How do I get family members (blended step-family that includes first wife), to understand that I have his safety and my own to consider?

There will be answers for you.
I may be too cynical, but from my own experience, I truly believe that "No good deed goes unpunished" especially when caregiving.

It is understandable that you feel devastated, this is your husband, and you are not the enemy. You are trying hard in an untenable circumstance. It is not okay to live with physical violence. Your husband's care is beyond what you can provide (or any one person for that matter) at this time,

You say the decision had been made......who made the decision?

You do not have to give up any rights to make decisions for your husband just because you have asked for help from husband's side of the family. imo.

Maybe sharing less with them will help. You need a loyal support base, not criticism, imo.

You are NOT the enemy. You are his wife. With that role comes the responsibility to also take good care of yourself.

No one really knows what you go through on a daily basis. Once he became violent he needed more care than u can give him. He could have broke your jaw. The doctors have found he needs more care than you can give. I would think about it being a temporary thing. A NH may be the best thing for him at this point. You were very nice in including daughter in the conversations. If his family doesn't like it, then one of them can take him to live with them. But then, u may not be allowed to see him.

Your husband made you POA for a reason. The decisions are yours alone. I would not give his family any more info since they acted this way. His ex is not entitled to any.

What does oldest daughter suggest? Since she’s a home health care adviser...let me guess...home health care? Perhaps she would like to spend a week or so (including nights) at your house taking primary care of her dad. Perhaps you could suggest it so she could “evaluate” him personally. If there’s 100 excuses why that’s not possible...then you have your answer.

It sounds as though this is very recent. You have lived through all the worst times, while the rest of the family hasn’t – not one of them has been punched in the jaw themselves. I am sure that the decision was hard for you. It must be hard for them too, and the need for it is not as clear to them as it is to you.

You are very hurt, but if you can, just cool it for a few weeks. Don’t back off, but give them time to get to where you are at. If it stays possible for the relationships to improve, it is in the best interests of you, your husband, and his children. In the longer term, these relationships could and should be supporting both of you.

If you click on "Violent Behavior" topic just above, you will find more discussions that may include how to avoid and decrease the chances of violence directed at you. There are techniques a caregiver can use.

Turning on some music, trying not to be over-solicitous, walking outside-allowing dH to regain his self-control, calm himself, or just go to sleep may help himself.

I realize your question was about how to get family members to understand.
You should not waste your time, emotions, and efforts on that useless pursuit. imo.

Take care of yourself.

Do not seek their approval for his placement. They have no standing to weigh in and no conception of what cost to your health his care has been.

You are and have been a caring a devoted caregiver. He needs full time care from young , trained and rested professionals. He needs for his medications to be titrated. In short, he needs to be someplace other than home with you.

Try not to be devastated by their reaction. You don't need their approval to do the right thing.

She1934,

With all you have to worry about I suggest you don’t waste your time and energy on trying to convince the family that you’re doing the right thing.

Be secure in the facts that you have been an excellent caregiver, you’ve gone over and above to keep them informed and be secure in your decisions.

If there is going to be flack from the family they will have this issue or another to create chaos.

It seems that many families do this sort of thing because they’re having trouble accepting reality, Imo. It’s easier to make you the bad guy, than it is to see their dad diminished.

Be strong and don’t let them make your job harder. Let them step up and DO whatever it is they think you should be doing or just don’t let their opinions affect you.

Good luck,

charlotte

I agree with the others here. The family doesn't know and doesn't understand. 3 years ago I asked my stepdaughter for a few hours of respite from caring for my husband who was going through cancer treatment at the time.
She came for a few hours and I went for a hike.
After I was on the trail for an hour, I got a text asking me to come back. She was not 'able to handle' helping her father change his wound dressing, it 'grossed' her out.

When I got home I simply got to business and took care of things. She commented "I don't know how you do it." And never came back to help again.

Now he has Dementia and she comes to visit for a couple of hours every 5 or 6 months. However I have asked her to come and stay for 3 days this winter.

No one can walk in your shoes.
You need to take care of you.

You mentioned the tendency toward violence, which would make him a difficult or even impossible placement for a nursing home because once they become violent they will be put on the psych floor, and if the behavior is not corrected they will evict him. If you called 911 due to violence, chances are the police would also have to come so they can Baker Act him for psychiatric evaluation. You must keep yourself safe, and that includes hide all the scissors, knives and forks where he cannot find them.

Is he taking his medications..or spitting them out when nobody is looking. Or refusing to take them. There are injections such as long-term haldol they can give if he is refusing medications but a psychiatrist would have to prescribe that.

I don't see how rehab can help if he has outbursts of violence which would put staff and other patients in danger.

The doctors would have to rule out a physical cause for violence such as underlying infection.

She1934 gave you an excellent answer. In  my situation, my wife is not violent but does have dementia and it's progressing. We too have a blended family. Her two adult sons do nothing but criticize my efforts and yet offer zero help, even when asked. My best guess is that they are feeling guilt at their lack of effort, but not enough so they will help. One even stated that he was "in a good place right now and wanted to keep it that way." The other has told me that "he wasn't going to be his mother's nursemaid." I now only involve them by letting them know if there is a major emergency. Other than that I don't want to open myself up for further criticism. My own adult children and even one grandchild have been wonderful and helpful and understanding. Once or twice a year I plan a get-away for myself and either have someone in my family stay with my wife or place her in a respite center, which is somewhat costly, but worth the peace of mind. (I get criticized by her sons too for taking the occasional break.) You can't hope to take care of the ill person unless you take care of yourself. Ignore the flak as best you can, and just do what you know is best.

The phrase 'agree to disagree' comes to mind. Stand in your truth knowing that you've done the best for your husband.

Tomorrow my brother will visit my parents for the first time in their new home at the long term care facility where I placed them last month. Mom turned 96 last Tuesday and has dementia but still my brother can't understand why it was necessary for me to move 'quickly' and put them in after Dad had been taken by ambulance for the second time in a month. The first trip to the hospital had required 15 stitches after Mom had pushed him, the second...he was trying to help her up after she had fallen and once again she didn't know her own strength and he fell again. Of course he won't admit to the family that it was Mom's outbursts that caused the problem, so my brother is of a mind that we should wait to place them in a facility nearer him even though there's a 3 year wait.

I've tried to explain this to my brother and his twin has done the same. Unfortunately he is a stubborn man and hasn't seen our parents in six months even though he lives 3 hours away and I live 9 hours away in another country. It's escalated to the point that I've blocked him from texting me so that I can do my work for my parents without having to deal with being bullied by my brother.

Bottom line is armchair quarterbacks seldom get bruises and they sure as heck don't know what it feels like to be on this playing field.

Your situation sounds identical to my situation. My husband was diagnosed in 2015 with early onset Alzehimer. He became violent. I had to run and hide in the garage until police arrived to get him to the hospital. My husband at the time was able to tell me " You are not safe in this house because you are stealing from me" . My husband is in a wonderful family care home that is minutes from my house. I can visit every day if I chose to. He doesn't remember any of the violent behavior. He tell me every day now that " I'm the best wife". The Neurologist said for my safety and his. He need 24 hour care. The violence is against staff now , so meds are being adjusted once again. Step children have wanted me to keep him home . They have been in denial for almost 3 years now. The last visit staff shared with them the severity of the situation. I am going to STAY Strong by the grace of GOD because I know that this was a health decision for me and my husband. I pray you stand strong and keep you peace within concerning right decisions. (((Family Care Homes are wonderful))) it doesn't feel like a facility. No more than 6 residents. I get to take trips with my mom and sister which is great for my mental health . Me being healthy allows me to rejuvenate and go get my husband ((on good days))to hang out with him at the park, restaurant, etc.

It's very hard for some people (especially family members) on the outside of the situation to understand. I am going through this now (not to the extent that you are) but I have a family member who shrugs off the instances with my mother and minimizes every situation...even when she said she was going to "kill herself" if her license got revoked...He laughed it off and said "she would never do that."

My response: "A mentally stable person would never say that."

Perhaps it's denial...or the fact that they are not living the experience like we are. But I am choosing to stay in my own power...which at the present time includes going no contact with my mother because her verbal and emotional abuse towards me has hit an all time high.
I honestly believe that none of us were prepared for this longevity we are experiencing with people living so long. I don't know what the answer is...other than for myself, I will continue to take care of myself physically and mentally so that I can perhaps ward off some of these issues and not be a burden to my children.

Since you are the POA, it’s ultimately your decision about his care. With all due respect to the eldest daughter, she’s reacting to the closeness of the situation. To her over the danger to himself or you.

making people understand the dangers is useless unless they’re ready to accept the diagnosis- and it doesn’t sound like it at all. and it doesn’t seem like it.

His eldest daughter already knows the “system” so she, like the rest, should be supportive because she understands “care” over “warehousing” someone - but when it’s your own, logic goes out the window. are people. it’s much easier to attack you and call you crazy then him; you’ll remember it, he won’t.

That said, you aren’t warehouseing anyone: evaluation is just that, determing a different level of care. How your family (and extended family) deals with it is their own mourning process to the person he used to be, you, living with him? You’re further along in your acceptance that he needs different care.

They can be in denial right up until the last minute... but tragedy happens when people rather not. You’re not uncaring, that’s ridiculous, and a knee jerk barb from them....you have the punch in the face to prove it and multiple police calls. You don’t need to be in the hospital yourself to drive that point home to immediate and extended family..nor do they need the police or APS involved over their now “awakened” response to his care.

Youre doing the right thing for him...him and you... and that’s what I’d stress. Quality of care determined by skilled staff is their job... that’s something his daughter should appreciate since she is in the ‘warehousing’ ...er “medical field” herself and you would “welcome” any suggestions to his quality of life and enjoyment. What you won’t accept is guilt, violence, and care beyond your skill set...see what I did there? ( smile) you cant help your family; and please remind your family that he’s a human , not a package being stored in a facility. You have no plans of relinquishing your love for him, just the caregiving part of this situation if the doctors state that.

when dealing with family...you’re dealing with memories....what they were as opposed to what they are now. To others... they could have been stylish, competent, the confider, the awesome cook..the confident one, the one that gave them that amazing gift.... yards of memories and pictures to prove it.

but that’s what they were...

it it is not the person they are now; the diaper wearing, confused, prattling, shuffling, cursing, violent, refuser to eat anything or eating everything like a bottomless pit...and throwing it up only to eat more; cause they forgot they ate... glazed eyed, drooling person they are now...the one the doctor diagnosed as Alzheimer’s, or any other mind altering disease....

what you see and what others see will always be at odds, so the sooner they accept your words (or the doctors) the sooner they will accept your POA or any other care offered. You just can’t rush whet he/she is now... over a lifetime and album of memories each person has of them, but you can help them see it’s not a trick by affirming what the medical profession states

It is strange how the father's wife always becomes the "wicked stepmother" when important decisions that they don't agree with are made. I always felt I got along well with my husband's two sons and his sister. But they weren't happy with any of the arrangements I made, and after the funeral I never saw or heard from any of them again, despite several overtures on my part. So I made a new life for myself and you must do the same.

It's heartbreaking to have to decide when to put a loved one into a care facility. My mom had been living with me for 5 years when I told my brother and sister that I just couldn't do it anymore. Although they both live nearby, neither of them wanted to step in. Mom was waking at all hours and going into my room and my kids' rooms scaring the daylights out of us, "running away" in the middle of the night in our semi-rural neighborhood, forgetting how to use appliances, screaming at us, hallucinating, wetting herself, accusing everyone of stealing from her, and having frequent falls. We took her to a geriatric specialist who flat out told my sister and me that she needed 24/7 care, which was impossible for any of us to provide. Mom didn't want to pay for home aides, so my sister-in-law and I visited local memory care facilities and placed her in a good one. She hates it and occasionally blames me for "putting her away." Some of my family members point fingers as well. However, I have pointed out to her and to them that the physical and mental exercises, constant supervision, and overseeing of her medications that the facility provides have actually assisted in keeping her dementia from progressing too quickly. My children and I can actually sleep at night without worrying whether she will run off and get hurt, set the house on fire, get into medications, etc. Additionally, I am not dealing with her hallucinations, recriminations, or constant need of attention after working an 8 hour day and taking care of my children and my home. When I visit her now, I am her daughter, not her caretaker, and it's a lot less stressful for both of us.

What have I learned from this experience: 1) I've been a caretaker most of my life, but taking care of someone with dementia is a full time job in itself no matter how much you love the person, 2) caretakers can get weary and resentful, which ruins a relationship with a loved one - you have to take care of yourself before you can care for others, 3) if someone hasn't walked in your shoes and doesn't offer to try, they don't have the right to judge.

I would make as much of it about your husband's needs. And frankly, if he didn't qualify for rehab, they wouldn't put him in rehab. There are professionals who have determined that your husband needs this.

My husband has Lewey Body Dimentia/Parkinsons and I lived much the same way as you described for years with his active dreams at night becoming more and more dangerous over the years. My husband is normally very passive, kind, gentle and never any slightest abuse - but at night he is not himself. I was awoken frequently by terrifying screams, kicking, and once he jumped on top of me and started hitting me on the head - thankfully I was sleeping on my stomach and I was able to get him awake before I was injured. I was scared out of my mind and knew right then changes had to be made. We started sleeping in separate rooms and finally I felt safe and able to sleep all night. I could still hear the occasional screams but I knew I was not in jeopardy. Now onward to today, he fell and broke his hip in June and had to have surgery - his disease was advanced immediately. I tried to take him home after months of PT, but I couldn't manage him. He could not follow prompts when trying to shower him or transfer him and would become extremely angry. When he threw me to the bed and tried to choke me - I knew that was the limit of my abilities. We moved him to an assisted living facility and now life is still difficult, but much more manageable for us both. I visit him daily and our time together is peaceful. He is being well taken care of and I have a life. His family is out of the picture basically - his son severed ties with us years ago when he realized his dad was ill - so he doesn't call or visit ever. I don't want to see him but I hate it for my husband's sake. But bottom line - you are your husband's spouse, the decisions for his care are YOURS to make. Don't let them dominate your life or make you feel guilty, or make decisions for your husband's care. Stand tall, rely on friends and your support network and try to get through it. You have enough to cope with without letting these people who have no idea what it's like to care for a person in that condition ruin your life. Good luck! You are not alone.

I'm going to try to write this as respectfully as I can. I find it interesting that the people who are criticizing your decision to place your husband in a facility are not providing direct care for him. In fact, I am finding that interesting in most of the stories I read on this site. Interesting is my gentle word for what I really find it to be. Perhaps if you called all of them every time he wakes in the night and gets started on his sundowning routine, they'd clue in a bit to what you see and experience. Maybe you should call and invite them to come over and sit with him during these episodes so they can participate in his care. That you've already been physically assaulted should be a very clear indication that he is progressing past the point that you will be able to care for him effectively. I am not suggesting that your caregiving is lacking anything. I just think that it would be most difficult to be an effective caregiver when you are worried that you will be injured while trying to assist your LO.

Bottom line: Do you know in your heart that the best thing for your husband is for him to be in a facility for either rehab/evaluation or long-term as may be needed? Do you love him enough to ensure he is cared for in the best possible way - even if that means it's not you providing the care? If so, follow the path you know to be right.

I would tell them if they feel you are uncaring, that you will gladly give them the opportunity to take care of him, or they can be helpful by helping you find a facility for their dad. They can go with you to visit these places and one of them can watch their dad while you go. There is nothing like actual experience in hands on care to wake people up to the reality of dementia and all it entails.

You cannot care what others think. You must do what is best for YOU and your husband. And what say does the ex-wife have???? Excuse my language, but tell them all to go screw themselves and do what you need to do to take care of business.....

I often had to deal with "well meaning" family members who were free to offer their advice on how to deal with situation while never really being part of the solution. You absolutely did the right thing with placement! If your husband is so agitated that he has hit you, then you must take appropriate action to protect yourself as well as you husband. If these family members are so sure that he should not be placed then let him move in with them!!

You are not uncaring, you are doing everything in your power to make sure he gets the help he needs!

You if you are not safe how can you able to protect your husband your safety always comes first always and if the other family isn't willing to help you out or support you

I absolutely feel for you and trust me, you are doing the RIGHT thing for now. We went through the same thing with my mother. Family members would show up, see me bruised or wearing a splint from the multiple times she sprained my wrists and ignore it and me. People who have guilt about not pulling their share of the load tend to wear blinders. That way, they don't have to disrupt their lives and become more responsible. This is even more concerning since this is your husband and males can be stronger and more aggressive. It sounds as if the docs still have not found the right combination of meds to curb his Sundowners and agitation. Until they do, he belongs in a facility for his safety and yours. You cannot manage this alone and should not be expected to. You are doing the right thing. We were fortunate enough to find a workable dose of Remeron, Ativan (only when highly agitated) Deppakote and Melatonin to curb my mother's agitation and sleep deprivation. Now she is home and things are going pretty smoothly. If they can get your husband's Sundowners and sleep deprivation under control, it may mean he can be managed at home. I wish you strength, comfort, peace and love. You are a kind soul who just wants to do the right thing. We see you :)

Wow, somewhat of a flashback to a few years ago with my step-dad (being the only one assisting my Mom (POA) during similar activities). Those who don't live it every day are clueless, even with details such as yours. Stepbrother out of state said if we were "dumping" his Dad, he'd move him up there (they had phone convos for 10 minutes weekly, visited once a year at most).
Mom thought it was guilt felt due to lack of involvement in his life. His daughter had recently ceased communicating with him and saw what was happening when she came to check (insisted and assisted in finding a place to care for him). His son didn't realize until he visited him at his new home. We visited daily and took him to doctor's appointments, it was very chaotic until he passed in 2015. Rare visits by others, none by most.
"Pa" was the most docile, kind, non-aggressive person I'd known until the disease took over his personality.
Unfortunately, I decided we couldn't alter opinions of others and focused on doing the most we could to insure Pa was as safe and happy as possible. Knowing that helped and if you're sure the action taken is your only option, I hope you can be at peace with it and ignore the haters. Ignorance and refusal to accept the diagnosis fuels their hate and hopefully they'll be able to come to terms with it.
Just wondering - does his family think it was okay to have you in a physically abusive environment? Shame on them.
Take care of yourself.

Have they spent a single night with him to see how he really acts? They couldn't possibly understand what you're going through if they haven't witnessed it themselves. You know what's best for him. You know what's best for you. It's easy to stand on the sidelines and coach. Stand firm. :)

Now that husband has been placed, pending Medi-Cal approval, in a skilled nursing facility, my guilt is overwhelming. It has only been 4 days and I go each day. The place is clean, though certainly not fancy, but all I can do. I speak with the AIDS, physical therapist, nurses, ask about meds, and talk to staff to ascertain how things are when I am not there, but I am so saddened by how he seems. I know that he is on additional seroquel -25mg twice during the day, and that makes him more groggy, but the difference since his hospital admission 13 days ago is just so distressing. One day he seems more alert, the next, he is sleeping in his wheelchair all day. He eats fairly well and he seems to like the food-I taste it all, and the flavors are good. He is on all puréed and nectar thick liquids, as well as being monitored in the dining room due to swallowing problems. I read to him, play music for him, sing with the music, show him photos of his pets, family and friends, take his dog to see him, have even seen a smile or two, but am still sick with guilt. Today he is going to an appt. with a geriatric psychologist in hopes of modifying his meds. But the change in him since before his two hospitalizations these past two months is stunning.

OMG, you do have a trump card to place immediately....YOUR ARE THE WIFE!
You are the person who has ALL medical decision rights, the others don't have any say in the matter.
Ypu have this right BUT you will still need to get GUARDIANSHIP/CONSERVATORSHIP. Sounds crazy, but you do before ANYBODY ELSE DOES THIS BEHIND YOUR BACK!! 1st get a letter from his MD stating everything that is mentally/physically wrong. In your case, get copies of all the 911 calls and police records. You can research for a REALLY GOOD NOTARY who knows as much or more than an attorney so you can represent yourself (I did this for my Mother). There will be a background check by Court AND ONLY BLOOD RELATED PERSONS NEED BE NOTIFIED. This is very important because they will contest, but 99.9% their testimony will not impact as long as you have all you ducks in a row. Have you kept a diary? I have 1 that goes back 5+ yrs, so even IF my siblings tried to contest, I had everything to backup my being the better of 4 having Mom's best interest. They ALL signed off that they would not contest, BUT that doesn't mean they can't in the future. MY STEP-SIBLINGS are my problem. Oldest petitioned to be telecom/her attorney present during my hearing. I objected but was denied. This had absolutely NOTHING to do with my step-Father and they're not blood. You can get EMERGENCY GUARDIANSHIP too. DO NOT LET THE STATE SERVICES TAKE CONTROL. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO PAY DOWN ALL ASSETS HE HAS THEN YOU WILL OWE THE STATE ALL THE MONEY THAT WAS SPENT. IS the deed to the house an and/or? If or get it quit claimed and then in your name so the STATE CANNOT force you to sell. IF he has a Will, read it because you can't change it. Read up on Notary Law too. People don't realize that State Government can change these requirements! In AZ, if you have a copy of a DPOA and a copy of the Will indicating he has you listed to take care of him both medically/financially you can still have it notarized with your proper ID. This DOES NOT MEAN it must be accepted by 3rd parties i.e. banks. THIS was a problem for me because #1 step-sister stole $50.000+ from Mom using her DPOA fraudulently AND having the bank file a report on me for Elder abuse for financial gain (very long story, but she lost that one). I represented myself in Court, taught 2 attorneys/Judge a few things about Community State Laws, then I hired a Family Law attorney. Saved $300 hr fee. I had family witnesses if needed too.
NOW I am having to provide info per Court order to #1 ugly step-sister that I already did, but she's not happy and with holding money owed to Mom's Estate. YES it is called Estate even though person is alive. I am writing a novella which includes copies of emails showing she made decisions, took money etc fraudulently to my attorney, Court Fiduciary and her attorney. She has dug herself into a hole and keeps digging.
I hope this helps you in some way. It's going to be hard, but you need to protect your husband, yourself AND THE ASSETS!!! NOW

Absolute quickest way for them to achieve understanding is to tell the most vocal one that you will have your husband and his immediate needs( clothing, meds, etc) at their door in the morning.