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She has been living with me for 3 weeks and she has advanced dementia, she also has high blood pressure which is what landed her in hospital in the first place. I took a leave from my job so she could stay with my family till we found long term care, but the dr said it would be better to leave her in hospital because it was too hard on me, which it is, because she wanders at night and doesn't know who I am! Now im heading back to work soon and I am so sad and full of guilt. Did I do the right thing? I will add that I have not been close to my parents in years. Dad is in hospital near death.

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The Hospital Social Worker should be helping you find Skilled Nursing or Rehab for you, this is not something that you should have to do on your own. And it is much more likely that a spot will be found if the Hospital is calling rather than "Brenda" looking for a place for mom.
If the doctor said that it is best she remain in the hospital then that is where she should be. It is not often that a doctor will tell someone they have to stay. The medical professionals now have a goal to discharge not to keep someone. Insurance companies do not like paying the hospital so they have guidelines that have to be followed. If there is not a medical reason to keep your mom the will not keep her.
You are doing the right thing. Get on the Hospital Social Worker to locate a place where your mom will be safe and cared for.
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Brenda132 Mar 2021
Hi thanks for your response, she has high blood pressure...very high and with the dementia its alot to handle.I Had so much community support and the dr still fought me on bringing her home. he said it was to much for me and he has worked for years with dementia patients and its going to get worse.I am hoping she will go into long term care and not end up staying in the hospital.
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A Hospital will not allow people to stay long term when their needs are not acute. She will be moved into care either rehab, SNF or Nursing Home. Work with the Social Worker.
If you are not able to do dedicated 24/7 care this is how it has to be. You are not feeling guilt, but the other G word, which is grief. Guilt is for felons who do evil deeds for the joy of doing them. Grief is for those who are human and have a life and limitations. There is pain; you will grief as will she. Isn't this loss and pain worth grieving?
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You absolutely did the right thing! The wrong thing would have been letting her have a stroke from the high BP. Had you let that happen, you'd be in way more guilt. Keeping her with you would hurt (if not kill her), not help. The doctor is right; this is the best option for Mom until she is placed. Yes she's confused, but unfortunately that will be the norm for anywhere she is, whether it's your home or not.

You have every right in the world to be sad. It's hard on anyone to see their parents like this. You weren't too close to your parents and now there is no chance of changing it, or their admitting whatever mistakes they made while raising you. It's hard to accept there won't be a way to make things right before they pass away.

It can't happen with them, but it can happen with YOU. You're still here and can let that pain go, and bury it, so to speak, with your parents. If you have your own family now, you can break the cycle and not pass down the burdensome feelings.
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You did THE ONLY THING, not JUST THE RIGHT THING, AND YOU DID THE RIGHT THING TOO.

Of all the emotions that you might benefit from feeling in this difficult time, guilt is BY FAR the most useless.

They are both tragically ill. You have done everything you could do. You chose the most generous gesture of leaving your own routine on your mother’s behalf.

If a DOCTOR told you that the choices you have made, AGAIN putting her needs before your own, are too much FOR YOU, he means JUST THAT, and he would certainly not say that if it were at any risk of harm to his own patient.

Please release the useless guilt and be at peace in the realization that whether or not you have been close to your parents, this, your final act of caring, has given them what they need to transition at peace themselves.
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