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Our mother is in memory care, with latter mid-stage ALZ. Her ALZ is coupled with a serious psychological obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I think the holidays are going to spin our mother into a frenzy. There's not much, unfortunately we can do about that. Part of me wants to put a few Christmas things in her room. I know that her ALZ group home will decorate the common area. But all of this will exacerbate her suffering and confusion and will make our visits with her for the rest of this year almost intolerable. Other than my sister and me, there is no other family in town. Also, In our opinion, we cannot take her out of her group home for Thanksgiving or Christmas because we're very concerned she'll refuse to go back and will physically fight us. Mom rarely comes out of her room into the common areas because she can't stand the sight of the "old sick people." There are only four residents at her group home. So eating dinner at the home with her isn't an option. I just don't know how to handle it, since this will be our first Christmas in this situation. It seems terribly wrong not to be with her at all, so that's not an option. Guess I could use some comfort and guidance from this forum.

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I have the exact same scenario. It's our first year with my mom in memory care, and I feel like the worst daughter for not bringing her home with me for Thanksgiving, particularly because last Thanksgiving was almost non-existent. (My dad died the day before -- a year ago tomorrow.)

The nurse at her place advised me not to bring her home because just as you fear, she'd likely get very upset when I'd bring her back. We're going to see her on the day, but she'll be staying there.

The fact is that with a loved one who suffers from Alzheimer's or dementia the rules of "normal" no longer apply. We love my mom in place and try not to upset her routines because consistency is the best for her.

I'll be battling the guilt as will you, but try to keep in mind that consistency is best for her.
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Since my mom had no sense of time I wished we could cancel holidays altogether when she was in the nursing home but of course the facility made a fuss and that was impossible. I would play things as low key as possible and not decorate, to me that is just a constant reminder of what isn't part of her life any longer. Bring her a few goodies from your holiday meal, maybe arrange to reheat and share a meal with her in her room - it doesn't have to be squeezed into an already busy day but at your convenience.
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