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My mom has dementia and me and my husband built her a house next to ours 1.5 years ago. I have decided to put her in a small group home Friday but my emotions are getting the best of me. We both work and she’s coming to my house 15 times a day wanting dog food for her dogs that I feed everyday. She can’t hold conversations anymore and has started seeing kids in her house and I’m worried she might wander off. How do I tell her when I take her that she will be living there? I’m afraid she’ll start crying and I’ll cave. I’ve been her sole caregiver all this time but I’m mentally exhausted.

You tell her she has to stay there because you have to bomb her house for fleas or a pipe broke or any other fib you think will work . Time will pass and she may ask to go home and you just tell her the doctor said she needs to stay there.

I know it’s hard, but we send crying kids to school too and we don’t cave in.

Now Moms needs are the focus not her wants
Good Luck
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Reply to waytomisery
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A couple of things:
1) You don’t ‘tell her she’ll be living there’. You say that she will be staying for a couple of weeks while work is done on her house. Decide what the ‘work’ is, and talk it up in advance.
2) Accept now that you are going to get tears, unless M is the unusual sort who never cries (like my own M). She’ll cry because she can’t come and ask for dog food – or any other reason.
3) Work out a plan for tears and stick to it. A common one is “I’ll come back again when you are less upset” and walk out. If you have to cry yourself, do it as you walk to the car, not where she can see. This method even leads to fewer tears, once it’s clear that’s what will happen.
4) Put something familiar in her room. You can’t furnish it with her things, like you can in Assisted Living, but perhaps a medium sized picture, even a favorite dress hanging up on a wall. Something that says ‘it’s my place’. Display it in her bedroom now, then transfer it.
5) Know that you will be exhausted and upset by all of this. Arrange a couple of days off work, an interesting outing, and a good night’s sleep to help you get over it.

Good luck!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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cover9339 Aug 14, 2024
#4, all well and good, what if she is sharing a room? These rooms can be (and probably are) smaller than ones in a NH or AL.
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Agreed, they'll probably be tears. She is going to a group home, that is enough to make anyone feel upset.

Hopefully this is a decent one.
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LoopyLoo Aug 14, 2024
Is it not obvious that this person loves their mother so much that she wants her to get the help she needs?

Cover, I don’t think you’re a bad person. You may mean well in your own way. I am sorry you aren’t happy with your circumstances. I truly hope you feel better or have a better environment in the future.
I am sorry if people who were supposed to help you just let you down.

Throwing guilt and shame at someone who is already having a hard time is the wrong way to go about things.
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Sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it's horrible, but it has to be done, something bad could happen.

Margarets post says it all.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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You fake it with lots of praise for the place, laughter and good cheer. Then you get in your car and bawl your eyes out.

Placing a parent is one of the hardest things we will ever face. You will need time to adjust to the new normal as much as mom will, find ways to make happier memories and do things that enrich her life and yours. I found this to help the transition. I also found homemade treats were a great way to get all the residents around a table for introductions and chatting, this will help mom feel less amongst strangers.

This is something worth crying over, just don't do it together, she will latch on to your tears and it will be harder then it has to be.

Great big warm hug! It will be okay.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I agree with telling her a therapeutic fib about what the place is, why she's going there and how long she'll be there (I would opt for "a little while" or "couple of days" rather than weeks).

Before you make this transition, has she had a physical by her primary doctor to rule out a UTI?

Are you her PoA? If so, is your authority triggered by her getting a medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment from her doctor?

If you are her PoA this should happen.

Also, if she is having any other mental symptoms (like anxiety, agitation, paranoia, depression) you should talk to her doctor about meds to address this before she goes to the group home.

May you receive peace in your heart as she transitions.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Heather16 Aug 14, 2024
Yes I am her POA and the Dr said it’s dementia just can’t get in to a neurologist for months for the diagnosis. She has recently started seeing kids on her bed laughing and playing and she every once in awhile says there was a man in her living room. I do know this is best for her but damn it hurts my heart.
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Me, I had to harden myself. It was me and only me that made the decisions. I told Mom she was going to have her own apt and meet new people. She excepted that and adjusted very well. Like a small child we took her to her room, stayed a very short time and then let the staff take over.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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She may start crying.
You cannot cave.
Why would you think she cannot express her sadness? Is this not worth mourning? You are the one now in charge and MUST be strong for her. Accept her grief. Comfort her. Tell her you are sorry. Allow her to grieve what any normal human being on this earth WOULD grieve.

You cannot make happiness a fact. You are not omnipotent. You are not responsible for what has happened. None of this is your fault. And you cannot cure it. You CAN, however, join in the sadness and grief, and accept it is worth the tears, both hers and yours.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You have to look at this as finding a safe place for your mom to live rather than 'leaving her someplace". You can't care for her safely at home.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Cry if you need to - this isn't going to be easy - but it's the right thing to do for Mom! She needs 24/7 supervision, unless you can stay home with her or get a sitter for her while you're gone ?? My Best Wishes to you All. Take care.
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Reply to Mamacrow
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This is going to be a tough transition. Probably more difficult for you than her.
The facility/group home is used to helping residents through the very difficult first few weeks.
If you have to tell mom something tell her that you noticed a leak in the roof and that the roof needs to be replaced and any mold has to be dealt with. What the work is going on she will stay at this home with these lovely people.
the work may take a L O N G time.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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