How do I mitigate problem with wandering male resident entering Mom's apartment in memory care facility?

Stay on top of them. I was worried about that issue when I moved my mom to MC, too, but she hasn't had any issues.


Either the staff monitors this man better, or he needs to go elsewhere. Is he going into other people's rooms? Is his room near Mom's? Perhaps one of them needs to be moved to another room (ideally him, but if he keeps thinking her room is his, it might be better to move her.)

If he's following her, then that's harassment, and the facility has a responsibility to prevent that or face repercussions. Talk to the executive director and tell them you want major changes made to protect your mom -- now.

I’m a little confused as to why you have been given the responsibility for something that is a residence care management issue.

We all know - COVID, but when it comes down to something that has caused this kind of annoyance, I’d be wondering what else could be happening. Do you know if the offender’s family has been asked to control HIS meandering?

I caught this at least once before the lockdowns, and when I reported it, our staff had FITS, and jumped into action.

My LO is a tiny feisty little bit of the devil, and it didn’t unnerve her a BIT when her space was invaded, but STILL, where’s the staff?

This is a common problem with no easy solution, the barriers like this
https://www.alzstore.com/stop-sign-banner-p/0134.htm
did work at my mother's nursing home. (they paid for this, not me)

The next level might be disguising the door with door decals/murals like this
https://www.alzstore.com/door-murals-peel-and-stick-p/0364.htm

Unfortunately this kind of thing can be more than a nuisance, I observed the gent who wandered into my mom's room leave an object on the floor that might have caused a fall. Also many times arguments between residents can lead to physical altercations, even a minor push can have major consequences for frail elders.

If he is in MC he has a Dementia. So telling him is going to be no good. He may think Mom is his wife. I don't see where a STOP sign would help, the man has Dementia.

My feeling, your Mom is paying big bucks for MC. She is not a patient she is a resident and as such needs to know she is safe. There is no reason, since you and she have complained, that when he starts to follow Mom a staff member can't redirect him. My Moms AL had locks on the room doors. If the resident looked it from the inside, staff had a key to get in. No problem in someone walking in. I guess MCs don't feel the need for locks.

If you get nowhere, then call the Ombudsman. I look at it as Moms rights are being overlooked.

GET HER OUT OF THERE if possible. Prayers 🙏🏼♥️

Question for you, the report that was filed, do you have a copy of it and do you know just where the report went?

if you do not have a copy, pls pls get one ASAP.

the report was it done as an internal document or was it actually filed with state MC regulatory agency and with the police &/or with APS?
if it wasn’t filed with law enforcement or APS, the MC isn’t doing anything, it’s going into their own echo chamber.
So the issue then becomes, do you want mom to stay there or move her? If it’s stay there, then he has to go and I’d file on my own a report with law enforcement and APS on your mother’s behalf. You include all communications with the MC in your complaint. The fact that he has entered her room and gets into her bed, I bet has charges that can be filed against him. Her room is her own personal private space that he’s violating. She has an expectation of privacy in her room. I’d be very concerned that his behavior is escalating and that he is going to make sexual advances on her. If your mom was touched by him would she tell you, it’s embarrassing & uncomfortable to speak about..... my goodness he’s in her bed, that’s what’s next, isn’t it? She’s a vulnerable adult. APS deals with vulnerable adults stuff.
You need to do something because you don’t want it where he tells others that your mom invited him into her room. If you think he knows what he’s doing, that will be his excuse.

Have you tried doing a Google search on this man? If your not up for this, ask one of your kids or grand kids to do deep dive on him. Believe me they can do a pretty accurate doxxing in a few keystrokes.

Im kinda surprised that this place hasn’t been more proactive for the safety and security of your mom and other residents. Like moving him into a room within direct eyesight of the nurses station. Is there something abt this guy that makes him untouchable.... like a relative of owner or staff? Politically connected?
Have you made friend with other families that might could shed light if there’s been other issues with this guy? There’s going to be a couple of spouses or kids that go super frequently and will know the all sorts of stuff on residents & staff, that they will be glad to share.

This is not your problem to solve it is theirs - suggesting you put up a paper sign or barricade your mother in her room is facetious and negligent on their part.
If they are not going to do anything I can only suggest you put a granny cam in her room to record these occasions and then take the results to local authority covering the licensing of the facility. This is totally unacceptable and if this man is doing this in her room how many others is he doing it in. It sounds like he needs to be restricted as to where he can go not other residents. I'm sorry your Mum is being upset by this resident's behaviour, he may well not be able to understand or help it, but it is up to the facility to manage his care properly.

I agree that it is their problem to solve not yours! They are taking the lazy way out. A woman would wander into my dad's room and he found her lying in his bed and got very upset. We called and talked to the care coordinator and the administrator and told them in no uncertain terms to deal with this woman and they did. Nice guy stuff doesn’t always work.

Does your mother wear a call button so that she can immediately summon help when she needs it?

Hold the facility accountable? Trying calling the state agency that oversees them, but get everything ready to move to a new facility.

Being new to all the memory care facilities and rules, since I placed my 68 year old husband in our local facility due to his moderate stage alzheimers, I've since heard many stories from friends and families of what has happened, and continues to happen inside the units. Keep in mind, everyone placed in these special needs units are there for a reason, they ALL have dementia/alzheimers. And they all are free to roam inside their unit building only, even in each others' rooms. My husband was always complaining about women coming in and going through his things, and taking things out of his room. Due to Covid, I had never seen his room, but only from viewing from his outside window. There were times that I would see various residents come in his room and leave. Unfortunately, my husband pushed a woman one day and caused injury. It was all caught on camera since it happened in the hallway near his room. The facility nurse called me and told me they had to protect the other women there, and had no choice to move them to another one of their parent facilities. It was stressful at first, but he is doing much better and the other new place since there are men in his unit that he can chat with. The older facility was all women, and it got to him with them arguing all the time. That's what Alzheimers does.....when it strikes at the time, the resident acts upon what he wants to do. I'm glad that the facility took action, yet I wished they could have monitored the special needs units more when I mentioned to them that the women were upsetting him. These places are short-staffed, but I agree that there should be extra security to protect everyone, residents and staff members. Others who experienced the same issues with their loved ones testified that their family resident in the facility would sometimes go to another's room and lay in bed with them. Maybe thinking they were still with their loved one. 75% of males with alzheimers get angry with this horrible disease. That's the main reason I placed my husband in the facility, after caring for him over 6 years.
Good luck with your situation. Put the responsibility on the facility, not yourself. Maybe get the state involved as well. I'm sure they don't want to pay attorney fees. We're paying high dollar, so these places need to meet our requirements!

install a nanny cam.
Purchase a air horn. Small size, fits in pockets. Whenever he is in her room, instruct her to use it. She will probably only need to use it once or twice. It really gets people's attention.
Get all reports from facility, personally file with every agency that is available. Alert facility in writing of filings and expectations of safety for your mom (these are common sense expectations but you must have written paper trail) include consequences of facility not insuring her safety(which once again, is their responsibility) if anything happens, you have a paper trail to prove facility did not take you seriously. After the threat of covid is over and you can select another facility, move mom. The current facility is to pay all costs related to the move since they are responsible (and you have your paperwork to prove your case. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the most grease. Call the facility multiple times per day to make sure they are watching moms room and mr. room wander.

Maybe they should move your mother to a different room. He may have been "friends" with the prior occupant. It is also the facility's responsibility to discourage his behavior, not yours - especially since your mother finds it frightening. They need to find ways to curtail his movements from "tailing" her or entering her room. Ask the facility to find a way to keep him away from your mother.

I also suggest you look up the rules for the facility about harassment and sexual assault, since he is definitely harassing her and lying in her bed could be the first step to molestation.

There is a very inexpensive wedge type alarm door stop you can purchase that can be put on the floor of the inside of your moms door. If the door opens in from the outside the alarm will go off. This will alert your mom and the staff and scare off the wandering gentleman. It’s very effective! If that’s not allowed get your mom a personal one she can wear around her neck.
That said, I think the staff is being negligent in deterring this man. Let them know it must be addressed and stopped immediately or you will take legal action. Your mothers safety and well being is being violated. Keep us posted!

My friend’s mother in memory care was the annoying culprit. In her mind, she locked eyes on another female resident and decided this woman was the one who was “Going after her husband.” (Husband died years earlier) Mom wouldn’t leave this woman alone and harassed her horribly every time she saw her. It eventually escalated in Mom trying to beat her up...as much as a 90 yr. old can do that. My friend had to remove her from that facility for the safety of others.

This scares me..My mom in memory care also complained and we complained..her tormentor even came in during the night..they tried the usual measures right up until he opened her door...she attempted to get him out and he PUNCHED her in the face!! Yes..punched her!! We demanded a lock and key on a new floor unit!! As a former geriatric clinical staff worker I know if you insist they will change her floor or provide a lock on her door...these guys can be violent.. or move her to another facility asap!

I am going to throw something out there, and want to clarify that what I am about to say is NOT what I think is happening. I have no way of knowing with the info given. I am also not suggesting that anyone ignore a complaint like this in a dementia care patient. In a real and disturbing situation, it is critical to keep going up the food chain to get corrective action in place.

On the flip side - and since it hasn’t been brought up yet - is the reality that dementia sometimes causes paranoia and confabulation. Many of us have had our elders share disturbing stories that felt very real to them, but were happening in their head. Throw in rumination and these situations can go on for some time.

I don’t know how compromised your mother is. I also don’t know how much of this you have been able to verify. It is incredibly difficult to verify this type of thing when people can’t get in to facilities spontaneously anymore to check on their parents.

Maybe the facility is negligent. You have much good advice on how to move forward if that is the case.

I tread lightly here, but wanted to throw out another possibility.

I know from our experience how many times my ILs were absolutely certain (and could describe in detail) people who were following them, looking in their windows, watching them go to the bathroom, etc. Each time their minds were playing tricks on them. Sometimes, these “imaginings” stemmed from something they saw on TV or an event that started small (like a caregiver walked into their room) and mushroomed into people watching them as they slept (no one was). They were in our home at the time and we were with them almost constantly and could easily verify what was reality and when the mind was being “tricksy”. Sometimes, we could discern what sparked the delusion. Sometimes, not.

Again, this may be a very real thing. Some of how you handle it depends on your past experience with the facility, etc. Sketchy stuff historically? I would be more inclined to think that the shenanigans are real. But, if the facility has been competent and responsive, I might work to get a little more information/verification from something outside of your mother’s reports. Sometimes facilities get stuck because kids don’t think their parents could possibly be making things up... (the “I know my mom would never...” mirrors the “I know my kid would never...”). But, dementia is like the light bulb with a not-quite-broken filament. The bulb can flicker off and on. Because it does, it can be challenging to discern what is really happening in their heads. With dementia, obviously it isn’t a lie. To them, it is very real. And the facility should absolutely be concerned that she is experiencing such fear and taking steps to mitigate it.

Just food for thought. You are already obviously an excellent advocate for your mom. If you have already ruled this out as a possibility, feel free to ignore:)

I also want to throw out there that no lock on a door is crazy. My ILs eventually had to be placed in a serious memory care facility (locked down, very compromised)... they STILL locked resident’s rooms when the residents slept and/or were not in their rooms (they had Dutch doors on every room as well, so no one felt isolated... it was a great help in preventing unwanted wandering/entering).

The locks could be opened by staff keys or a quarter, which sounds weird. But, it was a great relief to know we could check on my ILs easily and spontaneously, but it hampered the wanderers and sticky-fingered, while giving a small measure of privacy in a place where privacy is further down the list of priorities.

Regardless of what is happening, I would be concerned that there is no way built in to their facility to keep unwanted visitors out of her room. This is an easy and obvious fix.

My mother was recently in the memory care unit of her nursing home. There was one man who walked all day long up and down the hallways trying doors and if one was open would let himself in. I think it was because he couldn’t find his room, all the hallways and doors looked identical. It was a locked unit so he could not escape but he was always trying to get out the main exit too. The staff just let him wander all day. Several times when I was there he came into my mothers room and went into the bathroom and shut the door. I had to call staff to get him out. He was belligerent and argumentative and if you get too close to him physically aggressive. There were locks on the individual doors so I kept my mothers room locked as did many of the local residents. But a lot of them were unlocked and he would just go right in. In my opinion he should have been monitored more closely by the nursing staff but they just did not do that. This was a very high end, expensive, and very nice nursing facility. Like all, understaffed. I was only allowed to be inside because my mother was in the active dying stage and being treated in hospice. Who knows what went on during all those months and months when we were unable to visit.

You have so many great answers. Ask the facility for who carries their liability insurance in the event something happens. Again - you have been given so many options that are good. Your Mom needs a safe environment - so provide it for her. The gentleman coming into her room cannot be stopped by a paper stop sign. Look at your paperwork and I am certain you will find a phrase about providing "safe environment" or something similar. I am glad to hear you are actively looking for solution. Keep loving her and smile because on this forum you have support and "brains."

stern "lashing" works best imo, he needs to be told what and why its unacceptable- much like a parent does with a toddler and needs to be reminded often how wrong invasion is. Also maybe invaders family can get him to understand this is wrong behavior. I worked in nursing home 13 yrs and basically most staff laughs it off or thinks its cute, tc hope its resolved soon!

Completely unacceptable and I feel sorry for the anxiety and stress this has caused your poor mother.
Can she keep her room door locked?

This man has to be dealt with before something abusive occurs.

Keep reporting and complaining.
I would plan to move mom as soon as possible.

How do other facilities handle this kind of behavior?

I have concerns about wandering residents where my dad lives in MC. The apartment doors do not have locks. He has dementia NOT of the Alzheimer's type & before the Covid restrictions, I saw other residents wandering, some for almost all day. Recently dad told me that someone had come in his apartment & got in his bed. He also complains that some of his personal items have gone missing. His memory is poor, but sometimes he's clear as can be. So until I can get into the apartment, I don't know if what he's saying is true or not. I had planned to install a nanny cam, then Covid happened. I plan to email the nursing director about my concerns because my gut is telling me this intrusion is happening.
How would one go about installing the nanny cam when you can't get inside the apartment? Have the maintenance guy do it?? Ha, ha...

Writing before reading other responses, but dammit, NO. THIS is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Let me guess that the switch to memory care resulted in the facility getting more $$$? YOU are paying for this care and it is THEIR job to protect your mother from this stress and invasion of her privacy. You should be furious. Under the circumstances I would be wanted a lock on the door so he cannot gain any access. Too bad for the staff to have to take responsibility for having a key in case of emergency.
I was perturbed when I spent a couple (all I could tolerate) weeks in a rehab myself. My "roommate" on the other side of a wall spoke a foreign language and a gentleman resident apparently thought she was or reminded him of his wife...so he at least once a day would wander into our "suite" and head for her side of it, which made her scream GET OUT. I was on alert and would push the call button which usually brought staff who would escort him out. They were quite casual about it and knew about him. IN fact others in the hall would try to redirect him if they saw him heading her way. I asked at one point when they said where his own room was, if they couldn't stop him as he made his way around the corner and they responded that a post blocked their view so they couldn't see him go by. BS. Your mother's safety and comfort comes first. She's lucky to have you as an advocate. Definitely find your local ombudsman and call and if they tell you any other actions you can take do so. I don't know if legally you have a right to install a lock, but that would be my first effort for mom's peace of mind. Just make sure to have duplicate keys and note who has one...mom, yourself the staff....

I advise you to look at another assisted living facility. Wright now they are not able to fill up their rooms because of the way they had handled covid 19 during the onset of the pandemic where over 16,000 seniors were infected with covid and died this happened when Cuomo sent positive patients from NYS hospital into assisted living facility's were my wife and over 16,000 died and Cuomo covered it up. He presently under investigation for his cover-up by the NYS attorney. if I new what I know now I would taken my love one home which is what most people are doing at this time. stay out of seniors assisted living until they become safer.

I would be furious, too. There's no excuse for this, and this facility's administrators have not appropriately responded to your mother, nor you. A stop sign? Please. He was lying in her bed? Unacceptable! Here's what I would do in this situation: First, if this facility is corporately owned, look up who are the corporate officers, including the president and CEO. Send them an account of all eight incidents, as well as a summary of the on-site administrative responses (and lack, thereof). Crucially, detail everything they've done, and not done, after you first reported this problem. Second, and I know this is a pain, and you shouldn't have to do it, but, research other facilities close to your home. Speak to the tippy-top facility manager, not their sales staff. Explain what you've been through. Leverage the fact that inpatient memory care is a highly competative business. Lastly, and I know this is a memory care facility, but try and talk to other caregivers of other women residents. Something is telling me this is not the first time this guy has been predatory. And that's what he is -- a predator. Failing all of that, I would become a squatter in their lobby -- if this happens just one more time, call the police and a local television station with investigative reporters, and wait for them all to arrive. Worst of all, because I freaking hate lawyers, but you should call your state's legal aid society and ask for a referral to pro bono attorneys who specialize in elder care.

This happened when my mother was in a very expensive, high-end private memory care facility in California a few years ago and has happened to a family friend's mother in Connecticut in the memory care unit of a chain eldercare facility - it's VERY common. It usually doesn't mean the guy is a predator or has an idea of what he's doing. That kind of thinking is probably not helpful. But it does make one try to problem solve some kind of locks on the doors that wouldn't make it hard for the resident inside to get out when they want to and that they could open. When my mom was in the MC in California, they said that most the residents couldn't remember to carry keys or be expected to have the dexterity to open a locked door. It makes sense. Also, they would have to lock it from inside unless it locks automatically. The best answer I've seen here is the Dutch door idea - very interesting! The truth is these places are not allowed to restrain any residents, obviously, so many wander, are confused, and try to enter rooms that aren't their own. Security cameras or other means of monitoring would be the best answer. So I wouldn't be too angry, but I also would not take it as only YOUR problem, it's a facility-wide problem, and they should provide better oversight and make changes to allow for better security for every resident.

In the facility I work in (Canada) we have bright yellow banners we place across the door of the room the dementia patient is not supposed to enter. When they see the yellow they stop. This works most of the time, but not with everyone. Our door frames are metal and the yellow banners have magnets to hold them up. Best of luck to you.

Move her out of there and into a Memory Care Assisted Living that HAS locks on each and every door. Period. My mother lives in one and carries her key on her wrist. If she forgets it, the CG will let her in. The door automatically locks when it closes. If the MC tells you it's against the law, they're lying.

That said, my mother loves to call attention to herself, then gets annoyed when a certain male resident pays attention TO her. He knocks on her locked door which sends her over the moon with agitation and anxiety. The ED and I decided we'd move a large chair from the common room nearby in front of mom's door so the annoying gentleman couldn't reach it....hes wheelchair bound. It took about 3 weeks or less for him to forget all about his interest in my mother and now, the chair is no longer necessary.

The ED either works with you or you move mother OUT. Signs saying keep out don't usually work because people with dementia don't pay attention to Signs! What may work is buying a round black rug that looks like a manhole cover and placing it at mom's front door. Many people with dementia will perceive that rug as a real hole and be afraid they'll fall into it if they proceed to walk over it. Look on Amazon....its cheaper than moving her out.

Good luck!

Imho, this is very unacceptable. I do not know if you should go through the effort to find a new facility. Ergo, you may have to if this frightening issue is not resolved quickly. Prayers sent.