My mom lovingly and diligently cared for my ailing dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's, and she retired to care for him. She was an amazing caregiver.
She has been a window for about a year now, and can't find her purpose. She lives alone and is reluctant to move closer to me or my sibling.
Fortunately, she is relatively healthy and tries to take care of herself physically (through diet and exercise). She is still able to manage her house, finances, etc. So that gives her a little to do.
Her social/emotional health is poor though. She is lonely and bored. :(
She is reluctant to search for activities and volunteer opportunities. I am about 2 hours away, and when she stays with me, I find things for her to do. She is a good sport in trying things but has a hard time making social connections.
She lost conversation skills caring for my declining dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's dementia and was unable to provide social companionship.
She is part of a small cultural community but has no close friends. She may get an invitation every 6-8 weeks.
I don't know how to help her. She rejects all advice.
Have you found any evidence of phishing going on on in this site, Kam. I would be so interested in knowing.
I had four yeas to think about what my life might look like after my husband died. I read books about it. I searched the internet looking for stories similar to mine. How did they do it? How do you come out the other side whole? One thing that has helped immensely is the Alzheimer's Support Group. The one I attend is comprised of 20 to 25 people who are either currently caregivers, widows or widowers of dementia spouses (or relatives) or those people who are serving to provide emotional support of a caregiver. Every three weeks we meet. A room full of people, close to my age, all sharing common stories, their coping mechanisms...and looking for answers. Besides all the amazing information and support I receive...and the immeasurable amount of unconditional acceptance, I have found a new circle of people in my life. Not immediate and great friends, but people who have reached out to me to offer a road map to rebuilding, helping me to get out of my comfort zone.
It is very much an effort. After my husband's death, I started keeping a journal. Whenever I see a news story or read an article, or hear people relating an experience that sounds interesting, I write it down.
I reread my entries. Does it still interest me? Then I browse the Internet again...are there stories 'out there' of others who have tried these things...on their own? As part of a group? How did they go about making sure they will be safe? Researching as much as possible until I am informed enough to think I might try something similar.
But, it all comes down to knowing what you want. I am fortunate in so many ways. I have learned that when I step out of my comfort zone, I am always rewarded with learning more about myself. I have learned that the happiest people have come to know that asking for help, or taking a chance to reach out to someone -even at the risk of being turned down - gets a bit easier each time you do it. I learned that, God willing, I could live another 15 or more years. Will I be happy (content even) continuing to live as I am?
Change is made from within. But kudos to you for recognizing your mom's place in time and wanting to encourage her. I hope, when she is ready to hear you, that it will touch her enough to begin the next part of her journey...whatever it may look like. Best wishes to you both.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I think it is very important that we think about life past caregiving. Some feel guilty or disloyal, yet most of us made arrangements for spouses if something happens to us, caregivers.
How about joining this forum and help others?
After my folks had passed, I wanted to know more about long ago relatives so I dove into Ancestry..com and newspaper.com plus newspaperarchive.com. and have been doing family trees for over 6 years now. It keeps me so busy. I love it. I have found history on in-laws and outlaws in my family. Scientists and bootleggers :) Everything goes into binders, along with original photos, that I have passed onto younger cousins who childrens are interested in their past relatives.
Your Mom needs to mourn and it is very personal journey.
Yet, as I mentioned before having husband with PD I maybe a year is enough.
We owe to ourselves to live the best possible life past caregiving.
What I notice after 10 or more years of which last 4 become worse, losing dopamine effects not just my husband but me as well. It is easier not to do anything. Or fall into routine and not doing much. I am not taking about socializing only.
But I know if my caregiving ends I would have to do opposite. I would probably go and live in another country for a few months each year, south of France or little town in Italy, Amalfi coast. Maybe I write or paint.
I can tell you one thing I do have lots of interests yet lately I neglected them all, like learning Spanish.
So your post is important reminder for those who deal with prolong, progressive disease of how we need not to neglect ourselves.