I am an only child who struggled to keep them in their home for 2 years. When my mother's needs became more than I could handle 24/7, even ignoring that I am only 53 and still working full-time 40 miles from home, I moved them to assisted living. My Dad who has some type of mental health issue (no memory loss but mood swings initially mis-diagnosed with Lewy Body), is very mad at me. He thinks I should be taking care of them. I tried that, working all day, driving to their house for shift 2 of laundry (mom incontinent so every day the bed needed to be stripped and washed, even with adult underwear), meds, meals, washing all dishes of the day (because men of the mid-century didn't do those "women" duties), every. single. day. I drove have exhausted, only to fall in bed, then get up and do it all over again.
I did the math, and having someone come to the their home was more than double of a ALF. There house sits empty because I feel bullied and guilty by my father to do anything with it. It is decaying and needs to be sold but I feel that he already hates me. In his mind, he is in AL until my mother passes, and then he's moving to another state and will resume what he could physically do in his 20's, because he does not see he is not capable. He forgets meds, has never written a check in his life, much less handle ANY time of finances or decisions. He is dependent on me for everything but lashes out to me any chance he gets.
My mother is very passive. Quite frankly, I think she is just ready to go. I'd tried meds for depression/anxiety and I just can't fix it. My Dad, is very cruel and does not understand or will not admit all that I have on my shoulders. He really doesn't know since Mom always handled everything.
It's all squarely on my shoulders. Every doctor appointment, every med and financial decision. EVERYTHING. No sibs, and no other family except my husband and children (in their 20's and both newly married).
How do I handle the emotional baggage this has brought? I feel horrible that I dread calling/visiting my own parents. Due to the virus, I have not had to visit in 3 weeks, and I am extremely depressed that I feel happy about that. What is wrong with me? I see others who still celebrate birthdays with their parents in AL, they rock contently on the front porch of AL and have conversation. I have none of that. I go weekly, hang up their clothing, take them snacks and bottled water, put that away, and spray the pee stains on the floor from the small dog that he CANNOT take care of, yet he will truly hate me for life if I take his beloved dog, so I spend my weekends picking up errant dog poop in their room, and try to ignore the smell all of that brings. It's another reason why I cannot move my Dad in with me when Mom passes. I can't handle a dog ruining my house that I've worked hard for, just to appease Dad and wash his every dish so he can live the life he wants, at the demise of mine.
I'm living in limbo, and hate myself for wishing for the days ahead that I no longer carry this burden. And yes, the guilt of feeling like they are a burden is hard to digest. I feel like I'm in the minority of people who feel this way and need validation that I'm not alone in my feelings.
I moved in to my parent's home, changed my lifestyle for them to feel more secure.
Extended family warned me not to do it, but guilt bought me to their home.
Being locked in because of corona virus has really bought these issues up.
Your father acts like mine. Complete disregard for anybody but himself, my mother is very passive.
I regret my choice immensely.
It's not OK to sacrifice our lives or happiness, and parents who loved you (and were in their right mind) wouldn't ask this of you.
What the lockdown is showing you, is how much better you feel when you don't see them all the time. Don't feel guilty, recognize it as a truth, and don't go back to your old ways, you'll loose respect for yourself if you do, and your father won't thank you. You're a Mother, would you have your children feeling this way in the years to come? There's your answer.
First step, stop feeling guilty for your very legitimate feelings. Maybe acknowledge to yourself a feeling of sorrow, grief, or loss that you can't have a nice, porch rocking time with them when you visit. Accept your sadness about this, because it really is sad. But don't, for the love of Mike, beat yourself up for it.
You are not required by morals or the universe to destroy your life for a parent. Especially one who is cruel, negative, and abusive.
Take care of yourself.
Worst case, They take away the dog. You can get Dad a grabber he can use from a chair or walker, and small trash can, or diaper genie bin for the poop. Also provide enzyme eating spray or bottle with spot. Kind you just let evaporate.
Set up a time to call daily for 10 -15 min each. Have a prepared topic list.
When they go off topic, say that is not what I am calling about. I am calling because I love you and to see if anything has changed, that I need to address.
You might send a list of tasks done...in writing. Tell them it is for their reference & reassurance!!
I am lucky, my Grandparents taught their sons to do laundry, floors, dishes, & see on buttons or patches. His motto was, even if it is only when your wife is having your child. Someday you need to Man Up & take care of the household. It is part of loving your wife!
But don't engage in that conversation. When you visit again, sit down for 5-10 minutes and just talk. Stop acting like a maid or staff member!!
By default, I sold my home (after divorce) and moved in with my mother and father, 11 years ago. Both needed full time care and attention 24/7. My Dad was a good man, but would always bring up mistakes Id made growing up. I wasn't perfect, but never escaped the guilt of the past, and if he would get upset about something, he'd drag out the ghosts of the past.
My mother, has ice water running through her veins at times. She can be, and will, strip you down with words , saying some of the most hatful things that could be said to a human, let alone her own child. Things like, " I hope your cancer kills you quick!" or "you kids dont mean anything to me, hateful stuff like that.
I have a sister, who lives 5 minutes away, and was always "too busy" to help me. She has 3 adult children, 2 live at home. She thought that I was "faking" the side effects from chemo, and it was my responsibility to take care of them, since my kids were with their mother in a different state. I mean, once every 3 weeks, she would stop by, critique what I wasn't doing right, stay for 45 minutes, and leave.
Well, my father passed 4 years ago, never had to go to a "home" and I was glad he didn't. I really didn't get to grieve my Dads loss, because my time was taken up with caring for my mom.
since my Dad passed, my sister has started to visit more often, (I guess she realized they were mortal, and wouldn't be around forever) but never to help, only to converse with mom, and critique the job I was doing.
We got into many verbal altercations, because of her verbal abuse. I hated to see her pull in the driveway.
So, I'm the caretaker, doing all the medications, cooking, cleaning, Dr.s appointments, shopping....etc.. 24/7 365 days a year. Last November was my 60th birthday, and my kids wanted me to visit them in their city for 4 days (was around Thanksgiving) and my sister told me I needed to hire someone to watch my mom, because she would be too busy to do it. I didn't get to celebrate my 60th with my kids.
Over the past year, moms health has declined rapidly. she has been in the hospital 6 times in the last year.....mostly from the effects of COPD. Each time she goes in, it takes her a little longer to rebound.
Up until the last admit to the hospital, she was able to walk with a walker, go to the bathroom by herself. Afetr her last hospital stay, she hasn't re-gained the use of her legs.
So, she is in skilled nursing now, and they dont think she will be able to walk again.
She does NOT want to be there, and expresses that every time we visit. She said that we "promised" her she would never have to stay in a nursing home.
Now, my sister is all emotional about her being in seclusion, with us not able to visit. She calls me daily, saying how depressed she is, and of course, I facetime my mom daily, and she wont talk about anything other than getting home.
I am unable to care for her now. My sister wont. I HATE making the daily phone call, and I dreaded visiting her everyday. I felt ashamed that those were my feelings toward my mom, but thats how I felt. And I still do to this day. Mom is not cooperating with PT, and will probably get kicked off of insurance coverage, with means we will have to pay out of pocket, sell the house.....etc.. She has undiagnosed age related dementia, which does not make this any easier.
I had to start seeing a therapist. Couldn't do it by myself anymore. Also, I set an appt to meet with my Pastor, to seek consul. I dont have any friends, confined to my home, fighting cancer, on disability, my kids are 1000 miles away, and I have an unsupporting sister.
Ill update you on the progress, and encourage you to reach out to any support groups, friends, professionals, clergy you can for help. God Bless!
Whenever you're Mom talks about coming home, take a breath and tell her...
That is up to you! Do you PT! Exercise between sessions! End of discussion!
Call her Doctor & AL Nursing & Case Manager...get a Case Manager!! Inform them that upon release the ONLY options are:
Mom lives with sister.
Sister moves in to Mom's house to care for Mom.
You don't say if you're living in your Mom's house. If so, can you arrange to move out.
Chemo drugs are rough!!! You need a quiet safe place. You probably qualify for Housing Assistance Voucher Program. It may take 1-2 years. Apply now if you can, online. Take advantage of this time to make a plan A,B, & C for you!
God Bless 🙏
I too am an only child; I had to place both of my parents in an ALF back in 2014 when Dad fell and broke a hip. He passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 93 (and has been 'ready and wanting to die' for YEARS now, by the way) and living in the Memory Care wing of the ALF. BEST decision I EVER made, bar none. She is a toxic creature and if I had to move her in with me, I'd shoot myself. I don't feel guilty about saying that, either, because it's the truth. Toxic people suck the energy out of you, and that's not okay. It IS okay, however, to give them their OWN lives in an ALF where you don't have to be subjected to the toxicity 24/7.
Where is it written that what you are doing here is 'wrong'? I have NO DOUBT at all that my mother would have died years ago had I NOT had her in an ALF. The professional care and attention they give her is something she would get nowhere else, and certainly not in my home where DH and I work.
Get rid of the FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) that's been instilled in you, and allow yourself to live YOUR life as you're allowing your parents to live THEIRS. We only get one run here on Earth, so make it a good one.
There is a lifetime of history with a parent. It ends up being what it is. When I visited my 95 yr old mom, I watch. Her face lights up when she sees me and she wants to say I love you and certainly wants to hear it back. She wants a hallmark card. I can recite anything but I cannot undo years and years of being screamed at, being criticized, and being humiliated. So, it is what it is.
I read posts from others who desperately want to visit their parent, who try to visit every day, and visit for hours. I confess to not even understanding the posts, even though they are written in English.
You are not alone.
Don't let your Dad move in. It will be very hard to undo that. And you should not feel guilty at all. Your Dad does not care about how he makes you feel. Good luck and take care of yourself.
As for AL, you placed them there because you can not be 24//7/365 caregiver. A weekly visit to bring water, freshly laundered clothing and snacks is very generous. However, they have other obstacles getting in the way of healthy living - namely their dog which neither can house train. Try putting dog pads on the floor and hiring a dog walker. If you can't solve the dog bathroom issues, the dog has to go to another home.
If the dog issue and your parents' mental health issues are resolved, would visits to your parents be less stress-filled for you?
You’re not alone for feeling the way you do, your stressed out and it’s overwhelming for anyone in this situation...and it’s okay, your allowed to be.
Guilt is a horrible feeling, not easy to ignore or get over it either. I know because I deal with it every day. I’m my mom’s sole (and Soul) caregiver 24/7, it’s an extremely difficult job in every aspect...emotionally, mentally, physically and financially...because I had to quit my job to do this so no money coming in and my savings acct is depleting slowly but surely. Lost my dad to 2 cancers over a decade ago and have been taking care of my mom since...but recently last year as of 24/7.
The real very sad part is, I’m not the only child but the only “single, younger” one that has this responsibility (I’m 46 yrs old with my own medical health issues too). Immediate family live in other states and don’t visit nor help, even financially. Extended family live near by but everyone has their own life and their own problems, they might call once a month or on a holiday just to criticize.
You are doing the best you can with your situation. You can’t change how your dad feels towards you right now (anger, resentment?) you can only change how to perceive it. He’s old school and thinks you should be doing everything bc your the woman (my dad was like this too) if you stop doing it though sooner or later he’ll do it for himself or someone else will have to do it in the ALF.
You do already take very good care of both your parents to the best of your potential. You raised your own family too, wonderful job! and in the near future maybe you’ll even be a grandparent ...lots of joy to look forward too.
God Bless you & your family in these hard times and be safe & healthy in this pandemic.
I will be honest with you and tell you that I feel the same way you do. My mother’s ALF is not accepting visitors now but schedules phone calls or “visits” by Skype or Face-Time. I’ll be talking to her today and I don’t want to. Sometimes we have a nice conversation but more often she is argumentative. One time she refused to talk to me at all, instead was very rude to the attendant holding the phone and would not look at it. She just mocked me with the resident sitting next to her until the attendant ended the call. I don’t know who I’m going to get today.
Before she went in, it was even worse. I went to her apartment every day before work, and spent even more time there on my days off to take care of her. She was rude, bullying and occasionally violent. She accused me of everything from theft to abuse to planning her death. I have had to accept that the mother I knew is already gone. Of course I was exhausting myself for someone who was mean to me and of course I felt the same as you do.
She doesn’t even know that I sold her car and that her house is on the market because she would flip out and accuse me of stealing and wanting her dead and who knows what else. I don’t think she even realizes she is not capable of using either one anymore. I feel like your dad is being unrealistic in the same way. It’s ok to feel the way you do. Anyone in your situation would feel the same.
I don't really have anything more to add than what's already been said, other than to say my heart goes out to you. You are not a bad person. You've been doing the best that one person can do. Your parents are safe and well-cared for. That's no small feat. I believe their "happiness" lies beyond your abilities. If you quit your job, brought them home, and cared for them 24/7, they would still not be happy, and you'd be on your way to an early death (which would leave them alone and uncared for!). They are where they need to be.
Guilt is a terrible thing. It eats you up. And I'm beginning to believe that those of us who are experiencing the most guilt probably have the least to feel guilty about. You don't think you are living up to the proper standards -- your own standards -- when, in fact, you have gone above and beyond. I would just lovingly suggest you find someone to talk to about your own mental health. Unfortunately, you still probably have a lot of work to do related to your folks, like getting rid of the house, details associated with their impending end of life. But you cannot allow all of this to destroy you: It's not noble, and it's not necessary for you to ruin your life because you can't save your parents from frailty and decline. Please think about finding someone who can help you save your mental health. xoxoxoxoxo
But now, parents of the "boomer" generation are in their late 80s to 100s. Boomers are now in their late 50's to mid 70's. I just retired from my full time job at age 69 and was thrust into full time nursing care for both parents. Dad had CHF and renal disease, mild cognitive impairment, urine and fecal incontinent, on oxygen all the time. Temperamental and demanding. Mom has dementia, with zero short term memory or ability to learn anything new. Requires full time supervision. Brother and I tried this at home for about 6 months, but it was more than a full time job for 2 people and we were exhausted. Dad decided a move to AL, where Mom was under his watch, and he had hospice caregivers in unit, worked until he passed away. She is now in memory care.
Caring for old, sick people is draining, they are often oblivious to the time and toll of their demands, and to the fact that family caregivers often have to quit working (what do they live on? where to they get medical insurance?) An in home caregiver often has no life of their own, it's all sucked out of you. Since COVID-19, we have not been able to visit Mom. She doesn't seem to notice. I've been sleeping better than anytime over the past 10 years. That tells me a lot.
distance. It’s really not your response to take care of them. It’s hard enough with people that can love back. They will be fine. They were before all this and they will be after.
I have learnt to live with the guilt now and have a strategy for getting over it. I look back on what she did for her Mother, well she visited once every 4-6 weeks for the day, so just a few hours, she left all the other caring and organization to her brothers and their wives because they lived closer. Understandably, she became very unpopular with her siblings because she would waltz in with treats, push the hoover round, take her mum out in the car for a run and that was it. At that time my Mum was 48 and enjoying life with my Father and her friends and first grandchild.
I am now 67 and never get to spend Christmas or Easter with any of my 3 grandchildren because they live a long way away and Mum can't travel and wont consider being left alone on a holiday weekend and they don't want to come to me because she will be there and then everything becomes about her, she talks about me behind my back to them saying what a bad daughter I am. I made the mistake of moving her closer to me just over 4 years ago because she was struggling with her home and she is now in AL. She hates it and she blames everything on me, she still believes that if she was living "back home" she would be able to walk, would be able to go out alone and make her own decisions. Quite frankly she is crazy if I allowed it she would drive me demented as well.
I hate myself for hoping this will soon be over.....
I totally get where you are coming from I hate calling her, seeing her, taking her out, if I met her socially I would never want to see her again she is the most self centered person I have ever met and my Husband hates her because of how she treats me.
The upside of Covid is that I cant go to see her, the down side is she doesn't understand why and is continually calling and wanting something.
Stand your ground, start to take back your life, they have had theirs, what did they give up for their parents, in my case not a lot, so now I have it in perspective I don't feel guilty just angry that the good die young and the miserable old ones go on forever.
She continues to guilt trip me for putting her there and I absolutely hate going to visit her, I don't even like calling her. But, as everyone here says, you did the right for her safety. She may not like it or understand it, probably never will, but you did what is right. I struggled with guilt for months, and still do, because I really don't like going to see her, but having her in a safe place was the best thing for her, and for your piece of mind, trust me, I've lived it too!
I am the same. I sit there wishing my mother was being pleasant like the others, instead of for ever complaining or insulting me.
This site has helped me realize that there are many of us struggling with this and that has helped me. You are not alone! Keep your chin up and stay safe. xx
I am going to suggest a couple of things to get yourself back to feeling balanced; get yourself to a therapist and during Covid you can do that using Skype. There is a psychologist who wrote an excellent easy to read book that helped me tremendously and he does Skype counseling. He deals with adult children of parents like ours. The author is Paul Chafetz and the book is Loving Hard to Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Parents. A thin book with good tips and fast read. Another book on setting boundaries by Henry Cloud is another good one. But you need someone with an objective voice who has the knowledge to help you through this. It may only take a few visits to get a grip.
Parent yourself by being kind and loving like you would to your own child, realize you have feelings too and you DO NOT have to accept being abused. Your dad is being manipulative and you do not have to play the game. Take your power back, realize you can stand up for yourself.
I might add one more thing and that is why isn’t the ALF handling their medication? That is how most operate, one of the reasons they go to AL is medication management. Also, can the director talk to your dad about the dog using the apartment as a toilet? I’m shocked they would allow that.
use the director there to help you sort some of these things out. You should not be doing all these tasks that they are paying for.