He refuses to leave his home....he's now 93 and his dementia is worse than ever ....he's cursing being beligerent, being very combative, threatening me with his fist and shoving me...
Ive been here over 8 yrs totally alone as I have siblings who live out of state and have not really been in our dad's life for most of their adult life....all they do is cause confusion with my dad by telling him that I'm after his money, I'm living off of him etc....I wish that was true as I've been the only daughter whose looked out for him litterly all my life....now that he has dementia he's forgotten that and instead live in a world of lies deceit and his own delusions that are in his head....now it's starting to interfere with me finally getting back to work after this pandemic mess....so I'm try to work from home so that I can be here with him....he was in adult daycare and because of a small incident....he refuses to go back....he can't be here while I'm trying to work because he doesn't respect my boundaries about being noisy while I'm trying to work....my now needs 24 care....he's beginning to get weak as he has a walker and a cane and refuses to use either when he's in the house....he be holding on to walls ...I can hear him at night sliding on the wall....my sibling situation is this....they live in Massachusetts and we live in Florida....he has given both my brother and I poa....my sisters are alcoholics and my brother spend the half his adult life in prison and although he's doing much better....the fact of that experience has him institutionalize....he's the one doing borderline criminal activities and brainwashing my dad and using my Dad's mental state against me....he wants me our of the house and living on the streets....I finally got him away from that nonsense by cutting communication from them....my dad needs to be in AL so he can socialize...before the incident he was doing well at the adult daycare.....so since he no longer wants to go back and because of his behavior issues....I'm not going to allow him to abuse and disrespect me....when I try to talk to him about it he laughs and says that I'm sick....I've been here over 8 yrs alone and I'm at the end of my rope....so my question is once I find a place for him...how do I get him in there?? Thank you for listening.....BB
- are you his PoA?
- does he have an actual medical diagnosis of dementia?
- have you contacted the county for help at all?
If you are his PoA, then get the paperwork and read it to see when your authority to make decisions on his behalf is activated. Also read what authorities you have (some are very limited, some give very broad authority).
If you aren't his PoA, then the person who is needs to do what was mentioned above and take control. You are on the sidelines.
If NO ONE is his PoA: you do not have any authority to force him into AL against his will, even if he has a medical diagnosis of dementia. BUT, the next time he threatens you in any way (whether or not you think he'll do it or is capable) call 911 to report the threat. The EMTs will come and take him to the hospital. Make sure the EMTs understand his cognitive and physical state. Then DO NOT go get him from the hospital -- tell them he is an "unsafe discharge". The hospital will exert a lot of pressure (and I mean A LOT) to get you to retrieve him but tell them he can't take care of himself and neither can you (don't give them details, just tell them it is "unsafe" for him to be in the home any longer). They may even promise to provide you with help -- no, they won't so do not believe this. Talk to the hospital social worker to get them started on the guadianship process. The county will then find a place for him. I wish you peace in your heart and blessings for helping him alone for so long!
I also had to read your initial post twice to see any reference to a POA. It was a bit difficult to get through as it is one long chain with no clear paragraphs and some tangents. Totally understandable if you are coming here at the end of your rope in a bad situation.
This community works because so many who have hard-won experience with all of the ins and outs of elder care care enough to share. They take time out of their days to respond when people come here in desperation as you did. They aren’t your enemy.
Wishing you the best in a difficult situation. Hope
Let me recap, from an outsiders point of view - please correct as required!
Dad is elderly. Requires much help with his daily living, including more supervision.
Dad also has increasing anger & other behaviour issues.
Daughter moved in ++ yrs ago. She cannot work plus provide required supervision. Adult Day Care has been used in the past. Dad now refusing.
Daughter's care burden has become too heavy. She is wanting to explore Residential Care options.
POA held by both Daughter & a Son. Family rift prevents them working together.
How does that read?
So from here..
Q1. If Daughter moved out, could Dad look after himself?
Q2. Does Dad have the insight to understand his care needs?
1. A current medical check up, diagnosis & treatment plan (if/as req'd) for Dad.
2. A needs assessment for mobility, ADLs, behaviour management.
3. *Possible* neuro/psych exam to assess cognitive function & capacity for decision making etc.
4. *Possible* Guardianship applied for.
"How do I get my Dad into AL?"
It is not an easy thing - As it shouldn't be when we think about it... When discussing & planning to remove someone from their home, forcing them to move, forcing them to change their life. Our rights to a free life must be preserved & only ever overridden when we have lost capacity & are putting ourselves or others in danger.
Once he is there, talk to the social workers about placement. Clearly, he cannot live at home.
Do you live with dad, or does he live with you?
When he threatens, you call 911 and have him taken to the hospital.
Ask to speak with a social worker.
Tell them there is no one at home to care for him.
Leave. Give the SW POA's number.
The best thing might be, the next time he is hospitalized, you talk to the Social Worker/Discharge planner about the fact that you can no longer care for him at home. He gets discharged directly to Assisted Living.
This then gives you access to social workers; you explain to them that he can no longer be cared for at home. You give them the POA's phone number.
If this is dad's home, you vacate and live elsewhere.
Does the PoA paperwork say whether both PoAs (you and your brother) need to be in agreement with each decision? Is there a clause that allows for an alternate PoA that can replace your brother (and does he meet the criteria for replacement)?
If both you and your PoA brother legally need to be in agreement with each decision for your father... and if you don't think this is possible... then I strongly recommend you consult with a certified elder law attorney for further guidance. Laws surrounding PoA issues can differ by state and this is a global forum. You have a difficult and complicated situation. I wish you success in finding a solution quickly.
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