My mom lovingly and diligently cared for my ailing dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's, and she retired to care for him. She was an amazing caregiver.
She has been a window for about a year now, and can't find her purpose. She lives alone and is reluctant to move closer to me or my sibling.
Fortunately, she is relatively healthy and tries to take care of herself physically (through diet and exercise). She is still able to manage her house, finances, etc. So that gives her a little to do.
Her social/emotional health is poor though. She is lonely and bored. :(
She is reluctant to search for activities and volunteer opportunities. I am about 2 hours away, and when she stays with me, I find things for her to do. She is a good sport in trying things but has a hard time making social connections.
She lost conversation skills caring for my declining dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's dementia and was unable to provide social companionship.
She is part of a small cultural community but has no close friends. She may get an invitation every 6-8 weeks.
I don't know how to help her. She rejects all advice.
I am glad that she is 2 hours away so she doesn't become dependent on you. I think it's best for both of you
Sence she likes exercising, and lives in a small community, I would try to talk her into small steps. I'm thinking a walk around a block or two, and just say hi to people she sees, and maybe get her to start a little small talk.
Also I'm thinking get her to go to her local convenience store once a day for a coffee, and smile to people she sees. To get her out just around people.
Best of luck
You are right. I, too, feel that she would become dependent if she lived a few minutes away.
Volunteer work in a local hospital with babies or young children is also a good idea. She can read to the kids, or even be a companion to elders in nursing homes. Giving back is a good way to regain ones purpose in life pretty fast.
If she rejects reading the book and volunteer work, you tried, let her alone to find her own way.
My condolences on the loss of your dad,
Volunteering in the hospital is a good idea. I will encourage her to look into it.
If months and months go by, and if she still hasn't found her own way to activities that give her pleasure.... if you believe that she's suffering, you might gently urge her to see her PCP about meds for depression, and/or possibly short term talk therapy with a skilled PhD psychologist.
Consider whether your urgent need to find fast fixes for your mother might possibly be more about your issues than your moms (?) You're grieving, too - you've lost your father and that takes a very long time to process. It can trigger lots of anxieties about ageing and the future.
And your mom might never feel much happier despite all the advances in health that are happening. The sad reality for most elderly (including myself) is that life is more like a Dickens novel than Anne of Green Gables.
Hope things improve for you and your family. Best wishes!
She's going to have to figure that out on her own. And she will in time, so just be patient.
Your dads only been gone for a year. That is not nearly enough time for her to adjust to her new life and grieve on top of that. So cut her some slack.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and he's been dead going on 4 years now, and I am just now figuring out what I want my new life to look like. It doesn't happen overnight as you may think it does.
So give your mom some breathing room and allow her the necessary time to grieve the man she loved and lost, and don't worry, she will in time get things figured out.
Plus I wanted to be able to come and go as I pleased, and when you have any pets you always have to make sure they're taken care of by someone if not you.
So again I say...NO thanks!
However I do understand for those people unlike me that don't like to leave their homes much and aren't very social, that a dog or cat may be just what the doctor ordered.
A “search for activities” when she visits you won’t help, if she is like me. Could you focus on what she can do close to where she lives? Go with her, to check it out. Give her an incentive to try, and say it’s not for her sake, it’s to help YOU and stop you worrying about her. Please, M.
Thank you.
Don’t not encourage her to move near you or she’ll likely expect you to entertain her and be her sole social outlet.
That is to say, has your mother EXPRESSED to you that she WANTS connections, but cannot make them? Or are you making that up.
To be honest, I am 82. My partner is 84. We really spend most of our time alone, fostering our little dog, gardening, banging our "this old house" together, seeing our kids (now in 60s and 70s. We daily both take walks together or apart.
Were I to lose him I would be mostly alone. I am CONTENT alone. VERY.
If your mom is looking for ideas, I would suggest senior centers, the library and its programs, learning to knit, doing collage, looking for groups online next door or Facebook, and etc. It isn't up to you to manage her life or her happiness, and you shouldn't enable to by taking that on. She may actually be telling you she wants to move in with YOU and if you are suspecting that time for an honest talk about how likely that is or is not.
probably attend a couple things/events with your mother would help. But if she’s not comfortable with anything then to accept your mother doesn’t want to socialise outside the family unit
Just know she is not going to be busy 7 days a week and that is ok. One or two events a week are enough.
I second your great suggestion. .
I have a cousin in her early 60s who took her parents to the senior center every day for lunch. Now they have both passed and she still goes to the senior center every day to play games, have lunch and connect with others, both caregivers and the ones they bring to lunch. She went through (and is still going through) tough times but this is an underutilized resource in many communities. she lives in a rural area. And travels a few miles to a town of about 6,000.
When her mom was about midway in her Parkinson’s/LBD, she took mom riding shotgun to deliver frozen meals on wheels to the shut ins throughout the area.
Now, I am in your mother’s situation, although much older. My husband suffered for 8-9 years from Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s. It was an horrific ordeal for him. He passed away 2 months ago today. We had been married 59 years and 2 months to the day.
I am searching for my way after all those years as a caretaker. My daughter tries to help, despite her grieving. She, too, is about 2 hrs away.
This is the first time I’m alone I over 84 years. Had lived w my parents till we married, then with the live of my life till last June. Now what?
My heart, my body, my soul need to grieve. Walking the community helps…going to daily Mass helps. Being with people…not so much unless I decide it’s a day my heart can do it. Otherwise, I prefer to be alone.
Right now, am reaching out for grief counseling through my church and through Tidewell Hospice. Have yet to make the calls…not quite ready.
Talk to mom and be gentle, just don’t push her. Her heart is broken. She’s lost, if like me. Keep a loving eye on her as you’re doing. That means so much. I wish you and her a smooth journey through this fog of grief. My prayers are with you both.
I am sorry for your loss. Big Hugs
I'm not as active since all of this has happened. However, I am driving more than ever. At one point, I was just doing Instacart for groceries and sitting alone on weekends at home. Four years took a toll on everybody during this entire pandemic. People here didn't want to go back work and wanted to continue to telecommute work. Now, we have a bunch of office buildings that will probably be turned apartments or seniors buildings.
As long as you mom is doing okay and managing on her own, I wouldn't be too worried. My friend is eighty-five and still swims, travels, and does housework. She took her vacation in Ocean City back in July and spent time with family. She has a timeshare there. Loss of independence is a fear that keeps us older folks motivated and plugging away at life. We may not do it as quickly as we did before or need to sit down more because of sore knees and back pain, but we are getting things done.
Social connections can be tricky. Eventually, your mom will find her group. Pottery, craft, sewing and cooking classes work well. I think it's all about finding an interest and people you can connect with.
I had joined a Zoom Grief Support group located in DC but it did little for me. I didn't meld well with the facilitators of the group.
My only regular social contact is through work, but I'm not religious, so attending church for company would be hypocritical.
I'd imagine if the OP's mother was religious, she would already have a church 'family".
Any type of activity is good because your main goal is the activity and socialising is just a secondary thing that can happen gradually.
Going to the local leisure centre for the gym, yoga, Tai Chi or swimming classes could be a good way to get out, be healthy, and possibly meet others.
Anything that happens every week, so that your mum is getting out and about, and her chances of widening her circle of friends is increased.
There might be social meet-up groups for retirees in your mum's area - they often advertise through Facebook or, perhaps, local papers.
Perhaps, your mum could reconnect with a hobby or passion she hasn't been able to give any time to, until now.
I hope that your mum finds her spark again.
The other day I passed a poster asking for people to join a choir to put on a show to raise money for the Alzheimer's Society. The choir will start meeting up in September.
My mum is currently receiving palliative care and I'm being strong now, but know it won't last. I'm thinking of signing up because it will get me out and I'll meet up with others who know how hard it is to lose someone to dementia. Singing will be good for my heart and it will connect me to Mum.
What I'm trying to say is that there are often opportunities out there if you open yourself up to them. However, it can be hard and, sometimes, we need a little help (or even a bit of a push!) and a reminder.
I actually volunteer visiting a homebound senior a few times a month.
My mom lives in an area where there are fewer of these services. Plus, she is not homebound, so she may not be eligible.
1. Take her for tours of some 65 and up communities. There are apts, cooperatives, and villages. Tell her you want her to know what is available to her that would give her more social interaction because that is necessary for good health and you are concerned. It can be a fun outing. Don't do more than one in a day and then go out to lunch and back home to rest. Moving anywhere may be a big emotional strain so who her how you can make it easier for her.
2. Where she is, she is drenched in habits that centered around your dad. She may not be able to recognize those behaviors - like not going to church or not inviting someone to lunch or she may just be so tired that doing anything is overwhelming. You have to show her how to take the next steps. You might be able to enlist an old friend to help. To reconnect can be difficult in too small of a community.
3. Slowly reintroduce her to things she used to enjoy. A small flower garden in or outdoors, sewing, bird watching and feeding, playing a musical instrument, joining a choir, a bible study, book club, using the library, painting, walking, (you may have to look hard for groups or call someone from the local library - even if in another town- to come there and offer to lead a group. Libraries have more than books to share...they have all kinds of interests. May be this is a good time to go through some photographs, boxes of stuff, clear out a closet. Think about what your mother used to enjoy and what she CAN do now. Start from there. Dont do too much for her, she has to be ready to step out on her own.
I appreciate the suggestion about the library and have encouraged her to look into it. She needs a buddy, and I'm too far to be her buddy.
When she visits me, I plan different things in my area that she enjoys. However, she can't muster up the initiative to do the same in her hometown.
Just another dimension to add to the many thoughtful ideas already shared on AC- after being a caregiver to your father for all those years, is it possible your mom is afraid she’ll become a burden to you or your siblings? First I agree with others that she should consult her doctor to discern depression versus “normal grief “. Also a grief support group could help. When the time is right, you might benefit from having frank conversations with her. What are her hopes and fears ? Reassure her that the more help that she accepts now, whether it be from family, or a community retirement home, the longer she will remain independent. Don’t be afraid to speak up if it’s easier for you or your sibs to help if she were to move closer! IF this is TRUE , say “Mom please consider moving closer and moving in to a senior living home for ME, this would help ME so much”. You might find it helpful to have a third party facilitate the conversation. Some regions offer a free service that helps seniors find a suitable living situation (often they get a kick back from a retirement home if a new resident signs a lease, etc). For my in-laws we had a phenomenal woman from “Alliance for Senior Housing” who really connected with our parents and discussed some hard to talk about topics like aging in place and staying social, their fears and hopes, etc. Our parents seemed more receptive to this discussion from her than from their own 4 kids and their spouses. Eventually they moved in to an “independent living community “ that offered progressive levels of care when needed. My MIL surprised us all with a resurgence of her social skills - even made FIL go watch TV in the community room so she could have her new friends over to play cards LOL : )
For myself, I find that getting outside, even just a daily walk, is important. A pet is a great motivator as well as companionship. I volunteer at local organizations which gets me out of the house even when inertia gets in my way. And my peers understand what goes on in our stage of life.
based on my own experience with my mom, who lived until 96, I would not indulge complaining. It's a bad habit and self-defeating for both of you.
She is okay getting imput but is passive about making decisions regarding her own life. She always put my dad first. She's lost as to her next steps.
She's thankfully not a complainer.
She's never been one to have loads of friends. I was just hopeful she would make one friend.
In my mom's case, she moved 1 1/2 hour away from me when I moved to Florida. She moved from Illinois after my Gram had passed with Mom as her caregiver for 7 years. I told her that she would need to get involved with a loving group of church people and make friends with her neighbors - since they would be her first "responders" for help because of the distance. I made the effort to attend churches with her for a couple months until she found one she was comfortable with. She joined an older women's Bible study and has dear friends in this group now. She is friends with some lady neighbors and can call on their husbands for "fix-it" help when my hubby and I are not available. I do make it a priority to visit her weekly to make sure she is safe, healthy, and doing alright. It gives her a chance to plan fun things for us to do together.