Follow
Share

I don't even know what category to put this in.


I'll try and be as direct as I can.


There is a family friend who helped care for my grandfather when he was sick up until he died. That same person needed a place to stay so I figured it couldn't hurt and I could use the extra rent money and I know I could make it dirt cheap for him compared to what he has before.


But I very quickly realized he needs a LOT of help. Sure, he can bathe himself, feed himself (though he only cooks literally one thing, and otherwise only makes sandwiches and such), etc. But otherwise he's completely dependent on others.


He had zero idea on how to pay his own bills, zero idea how to use his phone if a name isn't already in the contacts, can't even schedule his own doctor appointments or call in his own prescriptions. He can't drive. And if you try to attempt at getting him to cook anything other than his sandwiches or crockpot "goulash", even as simple as a box of Mac n cheese, he is completely lost. He can BARELY manage to shop for himself. He's on disability and Medicaid.


My aunt helped him for a few years and I'm almost feeling like she pawned him off on me, so to speak, without giving me the details that he needed all of this extra assistance.


I, myself, am pending disability after near working myself to death (quite literally) and am a single father with custody of my kids and I'm restoring the house because I bought it cheap "as is". So I'm already pretty strapped for time and attention.


Now, we've since figured out an apartment for him, but my phone is absolutely blowing up from him needing this and that and I can't keep running out to him when I've got so much else going on.


It's not that I don't want to help. It's that I can't. Again, single dad, two kids living with me, I'm awaiting disability myself due to injuries, and I can't keep up with it all and I need to focus on my kids first.


My family has taken care of this man, who isn't even related to us, for four years or more. I'm unsure the extent of his family but I do know he has a daughter and granddaughter, but they've done nothing to help him.


He's a good guy. And I've been doing my best at making time for him, but I can't raise my kids, take care of my household, AND care for someone elderly who isn't even related to me. His family needs to step up or I need to find more options for his care. His Medicaid covers tech assistants that can take him shopping or help him get his meds, whatever, but I also have been around him long enough to know he will refuse that help. But the longer time goes on, the more dependent on me he's become.


At what point is enough enough? My state does have laws in place that obligate people to care for their elderly direct family members whether directly or financially, but I don't want to seem like a jerk for getting all legal with it. And I know if I try to involve social services to get him some help, he's going to refuse it.


He can't keep getting more dependent on me with my own declining health and needing to raise my kids. I'm not qualified to do so. I literally don't have the physical stamina to do it because of my own injuries.


I'm just at a loss. If my health was better or I didn't have custody of my kids then I'd have the physicality and the time, but I don't. I don't mind helping, but it's becoming less help and becoming more dependent.


I don't know what to do.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Well you've got to accept the truth that No. 1 he took great care of your grandfather as a family friend, that in itself says he is a genuine person. No. 2 you made the choice of asking him to stay with you and to help towards paying the rental money. So you made those 2 choices without realising the long term consequences that you had your own family to care for. So you cant really kick this man out of your house now. Try and work something out so that it will cause less stress for all of you in the home. First tell him that your health is now declining and you cannot give him the care he needs. You also have to care for your kids as well. Contact his daughter and say the truth that she will have to now care for him as you cannot do so due to your own health issues. Maybe the daughter doesnt know that you are struggling to look after him, so she needs to be told and who knows she may oblige to take over care of him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Try finding him an assisted living facility. He doesn’t sound like he is able to live on his own in an apartment. An assisted living facility would fill in those gaps that you are struggling to fill.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

He is a good guy . So are You. He has a daughter... HE HAS A DAUGHTER....

HE HAS A DAUGHTER.... and again:::: ::: HE HAS A DAUGHTER.

WHERE IS SHE? again: WHERE IS SHE? ... when was the last time your or her dad have spoken to her: DID HE CALL HER IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS?

I TRULY SUGGEST YOU START THERE.. CALLL THE DAUGHTER.... Get a conversation going..... START THERE..... one small step to the next... Hopefully she will give you details on why she was / is out of his life this many years...

She may have a legit answer for that...LISTEN..............
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My short answer (obviously without full context) is that he's not a relative and you don't owe him your help, legally. You have to make a type of cold choice but it's legally OK for the system step in, even if it causes guilt for awhile. Society set up these systems for good reason.

When people ask too much of an individual they should stop and realize that compassion has more than one perspective. You can always visit at random for a better conscience if limits are respected.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Contact your town's Council on Aging.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm thinking even though you are reluctant to do this, it is time to contact the area agency on Aging to explain the situation and to determine if he is eligible for any services. It also is time past time really to set limits on how much assistance that you are able to provide if any given your situation. You say that this gentleman may refuse but you need to explain that he needs to accept it as you cannot continue to help him. I understand that you don't w ish to get legal so how about explaining to the agency the family situation as you know it and let them pursue the situation and determine their involvement. Please try not to feel guilty. After all, for many years, you went above and beyond. Please stay strong. You can check on him if you choose but it is past time for you to take a step back. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Maryjann Apr 2020
Perfectly said. "He may refuse, but you need to explain that he needs to accept it as you cannot continue to help him." Since it sounds like there is probably some dementia involved (can't make boxed mac and cheese), the outside services will have to handle that.
(0)
Report
You are doing a very generous thing, but you also need to set boundaries so that you can care for yourself and your family. Have you talked to the members of his family to let them know what your situation is? I'd start there and give them the opportunity to step up. He'll need a Power of Attorney (POA) for medical and financial affairs who can help him make decisions and/or take over the responsibilities. It sounds like you do not want this role, and usually a direct family member does this. If his family won't take over, he may have to become a guardian of the state. This is not desirable if there are other options. You may want to mention this when you talk to his family.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello TMacher 86:
After reading your post I felt like crying. The very first reaction I had when I finished was -- you are NO jerk. Call the local Elder Abuse hotline, explain the situation, and give them (if you have them) the families names. This would be the best and kindest thing you can do for your friend.

You are getting more and more angry about the situation, I can see it in your words. Doing this will free you of many things, but more important allow you to help and be there for your friend in ways that both benefit both of you. Your own children and your health must be your first priorities. Please take care of yourself first. You can not help anyone if you let yourself fall apart.

Best of luck, hugs, and prayers.

Angelheart2
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
FloridaDD Apr 2020
APS is NOT going to make the family step up.  They may appoint a guardian, and try to manage his care.
(3)
Report
This reminds me of what happened to me. I had a dear friend who became very ill and needed constant care. Not a soul in her family was willing to lift a finger. I lived in the same apartment building and worked full time and it all fell on me (I did not have to but I loved her and wanted to help). It nearly killed me as I could not do everything. Finally, I was the one who placed her into a nursing home - she was actually happy. I took care of her for 28 years. In your case, given your physical situation and his needs and abilities and relationship, you must realize that YOU must take care of YOU first. You have no choice but to seek professional help and have him placed into a facility that can take care of him. They are out there. If you do NOT do this, YOU will end up being destroyed or worse. You must place him - and without any guilt on your part.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Since you live in a rural area, you might want to call The Area Agency on Aging. Every County in every State in the US has an office. They should be able to help you.

I know you need to get him on someone else’s radar instead of just dropping him. It sounds like he can’t function alone. This Agency should have the means to do that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First, those state ‘responsibility’ laws are largely ineffective. Our state has them and I’ve never heard of them being invoked.

it sounds like the pro is boundary setting. Your friend can take care of himself in a minimal way and he has paid assistance available to support him. You are enabling him. He MUST take advantage of the aids he’s entitled to. Then, you can fill in with a little friendly assistance as you’re able. Define what it will be (pick something that there are no alternatives for him). At first, confine you’re help to finding programs for him via your county’s office on aging. Transportation, house cleaning, day programs, there are programs for all of it. He just needs to be helped to overcome his resistance. After that, it will all just be part of his routine. Plus, he’ll have that many more people in his life.

ps - don’t worry about his diet. My dad ate the exact same thing for each meal for years.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Have you tried to talk with the daughter? Start with her and let her know your situation and limited ability to care for him any longer. If she does not live in the area or has other excuses, then advise her that she needs to pay a visit and arrange some help for her dad. If you don't get cooperation with that conversation, it will be time to contact adult protective to see if they can get some help in place for him - such as payee to handle his finances, help to prepare meals, or whatever he may need.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

First, forget all these people who say call teh police, DHS,etc. Thats not your business to call the police on someone who hasnt committed a crime. People on here always tell everyone on here the same answer when they dont know what to tell you which is always call police or DHS.
So now that you know what NOT to do, let me tell you what to do. There are adult day centers which care for people like this all day long liek from 8a-5pm and people love teh social interaction with other disabled people and in our city they can even ride the handicap bus so no need to even take him. He will get two or three meals a day and they even have a nurse on staff. This will cut down on his need for you by over 50 percent im sure and Medicaid pays for it.
The state also has different programs where they will pay for someone to take him shopping,etc. This will cut down your help you need to give by another 30 percent at least.
So when all is said and done I wouldnt be surprised if you have to help him only once in a blue moon.
Start looking for solutions instead of all these people on here who comment too just throw the guy under the bus. All it will take is a few phone calls to a day center and they will help you get the ball rolling.
Then tell your friend you are going to get him some help and he needs to coporate because your exhausted but your still going to be his friend and help him when you can. Tell him to let you help him and you and just reassure him you are still friends and will be there for him.
Turn a negative into a positive! Plus this will set a good example for your kids! Your kids will always remember how there daddy helped a disabled man!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

"...At what point is enough enough?..." How about yesterday? You have responsibilities. What toll is this taking on your children? Your first responsibility is to your children!

"...I am trying to figure out how to set up contingencies so he'll be alright, then walk away..."

"...we are in an area where he doesn't know anyone, there's no pubic transportation, there's no markets within walking distance...It's pretty much the middle of nowhere..."

You are not a social worker. Call the county and report him as a "vulnerable elder" and give them his address. Then call him and tell him that you won't be around for a while. He should understand. If he doesn't, that's on him not you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Thank you for caring for this guy who obviously needs help. You need to let others care for him. It would be wonderful if his family cared for him, but there is no guarantee that any of them would step up. I agree with other posters that you need to contact local authorities to step in.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thank you for helping for such a long time. It is time for you to concentrate on yourself and your children. I put his children on notice, that you have been glad to be of help but effective (like 30 days) you will no longer be available to assist. Call local social services and notify them you will not be able to assist so they can get in touch his children.

We have a few friends who help us from time to time and we are so very grateful. We also know that we don't ask them to do anything very often as we don't want to take advantage of their kindness. However, I'm appreciative so I don't have to pay someone as I am saving as much as possible to pay for services and help down the road. So....you have been a great role model for your children and now you must move over and let others do what you've been doing. Oh Yeah! No guilt.

We are in people's lives for a time and that is good. Seasons of our lives change and yours is to be a father. Bless you for your kindness.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You suggest that he may qualify for some in-home help through Medicaid or social services. If you are trying to kindly get him to some help other than you, then just be there for those first few visits. I know it feels like it defeats the purpose that you are there, but he may put up with the assistance because you are there. Do this a couple of times. Next visit, be there for the start, leave, then come back. Same for next visit. If you can wean him into this help, you have managed to get him into using some sort of program that will now be regularly assessing him. They will be able to report declines in ability or health and possibly increase hours as needed. These programs can provide Lifeline equipment for example. Next, with caller ID, you can screen calls and only answer when you want to. If you don't think your kids can remember to screen the calls, only make your cell phone available to him. Even if there are no filial laws about supporting him, his child/children might need to be contact people for emergency purposes; the social programs that provide in-home care will want that information. They will either matter-of-factly involve the family (not monetarily) or identify their lack of involvement and deal with it in some way. In the meantime, if you chose, you can be his friend. By that, I mean, that once he has adjusted to outside assistance, and this Covid-19 crisis has abated, you can acknowledge his kindness to your grandfather by taking him to breakfast or lunch once a month or some thing like that. Less time? Stop by for a couple games of dominoes or cribbage. You mention that you need to focus on your kids. I agree. But now that you are in this, you need to model to them how to get this situation into something more appropriate but with a caring approach. What they learn from you in this adjustment will make quite an impression. Good luck with everything.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Here's a thought...Some asked if there is a will. Well you could talk to the daughter & granddaughter saying that you are talking to Gentleman about his will. Maybe along the lines of now that he needs more care and is unable to get it from D & GD changes will need to be made (to the will) to accommodate that. Nothing galvanizes people like money. Once that ball is rolling you can step out of the process for good (hopefully).
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
jacobsonbob Apr 2020
That looks like a GREAT idea!
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
You sound at the end of your rope. I don't blame you, this is a very difficult situation. But if you don't change it, you may be inviting dire consequences - and then where will he be, not to mention your children?

If there are resources that will help him, get those started and wean him off you. It will take time, patience, and planning. Gradually be less available as the services step in more. If he "refuses," persist. Don't give in. Keep pushing back. Remind yourself that this is not negotiable; the situation has become unsustainable.

Being in reactive mode is really stressful and makes a person feel not in control of their own time. Start doing some planning so you're dealing with the situation in a more measured, controlled way. How you do this will depend on the details of the situation. Example: instead of answering every phone call all day, change it to you calling him once a day and finding out what he needs. Then decide what's important to address, how, and when. Let his calls go to voice-mail at the other times.

Here's the thing. You're going to feel awful and guilty and like a jerk. But those guilt feelings are what have landed you in this impossible situation. Those guilt feelings are not your friend, and you'll need to find strength and presence of mind to push them back while you put a new approach into place. Expect it to be hard, but it's hard *now* - so what version of hard do you choose?

It might help to remember your highest priority: your children. They need you to be present and healthy. That's job one.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You might could contact a local church to see if they would be willing to help. They could check on him, bring meals, take him to appts, etc. The best thing, though, would be to get him in an assisted living facility.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Daughter doesn't care? Is daughter in his will?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Going back to the daughter and granddaughter.

You: your dad has an appointment two weeks on Monday. Would you be able to take him to that?
Daughter: sure.
Outcome: she doesn't turn up.

So, what did you do about that? Did you ask her why she didn't take him? What did she say? What did HE say?*

The thing is. There is one half-hearted flurry of attempts to "get them involved." They make positive noises but do nothing. And so you write them off! - and then groan under the burden of caring for their father, and despise them for that.

Well, don't! Get in touch with them and have a frank, practical discussion. If they really are as flaky as their father sounds then he's probably better off without their input anyway, but at least give them a chance. Don't drop hints when what is required is clear understanding.


* My money is on that he said "oh, okay, sure" when they rang to say they couldn't make it, and would he be able to get to his appointment on his own.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Llamalover47 Apr 2020
TMacher86: Countrymouse makes very good points. Suggest that you use them.
His daughter will have to care when you tell her that you CANNOT continue HER responsibility.
(0)
Report
Again, try APS, but they may be closed or just dealing with the caseloads they have now. Since u have reached out to the family, give APS the #s.

Medicaid offers transportation to doctor visits. Call them and see how he signs up. There maybe a small fee on his part.

I have been where you are. It started by taking my GFs Mom to doctor appts. Then my GFs husband found they couldn't make it on retirement so he went back to work. (GF had health problems from being a juvenile diabetic) So, we started driving her to Dr appts. Then the adult daughter that lived with them started having health problems, so we were asked to drive her. DH was retired but I was working one week on, one week off. In one month, we had 3 days each week taking one of them to doctors. Sometimes, the mother and daughter going to the same complex. I asked if couldn't they coordinate their appts so we could kill 2 birds with one stone. Also, all their drs were in DE and we all lived in NJ. It was only over the bridge but traffic is awful over there. I started getting resentful and taken advantage of. I got out of it by watching my grandson. I warned them months before so they could set up drivers. I no longer volunteer for anything. It tends to obligate you. If I am asked, then I would probably do it but I don't feel obligated.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
jacobsonbob Apr 2020
Did they even bother to reimburse you for the tolls?
(1)
Report
You know he has a daughter and a granddaughter. You say they've done nothing to help. Have you yourself been in contact with them? Have you asked the gentleman anything about them?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
TMacher86 Apr 2020
Yes. He lived with me for six months. I've spoken to his family. They know for certain he needs help but haven't taken him to a single appointment, grocery run, or stopped by to visit him at all even when asked. I've even told them about appointments he's had, two or three weeks in advance, but I couldn't do it because I'd be out of town for work or sometimes even out of state. They knew and had the time to plan. He had to reschedule every single one that they acted like they would take him to because they always backed out later. No exception. Not once did they bother. Which I don't understand. He's a decent enough guy. He's not loud, not aggressive, and it's obvious he cares about them but they just don't return that same energy.

That's part of why I can't just "drop him" like others (not in this forum) have suggested. I am trying to figure out how to set up contingencies so he'll be alright, then walk away.
(4)
Report
I'm not sure where you're getting information about his family being legally obligated to take care of him, but it is not correct. His daughter and grand daughter are not going to be forced to do anything if they either can't help or don't want to. You are going to have to have a conversation with this man and explain to him you are unable to provide his living arrangements anymore due to your own health and family's health. Perhaps you can help him find another place, or if not, call state social services and have them get involved.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
TMacher86 Apr 2020
He already has an apartment. I helped him into one. But we live in the middle of nowhere where there's no public transportation and even medical services are hard to come by. If I completely blank on him, it's not guaranteed that even Medicaid or any other program could help him get to the doctor or even the grocery store. There's no store delivery, no uber, no nothing out here.

And as for the legal part, it varies by state. Some do. Some don't. Yours may not. But others do. Some states treat it like child support and custody. I've been in the courtroom (as an assistant) and had to listen to these cases. Yes it's a thing.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
No, please don't get involved. This will only become more and more responsibility. Did he help your grandfather or just someone living with GPa. Maybe it was really GPa helping him.

I suggest ASAP you call Adult Protection Services. Just tell them u have allowed him to stay because of his friendship to GPa but you are finding he needs more help than you, with your own health problems and family, r able to give. If you know his relatives names and info, give it to them. No, they don't have to step up but APS will need to know that.

Here's how I feel about any situation like this, you find them the resources, its up to them to take advantage of them. Your responsibility is to your family.

You have to set boundries in the meantime. Use the virus as an excuse. Tell him everyone is in lockdown. You can't be running errands all over and bring the virus back to ur kids. Tell him to make a list of what he needs. And when and if you r out, you will pick them up. You may want to mention that running errands for him cannot be forever. You have kids that you need to do things for. Suggest he call his daughter.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I have to disagree. His family is not obligated to 'step up'. (and there may be a reason why they aren't around) By all means let them know about his situation. Next time he calls tell him you are unable to help and maybe he should call a family member. If you still want to help him set firm boundaries....you are available 2-3 hours a week to run errands or help him handle something. Help him self up meals on wheels and other services. If he has the funds offer to order groceries on line for him. Figure out what you are willing to do for him and do only that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
TMacher86 Apr 2020
Those options are not available in our area. It's pretty much the middle of nowhere.
(0)
Report
You are going to have to be a 'jerk' and use that law to get his own family to step up.

You and your kids come first. Period. You are of no use when you're struggling and in ill health.

I would try to 'nicely approach' the family members, then if they balk (and i bet they do) you just go legal on them.

Doing too much for others often comes back to bite us, I have found. I'm still learning to pull back and let (make?) others take some of the responsibility that is theirs.

Wishing you the best.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
FloridaDD Apr 2020
It is very very rare for a state to use filial laws to get adult children to care for their parents.  In the situations I have seen, it involved transfers of asset to kids, insurance settlements etc.  Not just telling kids to step up.

I think OP needs to see a lawyer and may have to institute eviction process (may not be possible during era of Corona).  OP may want to look for appropriate senior housing and get the guy on a wait list
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter