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She is still using catheter and having BM in diaper. She is very alert and has all of her mental capacity, though she's not very happy where she is. Prior to this she had been living with us only since June and was independent in all ADL's besides help with meal preparation, medication and showering. I don't know if I can handle having to do so much for her. The doctor says she is ready to come home even with catheter. Also, how do I find help when I want to go out for a while?

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Rudis21: I am glad to read your update wherein you stated that you have located the Board and Care home. Best wishes with that.
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Wow I have never heard such awful self centered advice! A burden at 101! So she wears diapers so what. She changed yours...You should definitely not bring her back to your home she deserves better.
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SnoopyLove Feb 2022
What a cruel thing to say.
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There is NOTHING more gratifying the caring for your Mother in her final years. I spent 2 1/2 years caring for mine. As she made sacrifices to raise me, I too made sacrifices to care for her. You will probably find that she will qualify for in home care due to her cath and need for assistance. Also that allows you some respite time. You will be glad you took this opportunity to give back. You are blessed to still have her at this age. Count your blessings and enjoy the time you have with her. I would love one more cup of coffee with mine....
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Call other nearby facilities (award winning) so that you can visit. Look for places that have lots of activities. Unless the doctor wants to bring her to his home, his office should be helping you with a list of resources.
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Triedsohard Feb 2022
I disagree. Being home is the best thing for her. That's what she knows. If you are able to avoid a facility do so. Lots of home health aides out there to help.
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At 101 with diapers you want to bring her home. What on earth is wrong with you and why would you even consider this? You have enough on your plate and it is time for you to look after yourself and your own health and welfare. Don't take on this burden which will harm you. For heaven's sakes, leave her where she is or your life will be gone forever while she is still here......don't do it.
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Triedsohard Feb 2022
How hateful! Caring for my Mother was one of the most fulfilling times of my life! You don't just dump your Momma cause she is 101 and wears diapers. You wore diapers too once. What a selfish reply.
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Good luck to you! You done the right thing!
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Thanks all! We have found a Board and Care Home. I hope and pray all works out and mom can move by the end of the week. Your responses helped me to
decide that I can't take care of her by myself. I did go to the convalescent home on Friday and watch them get her changed, dressed and up in chair. I
suggest others do the same.
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SnoopyLove Feb 2022
Thanks so much for updating us! Best wishes to you and your mom for a smooth transition. 😊
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Look around Mom's convelescent room, the equipment she needs. Then look at the tasks the staff do. Look at the time required to assist.

Compare to your home & current life.

Can you fit the type of equipment she needs? Are steps? Is the bathroom assessable?

Some nursing tasks may be done by community nursing visits, like changing a catheter bag or any wound dressing changes. Aides can visit 2-3 times a week for bathing assist.

But tasks like assisting with all mobilisation (for walking, transfers to chair/bed) giving medicine (inc insulin), continence care (emptying urine catheter bag, changing continence pads & hygiene in this area) will need to be done multi times daily.

Who will do those daily tasks?

You can be trained for these tasks or maybe you have experience already in this area. But even if you are a trained RN, it doesn't always follow you want to do this for family.

Or that you have the time required. All those tasks take MUCH time. Would saying yes to being a 24/7 carer mean saying no to working, looking after children/grandchildren, other commitments?

You may decide this very personal level of care is not for you. Or that it could not work timewise. Or too many stairs etc.

It is not for me to influence you. Just pointing out issues I can think of.

If you can't - you can't. And that's ok.
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Rudis21 Feb 2022
Thank you for your feedback! I went to her facility today and saw how much care she needs. And decided I don't think I can do it. We are checking out a Board and Care home tomorrow.
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From what I have read in your responses to the answers on your post, you already know the answer, that you should not or cannot bring mom back into your home, as it is just too much for you at this point in your life. Your mom has had her life and there's no reason for you to have to give up yours to care for her.
So talk to the social worker at the rehab facility and tell them that they will have to find placement for her as she can't return to your home.
I believe that if your mom understood the scope of what her care now requires that she would NEVER want to put that on you, so it's now time to do what's not only best for mom, but for you as well.
God bless you.
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Did you lose your appeal to keep her longer in rehab?

How did your mother come to live with you last June? Do you have siblings?

If you don't know if you can handle having to do so much for her, then you probably can't.

What is her financial situation?

Now's the chance to say you cannot handle her care at home. And remember, any help the rehab center promises isn't going to happen. Placement back to your home "temporarily" means permanently.

NOW is your best chance to get her into a facility. Insist that releasing her to your home would be an unsafe discharge, as you are not capable of caring for her.

When my mother was hospitalized for a gallbladder infection for 17 days, they tried to make me learn how to take care of the gallbladder drain (they wouldn't remove her gallbladder because of her age and frailty). They would say things to me like you need to learn in case your mother calls you up in the middle of the night (? She wasn't going to be living "independently" again!). Then they tried to get me to learn how to strap it to her leg. My mother went downhill mentally permanently during her hospitalization, and she never made it back to her condo. (ended up in rehab which became her LTC placement).

I think they will really be pushing for you to take her home (and she has probably been telling them that you will take care of her), because that is where she was living. You will have to stand strong and say NO.
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Rudis21 Feb 2022
She came here after another fall, which we don't know how long she was down before neighbor found her. My brother and I decided she should not be alone. She stayed with him and his wife for 6 weeks before coming here.

She has the money for now though it's $300 per day for just room and board. I discontinued therapies two weeks ago because of cost and their recommendation that she was probably not going to get much better.

Mom is understanding that it would be a lot of work for me. It is difficult because I can't see her due to Covid lockdowns. She would enjoy activities there but that's not happening also because of Covid.
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So, your mom is in rehab, getting therapy after a broken hip.

She had moved in with you 8 months ago, presumably because she could no longer live alone.

Now is a good time to make a decision about where she will live, going forward. The fact that rehab says it's time for discharge does not mean "it's time for her to come back to your house".

You need to talk to the discharge planning folks at rehab about what her care needs are and what her resources are. You need to find out if Assisted Living facilities can handle her care, and if she can afford one.
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Rudis21 Feb 2022
I've spoken to a few places and they can't either do care with catheter or diabetes. Using insulin for the first time in her life. Had managed diabetes with medication for over 35 years! She also has macular degeneration. As of now she needs help getting out of bed and guidance when walking with a walker.
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If you do not know if you can handle it, then you probably cannot handle it. Doubt is often the truth but we are afraid of admitting to it. It is not weakness to know your own limits, but it is foolish to try and overcome those limits without fully understanding your own capabilities first.

I do not think you should take her home personally.
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Rudis21 Feb 2022
Thank you for your honesty! More to ponder!
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Caregiving has to work for both parties. It is OK not to want to give up having your own life.

I think you need to investigate all the options that might be available.

Also, I think you should be clear on what catheter care, hygiene, etc. would look like in the home. (And from someone who actually does it, not relying on some above-it-all doctor who is never changing diapers, etc. him or herself). Can you realistically do it day after day, or find reliable people in your area who would show up to do it?

Not to be a naysayer but caregiving is hard and there is a physical and emotional toll.
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Rudis21 Feb 2022
Thank you for your perspectives also. The two extremes is what makes this decision so difficult!
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Thank you for your perspective! I will think on it in making my decision.
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I'm only 63! I have a full life with church activities and watch 3 year old twin grandkids 2-3 days a week. I'm just not sure how much of my life I want to give up. After working in a convalescent home while in college I told myself I would never have her stay in one but now the alternative is taking care of her myself. She broke her hip on Thanksgiving day and had surgery the next day. Been there doing therapy but they say she won't get much better - needs help with transfers and only walking 15-30 feet.
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