My husband has been diagnosed with a "parkinsonian" disease, possibly Multiple System Atrophy or Lewy body dementia. He's been taking tumbles for years now, and having urinary issues also for years, but last year he suddenly declined precipitously and is now using a walker - although he insists on trying to do without it, which causes most of his falls now. He's stubbornly insisting on keeping his car despite the neurologist having his license revoked and telling him it's unlikely he will ever drive again. He's convinced that the doctors aren't doing enough and that once he's "through all this" then his life will return to normal. He's been retired for more than 20 years due to a massive stroke, and is 74 years old. I'm 62 and we've been married 13 year and I've hated every single second of it. We have nothing in common, he doesn't understand the first thing about me, and the only reason I married him is because he's a very emotionally manipulative person. I wanted to break up with him while we were dating, but he was being evicted from his rental home and asked to move in with me. I grudgingly agreed, to help out, but was still looking for a way to let him down easy and end the relationship. He pushed to move in, he pushed to get married, and I've stupidly let him have his way. Now, I'm still working (and can't see a time when I'll ever be able to retire) and taking care of him. He makes no effort to do as the doctors tell him, he's very depressed and relies on me to deal with his mood, and I feel trapped and hopeless. He had a UTI delirium last October and it was the purest hell I've ever endured! He came out of it with antibiotics, of course, and is stabilized with severe mobility issues (he staggers around clutching at furniture and walls when not using his walker), has urinary frequency and occasional incontinence, has lost 40 pounds and is dealing with nausea and lack of appetite. He's facing prostate surgery in a couple. months as well. It's an overnight stay for him and I'm looking forward to a day and night without him. I'm terrified at the thought of how many years this may drag on. I'm sick of emptying his urinal, getting him up for his meds, coming home from work at lunch to make him get out of bed and take more meds, washing his rank clothes, getting him up off the floor, going to the ER with head injuries and sitting there all night only to have to get up to go to work the next morning, cooking his dinner, doing his shopping, taking him to stores or restaurants that he nags at me to go to only to have a fall or an incontinence issue in public, paying his income taxes because he won't, and dealing with his petulant moods and his depression. I struggle with depression myself, and have done my entire life, and I'm barely treading water emotionally. Then he wants to throw his arms around my neck to hold him up and he's drowning me. I hate him with every fiber of my being and the only thing I want is to be away from him but how can I leave him in this condition? I live paycheck to paycheck, so a nursing home is out of the question financially. If this doesn't end soon, I'm not going to make it. He's draining the life out of me and I had to write this just to get it off my chest!
When someone is drowning, you don't jump in the water to save them, you throw them a lifeline.
Your DH is using YOU as his 'lifeline' and it's not working.
74 is YOUNG. 62 is YOUNGER.
You can divorce him and walk away and have a life, in fact, though I rarely think divorce is the answer--in your case? Sounds like it's necessary--b/c he's taking you down with him.
YOU have zero responibility to support him when you divorce. Yes, you'll have to divide assests and all that stuff--but in the end, you'll be free.
None of his health issues are life threatening. He probably needs to live in some kind of ALF, whatever he can afford on his OWN.
Find a new place--even a cheap studio apartment would be better than what you have now. Move out. File for divorce. Move forward.
Do you have a support system for YOU? At this point, I woudn't help HIM at all. He isn't without income, probably has some kind of disability, whatever, that's not your worry.
Imagine how pleasant life would be if you could make your own calls, do your own thing and be free from a freeloading, abusive (yes, he is being abusive!) spouse.
You will owe him NOTHING. If you WANT to help him get re-established, that would be beyond kind and if you want to, do it. If not, walk away. No judge is going to give him alimony or even a financial aettlement, esp since you have done all the CG for him and he has not contributed at all.
Nobody here is going to judge you for leaving. For wanting your own life.
Schedule a short mtg with a divorce lawyer. Probably the best money you'll spend.
Do you have a friend you could stay with for a week or so--to take the time to get your legs under you? Or maybe even a long term stay hotel? Just get away and see how NOT living with him feels.
I have a dear friend who had a rotten husband. She hated him, he was manipulative and downright cruel. She complained about him endlessly. Her depression was phenomenal and she stayed with him, despite EVERYBODY telling her to cut ties and divorce him. She never did. He died 2 weeks ago and she is struggling with guilt and more depression b/c she wasted almost 60 years with a horrible, horrible man. Don't let that be you.
My heart aches for you, your pain is obvious and sad. Take care of you, nobody else is going to....
((HUGS))
She got married at the age of 49 and admits that she never cared about him or wanted to be married to him. Hardly a kid at that age.
Your friend staying in a miserable marriage with someone she hated for 60 years is so ridiculous that it is beyind my comprehension.
If people are miserable and cannot live in peace with each other anymore, they should divorce.
I don't know how you were able to stand listening to your friend complain endlessly for so long. Myself personally I have a very limited capacity for tolerating complaining from people who never take any actions to help themselves.
But the damage has been done and now you're lying in the bed you made.
The only way out is by getting a divorce, but make sure you get a good divorce attorney.
Your husband will have to go on Medicaid and be placed in the appropriate facility.
You may have to go on Medicaid as well to be able to make ends meet.
There is a way out. You just have to be brave enough to take it.
I wish you the very best.
In terms of his condition, have you had him tested for Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus? His symptoms sound similar to those of NPH; ask his neurologist to refer him to a neurosurgeon for a test. If that is what he has, a shunt would help his symptoms.
Best wishes to you.
He is not going to change so you have to if you want a better life.
I wish for you a new life and all the best in it. Don't be manipulated any longer. Read up on FOG -fear, obligation and guilt and step away from this painful existence.
You say you should not have married him, but you did.
You say you were always unhappy and you should have left him. But you didn't do this when he was WELL, and it will be more difficult now that he is ill.
I would start with seeing a counselor, a good psychologist or Licensed Social worker in private counseling practice. The latter may be of more help to you overall. I would end with an attorney. If you wish to leave you will have to insure the safety of one no longer competent to care for himself first.
I cannot add anything to what Midkid said, she covered pretty much all of it.
Grow up. At your age if you don't want to be with him anymore, file for divorce. You're not legally obligated to take care of him, live with him, or stay married to him.
I'm going to assume that the two of you rent the home you both live in and you do not own. If you do not own assets together and you don't have to work out a custody and child support arrangement because you have no kids together, getting a divorce will be pretty easy. I combined getting my first divorce with a vacation in Mexico. My ex and I did not own property together and we didn't have kids. He didn't contest it. Divorce under circumstances like yours is pretty easy to get.
You have no love for your husband. You don't even have basic respect for him. Do yourself and him a favor. Move out. You admit that you hate him and are not caregiving out of any love for the man. Don't be martyr.
I am twice divorced myself. I have never used the word 'hate' in reference to either of my husbands. You do. It's time to end your marriage and go your own way.
You have only been married 13 yrs but you work. You may have to pay alimony.
You may want to become a Community Wife. This means u see an Elder lawyer who can split your assets. Husbands split is used to place him in care with Parkinson's he will only get worse. When the money runs out, Medicaid is applied for. You get to stay in the home and have a car. Enough of his monthly income to pay ur bills. There is paperwork you can sign with Medicaid refusing to support him with your money. An elder lawyer can go into more detail, I am just giving u the basics.
Ask an elder lawyer if you have the option to just walk away. Calling APS to say there is a vulnerable adult ur no longer willing to care for.
Another option is if he winds up in the hospital have him evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found he is 24/7 care, you tell him you will not be taking care of him. That he needs to be placed. That discharging him to home is unsafe. You work fulltime. If you have no POA, you may want to allow the State to take over his care, then go thru divorce proceedings to cut ur ties. Again, need to run this by an Elder lawyer.
The OP isn't going to get any piece of that in a divorce. She also will not have to pay him alimony because he already has the means to support himself.
She should just go to the court and make the divorce petition. Whe the phrase living 'paycheck to paycheck' falls into the equasion and they live in a rental property, there are no assets to be divided. It's pretty cut and dry.
I some states, you can be divorced fairly quickly, and I hope yours is one of them. You deserve better.
As for leaving him in his condition, you've done your best. As far as I know, the marriage vows do not promise to stay with someone who is not and never was a nice person. You deserve better, and you'll manage fine without him.
Just for your own sanity, you need to leave before you end up getting a mental breakdown. If it’s a case that you want to set up your husband in a comfortable place where he can live with assistance before you leave, there’s a wonderful program by the name of PACE that each state offers. The only problem with the PACE program is that you have to live in the cities/counties where the program is administered and your income has to be within their limits. Otherwise, if he makes over the amount of their guidelines, he can have a Miller Trust where the excess of his income can be deposited into the trust. Regardless of whether your husband has Medicare or Medicaid, PACE will accept him provided he lives in the counties/cities where the program is administered. The PACE program will encompass his entire wellbeing, and they will take him to his doctors’ appointments, etc. Also, if your husband has Medicare Advantage they will pay for someone to come in to help with his laundry, take him to run his errands, etc.
Please speak to an elder law attorney ASAP who will guide you and help you to get out of this heartbreaking situation.
I wish you well, and I hope you find a solution to your problem soon.
First of all, I am not going to kick you while you are down by saying that you shouldn’t have married him. That would be cruel to say that to you and wouldn’t help you in the least. It would only make you feel worse and you feel rotten enough already.
I cared for my mom with Parkinson’s disease and dementia for many years so I know firsthand how hard it is. I’m really sorry that you are burdened with this situation.
There is no doubt in my mind that you would be better off without this man in your life. See an attorney who will be able to advise you on the best route to take.
See a therapist to help you work through your emotions. You have been hurt so badly by this man. I suspect that you were extremely vulnerable when you first met him. He took advantage of this. Sadly, you are suffering the consequences of being in an unhealthy relationship.
You’re not stupid. Many, many intelligent people have been deceived by others. They often don’t realize how bad their situation is until they are in way over their heads.
Enlist the help of others who will help you form an exit plan. I sincerely hope that one day all of this will only be a distant memory for you.
Focus your attention on being able to resume your life being free, healthy and living in peace.
Take care. Wishing you all the best.
Having said that, I am sure that he is a jerk and has been long before he was sick. He can blame some of his behavior on his illness now but he has no excuse for his rotten behavior before his illness.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so did he serve in anyplace/location where he may have been exposed to chemicals used during Vietnam? Every one of the conditions you indicate have been linked to exposure. If this is the case it may not relate directly to you but it may help your husband. With a "Service Connected Disability" he may qualify for a VA placement. (This might be enough to end the "pay check to pay check" cycle. And the VA has started paying spouses to care for the Veteran...if you remain married. )
Talk to a Divorce Attorney
Talk to an Elder Care Attorney
I do question the surgery, anesthesia is not great for someone with dementia.
Although that might be a great time to talk to the Social Worker and tell them that you need help placing him as you can no longer safely care for him at home. (safety is not just physical safety it is mental, emotional safety as well)
This is a very toxic woman.
I can't imagine how she could be of any benefit to her husband - in any situation, except helping him financially to survive - and get the care / quality of care he needs.
If you want change, it will be benficial to identify what your new goals are & start making steps towards them.
I find people can blame someone else, blame their lack of finances, blame all sorts of external factors til the cows come home.. blame keeps you stuck. Blame won't change your life.
Making changes will change your life.
There's no reason on earth why a woman of 62 years should be financially dependent on anyone other than herself.
The husband is a very sick man. No one in his conditions deserves to be taken care of by someone who hates them.
That's not fair to him or the OP.
He needs a caregiver. She needs a life. These things are not impossible to get. The life they're living together isn't fair to either one them.
This is what happens when people become care martyrs. Not just when they're caring for sick or elderly people. My mother used her kids as her martyrdom when she wasn't elderly and needy. We were the reason why she poor and not living a fulfilling and exciting life. Then we grew up and left her and that was the reason. Of course my father was always her backup blame and still is even though their marriage ended decades ago and he's been dead several years.
This is how martyrs operate and I have zero empathy or sympathy for them.
If your life is so bad, do something about it. Just take one step. Many people don't because blaming and complaining becomes someone's normal life. A lot of times the price is very high for this kind of normal and it seems to me like the OP and her husband are both paying it.
Unless you break down and hammer in his skull one day, of course.
Your husband had the massive stroke that forced him into retirement at least seven years before you married him. You wanted to break up with him, but you didn't. You wanted to keep him out of your house, but you didn't. You wanted not to marry him, but you went ahead and did it anyway. You now resent him and resent the work you do for him and thoroughly detest him, and for all of this you blame his skill at manipulation.
Tell me, have you been aware all along that this was so? Or has something built up and bubbled over, or recently happened, that disillusioned you?
Talking about a hammer and his skull ...
Keep your comments to yourself.
You are not serving any useful purpose.
This tells me that she had mental issues long before being married to her rotten husband. An emotionally balanced woman wouldn’t agree to be with or marry a man that she didn’t love.
She realized her mistake and regrets it. It serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever to rub her nose in her past decisions.
Why kick her when she is down? That doesn’t help her in any way. It will only make her feel worse and discourage her from reaching out for help that she desperately needs at this point in her life.
The OP came here for constructive criticism and comfort. Saying that “you shouldn’t have married him” is neither of those.
She already knows that she shouldn’t have married him! To point it out as a fact is fine but to say it with harsh judgment isn’t necessary. It does more harm than good.
Plus, if you were the OP would you want to be reminded of the last stupid thing that you did? I doubt it.
No one wants to be remembered for their last stupid mistake. Every single person on this planet has made mistakes but I bet they have done good things as well.
My grandmother was very wise about so many things. She once said that all of us have good and bad inside of us. Oh, so true. There are no perfect human beings that have never made any mistakes.
Let’s wish the OP well and encourage her to move on without throwing her mistakes in her face, no matter how many years that she has stayed with her husband.
OP, as I said below, seek out the help of professionals, an attorney and a therapist to help guide you through these difficult times. I wish you all the best.
She doesn't come across as a silly or uneducated or self-pitying or helpless person, and sadly there are pieces-of-work out there who indeed are so skilled at manipulating others as to be very difficult to escape. So what I'm getting at is the question - what's going to change? Because if nothing does, nothing will.
All I am saying is to send a message that is productive for her rather than a nonproductive message.
As I said earlier, she is quite aware that she has made a mistake by marrying him.
There’s no need to keep rubbing her nose in it in a harsh way. It’s more helpful to state the facts without judgement.
The only thing a harsh message will do is chase her off because she won’t feel comfortable reaching out for help.
Who knows what she has felt prior to contacting this forum? People who are stuck often become blind to the obvious solutions.
Obviously, she needs help from a professional therapist. If she would have been a clear thinking person she wouldn’t have married this guy.
She would also benefit from seeing an attorney.
I hope that she will find the help that she needs to get out of this messy situation.
We need to own our decisions, which you are not (able to) doing now.
That you talk 'now' about not wanting to marry him 13 years ago tells me you have a huge amount of unpacked emotions and psychological issues, and deep wounding, which not only affect your wel-being and health, it is extremely toxic to your husband as well.
NO ONE makes us marry anyone.
NO ONE makes us stay in a marriage we do not want.
You are making your own decisions - and key here is that you are CONTINUING to do so NOW.
That you feel powerless are issues you need to work on. When you take responsibility for yourself, you will stop blaming him.
I just wanted to say that I understand - and that you will get out - and this will be behind you. And there will be life after this for you - a new one. It just takes some baby steps forward. I think you've gotten some really great advise here on this site from others who have great insight and knowledge in this arena - and it also probably starts with having a consult with an eldercare lawyer for options and next steps. Hopefully, the lawyer can guide you thru this. And I assume after a division of assets w/a divorce, your husband can qualify for Medicaid and a proper facility that specializes in care for his needs.
I wish you tons of Blessings for continued strength, clarity and all the very best. Just know that you can move forward in life and you will get there.
Many people have been deceived by addicts. They can be very persuasive. They are also extremely good at covering their tracks.
Sooner or later though, they get caught!