His ego is a tad bruised, but he'll survive.
Some families DO do a lot for the 'folks'. We did a ton for my parents, I still do more for mom than I'd like, but I do try to keep boundaries.
Everyone's 'love language' is different. I'm sure they all love you, but when they look at every visit as being a 'possible chore' it makes wanting to visit a hesitant thing.
When DH visits his mom, there lined up on the kitchen counter are a line of tools for each and every little job she has for him. Shoot, he doesn't even do that stuff for me! Makes it so he never wants to 'drop in'.
Here's a bandaid and a kiss for your booboo honey!!!
Sometimes I swear that incompetence in dealing with home duties is deliberate! If I mess it up bad enough, I won't get asked to do it again! Of course some males are never expected to do any female chores, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. This is a detriment to them. When they don't have a female to tackle these onerous chores (snark) or the female is either indisposed, like you, or away, they can't cope! Funny that when THEY can't do their usual chores, many of us can take over, either doing it ourselves or hiring the necessary help. Hmmm...
When the time comes that our home is too much for us to maintain ourselves or too expensive to hire help to maintain for us, we'll sell it & downsize. When we're too old and infirm to care for ourselves, we will either go into Assisted Living, hire in home help, or do away with ourselves if dementia sets in and it looks like we're heading down that dreadful path. What we will not do is become a burden to our children. Period.
Expecting your children to take care of you and your wife in your old age is not fair to them and not something you should be expecting. Look into Assisted Living residences in your area and allow your children to lead their own lives, that's my suggestion. Read the boards here to see what we 'children' feel like when we've been caring for our elderly parents for decades & we're seniors OURSELVES. It's not pretty, especially when it's 'expected' or our parents make us feel 'obligated' or 'guilted' into doing something we're not naturally inclined to do.
If your children honestly WANT to help you, that's fine, but you yourself should limit your requests to a bare minimum especially if there is only one child doing 'everything.' As an only child myself, I can sympathize with him or her totally. Don't just 'feel bad' for your offspring, fix the situation by hiring more caregivers to take the stress of of that child! Do the right thing, in other words.
Make plans for your old age now, without relying on your children to bear the burden of it for you. That's the best advice you'll ever get and your children will thank you for it wholeheartedly.
Your children are responsible to their own families, their spouses, children and perhaps grandchildren.
When you say your 1 child does everything for you, I really hope that you guys are doing everything that you can and not feelings entitled to be cared for because .... it truly is unfamiliar to expect your offspring to forsake their own lives to prop yours up.
Maybe it is time to look interest an assisted living facility.
When the house got to be too much they sold it and moved to an apartment for a few years; then they moved into an IL community. Because dad was falling and unable to get up and had declining health so they moved across the street to AL. Dad eventually had to move to SNC where he died a few months later a couple of years ago.
Just about 3 weeks ago mom moved within 3 minutes of me in a new IL living facility. She should be fine there and I'm now close enough to run over when necessary. She is provided some meals and has housekeeping every other week. There are activities available to her if she chooses to participate. We made some modifications - she hasn't handled her own meds for a several years so I got her a 31 day pill box with reminder alarm. The biggest issue is the mobile phone - she wanted a mobile phone but has been a challenge though she is making progress.
Until COVID I always took or met my parents at their medical appointments - (well not mom's dentist or eye appts.) COVID drove my nuts as far as moms medical care went.
Even if mom declines where she is there are services we can contract to assist until mom is no longer able to live on her own - she is currently 88.
My advice to you and your husband is to make plans for your future and by all means include all your children in the planning so everyone is on the same page. If you have plans in place you will lessen the work for your children.
Good luck to all of you.
Time and again l have asked father to get us all together and divide the tasks, or days when each of us was supposed to intervene. Nothing!
I am spending my leave with parents, and l’m doing everything. My brothers, who live in the same building, rarely come even to see their mother. (It seems they go by the theory that since father is asking them for anything, then all is ok, even though l have already raised their awareness of the opposite.)
No reaction from my father, as always.
I feel so under-appreciated!! And lost because it’s me against the rest.
Anyway, l want to be here for mom till the last day of leave. And I don’t regret this decision. But, once l go back to work, l am thinking of visiting only on Sundays, in order to just spend time with mom. It’ll be up to the father to either cover everything himself, or ask for brothers’ help.
Please, do get the 3 of them together, and have a proper discussion, so as to specify everyone’s duties over the week span, as part of caregiving.
All the best to you.
I do NOT expect my kids to "help" care for me if/when I need it. That isn't why I had kids. Some kids do help out, even want to, but it shouldn't be expected. I've already told them if I need extensive care, find a place like I did for my mother, and ensure I am well cared for, manage my "affairs" etc., but do NOT take me in or move in with me. I am setting aside funds that will hopefully be enough for my care, should I need it.
I am only a few years younger than your wife. The few things I've asked for help with from my kids in the past, they were well compensated. If I have to pay to have something done and they are willing to do it, I'd rather pay them than someone else, but I DON'T expect it. The only thing I really ask for these days is a ride to drop off/pick up a car, but it is usually only 1/2 times a year. Should I need medical intervention, aka surgery, then a ride to/from, but otherwise I'm taking care of myself (don't have any major health issues, but if I did, that's on ME to deal with!) Finding a ride in this area would be a joke!
The only wish I have is to be able to spend more time with them. One works odd long hours, off shift, the other is a long drive away. Added in is the virus, so I don't get to see them much. Hoping that will change sometime soon!! Maintaining relationships is so much more important than "expecting" our kids to give up their lives to "help" us.
also find what resources that can help if she just doesn’t want to do it but please do not make her feel guilty for not helping. There are free resources to give her relief. Check out the health and Human Resources that offer services if you qualify. Have things around the house like bars and stuff installed to help you move around safely. Have family friends come around to relieve her, see what your insurance offers and ask your primary care. Also see what ways your disabled daughter can help. You can have her sit with you if you can’t be home alone and just be there to call if the sisters to help. Have them give you what you need.
I really don’t know your situation and if it’s okay for you to be alone. Is the daughter living with you or are the two of you living independently.
also my area offer free rides for elder to take them to their visits. I would look into it so you don’t have to pay for it. We don’t feel right having someone take my grandmother and my mom wants to be there to hear what the doctor has to say