My dad: Is 83On 12 different medications (takes AM and PM)Is stubborn but mentally competent. Has CHF, Kidney disease, diabetes, High BPSleeps late unless he has to be up for an appointment. Usually until 10:30 or 11:00.Will be living alone shortly, when his friend moves out. (I live 3 miles away)
I manage his medications – he admitted to me recently that he would never be able to keep all them straight. I manage his doctor visits. I do his bills for him and try to keep him on track.
One problem I have (not the only one) is that he doesn’t think it’s important to take his pills on time. Sometimes he takes his AM pills at 1:00!!! I only know this because his friend recently told me this. She told him it’s important to take early and at 12 hr intervals, but he doesn’t think it matters, so he takes him when he wants.
I put the pills in a daily AM/PM pill box for the week and they are sitting right by his chair in the living room. I tried calling him in the past and telling him to take them and he just gets frustrated and says he will take them and hangs up. But does he? I don’t know. I can’t be there. I work a full time job and I cannot quit.
But it’s the fact that he sleeps so late. He just doesn’t care anymore – at least that’s what I think, because he doesn’t express anything to me or really tell me what he wants from the rest of his life. I could ask him why this? or what does he think of that? He would just shrug his shoulders as if to say, “I don’t know or I don’t care.”
Even if I could be there at 9am to wake him, have breakfast, and make sure he takes his pills, he would say I was rushing him. At 83, he moves at his own pace – doesn’t like when people rush him.
It is so frustrating and I know I can’t force him to do anything. And having someone come in a couple hours in the AM would not sit well with him. It’s also an expense neither he can afford or myself.
I have an appt for him next week at a Senior Care Associates division of the hospital in our area, which is a team of geriatricians, nurse practitioners and social workers that provide consultations, comprehensive evaluations and recommendations for senior care. And also to evaluate physical, emotional, social and functional needs to assist planning for future.
Other than all I am doing, I really don’t know what else I can do to help him but keep my sanity – and my health intact.
Any advice - or just some words of encouragement?
He is not going to adapt or get better. You can’t do it all for him. He needs assisted living where his meds can be monitored and he can get on a more suitable schedule.
Do not quit your job. Do not pay for his expenses. Do not move in with him or let him move in with you.
You also do not quit your job , nor do you move a stubborn man to live in your home .
That leaves , letting him to his own devices at home or assisted living where they will give him his medications . Hopefully he owns his home and it could be sold to pay for his care some day .
If he’s competent , nothing you can do about it . Is he on an antidepressant ? Maybe it would help . They also have pill boxes with a reminder alarm .
Hopefully you will get some answers at his assessment at Senior Care as to whether he should be living alone or not .
make it impossible to get Dad to change his ways . He most likely should not be living alone . Start looking for assisted living facilities . Do you have POA? If so has it been invoked yet ?
If Dad ends up in the hospital , tell them he can no longer live alone and you can’t take care of him 24/7 , you work . You tell the social worker at the hospital he’s an “ unsafe discharge “ and can not go home . Have a few assisted living in mind so he could be transferred to there via ambulette service . It will have to be paid for out of pocket ( use Dad’s money ) but it’s better than taking Dad in the car and him refusing to get out of your car at assisted living .
Today it's the pills, tomorrow it'll be personal hygiene or some other thing. Since he has dementia, he should stop driving.
I'm sorry, there comes a time when all your best efforts won't work anymore. You're there.
The missing part of the question is: when does he take his pm meds? That information will be needed to get good information.
Good luck with the new clinic.
My dad's dementia progressed to the point that he couldn't deal with a pill box himself at all (mixed up day and night, couldn't remember what day it was, took two days' worth at the same time, etc.). So then he had his pills doled out to him on schedule by my mom, which he resented. He acted like and said that he was taking them, but then we discovered that he was often spitting them out and hiding them. When we asked about this, if he said anything at all, it was he "just forgot" or "it was an accident" or he didn't know how all those pills got in his sock drawer or whatever. That was around the same time he started hiding or throwing food too.
How is your dad's diet? Is he doing his laundry, making meals, washing up in the kitchen, changing his clothes and bathing regularly and brushing his teeth?
Apathy can be a symptom of dementia. Apathy means not caring or bothering. Just mentioning in case this is developing with your dad.
Good luck!
At 83, he has earned the right to live any way he wants to. And he's not going to be perfect. In fact, it seems he is purposely rebelling. Because nobody likes someone else telling them what to do.
Let him be.
Your sanity and your health do not need to be sacrificed trying to force him to conform.
I would ask his doctor how important is it for him to take his meds on time. From what I understand some meds do better overnight. Some not so much.
Should review all his healh concerns. A fresh look at where his health currently is.
From there..
Medication:
Review everything he takes?
Cut some out? Change doses?
Ask which meds are time-sensitive.
Social:
Discuss Dad will be living alone.
Will this be suitable? What services are available to help?
Or if not suitable, what then?
I would like to set up this kind of Geri team for a LO. As many conditions cannot be cured, we move towards aiming for Quality of Life.
In your Dad's case, dementia dx or not, he has many conditions that may be effecting his mental sharpness, kidney function may be a big one.
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