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My mum pretty much lives with the dead and it’s really frustrating and difficult to cope with.


I’m ok with the occasional fib, but with Mum she is fixated on it and if I were to constantly lie, I myself would be living in an alternative and sad, grief-filled world. She talks of the dead all day long as if they are still here. These include my grandparents, 2 uncles and late brother. I guess it would be different if I didn’t personally know these people, like if I were a carer, I could just shrug it off at the end of the shift. But instead I end up in grief.


She insists she is conversing with them. Planning, talking etc. She even says I should have come with her (sounding disappointed in me). Today she had spoken to my brother and also had walked to see her father. Apparently I should have been there!!


I’m not coping with this. Coz it’s all grief and sad memories!!! I want to forget about them, particularly my brother. I want to heal and this is not allowing me to heal.


I’ve tried different techniques like fibbing if I can get of the hook quickly. I’ve also tried re-jogging her memory with photos but this is a lengthy several hour process and while she gets it in the end and for that day, the next day it’s back to square 1. I’ve also sometimes simply blurted they are DEAD DEAD and DEAD when I’ve finally snapped but even that doesn’t derail her and she keeps going. I’ve tried changing topic but somehow she manages to go turn it back around. I.e., if I distract her by saying,.. "oh look at that lovely bird outside, isn’t it nice and the weather is so beautiful today." She will say something along the lines of,.. "oh yes it is a lovely bird and day, actually grandpa was telling me about these birds today as well or you should have seen the birds over at your brother's place earlier today." See my dilemma?!


How do we not live in a ghost world 24/7? I’d be ok if I could just fib but she doesn’t drop it! She just moves through the ghosts on rotation.


Sometimes I admittedly wonder if the spirit world is already visiting her and if she finds comfort thinking she’s visited her dad, so be it. But unfortunately she doesn’t stop there, she involves me,... I get blasted for not having come with her for instance.


Im guessing this is a phase but boy these dementia stages are tough. I feel like I’m losing my own sanity.

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It is part of their transition to the next stage. I do believe that they actually have visits from others. While it is disturbing and saddening, it seems to be a way to move them to another phase. I just ask my mom questions about their visits and conversations. It doesn’t scare her. She seems to have enjoyed seeing them. I don’t let it get to me.
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What your mother is doing is part & parcel of dementia/Alz. Have you looked into Memory Care Assisted Living for her? Or Skilled Nursing if money is a problem, with Medicaid to fund it?

In the meantime, you just have to tell her therapeutic fibs about where the dead relatives are, and keep repeating yourself, as everyone has to do who agrees to care for a dementia sufferer at home. Maybe she IS conversing with these people as she approaches the end of her life; that happens too! My mother was talking out loud and giggling with someone while she lied on her deathbed, literally, so I have no doubt it was one of her deceased sisters she was visiting with, who was prepping for her arrival.

You either have to find a way to tune her out, or get her placed b/c chances are, this phase can last quite a while. My mother carried on about the dead relatives for at least a year before she passed; no matter how much I diverted her or told her where they were, etc, she would be back on the same topic repeatedly. They go back in time to their childhood, mentally, and look for the people who were part of their lives at that time. They can't understand WHERE they are and why they can't find them.

Maybe you'd be better off talking and reminiscing about your brother and others who have passed; perhaps therein lies the road TO healing for you. Remembering fun times you shared together may help you out of your grief rather than perpetuate it; have you tried it? You & mom laughing over some funny old stories may be beneficial for both of you. Just a thought.

In any event, look into getting care for her outside of the house, or caregivers to come into the house, to relieve YOU of this burden, so you can get some respite for yourself. Try daycare, which can be a good thing to get her socialized for several hours every day and may break the thought-loop she's in at home.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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Cappuccino42 Mar 2022
Thanks Lealonnie1,.. she is on a waiting list for couple places but there’s a shortage and I’m trying to fix the legal aspects before she goes into care. Im also waiting to hear back re day care, although it doesn’t go for whole day but more like a school day which makes it hard with me working full time. I guess parents with kids have to drop/pick up their kids every day but somehow I don’t know if the same understanding will be passed on to me and I actually don’t know how people do it when I think about it, hehe. I will keep trying the positive memories, I have tried a little
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watch black mirrors San junipero. Buy it from Amazon or get a month worth of Netflix.

A protagonist thumps on their Mazda Miata and feels the sand. This is all real, she says. And you the viewer feel it too. But. It is not, it is a figment of her mind. And this is where she lives now, believing she is 20 with all these relatives around.
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It's not uncommon for people with dementia to think of dead family members as being alive. She's in her own world, along with her beloved family who have passed away. Please don't get angy with her and accept that her world is not the same as yours. Keep your own boundaries and your own sense of reality, but don't impose them on your mother. Seek therapy for your own feelings of grief and anger, and to help you move on to a place where you can accept your mother for what she is and also be happy with your own life. I don't believe in lying, especially if it makes you feel bad. But there are ways to be understanding and loving without lying. Are you taking breaks from caregiving? Try to work in some time for yourself, where you do things that make you feel happy. Get connected with a local social worker and elder care groups that can tell you about local resources for seniors, so that you can get some help and breaks. All the best to you!
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Cappuccino42: Sadly, there is no helping your mother's faulty brain dysfunction as that is severely damaged. Focus on your own health as best you can under these difficult circumstances. Hugs and love sent.
Llamalover47 💛
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Your mom is ok with her reality. I am more concerned about your sustained grief. Please consider joining a grief group or talking with a counsellor to help you find peace.
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