My mother-in-law moved in with us close to 10 years ago. She appeared to be in severe health decline and could no longer care for herself. She told us everything that was wrong with her, multiple heart attacks & end stage copd. She told us her doctor said she had less than a year to live. My father-in-law (they divorced decades ago) laughed at us and told us she was pulling one over on us. We didn't believe him, because who in her right mind would do something like that?
Needless to say, one week after she moved in she had a miraculous recovery and only needed her O2 occasionally. And turns out never had a heart attack.
I have been seeing a therapist to help me come to terms with all of the things she does.
She is just not a good person. My husband already knew she wasn't a good person, which is why she had to agree to two major terms before moving in with us. 1-she will NEVER become our dependent & 2-she is not allowed to break any laws while under our roof.
There are so many little situations that come up now that I do not know how to handle.
Her COPD has worsened now that she actually needs to be hooked up 24/7.
Back when she first moved in with us, within the first year, she wanted me to start bathing her. I didn't and she has managed to wash herself for the last 7 years. She is a pathological liar, so how am I going to know if/when she actually starts needing help.
She also tried telling us that we would need to provide all her food because she didn't have enough money. She says this with a straight face as she buys things online and through HSN. We told her NO!, and she suddenly found the money to pay for her own food.
She also tried to tell us that she couldn't afford to pay for her own medicare because she only gets about $1700/mo from social security. That is what she brings home after paying for her insurance.
I am running out of compassion and patience. She has decided to start hoarding trash until someone notices it and takes it out for her. She is perfectly capable of taking it out herself, just puts on a pity-me face and claims she cannot manage. If I had not seen her put on the pity-me show many times, I wouldn't believe it.
How am I ever going to know if she ever gets to the point that she actually needs help?
We are considering setting some new limits with her. Letting her know that if she ever gets to the point that she no longer cares for herself then she'd have to move into a nursing home. I feel like such a horrible person, but my therapist says it is ok to set that limit.
I come from a long line of strong, independent women. And she is so willing to be completely dependent on us that I just cannot understand why she does the things she does.
I feel like she has broken me. The therapist is helping with that though.
Your husband needs to call the Area Agency on Aging and get a needs assessment so you know whether she needs AL or NH care. You need to apply for Medicaid and you need to get her admitted to the hospital and the first possible sign of an emergency related to COPD or a fall.
Get her out of your home.
What is this lady doing in your house? It seems that neither of you has a satisfactory answer to that question, and yet - there she is. Making YOU think you're a "horrible person" because you think that if it gets any *worse* you might have to put your foot down.
Some new limits?
New?
Where are the old ones?
Are you listening to your father in law yet?
I would love to hear your husband's three good reasons for letting this situation continue. You realise this is actually for him to address, yes?
What Barb mentioned is if she is ever hospitalized and goes to rehab, this is when u get her evaluated for LTC. Where I live, they are in the same building so easy transition. If found she fits the criteria for LTC, then start the Medicaid application. If just hospitalized, you could refuse to let them discharge you to your home. Asking for an eval then.
You absolutely deserve to have your independence back. I promise you that you won’t regret having her out of your home.
This is a job that you regret. You regret it daily. It isn’t an off day. Off days are normal. We all have them. This whole situation is off!
If you had a crappy job that you hated, would you stay? I sincerely doubt it. You have already affirmed that you are a strong independent woman.
You got stuck in an unfortunate situation. It happens. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Turn it around. This is a one way dead end. You deserve to be back on a two way street again. You feel trapped and due to the circumstances you aren’t seeing things clearly.
I realize that you had the best of intentions to take on this challenge but it isn’t your responsibility. Many of us had our own challenges and felt trapped in caregiving. It takes some planning to reverse the situation but it can be done. I did it and so can you.
Best wishes to you and your family 💗.
See All Answers