She's been living with my sister and I every other month for the past 13 yrs. Although, she just started paying $500 a month the past 3 yrs. We do everything for her. Meds, food, bathing, doctor visits, laundry, etc. She can't be left alone, so it's 24 hour care. We feel she should be paying more. It was difficult to just get her to agree on the $500. How should we approach this? We have 2 other siblings that aren't able to care for her.
I do have a child I was planning to pawn off of, when I get to that age. but, perhaps, I better rethink that idea. Hopefully I won't get dementia or ALZ. I think I will try to write a will or living trust now before I lose all my marbles.
Does mom have signs of dementia or ALZ? Your other siblings are unable to care for her for some reason, physically, emotionally, or they live too far away. It is very hard to take care of mom, a lot of us on this forum are or were in that boat. If it is becoming too much, and you cannot do it anymore, please do not feel guilty about placing her in a facility close to you. She needs to be placed near you or your sister so you two can keep tabs on her and have pleasant visits.
For the time being.. ask the doctor if she can be evaluated for palliative care. This way the doctor or nurses can visit mom at her home, instead of you driving her to the doctors all the time. Think about it.
13 years, you, sister, and mom are very close. I can see how and why your moving mom into a facility at this time of her life would be worrisome.
Sadly, people of her generation never learned how to adjust for inflation. You need a legal contract and to be paid at least minimum wage.
Add up the charges you feel are reasonable for the care you're giving to your mother and/or how much it would cost her to be in Assisted Living. Then take into account how you can't work due to the need to care for her 24/7, and what bills you have to pay (like the rest of us poor slobs living on planet earth), and decide what's fair & equitable. Then explain to your mother how you arrived at the monthly charges she owes you.
If she's disagreeable to paying you the required amount, start looking into Assisted Living Facilities in your area & see how she feels about shelling out $4-6 THOUSAND dollars per month to be cared for outside of your home.
In the real world, life's not free, for anyone. Mother should have planned for her old age, and that includes how she was going to finance it.
Good luck!
SMDH at you silly martyrs! Here’s a few reminders—your parents chose to have you. Your kids didn’t ask to be born. Many parents actually didn’t take care of their kids, didn’t provide a safe loving home but they sure as hell expect their children to wait on them hand & foot while treating them like dirt. AND......many child caregivers here have had to quit their jobs entirely or retire early in order to care for Selfish parents who refuse outside help and want to stay at home where they can pretend they are still independent. Why don’t those kids deserve to earn a living? Especially when they stopped contributing to SS and a retirement plan the moment they quit their job. Why doesn’t their livelihood matter?
There are plenty of other parents that now live with one of their adult kids. Why shouldn’t they pay their way? Contribute to the household? What entitles them to a free ride? Especially when said adult child is also caregiver, maid, therapist and punching bag?
I hope the fall off your high horse wasn’t too brutal!
Is she still handling her own finances? Is anyone joint on her checking account? Is she still competent? You say she can't be left alone so....?
How is her will structured? Is it an equal share between all children?
I can not advise on the nitty gritty of how to get paid for providing care without running into trouble like someone mentioned that this could be determined to be a gift if she ever needs gov't care.
If I were an only child that would be a whole other scenario of course. Having multiple siblings who are not involved in the actual care changes things considerably. There was a time when I was criticized by one sibling for caring ‘too much’ when I was providing regular updates. I just don’t provide updates any longer and things are more peaceful.
Your mom's money should take care of her personal needs, items, clothing, food, meds, doctor visits, bills, etc. After all, didn't you volunteer to take her in? I'm reminded of gospel recording artist Pastor Shirley Ceasar's song: NO CHARGE, maybe tou ahoukd listen to it. It goes on to say..."When you add it all up the total cost of real love(parents/children's love) is NO CHARGE."
Ridiculous to hit 'post' without taking reality into consideration.
I have also told them that should I be so unfortunate as to follow my mother down that yellow brick road, I don't want them to feel they have to care for me or even visit if it is difficult for them. Not everyone is cut out to care for an elder with dementia, and depending on when it hits, they may need to be working to ensure their own future (savings and SS), plus as we age it becomes difficult to provide care, part time or full time. I can't support my mother's weight and my house is not handicap accessible (ingress/egress and bathrooms are too small to modify), so the best I could do was take over her finances to preserve what she had and then educate myself about dementia, then start seeking a decent place for her. We tried hiring aides and although initially it was only 1 hr/day, it didn't last 2 months - she refused to let them in! The only other real option was a facility. She is close enough now for me to visit regularly (until lock down) and I manage everything else for her. IT is the best I could do to ensure she is safe and cared for.
I take care of my 94 year old Mom and I don't get paid anything first because my Mom can't afford it (she made bad decisions late in her life), secondly I really love taking care of my Mom. I will always look back of these years with my Mom and be at peace within myself for doing the right thing.
After I sold my Mom's house she bought another house (I picked it out, did all the financials and it is the house we live in) and when my Mom passes I will inherit this house and to me that's enough "material" reward. No amount of money could give me the inner peace that I have now (maybe some will understand this, others will not).
That said, your question begs why 13 years later are you asking this? And were you happy with the $500 a month for the past 3 years? What changed now?
Jenna
Keep it legal! Get everything in writing!
We love our parents, but caring is a very hard all consuming thing. Unless you get paid you can feel resentful and the whole thing can fall apart,which is no good for anyone.
When my husband and I moved in we said we wouldn't take a penny. But most nights my mum keeps us up all night, calling my name and saying she needs a wee(she has a catheter) and Dad wanders and is very hard work. So we gradually thought.. We need to be paid for this.. When I approached one of my siblings who is joint lpa he agreed with what I asked for immediately. I've 4 siblings and no one else would do it.
So at least now, when I'm tired and they've been hard work, I can say Never mind. You're paid for it so get in with it.
It's the hardest job in the world but it can be so rewarding.
She either is in full command of her faculties and able to understand that food costs x, utilities and gas cost y, and home support services cost z; or she isn't - in which case she shouldn't be handling her own finances anyway.
When she cut up rough before, when you were discussing the $500 with her three years ago, how did you arrive at that number in the end?
It is an awkward conversation, but facts is facts and numbers don't lie. "Here's the bill, mother. Sorry, but nothing in life is free!"
I work 30 hours a week caribg for a senior.
I reveive 3,500.00 a month.
Enough said.
Question: Why is this coming up as a concern now? Spend time talking with your sister about the reasons for increased compensation as an issue at this time.
And if any modification to the house have had to be made she should pay for those as well.
Now to paying you. $500 a month is not nearly enough.
If she will not agree to increase that then start charging her for the above things I mentioned. This would increase your 500 by quite a bit.
And it sounds like she is able to make her own decisions so if she will not agree to this then you and your sister need to put up a united front and start looking for Assisted Living for her. Maybe once she realizes you are serious she might think better about increasing what she pays you
Increase in utilities could have been calculated by comparing to past expenses, but it being 13 years, there would be regular increases over time. However, since they are taking care of her every other month, then compare the month without her to the one with her, over a few months' time, and average it out (if possible, use old bills, esp for differences during winter and A/C times, although the increase in heat and A/C would not likely be impacted much by one additional person living in the home.) That would cover utilities and it isn't likely 1/3. Food is a little more difficult to calculate, but anything that only she eats/drinks should be purchased separately and she pays for it, along with other needs (meds, medical insurance, toiletries, incontinence products, etc.) A similar average could be done over a few months' time to figure out how much more is spent when she is living with you. Some gas money would be good to figure in as well, if you have to transport her to doctor, hospital, PT, etc., but keep it sensible and within IRS rules.
I mainly have a problem with expecting mom to cover 1/3 the cost of the mtg and house insurance. THOSE amounts will not change whether she lives there or not, and in the end YOU own it, not her. IF the housing is rental, then perhaps a portion of that could be charged to mom, but if they had the room anyway, it would be more like the mtg issue - you were paying it anyway. IF you moved to a larger unit to accommodate mom, then it would be reasonable to charge the difference in cost to mom.
Care is a whole different issue and should be calculated carefully and properly documented (caregiving agreement drawn up legally) to avoid issues with IRS gifting, Medicaid and any tax implications.