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I have yet to get more help. So now I've asked my mom to look into places for grandma to go. Recently I messed up, and wasn't responsible enough to show up on time for her one day and my family was forced to step in for a few hours. But I've been feeling like I’m spiraling for weeks now. Because there's little to no help, I wake up early and have no idea when my day will end and get my own time. The friend we hired can only be available a few hours Tues-Thurs and we can barely afford to compensate her. But if I didn't have her help I would not have lasted this long. My family can’t give me a day off where I feel she’s really being cared for, I didn't get enough IHSS hours from the county to pay/add another person. And even if I did she would still resent me leaving her with someone else. I do like helping her and some days feel really productive. But the not productive days, or days when I feel depressed I can feel the doom and dread start setting in. It's still going to be a process so I'll be here with her until we get the details figured out. I'm not sure if my family remembers me agreeing to this temporarily, pending more assistance. It's hard to decide when I have to just stop. How do I cope with this feeling of guilt? Am I just giving up? I have many other questions but this is my main problem right now.

Sometimes in life, giving up IS the right decision! It was never your burden to bear to begin with, and whether your family remembers you agreed to care for grandma temporarily or not, now is the time to give your 2 weeks notice. Your family will take advantage of you until you're totally broken down before THEY "do the right thing", yet here you are worried you're letting THEM down. You're one person, and one person cannot manage grandma's needs. Please realize that and force your family to place her by quitting. You can then visit her as much as you'd like.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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waytomisery Sep 27, 2024
ChelsC,

Listen to lealonnie . Nothing will change unless you stop helping . Do not let family talk you into “ waiting until a replacement is found “.
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This is effecting you mentally , that’s when it is enough . This is your mother’s problem and any siblings she has to figure out how to get grandma care . I know you tried to keep grandma home , but unless someone is going to replace you , grandma will need to be placed in a facility , SNF based on the description of grandmas needs on your profile.

You give no more than one month notice to your mother that , you can “ no longer provide the level of care that grandma needs “. Your mother will need to find another option .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Chel's first message to us in this link:
I'm trying my best. Mostly. - AgingCare.com.
Sorry my copy paste didn't work but the magnifying glass above will get it coughed up.

ChelsC,
I will add to what I said before to you that guilt isn't appropriate to your situation. The normal aging process takes us into aging and death, and our children and our grandchildren stand witness to our losses. I am 82, and I know this. It would break my heart to think that EITHER my children or my grandchildren thought they were in any way responsible for my care, for caregiving me until my death, or for giving up their own lives to my care. To expect our children and grandchildren to sacrifice their own lives on our funeral pyres is, imho, wrong; today as long as they keep us alive, 100 isn't even unusual; it's a slow burn!
Guilt requires causation. And it requires that the guilty party could easily change things but refuses. That isn't you.
You have made yourself responsible to something that honestly isn't you job or responsibility. And in some ways, at 28, you have become almost agoraphobic I think in your staying in to do caregiving instead of heading out into the deep dark woods of the world to do what the 20s are FOR--getting experiences, learning lessons, getting an education and a job, preparing to take on building your own life and your own family.

I think given that you are having such a hard time with this you should perhaps see a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice or a Licensed Psychologist (none of that online nonsense; those "shrinks are paid about 40.00 an hour and overpaid at that).

If anyone is in charge/should be in charge of getting grandmother set up with the best help she can afford with her assets, it would be her own children I would think. Not her grandchildren. I understand you have chosen to take this on................and you at 28 are fully an adult, responsible for your own choices, but I hope you will consider some of the advice you got on your other post to us, and some you will get here.

Thinking of you and wishing the best. Remember, you didn't create these problems; you can't fix them. You aren't God and all his Saints, and that's a tough job description anyway.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Thank you all for your support, I've really been struggling with this decision but I have decided and my mom and I will be working on all the details to get grandma set up somewhere. hoping for the best. getting her a place is the next challenge.
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Reply to ChelsC
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You definitely sound burnout, see a liscensed social worker. Also does your family have P.O.As if so the responsibility would fall to them. Best of luck and I'm sure your patient appreciates the help.
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